Hubby's Hobby

[Giraffelover22]

Evening ladies,not sure if IABU.
Hubby and I have been together nearly 20 years and have 2 children and both work.
Hubby has always cycled to and from work as he has a condition meaning he will never be able to drive,so I am the sole driver in the family.
Lately he has taken to cycling as a hobby with friends,100 mile bike rides every Saturday,he also climbs on a Thursday evening.
His passion now seems to be taking over he went out cycling yesterday,has just text saying he is going out cycling tonight and has a 100 mile ride planned again for this Saturday.
Guess I am just feeling trapped and yearning for my own me time but being the only driver means I am responsible for ferrying kids to clubs,sleepovers,birthdays,camps etc.
A typical week is as follows:
Monday night,no commitments,hubby cycles.
Tuesday-DD1 has tennis,then Brownies until 7:45.
Wednesday-Dd1 Guides 7:30-9 Hubby cycles
Thursday-Dd1 Gym 7-8 Hubby goes climbing 7-11pm
Friday-DD2 Gym 4-5,then every other Friday DD1 youth club 7-9:30
Saturday-Hubby 100 mile ride
Sunday- Girls swimming lessons 10-12
Yes,I could have me time on a Sunday but I consider that our only family time in the week.
The responsibility falls to me to drop off and pick up from the various clubs and this past weekend DD1 has been on camp,so dropped off and picked up and had to make sure I'm around,cannot have a drink in case I need to collect in an emergency.
Two weekends time DD2 is off on Brownie camp,so again will be me dropping off etc.
Although I don't resent him not being able to drive and I knew this within days of us meeting,it can be so restricting at times as it means I am always on call to be somewhere, and he just gets to do his hobbies when he pleases as he has no ties.
Oh and we are going to Wales on holiday,he has now announced he wants to cycle and meet us there,leaving me with a 6 hour journey with the girls.

[Kennethwasmyfriend]

That is downright abusive, to have the money for hobbies and refuse to pay for children's educational experiences. I have a do with a hobby which does annoy me as I feel it's his priority, but when it comes to stuff for the dcs he would never dream of denying them.
What an arse.

[AnyFucker]

He sounds vile

[BandeauSally]

What actually is there to like about this guy OP? He doesn't even like his own children.

[Cuppaoftea]

What decent Father refuses to fund his children's activities?!

[LittleBeautyBelle]

OP, you need to assert your authority asap.

He is a jerk! He should be paying for a bunch of those things and he should be spending a bunch of his time driving his family around and spending time with you all. This is BASIC dad and husband 101.

[ColossalKalamari]

He sounds like a complete twat. Why is he not contributing equally to his children? What are you actually getting out of this relationship?

[BastardGoDarkly]

Cheeky bastard!? The kids activities aren't essential, but his constant stream of hobby parcels are?! What was his excuse for the family holiday? ' Not essential ?!

He's taking the right piss.

[Kokusai]

He is selfish with his time, and money.

Why bother living with him?

[Kokusai]

If you divorced him you would most likely get to stay in the house until the youngest is 18 and get CM.

[ChristmasFluff]

Sounds like you are a single parent anyway. Point this out to him and ask him for reasons why you shouldn't make it official by divorcing.

[user1495707114]

I was going to say move house to somewhere with better public transport but I now say divorce him. He sounds awful and you deserve better.

[BewareOfDragons]

IF your children are old enough for Guides and Brownies, then they're well old enough to cycle with their dad. They can bike to their activities with them. He can take them biking on SAturday mornings while you have some time to yourself.

He's an arse and selfish as hell that he's not doing any of this already.

[honeylulu]

Oh God it's worse than I thought. Kick him out, divorce him, get CM to help fund clubs. Let him marry his wretched bike. Sounds like you won't even notice he is gone.
Honestly he won't pay a penny towards the family holiday (though he's happy to attend) or contribute to his children's activities - not even bloody school trips!! So your disposable income covers three (sometimes four) people and his covers ... his hobby.
Come on OP- give him the elbow!

