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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Quick poll - Is this the right level of punishment?

270 replies

ChickenAndSpinachBalti · 31/05/2017 14:34

Help MN jury. DS (nearly 9yo) took something of mine. Without asking. So he stole.

Just a cheapo, silver (ish) chain which was broken and in the kitchen-drawer-of-crap. Think it was there with a vague thought I may try and fix at some time. Been there for a while years probably. If he had asked I would have given it to him without a thought.

He was borrowing (and had asked nicely) some safety pins to make a pirate costume. I pointed him to the drawer of crap. He saw the necklace and thought it would be great "treasure" for their game. Took it. Didn't ask.

DD (11yo) came and told me later.

DS now currently sent to his room for an hour. Our neighbours boys are over so he can hear everyone still playing pirates without him.

He is already under caution (and had electronics taken away) for watching Minecraft videos when told not to. (broke trust/disobeyed direct request)

So I need a sanction for the stealing. It is his birthday at the weekend. We are going out with all of us/celebrating with DH/doing cakes etc on the Sunday as DH will be there and then on his actual birthday - Monday - DD/DS and I were planning on going to Harry Potter World (it is Inset day here).

Is it too harsh a punishment to cancel Harry Potter World? For stealing? He doesn't seem to get it when he has done wrong. Says sorry but just looks a bit sulky when he does so. I really want to get the message across that twice he has broken trust (videos and now stealing) and this is really bad.

Or am I overplaying it?

AM so cross right now I am not sure if IABU or even too soft cos I love him even if he has been a toe-rag

Thank you

OP posts:
BeingATwatItsABingThing · 31/05/2017 15:50

He'll be in his room now...

"Look down! Look down! Don't look her in the eye! Look down! Look down! I'm here until I die..."

MusicToMyEars800 · 31/05/2017 15:50

MrsTerryPratchett It's good to see that I am not the only parent that takes this approach also.

Redglitter · 31/05/2017 15:51

Technically he didn't actually steal it. At the moment he's borrowed it to play with. It would most likely have been returned to you once he'd finished playing

Look on it as it is - a child BORROWING something to use as pirate treasure

QueenofLouisiana · 31/05/2017 15:52

I'm pleased that the whole thing appears to have been resolved.

As an aside. Have you got HP tickets already? It's sold out until about July! You might get some last minute availablity the day before, but it was packed yesterday- one your available late afternoon as last minute buy. (We'd booked on February for DS's birthday).

MissBax · 31/05/2017 15:53

YABVU - this is not STEALING!!!
He took something out of your kitchen draw of crap to play pirates with. What's wrong with simply talking to him about the importance of asking next time?! No punishment necessary!!!

deadringer · 31/05/2017 15:54

Your ds 's behaviour sounds perfectly reasonable and normal. Yours, on the other hand....................

ElphabaStrop · 31/05/2017 15:54

Beingatwat 😂😂😂 "Before you say another word, Javert!"

Justanothersingledoutnumber · 31/05/2017 15:57

Men like you can never change, a man such as you!!!!!

WalkingOnLeg0 · 31/05/2017 15:58

And the sit down/explanation/chats haven't necessarily worked
He is probably immune to them by now if you are punishing him all the time for such trivial things. Using a chain from a kitchen drawer in a game is not something that needs a verbal tongue lashing 'sit down chat'.

I have been worried about how to get him to reflect on his morals/choices Confused I have never met a 9 yo that needs to reflect on their moral choices. They are still learning their morals from their parents role models. So it might be more helpful if the parents spent a bit more time reflecting on what morals they are demonstrating, rather than worrying that sparing the rod will spoil the child.

I saw something different in him when we chatted about it at the end of the hour
You really think he spent an hour thinking about a chain? He probably spent five minutes hating his mom, five minutes figuring out how to pretend he was sorry and 50 minutes playing a game to pass the time.

I am trying to help him with his emotional intelligence
The way to do that is to show him some empathy, sympathy, compassion and love. Not to punish. Because your actually making it worse.

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 31/05/2017 16:05

Mum:
Now bring me prisoner 24601
Your time is up and your parole's begun.
You know what that means.

DS:
Yes, it means I'm free.

M:
No!
It means you get your yellow ticket of leave
You are a thief!

Ds:
I borrowed a broken chain

M:
You robbed my house!

DS:
It was the treasure.
Our treasure pile was close to none
We were desperate

M:
And you'll be desperate again unless you learn the meaning of the law

DS:
I know the meaning of those 60 minutes... a slave of the law!

MissBax · 31/05/2017 16:08

beingatwat 😂😂😂😂

BorisTrumpsHair · 31/05/2017 16:08

Fucking hell - he took a broken item that was effectively rubbish, from a drawer of crap in the kitchen, to make a costume with.

Big overreaction on your part OP (- though I now feel like a saintly parent in comparison so cheers)

We all overreact from time to time. time to admit you overreacted to your son and move on.

As for moralities re items the drawer of crap, what drugs are you on?

Lweji · 31/05/2017 16:09

Now I know what to do when my 12 year old eats most of my half of the After Eights box.

indigox · 31/05/2017 16:10

FFS, glad you're not my parent. He took it to play with, not to sell on the street for sweets.

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 31/05/2017 16:10

I could go on but I fear I may end up writing the entire script for les mis on this thread...

Justanothersingledoutnumber · 31/05/2017 16:10
Grin
WalkingOnLeg0 · 31/05/2017 16:13

.

Quick poll - Is this the right level of punishment?
kateclarke · 31/05/2017 16:15

Your updates have alarmed me even more than the original post.

Your and your husband seem to have no empathy and a deeply damaging attitude to child rearing.

MrsTerryPratchett · 31/05/2017 16:18

Sometimes it takes a bit to beak the conditioning of your own upbringing. Parenting classes?

Lynnm63 · 31/05/2017 16:18

I think the hour to think about it was a bit long but you know your son. Everything else would have been way to harsh. At 9 they can't tell what's valuable or not and I imagine he was just looking for treasure to play with and return he wasn't stealing it to sell to buy drugs!
Hopefully he will just ask if he wants to play with something in future.

DixieChick77 · 31/05/2017 16:19

I can't believe people are criticizing the dd for telling her mother her brother took the necklace. I'd expect teenagers to sneer at 'grassing' but mothers?!

And no, of course she shouldn't apologize to him. Ten minutes in his room and taking something that wasn't his is not extreme. It's very normal. I live next door to someone whose mother constantly second guesses herself and apologizes to her kids. One of them (teens now) woke her - and me - up at 1am the other night screaming at her about something to do with money for school. I heard her apologize...

NotYoda · 31/05/2017 16:22

DixieChick

One way of looking at that is that if the approach to parenting is overly punitive, then children get rewarded for 'telling' on their siblings. Most of us agree that this was not as serious a matter as the OP thinks it is

I would not want a situation developing in my house where wedges were driven between parent and child and child and sibling.

MrsTerryPratchett · 31/05/2017 16:23

It's not the telling @DixieChick77 it's trying to get your DB in trouble. Which is why you check why. If she's genuinely worried, she can say. If she's just telling to get another child into trouble, that doesn't say great things and she needs to learn a little empathy, solidarity and compassion.

MrsTerryPratchett · 31/05/2017 16:24

Sibling relationships shouldn't be based on the Stasi.

twoheaped · 31/05/2017 16:25

Sadpoor kid.

What is your punishment if he really steps out of line?