Hubby's Hobby

[Giraffelover22]

Evening ladies,not sure if IABU.
Hubby and I have been together nearly 20 years and have 2 children and both work.
Hubby has always cycled to and from work as he has a condition meaning he will never be able to drive,so I am the sole driver in the family.
Lately he has taken to cycling as a hobby with friends,100 mile bike rides every Saturday,he also climbs on a Thursday evening.
His passion now seems to be taking over he went out cycling yesterday,has just text saying he is going out cycling tonight and has a 100 mile ride planned again for this Saturday.
Guess I am just feeling trapped and yearning for my own me time but being the only driver means I am responsible for ferrying kids to clubs,sleepovers,birthdays,camps etc.
A typical week is as follows:
Monday night,no commitments,hubby cycles.
Tuesday-DD1 has tennis,then Brownies until 7:45.
Wednesday-Dd1 Guides 7:30-9 Hubby cycles
Thursday-Dd1 Gym 7-8 Hubby goes climbing 7-11pm
Friday-DD2 Gym 4-5,then every other Friday DD1 youth club 7-9:30
Saturday-Hubby 100 mile ride
Sunday- Girls swimming lessons 10-12
Yes,I could have me time on a Sunday but I consider that our only family time in the week.
The responsibility falls to me to drop off and pick up from the various clubs and this past weekend DD1 has been on camp,so dropped off and picked up and had to make sure I'm around,cannot have a drink in case I need to collect in an emergency.
Two weekends time DD2 is off on Brownie camp,so again will be me dropping off etc.
Although I don't resent him not being able to drive and I knew this within days of us meeting,it can be so restricting at times as it means I am always on call to be somewhere, and he just gets to do his hobbies when he pleases as he has no ties.
Oh and we are going to Wales on holiday,he has now announced he wants to cycle and meet us there,leaving me with a 6 hour journey with the girls.

[2rebecca]

This isn't about the cycling, it's about him not pulling his weight financially or activity wise in the marriage.
I do think hobbies are important for adults and part of the problem is that you don't have a hobby and want to do family stuff rather than your own thing when he is around to look after the kids and DD1 has a lot of activities.
He is very useless as a family member though. If he otherwise pulled his weight the cycling wouldn't be an issue as you'd be able to discuss things and find compromises.
I'm amazed you've tolerated the petty meanness towards the girls, I had to check they were his kids not just yours as he has a poor attitude even for a step parent.

[gamerchick]

westray if I chuck a few hubsters and holibobs at you will you explode?

Hope you're alright OP. It sounds as if your kids would see more of their dad if you were separated.

[YouWhatMate]

Title doesn't count. Come on, don't do this to yourself!

[Mommasoph30]

you doing it all anyway, leave him , you will be better off

[Westray]

Hubby's Hobby (169 Posts)
Add message | Report | Message poster Giraffelover22 Tue 30-May-17 17:41:04
Evening ladies,not sure if IABU.
Hubby and I have been together nearly 20 years and have 2 children and both work.
Hubby has always c


3.

[YouWhatMate]

Anyway westray, one of those is actually "hobby". OP actually only said "hubby" twice in the first four lines. Maybe you misread hobby through your tears of despair from having seen the word hubby twice already.

Hope this helps you regain your will to live.

[SweetLuck]

Westray So why aren't you dead yet?

[IdaDown]

I truly believe there is a near perfect correlation between man twats and the type of women they are attracted* to.

• i.e. shy/timid/low self esteem.
  
  No strong, self minded women would have them.
  
  Look up financial abuse OP - how many boxes are you ticking?

[ICanTuckMyBoobsInMyPockets]

Thanks Westray for that insightful input.

You could have just ignored, rather than commented?

[FledglingFTB]

OP putting aside the obvious unbalance in your relationship... what do you get from it on a personal level? What you describe sounds like a 20yr old habit and he seems to treat you and your DCs like a chore.

Please correct me if I'm wrong?

[Westray]

Sorry, Couldn't read past the 3 "hubby"s in the first 4 lines of your post OP.

Gave up the will at that point.

[Softkitty2]

He is selfish. Won't pay for his own children. Why are you with this selfish twat?

[Gabilan]

Wizard I thought the t-shirt was a tongue in cheek response to this Sadly, I don't think you'd hear the reply you would want, if you said "it's me/dc or the bike.

Plus Middle aged men look silly in Lycra

Well, they're out there exercising. You could probably say that middle-aged women look silly in jogging gear, or yoga gear or whatever else, but you wear what's best for the exercise you're taking. IMO people should just be encouraged to exercise (tho not to the exclusion of family life!) rather than mocked for what they look like doing it.

There are many selfish arses out there who don't cycle and many serious cyclists who aren't selfish arses. As pp have said, the cycling's a red herring. The husband in this instance is a selfish wanker and would be whatever his hobby.

[timeisnotaline]

When you get to the money update ... holy moly. How can you stay with this guy? As for taking him on holidays, they are not essentials, why would he come? Please value yourself and your children more than this, and tell him to contribute financially, emotionally, and practically (i.e. Get useful shit done) or to leave.

[JeffVaderneedsatray]

OP he's a wanker.
My DH is a Petrol Head. He builds, drives and prepares his own Rally Cars and even at grass routes level that is a seriously expensive hobby.
However he always has time for us and I have equal time to do my thing(s).
Household expenses come first (and those expenses definitely include the DCs' activities - both do a martial art and the DD dances as well) and he probably has more disposable income than me as he works and I don't but the restriction on my 'spends' don't come from him but from me.
I'd be sorely tempted to tell him not to bother coming on holiday but to use the time to think about what he really really wants.

Plus Middle aged men look silly in Lycra!!

[BikeRunSki]

DH has one of these. He is very open about it.

[somerandomfucker]

Jeez he sounds impossible to live with!
Your dc are so blessed to have such a loving & caring mum.
Sadly, I don't think you'd hear the reply you would want, if you said "it's me/dc or the bike"

[SquinkiesRule]

Hope the talk went well. All your updates make him sound worse and worse.

[ROTFLBSST]

Have been thinking of you today OP, I hope you got to speak to DH last night

[AtHomeDadGlos]

How did the talk go?

[mollyminniemo]

OP- I say this as someone married to a MAMIL, has 4 bikes, enters countless races and travels abroad for cycling as well as us trying to plan our holidays in places that offer good cycling.

We have a very firm arrangement- say he does 3/4 hours on a Sat or Sun- once he comes back showers/faffs around cleaning his bike- I then get the same stretch of time, for myself. He'll take the kids out for the afternoon or just be on "watch" for the afternoon/play with them in house/garden while I retire upstairs/or go out and do my thing.

You have to be firm and sit down and address this- he has to ask you before committing to any rides- not assume he can do them. You then need to work out a way to give some time for YOU, on the same or next day. Otherwise you'll get deeply resentful, not to mention knackered- over his immense selfishness his hobby will drive a wedge in your marriage and he'll either end up giving up his hobby completely, or loose you- much better to communicate now and work out compromises- and show he factors you into things.

[notapizzaeater]

Did you have the chat with your DH ?

I can't see any redeeming features at all - bugger what he wants - what do you want ?

[redshoeblueshoe]

148 posts - and not a single one defending your DH.
I hope you are OK - I think you have some very serious thinking to do.

[witchofzog]

How can he say school day trips are non essential? Would he really be happy for his daughter's to probably be the only ones left behind while their friends all go and have a lovely day? And then for them to have to listen to their friends talk about the trip afterwards? All the whole knowing he is spending the money on himself? What an absolute arsehole