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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Quick poll - Is this the right level of punishment?

270 replies

ChickenAndSpinachBalti · 31/05/2017 14:34

Help MN jury. DS (nearly 9yo) took something of mine. Without asking. So he stole.

Just a cheapo, silver (ish) chain which was broken and in the kitchen-drawer-of-crap. Think it was there with a vague thought I may try and fix at some time. Been there for a while years probably. If he had asked I would have given it to him without a thought.

He was borrowing (and had asked nicely) some safety pins to make a pirate costume. I pointed him to the drawer of crap. He saw the necklace and thought it would be great "treasure" for their game. Took it. Didn't ask.

DD (11yo) came and told me later.

DS now currently sent to his room for an hour. Our neighbours boys are over so he can hear everyone still playing pirates without him.

He is already under caution (and had electronics taken away) for watching Minecraft videos when told not to. (broke trust/disobeyed direct request)

So I need a sanction for the stealing. It is his birthday at the weekend. We are going out with all of us/celebrating with DH/doing cakes etc on the Sunday as DH will be there and then on his actual birthday - Monday - DD/DS and I were planning on going to Harry Potter World (it is Inset day here).

Is it too harsh a punishment to cancel Harry Potter World? For stealing? He doesn't seem to get it when he has done wrong. Says sorry but just looks a bit sulky when he does so. I really want to get the message across that twice he has broken trust (videos and now stealing) and this is really bad.

Or am I overplaying it?

AM so cross right now I am not sure if IABU or even too soft cos I love him even if he has been a toe-rag

Thank you

OP posts:
NotYoda · 31/05/2017 16:25

I wonder, OP whther you lack quite a lot of confidence and/faith in the fact that things will come right. Children do not learn the first time. Sometimes it's a drip-drip approach. Acts at 3, 6 or 9 don't foretell of a thug at 15.

The danger is that you are breeding a child who switches off, or worse, rebels. Lots of people think that badly-behaved children result from lax parenting, but they can just as easily result from Authoritarian or punitive parenting

littleshirleybeans · 31/05/2017 16:26

I apologise to my dc when I'm wrong, or when ds10 rightly points out that I've done the very same thing myself e.g. swearing.
In fact, I thank DS8 for helping me to be a better person as he helps me stop and think sometimes. What I mean is, i realise that I it's ME who has to set the example to THEM.
An uncomfortable truth at times, if I'm honest.

Lweji · 31/05/2017 16:26

And no, of course she shouldn't apologize to him. Ten minutes in his room and taking something that wasn't his is not extreme. It's very normal

It would be normal if he had been 10 min and not 1 hour in his room.

2littlemoos · 31/05/2017 16:27

I think it was very imaginative of him which I would applaud him for but also mention to check before taking things. Full stop.

LoupGarou · 31/05/2017 16:27

Big overreaction on your part OP (- though I now feel like a saintly parent in comparison so cheers)

Yep me too.

Anyway, yes you were overreacting, massively so. I also think you need to speak to your daughter, as others have said, and nip the telling tales, and being rewarded for it (Shock) in the bud. Your updates get more and more worrying.

Lweji · 31/05/2017 16:27

I also apologise all the time to my DS. But don't allow him to scream at me.

happy2bhomely · 31/05/2017 16:29

MrsTerry This is the approach I take with my 5 children too. (Aged 4-16)

I am trying to build them, not break them. I am firm about manners and the law, but I encourage my children to question, negotiate and compromise. I don't want unthinking compliance. If I'm ever too harsh I apologise.

I want my children to be honest and kind. I do that by setting a good example, not by getting them to reflect on every wrong doing.

OP, your children will make many mistakes over their lifetimes, no matter how strict you are. You need to start thinking about how you are going to deal with that. Honestly, a 9 year old boy making a pirate costume and using your 'jewels' for treasure is something you will look back on one day with a smile. You need to get some perspective or the teenage years will be very tough on you all.

Lweji · 31/05/2017 16:31

A question, OP, if your DD took and wore your shoes in the house to play as part of a costume, would you consider it as "stealing" too?

LoupGarou · 31/05/2017 16:32

I think it was very imaginative of him which I would applaud him for but also mention to check before taking things. Full stop.

This, exactly this.

Yes, punitive parenting can...

Teaches children to be sneakier with what they do - meaning they can put themselves at risk and feel they have nowhere to turn
Make children openly rebel
Give children some serious confidence, esteem and self worth issues
Give them no barometer of appropriate judgement and reactions
Run away from home as soon as you can and have no further contact with your family. This was my chosen option.

