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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To hate the fact that wedding invites come with a request for money?

340 replies

Generallyok · 01/06/2017 09:25

I love going to weddings and would never dream of not giving a gift,but hate that we always seem to get sent a cute little poem that tells you that they have all their pots and pans etc etc but love money to fly somewhere in the sun. I do get that too and would ask if they have a list or would prefer money but it just seems a bit much to send out this message. We have just received one just for an evening invite. I'm not married but can't imagine sending an invite and then telling everyone we would like their dosh. AIBU?

OP posts:

expatinscotland · 01/06/2017 14:32

PLEASE tell me you are not indulging this type of behaviour, Evans.

EvansOvalPies · 01/06/2017 14:36

Shall I just buy a toaster? (I know I'd like to)

NoncommittalToSparkleMotion · 01/06/2017 14:37

Yy expat, the cultures that expect money at a wedding don't generally put in a written request.

My family is French-Italian, so we didn't bother putting anything in the invitation, nor did we have a gift list. But DH's family, not being either, called and asked what we wanted.

We did get a few gifts from his side, including a homemade quilt in our wedding colours, which we were very grateful for. It wasn't a cultural clash to receive them.

And I couldn't agree more about 2nd/3rd marriages not needing gifts. My Dad's 3rd wedding had a wishing well money box at the reception. It felt pretty light carrying it out to the car...

Avocado0nToast · 01/06/2017 14:44

The worst is when people say 'no boxed gifts' - it's a not subtle way of asking for cash and forbidding anyone to choose you something if that's what they would prefer!

carefreeeee · 01/06/2017 14:45

I think it's fine to specify what present you would like as long as they put in a caveat that they don't mind if you don't give them anything. I'd never dream of turning up empty handed anyway and it's much easier if they tell you what they want.

I usually base the amount on a combination of how much I know the person, whether I know one or both of the couple, how rich they are and how rich I am. The cost of the wedding is not relevant as that is their choice how to spend their money.

Complaining about the cost of attending the wedding is a bit churlish though (if you are on the breadline it's different obvs, but for those comlaining that they will have to spend £50 on outfits for the kids etc). If you weren't going to the wedding you would be doing something else that weekend that would also cost money in petrol or transport. You can wear a dress you already have and camp or drive home after to keep costs down. Put your kids in a vaguely smart summer dress or a polo shirt and trousers. No one will care what they wear anyway!

The exception would be an overseas wedding where it really is difficult and expensive to get to - then I might just give a token gift and card (unless the people getting married are from there - then I would not apply this rule!).

expatinscotland · 01/06/2017 14:46

'The worst is when people say 'no boxed gifts' - it's a not subtle way of asking for cash and forbidding anyone to choose you something if that's what they would prefer!'

Buy them a fucking toaster, discard the box packaging and stick it in a gift bag. 'No boxed gifts' is cunty.

EvansOvalPies · 01/06/2017 14:47

Avodaco - you could always pop it in a paper bag (Look! - No box)

Seriously though, I agree with yo - it is a passive-aggressive way of saying "Just gimme your money"

expatinscotland · 01/06/2017 14:49

'If you weren't going to the wedding you would be doing something else that weekend that would also cost money in petrol or transport. You can wear a dress you already have and camp or drive home after to keep costs down.'

It doesn't cost money to potter around at home in your garden . Not all people have cars to drive to weddings and not all people have bloody camping gear .

As for cost of attending weddings, I think declining is the best way to get round having to fork out to attend someone's wedding. You see a lot of, 'Well, we can't not go!' Yes, actually you can!

mollyminniemo · 01/06/2017 14:51

Really interesting reading this thread. A friend got married and asked for donations towards their house renovations, I know feel really tight for only giving £45 instead of rounding it up to £50!! Does that sounds very mean? Her wedding was away from where we- and she lives so all guest had to book into and pay for a hotel- so we had to pay over £100 for that too.

Avocado0nToast · 01/06/2017 14:52

Evans and expat!! Just made me spit out my tea. Glad it annoys others as well...

