Hubby's Hobby

[Giraffelover22]

Evening ladies,not sure if IABU.
Hubby and I have been together nearly 20 years and have 2 children and both work.
Hubby has always cycled to and from work as he has a condition meaning he will never be able to drive,so I am the sole driver in the family.
Lately he has taken to cycling as a hobby with friends,100 mile bike rides every Saturday,he also climbs on a Thursday evening.
His passion now seems to be taking over he went out cycling yesterday,has just text saying he is going out cycling tonight and has a 100 mile ride planned again for this Saturday.
Guess I am just feeling trapped and yearning for my own me time but being the only driver means I am responsible for ferrying kids to clubs,sleepovers,birthdays,camps etc.
A typical week is as follows:
Monday night,no commitments,hubby cycles.
Tuesday-DD1 has tennis,then Brownies until 7:45.
Wednesday-Dd1 Guides 7:30-9 Hubby cycles
Thursday-Dd1 Gym 7-8 Hubby goes climbing 7-11pm
Friday-DD2 Gym 4-5,then every other Friday DD1 youth club 7-9:30
Saturday-Hubby 100 mile ride
Sunday- Girls swimming lessons 10-12
Yes,I could have me time on a Sunday but I consider that our only family time in the week.
The responsibility falls to me to drop off and pick up from the various clubs and this past weekend DD1 has been on camp,so dropped off and picked up and had to make sure I'm around,cannot have a drink in case I need to collect in an emergency.
Two weekends time DD2 is off on Brownie camp,so again will be me dropping off etc.
Although I don't resent him not being able to drive and I knew this within days of us meeting,it can be so restricting at times as it means I am always on call to be somewhere, and he just gets to do his hobbies when he pleases as he has no ties.
Oh and we are going to Wales on holiday,he has now announced he wants to cycle and meet us there,leaving me with a 6 hour journey with the girls.

The kids' activities aren't essential and his are? No joint account and he pays for nothing extra?

Arsehole.

YANBU, he doesn't sound very invested in the family. Tell him to take the kids with him on cycling trips/climbing. Might he actually enjoy that? It would give your children the chance to bond with him.

Disagree with the people screaming for divorce.

hes an arshole

and how would it affect the dc if u left him hes never there!

your teaching your children its ok for the woman to do everything and the men can do a they please

I read your first couple of posts and was going to post about balancing cycling with other commitments (as a cyclist, with lots of cycling friends all of whom have slightly different calls on our time).

Then I read the bit about kids clubs and school trips. He's a wanker OP. Utter fucking wanker. What kind of a father buys cycling gear all the time but begrudges their own children a relatively small amount it costs for Brownies, or the experience of their first camp, or the prob once in primary school age residential trip? Hell I'm in my mid-30s and I still remember my first guide camp, my primary year 7 residential even now. What a selfish arsehole

Why does he not drive? Unless its medical this alone makes him a selfish prick

His eyesight, apparently. I have slight doubts on that one seeing as he cycles and climbs but apparently he told the OP within days of meeting her so who knows.

My dad has never driven but we grew up in London where it wasn't a problem. Was probably good for me and my sibling as even now, whilst we both can drive, we're not car dependent and don't buy into car culture. It doesn't have to be an issue but the OP's husband is making it one because of his general behaviour.

Out of curiosity, what's his excuse for not paying for school uniform? Surely he can't claim that that's not essential?

When you transfer money for bills into his account, I suggest you start deducting half of what you pay out for uniform, school trips etc - and backdate it to include what you've paid out in that respect already.

" I know it's a bit judgemental of me but I think they all look like such bell ends."

OMG @psychadelicsheep I proper laughed at that, some of my friends' partners have taken it up and they all rolled up to a bbq to meet their partners/kids last weekend after a big bank holiday ride and jesus, I could barely keep a straight face you'd have thought they were olympic athletes or just finished the Tour de France the gear they have on and the way they go on about it. They do indeed look like bell ends.

HANG ON

This guy can't drive due to his eyesight but he CYCLES for hundreds of miles, what the actual fuck?!?! Can you get someone banned from cycling, surely that's a disaster waiting to happen?!

Sorry but not driving is an excuse. I don't drive, live semi rural and manage perfectly well. You plan buses, trains, walking and taxi's. You just have to not be an inconsiderate wankbadger who thinks they are more important than anyone else.

