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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Quick poll - Is this the right level of punishment?

270 replies

ChickenAndSpinachBalti · 31/05/2017 14:34

Help MN jury. DS (nearly 9yo) took something of mine. Without asking. So he stole.

Just a cheapo, silver (ish) chain which was broken and in the kitchen-drawer-of-crap. Think it was there with a vague thought I may try and fix at some time. Been there for a while years probably. If he had asked I would have given it to him without a thought.

He was borrowing (and had asked nicely) some safety pins to make a pirate costume. I pointed him to the drawer of crap. He saw the necklace and thought it would be great "treasure" for their game. Took it. Didn't ask.

DD (11yo) came and told me later.

DS now currently sent to his room for an hour. Our neighbours boys are over so he can hear everyone still playing pirates without him.

He is already under caution (and had electronics taken away) for watching Minecraft videos when told not to. (broke trust/disobeyed direct request)

So I need a sanction for the stealing. It is his birthday at the weekend. We are going out with all of us/celebrating with DH/doing cakes etc on the Sunday as DH will be there and then on his actual birthday - Monday - DD/DS and I were planning on going to Harry Potter World (it is Inset day here).

Is it too harsh a punishment to cancel Harry Potter World? For stealing? He doesn't seem to get it when he has done wrong. Says sorry but just looks a bit sulky when he does so. I really want to get the message across that twice he has broken trust (videos and now stealing) and this is really bad.

Or am I overplaying it?

AM so cross right now I am not sure if IABU or even too soft cos I love him even if he has been a toe-rag

Thank you

OP posts:
Fragglez · 31/05/2017 14:54

Crikey! If he had raided your jewellery box for 'treasure' and buried it in the garden I could understand your upset, but a chain that you forgot you had and that you had already broken being borrowed, yes borrowed, not stolen! Jesus wept!

pointythings · 31/05/2017 14:54

This can't be real. It just can't.

FetchezLaVache · 31/05/2017 14:56

I think it's perfectly reasonable, OP, if you don't mind if you never see your son again once he hits 18 - but I imagine you'll be quite happy as long as your golden child, DD, sticks around.

CecilyP · 31/05/2017 14:57

So he took some crap from a kitchen drawer that he had free access to and you call it stealing. You are being ridiculous. He has done nothing wrong, so does not deserve any punishment. HTH

Tretchikoff · 31/05/2017 14:58

Wow! That's shocking OP!
Do you normally parent so harshly? Your poor boy having to listen to the others playing.
As for your daughter telling tales she clearly knew how severely he was going to be dealt with.
I'd be punishing her too she sounds mean and spiteful Sad

Kennethwasmyfriend · 31/05/2017 14:59

I don't think it was stealing either.

nippey · 31/05/2017 15:00

Way too harsh. I don't understand how you can call it stealing if he was using it to play a game, presumably he was going to bring it back.

I think you are going to have difficulties when he is a teenager if you are being this ridiculously over the top for a non-issue. What will you do when he does something actually deserving of a punishment!?

Katmeifyoucan · 31/05/2017 15:00

He didn't steal your necklace. Poor boy. The fact you want to punish him so harshly worries me too. Total over reaction on your part.

DJBaggySmalls · 31/05/2017 15:01

He didnt steal anything. Its his home too.

If he takes a biscuit do you punish him for stealing food? Is he allowed to use toilet roll, or have a piece of fruit?
Can he take a book off the shelf and read it?

Original poster
ChickenAndSpinachBalti · 31/05/2017 15:01

Wow! OK and breathe...everyone and.... thank you.

So an hour in his bedroom to think about it is enough. Phew. Done that. Saw the first few responses and yep, came down off my high horse.

To be fair the drawer of crap is my drawer of crap. Referred to as "Mummy's drawer". It is only me in my head that calls it my drawer of crap. Stuff in it is mine iyswim. So a crap chain to me. But it may as well have been him taking it from my jewellery box - he would not know the value either way iyswim.

Don't get me wrong - please. I am normally a calm sit down chat with him if something has happened. Albeit a bit of yelling involved here and there. Don't we all. But there has been a stream of little things happening recently - he has a lot of form for not caring/thinking about other people's stuff iyswim. And not listening or seeming to care if he has done something wrong. Or not listening if asked not to do something and/or trying to sneakily do it anyway.

He can also be a total darling and the two of them are the light of my life (and yy will be having a chat with DD about the snitching. Is not her normal way of things but think she wanted to return the chain to me as she thought it was valuable).