[BewareOfDragons]

Just realized he only deems his own hobbies as 'essential' and nothing HIS children do as essential

Tell him you want a divorce. Tell him he won't have much money for his 'essential' activities because he'll now be supporting two households, which he really hasn't been doing up until now, has he? What a prick. And I never use that word.

[Giraffelover22]

This is the reason for the post.
I feel he is being selfish and unreasonable,but just worried I was being over sensitive or over reacting.
I struggle with low self esteem and am not the most assertive of people but something has got to change.
With his condition it affects his eyesight and is just under the limit for being allowed legally to drive and this will never change.
He hates holidays,says they are a waste of money,he really doesn't enjoy long periods of time with the girls.
He is a bit of a Jekyll and Hyde if he is in a good mood all is well if he has a con on then he basically talks to no one,which is why it's sometimes better he is out of the house.
He has just come in from work,got changed and said see you in a couple of hours.

[Giraffey1]

I was shocked when I started reading about the money side of things - he sounds very selfish and self absorbed. Does he have any redeeming features? I'm struggling to see what they might be. I'm guessing he is barefy ever home long enough to display any ....

[BandeauSally]

he really doesn't enjoy long periods of time with the girls

[Ceto]

He's increasingly opting out of family life and anything to do with his family. You really need a serious conversation with him as to whether he has any interest in staying with his family, because it doesn't look like you get anything but problems out of having him in the house.

[MsVestibule]

Do you really want to stay with him? Or is it just easier than going through the (relatively short term) pain of divorce? Genuine question. The whole situation is really quite sad. You and your girls deserve so much better.

[Kennethwasmyfriend]

I would not have thought it was safe to cycle on roads if you can't see well enough to drive.
Give him the wrong address in Wales and tell him you'll see him there. Pack his stuff.
Or, perhaps an ultimatum first, though it's hard to see how someone like this would change.

[BandeauSally]

You know why he doesn't enjoy long periods of time with them? Because he doesn't know them and hasn't developed a relationship where he can see their great personalities. He has no bond with them, they might as well be the neighbours children. I was really annoyed when I had to work this week while my Dc were off school. I wanted to be able to do fun things with them. I miss them when they aren't here. I like spending time with them, they are quite nice people.

[Trifleorbust]

He sounds like an absolute horror, OP. Divorce?

[MyOtherNameIsTaken]

Good lord. He obviously wants to be single so let him go. You're not going to lose much as you're paying for everything anyway.

I would also refuse parcels at the door but then that could be seen as being petty

[LittleBeautyBelle]

I agree with pp. He sounds vile and there's nothing to like about him. He's selfish and thinks he can do whatever he pleases while you do everything and pay for everything and do all the driving and planning and taking the kids to their activities. Your husband acts like he can't drive but climbs and rides his expensive bike on fun and very long rides? He needs a kick in the behind!

First step is to put all the money, his and yours, into one account and you control the outgo. Take away all his cards and checks, give him cash each week for true "essentials" and use your card for his legitimate purchases (no climbing or biking gear!) hinging on your approval. I'm not kidding! I am in charge of all the finances, my husband asks when he would like to buy something such as a tool, etc., it works great. He has a debit card to buy lunch at work or whatever but he is very responsible with it. He certainly doesn't fund a bunch of crazy hobbies and ignore family needs! It is not normal what your husband is doing. There's a lot to be said for the woman having the financial reins, it makes for a happy serene family life in my opinion. It's usually the woman who does the planning, organizing bills and activities....his attitude needs adjusting.

2nd step is to have him cut back drastically on his activities, say he can do 2 a week, max. The other days he can act like a decent husband and father.

Your husband has spent enough on bikes and climbing holidays. That's it! Not another penny. He is not using any of his money toward the family so it is up to you to take charge. His attitude is abominable so take him in hand and make him like it. That's what I think

[JaniceBattersby]

What an awful man he sounds. So selfish.

I couldn't live with it.

I'd split up, I'm afraid. Maybe sit down with him, lay it all on the line and tell him things are changing or you're splitting up.

One weekly hobby is enough for any adult with multiple small children. Anything else is a bonus. He's massively taking the piss.