OP, I hope you spoke to him last night and he is cycling off into the sunset.

I often say this on threads but, you have 2 daughters. What would you advise them if they came to you with this problem? They learn about relationships from you so you need to teach them not to take this shit.

Do you have any friends who would life share to brownies/ guides so you only go out once. Tbh I don't think the odd late bedtime is harmful and it would be positive for him to spend that time walking with dds. If you are struggling to afford the activities and trips maybe cut back in the Autumn. If he is to go on holiday can you not take the bike with you and him ride early in the day. Does he take them to swimming?

The more you post, the more of a selfish arse he sounds.

The children's expenses are joint household bills, they are not treats for you, so they need to be added to the total costs.

I can't see a man this selfish changing, to be honest.

I was a hobby cyclist, the law now is the same as then, probably stricter nowadays actually. If you can't see well enough to drive you shouldn't be cycling on public highways. So not only is he a selfish dick to his wife and children he's putting other road users lives at risk IF that is true about his eyesight. Seriously even with glasses he's not legal to drive? I call bullshit!

Ultimatum time.

I've been a Lp for almost 15 years. I will not say it's easy but it's a damn site easier than dealing with and paying for and doing chores for an extra adult sized sulky child!!

Tell him in no uncertain terms to shape up or piss off!

I think your marriage is over. Sorry. Maybe a last ditch attempt with counselling but otherwise I can't see how being married to such a selfish bastard is in any way good for you.

I would suggest he does the 1.5 mile pick up. Perhaps your dd could cycle there and back and your dh could cycle to meet her?
Can you shareigtd with other parents?
As for the holiday i would be saying no to him cycling there,
He is taking the mickey and making it hard for you to argue with him.

Cock lodger

Wow what a selfish prick! Bet he's also the sort to hog the road 4 abreast, oblivious to the massive queue of traffic behind him.

Did you have that chat with him last night?

1.5 miles ... no reason he can't do it on bikes with DDs.

A slightly later bedtime is not going to cause major issues. It is totally outweighed by DH getting involved with his own DC and for you to start getting some time to yourself again.

I am at every update you have posted OP. You have put up with such crap for so long.

Putting it all on the table once again is not going to change him but you can take steps to change what you are doing. Actions not words. He's had more than enough second chances, he's proven he's not listening to a word you say. But you are not powerless. Your actions are important.

How did the talk go?

My dh has for periods of time not driven. (seizures related to a medical condition). We live in the country, have two dcs and it was knackering. He also can't ride a bike - balance issues. However he came and participated in some of the mundane, did housework and looked after new puppy. He was a bit crap about some things initially and pulled his socks up. If it happens again I've told him we are moving. We share all finances and kids come first.
Your dh is a selfish twat. Sorry.

The cycling is a red herring (albeit an infuriating one)
Your 'd'H is a grade A twat.

Don't beat yourself up for having put up with it for so long. But do seek out some counselling or support and work out how you want your life to be in the future.

My ex was like him, and honestly life was just so much happier when we split. And their school and nursery commented on how the children "blossomed" in the months after the split, I think because they picked
Up on my happiness and relief.

I was married to a man like your husband, but the hobby was different. For years I went along with it, I got worn down and tired and my libido disappeared. So he had an affair and our marriage ended.
Four years later I met a widower who had never had children and was a keen cyclist, he has a good job and plenty of money to spend on his bikes. He had got used to being able to spend hours and plenty of money on his hobby. But he knows that we should have equal hobby time and even though my DD is not his we share the household 50:50. Family holidays are just that, yes we do take bikes, but not road bikes, hybrids for family cycle rides. If he would like to spend a lot of money on a bike we discuss it, in fact a new bike has just been purchased.
It is possible to have cycling as your hobby, be good at it and not be a selfish twat.

So he doesn't value your time or money and puts himself ahead of everyone else in the family at your expense. You would be so much better off (in every sense of the word) single.

How can he say school day trips are non essential? Would he really be happy for his daughter's to probably be the only ones left behind while their friends all go and have a lovely day? And then for them to have to listen to their friends talk about the trip afterwards? All the whole knowing he is spending the money on himself? What an absolute arsehole

148 posts - and not a single one defending your DH.
I hope you are OK - I think you have some very serious thinking to do.