MargaretCavendish · 01/06/2017 14:53

I don't know if it's generational (I'm early 30s), but I just can't fathom why some people think asking for money is rude but a gift list is fine. I can see why you'd object to both, but not why 'please give me one of these items' is somehow different to 'please give me some cash'.

expatinscotland · 01/06/2017 14:54

No, that doesn't sound mean, molly, and your friend has a cheek touting for people to pay for a holiday for her after knowing they forked out just to be at her wedding.

mollyminniemo · 01/06/2017 14:55

thanks expat!

user1485342611 · 01/06/2017 14:56

That's a bit simplistic carefreeeee Camping isn't everyone's cup of tea and there's a big difference between the cost of petrol to drive miles to and from a wedding, and the cost of petrol to drive around locally to the shops, swimming pool etc.

QueenOfRubovia · 01/06/2017 14:57

I actually think it's aimed more at the older guests (60+ maybe) where in their generation you bought household wedding presents as the couple were just moving in together straight from home etc

What, older guests who are still buried deep in the 70s?
How very insulting! Older guests (60+ maybe) as you tactfully put it, are perfectly up to speed with the fact that a sodastream or a casserole dish is not going to be the gift of choice for a couple who've been living together for years, or even who haven't! People who are 60+ have children who are living with partners. They are perfectly au fait with the ebb and flow of current memes. At 60 people have been to weddings of their nephews, nieces, sons, daughters, stepchildren etc etc etc. More weddings, in fact, than you could cock a snook at.

I think younger generations assume they'll take money in a card, which many people my mums age think is a bit crass
I think you are completely wrong. I don't think anybody under or over 60 thinks giving money or putting it in a card is in the slightest bit crass.

What's crass, is asking for money in a sickly poem in the fucking invitation. Crass and classless.

Wreckingball25 · 01/06/2017 14:57

We're getting married this summer and I included a link to the wedding website in the invitation, has lots of info and a gift list section that says that weddings are expensive to attend and we genuinely just want to spend the day with you (true!), but there is a link to a John Lewis page and my favourite charity if you really would like to buy something or donate! It's tricky to get the balance right and I did struggle with the wording a bit.

glitterglitters · 01/06/2017 15:01

I actually prefer giving money. Unless I know the couple really well I'm always worried I'll buy them something they'll hate. My niece's wedding I'm giving money and getting them a present.

The poems irritate me though

Probably years in sales have hardened me to "just bloody ask for the money"

EvansOvalPies · 01/06/2017 15:03

QueenofRubovia

What's crass, is asking for money in a sickly poem in the fucking invitation. Crass and classless

^ ^

I'm approaching 60, I have adult children, I know exactly the kind of things they like and if I don't, I will ask them. I do not like demands of money (or gifts) accompanying the invitation with PA menaces (or being told what to wear at the wedding).

QueenOfRubovia · 01/06/2017 15:04

I'm so tempted to go down to the printers and have some acceptance cards printed, ending in the words

And you'll get what you're bloody given

EvansOvalPies · 01/06/2017 15:06

That is bloody brilliant Queen

ohgoshIdontknow · 01/06/2017 15:10

YANBU. I hate this and find it really greedy.

Moose23 · 01/06/2017 15:11

Haha I posted about this the other day. Bride in question had excluded me from her friendship group (mainly out of embarrassment because I invited her to my wedding), I got an invite to her post wedding drinks, along with guests and some wedding guest rejects- and the invite included a link to her honeymoon registry! Cheapest thing was £30 and of course that had been taken.

I chose not to fund her honeymoon!

If she'd invited me to her wedding then I probably would have bought her something from the list though.

sysysysref · 01/06/2017 15:13

I have no issue with gift lists or requests for money. I'm not going to go empty handed under any circumstances, that's what's rude, so I'd prefer to get the couple what they want.

QueenOfRubovia · 01/06/2017 15:16

I'm just nipping down to the copyright office. And Evans, if I find out you got there before me. You're toast.

EvansOvalPies · 01/06/2017 15:18

Queen

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