Please try and find some balance. An hour in his room and considering taking away a birthday trip is not an appropriate response.

MrsTerryPratchett · 31/05/2017 16:32

I wonder with new parenting if more adults will pass the Milgram test. Have a Google because its interesting. Obedience isnt such a great trait when the fascists turn up.

Ricekrispiecakes · 31/05/2017 16:34

I've got a 9 year old so trust me I know.

Op, you are completely batshit, believe me when I tell you, you are completely and utterly batshit.

He didn't steal anything, using a bit of your mum's jewellery to play treasure isn't stealing ffs.

Watching minecraft videos? Every 9 year old boy known to man likes watching minecraft videos and all the other ones.

Why are you trying to control your child so much? He sounds like a perfectly normal child and if you keep overreacting like this all you'll do is make him sneak around.

youarenotkiddingme · 31/05/2017 16:34

Those saying it was just a necklace in a drawer in a family home what would you do if your DC asked a teacher for something not readily available in class and they directed them to a draw full of nick nacks and crap and the child just took something else as well as 'they fancied it for their game'.

FreeNiki · 31/05/2017 16:36

Please back off from that poor little boy.

He took a crap silver busted chain that you haven't looked at for years. It was in the kitchen drawer at home (HIS HOME) and he played with it and why the hell not.

He didnt take your favourite necklace from your bedroom and hide it with the intention if never giving it back.

He deserves an apology from you.

Babyonboard101 · 31/05/2017 16:36

I can see your point as he asked for one thing and took more without asking, it's the concept of he asked for something then has whatever he wants that's the issue. I'd say stopping the trip when it's for his birthday is a bit harsh but having him in his room and then talking to him about why it's wrong and not allowing him any electronics for even longer would be fair to me until he understands u ask if u want something

Babyonboard101 · 31/05/2017 16:36

I can see your point as he asked for one thing and took more without asking, it's the concept of he asked for something then has whatever he wants that's the issue. I'd say stopping the trip when it's for his birthday is a bit harsh but having him in his room and then talking to him about why it's wrong and not allowing him any electronics for even longer would be fair to me until he understands u ask if u want something

Lweji · 31/05/2017 16:36

Nobody said the boy did the right thing. But it certainly didn't warrant one whole hour in his room, let alone whatever other punishments the OP was thinking of.

A teacher would probably just remind the child to ask before, to apologise and return the item.

StarryCorpulentCunt · 31/05/2017 16:37

Way too harsh imo. He didn't steal it intentionally. You told him to look in the junk drawer. He probably thought it was ok to use whatever was in there. I'm completely intolerant of misbehaviour and if it's worth a punishment then I make it a harsh one but even I would let that one go. Crossed wires is all that was.

NotYoda · 31/05/2017 16:38

youarenotkiddingme

You'd tell then that this is school and the rules may be different

IME children who steal from school have real emotional difficulties

LoupGarou · 31/05/2017 16:38

I apologise to my son too if I'm wrong, or if I've done something which needs an apology. Parenting is a lot about providing a good role model and a baseline for your children to learn from, how can you teach that if you expect him to apologise when he's wrong, but you won't do the same? All he'll get from that is a loss of respect for you.

Everyone makes mistakes, nobody is perfect, but we apologise, make amends and move forwards having learnt from it. I think its a very strong message to send to children that adults make mistakes too, but that we apologise and make amends just the same as a child would be expected to.
Rules of decent behavior don't stop applying when you hit eighteen, showing your children that your hold yourself to the same standards of behaviour as you expect from them creates respect and a positive environment all round.

NotYoda · 31/05/2017 16:38

.... at the age of 9

Completely different situation

Ricekrispiecakes · 31/05/2017 16:40

Well I don't even think school would overreact like op, but this wasn't school, this was the little boys HOME.

FreeNiki · 31/05/2017 16:44

A simple please ask before you take anything else was all that was needed.

youarenotkiddingme · 31/05/2017 16:44

Yet in the school example its caused stealing.

The same situation in the home isn't.

I agree that the cancelling party as well was way too harsh but of respect for others property and learning boundaries has to start in the home.

Westray · 31/05/2017 16:45

Poor kid.

As for punishments- I don't. Not something we do in our family.

paxillin · 31/05/2017 16:46

**

Grin Well done for accepting it, OP.