Also DH commented yesterday that he thinks sometimes I am too soft of them. So way initially v cross so sent him to his room and then had a churny/argh what do I do? Do I need to do more? If so what? What would actually make him think about it. Think without the "are you too soft" playing in my head I wouldn't even have thought of it.

So hence the quick poll.

The responses gave me the bucket of water I needed over my head.

So no need to call Social Services.

DS and I have had a good cuddle and a chat. He seems to have got it. Realised that you need to ask. etc etc. He is now playing with his friends after his hour thinking about it.

OP posts:
Mulberry72 · 31/05/2017 15:01

Of course YABVVVVVU!!

It was a broken cheapo chain from the Drawer of Crap that you'd probably forgotten about anyway!

Your poor DS, taking away his birthday treat is cruel and a massive over reaction, you sound unhinged.

FuckingSausageFingers · 31/05/2017 15:02

Waaaaaay too harsh! His brother was being a little shit-stirrer trying to get him in trouble and you've taken the bloody bait. Massive, massive over-reaction. Chill the fuck out.

ZigZagIntoTheBlue · 31/05/2017 15:02

Op I get what you mean. Ds6 keeps going into my room and taking things then lying about it. It's nothing of value or particularly important but it's taking without asking and then lying about it. I'm not much help though as I'm also at a loss as to how to get it through his head that it's wrong. It's small stuff now but I don't want to wait until it's cash and important things to make it clear.

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 31/05/2017 15:03

I'm glad OP has seen sense.

BewareOfDragons · 31/05/2017 15:04

Why are you punishing the child for taking something from a drawer you told him to look for things to use in?!? What the hell is wrong with you!

Poor boy. You owe him a massive apology, and you need to long and hard at why you treated him so poorly.

StaplesCorner · 31/05/2017 15:05

But if you had to ask us then does that mean you'd consider something like that again, as DH says you're too soft on them? Blimey.

BewareOfDragons · 31/05/2017 15:05

x-post ... perils of being interrupted while scrolling through ... I'm glad you've seen sense, OP.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 31/05/2017 15:07

An hour to think about it? Wow.

What will you do when he does something deliberately badly behaved?

MikeUniformMike · 31/05/2017 15:07

Nice of DD to tell on her brother. My DSis used to repeat to me horrid things that my parents had said about me. Nice of her. Made me angry with her and DPs. She would also tell on me leading to me being punished. Made me feel that no one was being fair.

The chain was in the messy drawer. Your DC is only 9 ffs. He was being resourceful. Big hug to him from me.

ALittleMop · 31/05/2017 15:08

I think you should apologise to him

Original poster
ChickenAndSpinachBalti · 31/05/2017 15:09

ZigZag thank you btw. Taking something belonging to someone else, without asking, is stealing. But according to some posters here it was not. And at what age would it not be wayyyy over the top to call it stealing OP? Would I have to have waited until he was 14yo? 16yo? Older? Taking money from my purse? to call it what it was? But I was not after naming the action. Just the sanction. The hour was enough. MN helped my with that.

But I do need to get through his head (and at nearly 9yo he is old enough) that stealing is wrong. I needed to make it clear (despite all the had wringing above) that it was not acceptable. Even if the item is inconsequential and in a drawer of crap it was not his inconsequential item. It was not a piece of fruit or a book or a toy.

OP posts:
Lweji · 31/05/2017 15:10

It's really annoying when you come to tell the OP off and there's such a nice update. Couldn't you keep being unreasonable for a while longer?

alltouchedout · 31/05/2017 15:10

I'm glad you've seen sense somewhat because your initial reaction was way over the top. I agree that you should apologise to him.

crazykitten20 · 31/05/2017 15:10

He took something which isn't his.

But it was chucked in a household drawer like a teaspoon or an old key. Of no use to anyone. Junk.

I think you are being cruel. I would actually go further (sorry but you asked) and I'd say you are bullying him.

notanevilstepmother · 31/05/2017 15:11

Wow, I'm amazed at the response. I agree it would be a bit much to cancel the trip, but is it really helpful to put it in such a critical way?

Mums come on here for help, to help them make the right decision for their kids.

With over the top attacks like this it would be understandable if people just punished their children without asking for advice.

Biscuit for the ridiculous suggestion to call child protection. Ffs, they have real actual abuse to deal with, not mum's who aren't sure how to handle something quite perfectly. Ffs.

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