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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Quick poll - Is this the right level of punishment?

270 replies

ChickenAndSpinachBalti · 31/05/2017 14:34

Help MN jury. DS (nearly 9yo) took something of mine. Without asking. So he stole.

Just a cheapo, silver (ish) chain which was broken and in the kitchen-drawer-of-crap. Think it was there with a vague thought I may try and fix at some time. Been there for a while years probably. If he had asked I would have given it to him without a thought.

He was borrowing (and had asked nicely) some safety pins to make a pirate costume. I pointed him to the drawer of crap. He saw the necklace and thought it would be great "treasure" for their game. Took it. Didn't ask.

DD (11yo) came and told me later.

DS now currently sent to his room for an hour. Our neighbours boys are over so he can hear everyone still playing pirates without him.

He is already under caution (and had electronics taken away) for watching Minecraft videos when told not to. (broke trust/disobeyed direct request)

So I need a sanction for the stealing. It is his birthday at the weekend. We are going out with all of us/celebrating with DH/doing cakes etc on the Sunday as DH will be there and then on his actual birthday - Monday - DD/DS and I were planning on going to Harry Potter World (it is Inset day here).

Is it too harsh a punishment to cancel Harry Potter World? For stealing? He doesn't seem to get it when he has done wrong. Says sorry but just looks a bit sulky when he does so. I really want to get the message across that twice he has broken trust (videos and now stealing) and this is really bad.

Or am I overplaying it?

AM so cross right now I am not sure if IABU or even too soft cos I love him even if he has been a toe-rag

Thank you

OP posts:
Middleagedmumoftwo · 31/05/2017 17:24

Completely over the top reaction. He took what he basically assumed to be a bit of junk to play with! You should be apologising for your reaction and letting him go back to playing with his friends. And put your necklace in your jewellery box if it's that important.

LoupGarou · 31/05/2017 17:25

Well done OP, it takes guts to get a flaming and then make amends. Parenting is rarely easy Flowers. I doubt there's a single parent who hasn't overreacted at one time or another.

Lweji · 31/05/2017 17:28

willitbe

I'd consider that stealing, but would make him replace the money. He'd have to do extra chores to earn it and if necessary take from any cash gifts.

Bluntness100 · 31/05/2017 17:29

He didn't "break your trust" by watching a bloody game, and he shouldn't have to build it up again. What's wrong with you? Why do you take such minor indiscretions and make them out to be the crime of the century?

Yes he did something naughty like most kids do. You're behaviour is honestly bordering on deranged and each post makes it worse.

mogonfoxnight · 31/05/2017 17:30

OP, when you say But just yesterday he accepted he was in a position where he had to build up our trust again I find that quite worrying. He is the child and it is your responsibility to help him build an inner moral compass and work out why if it isn't happening.

TanteJeanne · 31/05/2017 17:31

Too harsh m'lud!!!!!!
I'd contest whether he has actually stolen anything. He took an old chain out of your crap drawer to make a prop in a great imaginative game. That's not stealing. I'd just ask him to be careful and put it back when he'd finished.

Original poster
ChickenAndSpinachBalti · 31/05/2017 17:31

bluntness how do you know he did not "break my trust"? Were you there? Did you here the various conversations and discussions and events leading up to it? No. Did I say it was the crime of the century? No.

You have a snapshot of my life. Teeny. Tiny. To call me deranged is..well..maybe I should say deranged?

OP posts:
kateclarke · 31/05/2017 17:34

Still trying to justify it.

Have you considered parenting classes/family therapy?

Lweji · 31/05/2017 17:35

He is already under caution (and had electronics taken away) for watching Minecraft videos when told not to.

Why under caution if the electronics had already been taken away? It should be one or the other. And related to the "crime".

EC22 · 31/05/2017 17:36

Shocked you'd even consider not taking him on his birthday outing.
It was junk, hardly stealing.

Ricekrispiecakes · 31/05/2017 17:37

Chicken kids love those YouTube videos. My 9 year old can't resist them, ALL 9 year olds are the same. They would find it very hard to resist watching the videos that they like.

You sound completely suffocating.

Fluffypinkpyjamas · 31/05/2017 17:38

Poor child. OP you are being absolutely ridiculous.

