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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Quick poll - Is this the right level of punishment?

270 replies

ChickenAndSpinachBalti · 31/05/2017 14:34

Help MN jury. DS (nearly 9yo) took something of mine. Without asking. So he stole.

Just a cheapo, silver (ish) chain which was broken and in the kitchen-drawer-of-crap. Think it was there with a vague thought I may try and fix at some time. Been there for a while years probably. If he had asked I would have given it to him without a thought.

He was borrowing (and had asked nicely) some safety pins to make a pirate costume. I pointed him to the drawer of crap. He saw the necklace and thought it would be great "treasure" for their game. Took it. Didn't ask.

DD (11yo) came and told me later.

DS now currently sent to his room for an hour. Our neighbours boys are over so he can hear everyone still playing pirates without him.

He is already under caution (and had electronics taken away) for watching Minecraft videos when told not to. (broke trust/disobeyed direct request)

So I need a sanction for the stealing. It is his birthday at the weekend. We are going out with all of us/celebrating with DH/doing cakes etc on the Sunday as DH will be there and then on his actual birthday - Monday - DD/DS and I were planning on going to Harry Potter World (it is Inset day here).

Is it too harsh a punishment to cancel Harry Potter World? For stealing? He doesn't seem to get it when he has done wrong. Says sorry but just looks a bit sulky when he does so. I really want to get the message across that twice he has broken trust (videos and now stealing) and this is really bad.

Or am I overplaying it?

AM so cross right now I am not sure if IABU or even too soft cos I love him even if he has been a toe-rag

Thank you

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 31/05/2017 15:33

I'm horrified this was for real. I really am. I find it actually quite upsetting when children are treated so badly. They are then like kicked puppies lapping up affection when it's given. You and your husband sound horrible. He doesn't think you're harsh enough and this is the sort of shit uou pull?

When they grow up you'll get it back op and you'll both regret it. They will know right from wrong op. Don't be in any doubt about that. And the first lesson will be how you and your husband behave. They will know just how wrong it is.

I really hope you never want to baby sit your grandkids. Because when the time comes they won't let you.

Go and apologise to him. Sounds like he's already rebelling.

WalkingOnLeg0 · 31/05/2017 15:34

He took something of someone else's. Something, potentially, of value.

But it wasn't of value, it was a piece of crap from a kitchen drawer he was going to use for a child's game, no different than using a fork or a spoon. It is not a crime, it is not even naughty.

If its yours and you dont want anyone else borrowing it, put it in your personal bedroom not in a family space. Locking a child up for an hour to think about why he is being punished for having done nothing wrong is going to lead to a very resentful child.

ALittleMop · 31/05/2017 15:34

Have you heard the expression "might as well be hung for a sheep as a lamb?"

Original poster
ChickenAndSpinachBalti · 31/05/2017 15:34

TheFallen similar -ish. And the sit down/explanation/chats haven't necessarily worked. He goes into an emotionally defensive/sulky mode. I can tell he is not listening and just wants to get away. I think he feels horrid and just emotionally goes "la, la, la I am not listening".

So yes, some form. And I have been worried about how to get him to reflect on his morals/choices iyswim. As only then will he start to learn to think before he acts. Yes, yes, I know he is young. So yes, maybe all of what has happened this afternoon has been a bit OTT? But do you know what I saw something different in him when we chatted about it at the end of the hour. Like he had actually thought about it. The time had allowed him to calm down from the emotional denial and reflect a bit. Maybe. Maybe I am just justifying it.

I am trying to help him with his emotional intelligence (to describe his feelings etc) but although he is wonderful at expressing his positive feelings he does shut down if sad/annoyed/upset etc. We are working on it.

He is being a full blown pirate atm and this is all very old news to him. I have some weeding to do.

Thank you for preventing me being the most evil mother in the world.

And for those frothing a bit, please do not worry about my son. He really is a very happy, lovely little boy and I am not a monster. I promise.

OP posts:
Me4You · 31/05/2017 15:37

Wow. Unfreakingbelievable.

This is awful. It's his home. You are a family. Unless he's taking cash from your purse to buy drugs there is surely no stealing?

I would have said "put it back, I need that, it's not a toy" and...um...got on with my day.

I'm agog.

I guess my children have been stealing all day then. They've been in and out of cupboards dressing up and ransacked the shed for "tools" to build a den. Technically none of it belongs to them. Never occurred to me that they'd committed a crime.

Serialweightwatcher · 31/05/2017 15:38

Even a 9 year old wouldn't think it was potentially of value when it's in a kitchen drawer full of crap ..... bloody hell, can't believe you got so het up about it - you just say 'in future please ask before you take something because it may be something I don't want you to have for whatever reason' .... mine would be in constant solitary confinement if every bit of tat they picked up and put in their bedroom/drawers while younger and now was punishable. Anything of any sort of value needs hiding away properly when children or anyone are about

gluteustothemaximus · 31/05/2017 15:38

Fabulous post from MrsTP 👏🏼

Trifleorbust · 31/05/2017 15:38

Wow. He wasn't stealing. He took something he thought was junk from a drawer of junk. That is not stealing.

