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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell his girlfriend I slept with him?

705 replies

Minnievintage · 01/06/2017 09:29

I'm on a well known dating site, been single for 3 years. I started talking to this guy who lives in my area but I don't know.

We got on really really well, and after 3 weeks of chatting on the dating site he suggested we meet. I was really into him so I agreed. So 2 weekends ago we met up at a pub that he suggested about 15 miles away from where we both lived - at the time it didn't cross my mind to think it was odd.

We got on really really well and I fancied the pants off him. It's been a long time since I found someone I connected with and fancied like that so I was so excited. We kissed at the end of the night very passionately. We then spent all of that week texting each other as he gave me his phone number - great I thought, this could end my dry spell!!!!

Weekend just gone, I suggested we meet again. He was abit hesitant said he had a few things on. Things had started to get progressively more sexual in the conversations between us so when I made a joke about something quite suggestive he quickly changed his tune and said we could meet at the weekend.

To cut a long story short, he came to my house and I cooked a meal for us and after too many wines we ended up sleeping together. He got out of bed afterwards and started to get dressed saying he had to go but wasn't off with me at all. I then asked what he was doing on the Sunday and he replied "I'm seeing my girlfriend!!!" To say I was flabbergasted is an understatement!!

I don't have Facebook but my friend did some digging and she's found out who is girlfriend is and they are engaged due to be married at Christmas. I don't know his girlfriend personally but I know of her. AIBU to tell her what happened? I know of it was me getting married I would want to know!

OP posts:
alltalknobaby · 01/06/2017 13:04

OP stop justifying yourself to these moronic people. You have done nothing wrong. He is a dick. Those are the facts. You clearly think she deserves to know (I agree but that's irrelevant - it's a judgement call).

So all you have to decide now is how to deliver the news to her in the most sensitive way possible. That would be discreetly by email in my opinion, giving her all of the info including links to his profile and screenshots of your communications, so that she is in no doubt and he has no opportunity to deny it. Good luck.

NeedATrim · 01/06/2017 13:04

You're not wrong to tell the poor woman and then just leave it at that.
He brought this onto himself, and onto his doorstep. Give all the proof with your email, step back and thats all you can do.

MsWanaBanana · 01/06/2017 13:05

If I was marrying someone and they were cheating on me, I would definitely want to find out before the wedding that's for sure. Does he have anything identifying him specifically, like tattoos or marks or anything. Especially if there are in -ahem - intimate places that you wouldn't normally see. She can't really deny it then can she?

SumThucker · 01/06/2017 13:05

the thought of people knowing how he treated me is just very embarrassing for me

This coupled with the fact you've considered going to her work makes me think it's for your own vengeance rather than wanting her to know for her benefit.

ComputerUserNotTrained · 01/06/2017 13:06

OP, of course I'd want to know. But sending screenshots from an OLD profile wouldn't act as proof - if dp was a lying bastard, he'd be able to wheedle his way out of it quite easily. This man is a lying bastard, and the chances are he'll do exactly that whilst painting you as being unhinged.

PenguinBollard · 01/06/2017 13:07

Jaysus, some of the stuff I've read people admitting to on Mumsnet and the OP is getting jumped on for having sex on the second date?!

Original poster
Minnievintage · 01/06/2017 13:07

SumThucker so if it was for my own agenda why would I risk everyone finding out by telling her? Surely that would be more embarrassing for me than keeping my mouth shut and no one ever knowing it had happened?

OP posts:
Cuppaoftea · 01/06/2017 13:08

I'm not judging you for sleeping with him on a second date Op, I'm suggesting for your own safety as well as emotional wellbeing you find out a lot more about a man you only know online before you invite him in to your own home. Particularly if you have children.

pipnchops · 01/06/2017 13:08

Could your friend just message his girlfriend a link of him on this dating site saying my friend just wanted you to be aware that your fiance is actively meeting people on this site. Let her confront him and hopefully his nasty can of worms will be spilt everywhere. She needs to know before she marries this horrible man.

Original poster
Minnievintage · 01/06/2017 13:09

penguin it seems that certain MN have t moved on from the notion that women are equal to men and are quite entitled to have sex whenever they like without being labelled "loose" or "careless" 😴

OP posts:
DomJolyNurse · 01/06/2017 13:09

Minnievintage I am appalled that people are now questioning your judgement.

