Hubby's Hobby

[Giraffelover22]

Evening ladies,not sure if IABU.
Hubby and I have been together nearly 20 years and have 2 children and both work.
Hubby has always cycled to and from work as he has a condition meaning he will never be able to drive,so I am the sole driver in the family.
Lately he has taken to cycling as a hobby with friends,100 mile bike rides every Saturday,he also climbs on a Thursday evening.
His passion now seems to be taking over he went out cycling yesterday,has just text saying he is going out cycling tonight and has a 100 mile ride planned again for this Saturday.
Guess I am just feeling trapped and yearning for my own me time but being the only driver means I am responsible for ferrying kids to clubs,sleepovers,birthdays,camps etc.
A typical week is as follows:
Monday night,no commitments,hubby cycles.
Tuesday-DD1 has tennis,then Brownies until 7:45.
Wednesday-Dd1 Guides 7:30-9 Hubby cycles
Thursday-Dd1 Gym 7-8 Hubby goes climbing 7-11pm
Friday-DD2 Gym 4-5,then every other Friday DD1 youth club 7-9:30
Saturday-Hubby 100 mile ride
Sunday- Girls swimming lessons 10-12
Yes,I could have me time on a Sunday but I consider that our only family time in the week.
The responsibility falls to me to drop off and pick up from the various clubs and this past weekend DD1 has been on camp,so dropped off and picked up and had to make sure I'm around,cannot have a drink in case I need to collect in an emergency.
Two weekends time DD2 is off on Brownie camp,so again will be me dropping off etc.
Although I don't resent him not being able to drive and I knew this within days of us meeting,it can be so restricting at times as it means I am always on call to be somewhere, and he just gets to do his hobbies when he pleases as he has no ties.
Oh and we are going to Wales on holiday,he has now announced he wants to cycle and meet us there,leaving me with a 6 hour journey with the girls.

[Parker231]

What does he contribute to the home and family? Do you have any hobbies, time to meet up with friends?

[Deux]

I rarely comment on relationship threads nut feel compelled to on this one. This is just terrible and little wonder you're doubting the reality of the situation. It's the slowly simmered frog analogy. Where's the balance in all this?

I'm shocked that you're paying half of bills and all DCs activities. That's just wrong. Does the same work in reverse? I bet he has loads more disposable income than you do. What about other stuff, household chores, cooking, do you do the bulk of that too?

I do think LTB is an option sadly.

[LittleBeautyBelle]

I wouldn't put any of my money in his account. Let him pay for all the bills and see how he likes it. Use your money for your kids' activities. He conveniently doesn't think to help you at all, you can conveniently not think to put your money in his account. "It's not essential that I put my money in your account. I pay for all the kids' activities which are a thousand times more important than your constant luxury hobbies. Either you put your money into a joint account that I control and cut back on your luxury hobbies and be a decent husband and father or you can ride your bike to Siberia and not come back. I've had it." No way would I put a cent in his account. You've got to make big changes and that starts with one account that you control. He's had control all these years, it's your turn. What an ass he is! It's not going to hurt him for you to do the finances and for him to cut way back on his pet hobbies. Just asking him nicely to change won't help. Just make the changes, and get the necessary info from him if you don't already have it. Let him hit the roof. So what! Stay calm and fierce. He is lucky to have you, it's not the other way round! Once or twice a week to cycle is plenty, he needs to be a dad and caring husband. The usual is not going to work and hasn't worked, you have to look him in the eye and be B O L D. It works. Trust me haha!

[PaulDacresFeministConscience]

Leave. A man who is so mean that he won't pay for his own kids' activities but it quite happy to indulge and spend £££ on his own hobbies, is an utter cunt who will make you miserable and resentful.

Stop transferring money to him, see a good lawyer and tell the tight bastard that you want a divorce. Seriously - being on your own has got to be preferable to wasting your precious years with this arsehole.

[AcrossthePond55]

So, basically he's a 'bachelor father' and you are a domestic servant.

Exactly what would you really lose by splitting? You do all the driving, you do all the housework, you do all the childcare. He flits in and out of family life when he feels like it. He does not contribute to a joint account, you have to give him your money that I assume he decides when and how to spend and I'm also sure he takes into account what he wants to spend on his hobby in all his decisions first. Seems to me you'd gain time and money if he left. Your cooking would decrease, your laundry would decrease, your cleaning would decrease. And he'd have to contribute money to your household. Money that YOU would control and decide how to spend. And that wouldn't be spent on his hobby!

I think you need to carefully consider what you're actually getting from this 'domestic arrangement'. Because that's what it is. A marriage is sharing and consideration. You get none of that.

[MsJolly]

Fuck that. Whoever said upthread about selfish cyclists and triathletes are right. Always selfish thoughtless fuckers who come and go as they please, leaving partners to do all the hard work.

And that's before the money situation-I wouldn't be giving him a penny till he sorted out a joint account and a joint approach to funding the family and everyone's needs.

Actually, I'd LTB & I don't say that lightly.

[PsychedelicSheep]

OP, your 'hubby' is a grade A cunt of the highest order. Fuck him off.