He did not steal, he used something, some bit of old tat that has been laying about in a draw for years. USED not stole.

He will never forget your pathetic overreaction about this, as for cancelling HP world, wow, you really are cruel. I worry about children with parents like this. Do you have other issues?

Ricekrispiecakes · 31/05/2017 17:39

You talk about teaching him emotional intelligence but you yourself need to learn some emotional intelligence.

youarenotkiddingme · 31/05/2017 17:39

Of course a 9yo can break trust.

"Ok dc, I'll let you play on iPad in your room as you asked nicely but the same rules apply re not watching X you tuber"

Child watches you tuber thinking they are getting away with it because they aren't in same room as parent.

Child has broken trust.

With all the reports we get about online bullying and grooming I'd have thought it was responsible to take away devices if DC refuse to follow guidance on their use.

FrancisCrawford · 31/05/2017 17:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mrsBeverleygoldberg · 31/05/2017 17:43

He borrowed it for a game. I would have told him to ask next time and carried on. I'd have also told his sister not to tell tales.

Original poster
ChickenAndSpinachBalti · 31/05/2017 17:47

it is your responsibility to help him build an inner moral compass and work out why if it isn't happening. That is why I am on MN. To help me do that and to have got that cold bucket of water thrown over me. If I had known that cancelling HPW was the right thing to do I would not have fucking asked!

Jesus. I am struggling with DS's moral compass. It seems quite different from DD's (let's ignore the snitching on this occassion - it really was v out of character for her and I have dicussed with her why/that not on etc etc). So yes, I am striuggling with him.

Often I try the chat (not long lectures though DH can do that a bit to much so will chat with him about that). But DS doesn't open up the same way DD did. Which means it is more difficult to talk this stuff through. I don't often send him to his room. Cannot remember the last time. Once a month (if that, it has been a while) he has his electronics taken off him for a day. Nagged occasionally (get ready for school type of stuff). He really, really doesn't have a hard time of it. Maybe that makes today worse? I don't know.

I don't know how to get through to DS sometimes and this thread has made reflect that a different, more collaborative approach would work better. I have a couple of books to dig out and look through.

Being continually and excessively beaten up by various posters on here is not particularly helpful. But my bad for going on AIBU I suppose.

OP posts:
mrsBeverleygoldberg · 31/05/2017 17:47

We all have parenting mistakes, read the update. We just have to learn from them.

mrsBeverleygoldberg · 31/05/2017 17:48

Yes AIBU is a real bun fight. I'm sure there's a child behaviour section here.

Ricekrispiecakes · 31/05/2017 17:54

Of course he is different to his sister. My son doesn't really do deep and meaningful conversations. He makes mistakes (the YouTube video one would happen here), but I know deep down his intentions aren't bad.

What are you worried about with your son? What are you expecting from him?

FrancisCrawford · 31/05/2017 17:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DixieChick77 · 31/05/2017 17:56

Yup, just as I predicted upthread, DD was not punished even when she admitted she told tales specifically to get her little brother in trouble.

She was telling the truth!

It might be an idea to let this thread die OP? You may disagree but I don't think you're going to get much productive conversation out if it now. Unfortunately a lot of people come up with strong opinions based on the OP, and are then are more than willing to die on that hill. For weeks...

Ricekrispiecakes · 31/05/2017 17:58

I agree the ds did something completely without bad intention (taking the necklace to play with). At the very worst it was a bit thoughtless, cos 9 year old boys are a bit thoughtless. Personally I thought it was very imaginative of him though.

The dd does something out of sheer spite, and she's older, yet he gets punished.

I don't think it's the boys morale compass that needs looking at here

FrancisCrawford · 31/05/2017 17:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

littleshirleybeans · 31/05/2017 18:00

OP I think you've done well to come back on here and accept that you might need to do things differently.
Maybe have a look on Amazon for parenting books; I usually find the reviews helpful.
I know that I can be hard on my ten year old in terms of lecturing him in the car all the way to school because he went back in to put gel on his hair or something!!!
I can HEAR myself ranting on but I can't seem to stop. And I hate myself for it. I do apologise to him and try and get him to understand why I get so riled i.e. It's a culmination of things. Which are not actually anything to do with him.
Being a parent is very hard.