Clearly she mentioned workplace as she wants to contact her but has limited means. It was suggested to her.

I think going to her workplace is a bad idea.
I think the right thing to do is let the GF know. I think it is extremely unlikely he will contact you again. I think the GF may want more info or be in denial and send a rude message back.

You don't have to do this though. Or you could think about it and do it at a later date. I think you should send the link and that may be enough. I dont think I would send screenshots etc unless asked for, this may be unnecessary hurt or she may just not want to know, this is her choice.

mothertruck3r · 01/06/2017 13:10

Explain what happened and send her a link to his profile on the dating site. Why would he have a profile if he is engaged?

LottieandMia · 01/06/2017 13:13

'OP opens herself up to being accused of being one by the bloke, his fiancée and their associates. '

No she doesn't, she really doesn't.

FatOldBag · 01/06/2017 13:13

Email with proof - dates, times, link to his profile. Then she can process it in her own time.

Original poster
Minnievintage · 01/06/2017 13:14

cuppaoftea I don't have children. I knew a fair deal about him - like I said quite a few times previous. We chatted constantly for 3 weeks - that's a lot of information he told me about his workplace, family, friends, life story - how was I to know it wasn't bullshit? We had a lot in common, had similar interests and views. Like I said, I was really into him. I wonder if you would say the same if I had met him in a bar and took him home that night? Would you say don't meet men in bars in future as you know nothing about them? I thought I know a fair deal about him, obviously I took it as standard that he was single as he never mentioned a GF and he was on a dating site where his profile is listed as single! I find it quite odd how you defend the actions of this man by suggesting I should have been more careful prior to sleeping with him 😕

OP posts:
LottieandMia · 01/06/2017 13:14

What happened is all his own fault. He lied and misrepresented himself as single. The girlfriend deserves to have the choice not to waste anymore of her time with him

expatinscotland · 01/06/2017 13:16

I would be too busy going down to the GUM clinic and getting a full STI screening to bother telling his girlfriend, nope I wouldn't tell her, I'd move on.

Westray · 01/06/2017 13:18

This coupled with the fact you've considered going to her work makes me think it's for your own vengeance rather than wanting her to know for her benefit.

I agree- is this a sisterly favour or revenge?

I would move on.

Whatsername17 · 01/06/2017 13:19

I'd email screen shots of the messages and his dating profile. Tell her that you met through a dating site, believed he was single until you had sex and he told you he had a girlfriend. Then breathe a sigh of relief that you didn't get more invested and move on.

x2boys · 01/06/2017 13:19

ime some men say all kinds of crap to get you into bed this happened to several times when single having said that i slept with my husband on the first night and married him 6 months later , but i would just leave it if i were you op and certainly dont go to her place of work.

LottieandMia · 01/06/2017 13:20

Looking after yourself is sensible but it's selfish to let someone walk into a situation which they could have avoided had they known or had access to the truth.

WellThatSucks · 01/06/2017 13:21

Actually I don't get why the OP's motives matter here, regardless of whether it's for vengeance or altruism - the fact remains that the gf has a right to know. And, while I don't believe this is the case, if the OP gets some kind of vicarious satisfaction from causing trouble for this guy so what? Telling the gf is still the right thing.
Also, if this man manages to persuade the gf the OP is a stalky, vindictive, lying loon, again, so what? The OP doesn't know these people, isn't on their social media so as long as she blocks his phone number and her email she's not going to know what they're saying about her and she's still tried to do the right thing.

Original poster
Minnievintage · 01/06/2017 13:22

westray you are clearly ignoring my replies to you. If you have nothing further to add to the thread than I'm doing it out of spite then I suggest you move onto the next thread

OP posts:
Westray · 01/06/2017 13:27

OP I think you are mixing me up with another poster.

Cuppaoftea · 01/06/2017 13:27

Nowhere have I defended him, he treated you badly. That wouldn't excuse you going in to his girlfriend's work to attempt to humiliate her though.

People can post whatever fake info they like on an online profile. There were signs as you've since recognised yourself with hindsight. Be more careful or not next time, of course it's up to you.

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