[justkeeponsmiling]

Poor you OP. I just wanted to add to the voices on here telling you to put your foot down. He sounds very selfish. I can understand that the thought of suddenly being single again after so many years seems scary but surely you and your girls deserve better!
Good luck for your conversation tonight.

[arethereanyleftatall]

The cycling selfishness is bad, but the money thing is utterly disgraceful.

[Frazzled2207]

Yes the cycling thing is bad but his selfishness with money would be a divorceable offence.

Dh and I argue a bit over not having enough time to do each other's hobbies but we have broadly now accepted that when you have kids you just don't.
Definitely sounds like you and your dds would be better off without him, sorry

[IggyAce]

OP checking out of family life in favour of his hobbies is one thing but the money situation is awful. Like pp I think you would gain so much more by divorcing him. I believe a lot of your self esteem issues could be down to your current situation.

[SweetLuck]

Thing is, if you've given ultimatums before and they haven't worked, he isn't going to change and suddenly start enjoying family life just because you've laid it all out on the table is he?

Could you afford to leave him, do you have a Plan B?

[Gabilan]

The hobby selfishness on its own could possibly be fixed. The money situation shifts you into LTB territory.

[jakscrakers]

IMO and most of the others I have read here he is a single man in his eyes, his money is his, his time is his, you are there to run here and there and pay for everything. Sounds like you would be much better off without him, and you really need to give this some serious thought. Hes not even what you could call a weekend dad, sure sounds like even the children would be better off too. All this is my opinion from what you have wrote, but when it comes down to it, its entirely up to you, but your not setting a great example for daughters on what a relationship/marriage is

[OVienna]

Please puncture the tyres. Do it right before he sets off on the six hrs to Wales.

[Rockhopper81]

The excessive cycling is bad enough. The financial and family distance is beyond excusable.

I hope your talk this evening gave some answers. Hopefully that he has a massive change of heart, or that you make the difficult decision to start planning an 'exit strategy'.

[LittleBeautyBelle]

Op, hope you are taking everyone's thoughts to heart. Your last post, "He refuses to have a joint account so I transfer half the bills into his account."

Do you see what's wrong with that statement, and what's wrong with how he interacts with you and how you interact with him?

I don't know if you know this or not, but he is not anything close to what a husband and father is. Did you know that it is entirely possible for you to be married to a decent man? A man who does everything this clod does not? This clod has got you hoodwinked into believing that what he does is normal. It is not, I assure you. Take it from all of us, a husband and father takes his family places, does the driving, spends time with his family cheerfully and is loving, affectionate, caring, cooks dinner or if you cook dinner, cooks dinner when you're tired and when you just don't feel like it. He rubs your feet every night and watches your favorite shows with you. He writes you letters and special cards for your birthday and Mother's Day. He calls you during the day or texts you to see what you're doing, how you are and to talk about interesting things. He hands over his paycheck each week for you to do the finances and he consults with you when he wants or needs to make a big purchase. He loves to plan holidays with you, he attends the children's recitals and lessons, he works hard at his job and includes his children in his hobbies and participates in theirs. He talks to you about books and the big questions of life and laughs with you and makes you laugh and knows the special things you love and is there in the little things and the big things of life and enjoys being home, doing things to the house and garden and grills out on the BBQ and goes to the grocery store when you hand him a list, looks forward to hanging out with you and the kids on the sofa, playing games, watching movies, you and the kids are #1 in his life and he shows it, no need to wonder or agonize or fret....so much more. OP, please open your mind up to beyond the world your clod husband has presented to you. That is not a marriage!

[myusernameisgeneric]

The excessive spending time away from you all is bad.
Giving you no opportunity to do the same is worse.
Not wanting to spend time with you or his kids is absolutely appalling.
Refusing to pay to costs for the girls or holidays is also appalling.

Does he do any housework? Any childcare? If you are both working full time he should be helping with the chores as well, especially since he can't do any driving.

Does he earn more than you? If so is he paying more towards bills? Is he leaving you struggling for cash? Does he pay for the girls clothes/shoes/haircuts or does he tell you they don't need things most of the time? How many other things besides trips and holidays does he consider non essential and refuse to pay for?

Sounds like a miserable life to me tbh. Do you ever get time as a family?

[notyummy]

What little beauty belle said. This isn't a marriage.

[Msqueen33]

There is no justification for this!

[Giraffey1]

And how is it that his children's school trips and hobbies aren't 'essential ' but his own expensive hobby is? Utter hypocrisy.

[drspouse]

Why can't your girls cycle home with him from activities?
Your younger one's bike will fit in the car on the way there and your older one can cycle on her own to get there.

Other than that money and holidays need to change.

[Catherinebee85]

The more you tell the worse the story gets! He's absolutely taking the piss and you're letting him. He sounds like a selfish prick who doesn't seem to care about you or his daughter.

Problem is its gone so far he probably can't see it as you've let it slide for so long. It needs tackling. Theres no time for you in this timetable at all and that's only going to breed further resentment.

No he can't drive but you're supposed to be a pa renting team. Currently he sounds like a spoilt child!

[Maxandrubyrubyandmax]

Why does he not drive? Unless its medical this alone makes him a selfish prick

[Rachel0Greep]

It sounds like you would be far better off without him, tbh. All of you.