Justanothersingledoutnumber · 31/05/2017 15:38

He did steal but he probably didn't think of it as stealing in the moment, you admitted to overreacting. Sorted.

This thread is now going to go on for another 5 pages telling you how VVVVVU you are.

Justanothersingledoutnumber · 31/05/2017 15:40

And your daughter should be warned about telling tales.

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 31/05/2017 15:40

As a child, I was allowed to borrow stuff if I asked first. This was more so my mum knew where it was, not because otherwise she considered it stealing. When I did borrow stuff without asking, my mum just cared about it going away properly.

As an adult now, I would never consider stealing anything. I am not of the mentality of not returning to a shop if I have been undercharged for something because it will be absorbed. I will always go back to rectify it.

I think you have jumped to a crazy conclusion about this. Yes, teach him to ask first but not because it's stealing. Teach him to respect belongings, whether they're yours or his.

ConferencePear · 31/05/2017 15:41

You might want to weigh the necklace OP - scrap silver is 35p a gram at the moment. Wink

ElphabaStrop · 31/05/2017 15:43

He did not steal, Justanother - he's below the age of criminal responsibility AND did not take the broken chain with the intent to permanently deprive. He saw a bit of shiny tat in the kitchen drawer and borrowed it without asking.

Original poster
ChickenAndSpinachBalti · 31/05/2017 15:44

OK. So reading some of the latest and you are making me reflect. And think.

The semantics and judgements about what he did I will leave. We have different opinions.

MrsTerry definitely food for thought. I like that view point and I will go and do some weeding and think about it. And yes, maybe I am too much focussed on "complying" at times. And yes, maybe the fact 10 mins wouldn't work is I am too harsh. But TBH I rarely send him to his room. AND HE WAS NOT LOCKED IN FFS I really, really don't think I am harsh with them. But I will go and think about it. Maybe my expectations are too harsh.

BTW the reason he had to ask for safety pins was he did not know where they were - so I told him. In my drawer. He was welcome to have some. Not that he had to come begging to borrow them.

OP posts:
Squishedstrawberry4 · 31/05/2017 15:44

The punishments need to fit the crime. Which yours don't. So for example - watching mine craft when he shouldn't have been been means no minecraft for two days. Taking a chain that's not his means he does without something precious if his for a few days. If he hadn't returned it, he would have had to find a way to pay for it.

Saracen · 31/05/2017 15:46

YABU. The necklace was in the crap drawer, not in your jewelry box. The Minecraft video transgression was pretty minor too IMO.

I think it was perfectly reasonable for him to use the necklace without asking. As for watching the video, maybe a slight telling off ("I told you no videos! Turn it off!") or if it's a regular thing causing problems all the time then restrict his access to the gadget more effectively.

SaucyJack · 31/05/2017 15:46

"Something, potentially, of value."

But it wasn't of value. You've said so yourself. Why not credit him with the judgement to tell the difference between old, broken junk and valuable jewellery.

He seems quite capable to me TBH.

FloofyCat · 31/05/2017 15:46

What worries me is what your DH is like, if he thinks you are too soft?

Justanothersingledoutnumber · 31/05/2017 15:46

He did not steal, Justanother - he's below the age of criminal responsibility AND did not take the broken chain with the intent to permanently deprive. He saw a bit of shiny tat in the kitchen drawer and borrowed it without asking.

Rubbish, he sohuld be sent to sing-sing and given 25 to life for his crimes, and extra 5 if her tries to run!!!
I go by the law of Javert!!!!

Mia1415 · 31/05/2017 15:47

Wow! You are being way to harsh. I don't consider this stealing at all. I feel really sorry for your DS. I'm quite shocked to be honest.

ElphabaStrop · 31/05/2017 15:47

"The semantics and judgements about what he did..."

People have pointed out the actual legal definition of theft - and that it is not what your ds has committed.

No semantics - you are criminalising him when he has not committed a crime.

FloofyCat · 31/05/2017 15:47

Although if I had received all these replies, I would be shocked and seriously considering why my parenting was seen by so many other people to be so over strict and potentially damaging, rather than doing the the "yes but" replies, so I wonder how genuine you are, tbh.

ElphabaStrop · 31/05/2017 15:48

😂😂😂 Justanother

Changedjustforthisonly · 31/05/2017 15:48

Yes, way too harsh. Punishments should be logical and appropriately fair. This is way OTT imo

Lweji · 31/05/2017 15:49

And the sit down/explanation/chats haven't necessarily worked. He goes into an emotionally defensive/sulky mode. I can tell he is not listening and just wants to get away

That happens if you go into lecture mode.

You should first listen to him and why he thought it was ok, or why he didn't ask, explain why it was wrong (briefly), and then get his apology and promise that he won't do it again.
It works best if you sit next to him, at his level, side by side, not looking straight in his eyes, and definitely not from a top to down position. Then have a big hug.

For much more than 10 min he'll stop thinking about what he did and only think how mean you are.