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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Hubby's Hobby

173 replies

Giraffelover22 · 30/05/2017 17:41

Evening ladies,not sure if IABU.
Hubby and I have been together nearly 20 years and have 2 children and both work.
Hubby has always cycled to and from work as he has a condition meaning he will never be able to drive,so I am the sole driver in the family.
Lately he has taken to cycling as a hobby with friends,100 mile bike rides every Saturday,he also climbs on a Thursday evening.
His passion now seems to be taking over he went out cycling yesterday,has just text saying he is going out cycling tonight and has a 100 mile ride planned again for this Saturday.
Guess I am just feeling trapped and yearning for my own me time but being the only driver means I am responsible for ferrying kids to clubs,sleepovers,birthdays,camps etc.
A typical week is as follows:
Monday night,no commitments,hubby cycles.
Tuesday-DD1 has tennis,then Brownies until 7:45.
Wednesday-Dd1 Guides 7:30-9 Hubby cycles
Thursday-Dd1 Gym 7-8 Hubby goes climbing 7-11pm
Friday-DD2 Gym 4-5,then every other Friday DD1 youth club 7-9:30
Saturday-Hubby 100 mile ride
Sunday- Girls swimming lessons 10-12
Yes,I could have me time on a Sunday but I consider that our only family time in the week.
The responsibility falls to me to drop off and pick up from the various clubs and this past weekend DD1 has been on camp,so dropped off and picked up and had to make sure I'm around,cannot have a drink in case I need to collect in an emergency.
Two weekends time DD2 is off on Brownie camp,so again will be me dropping off etc.
Although I don't resent him not being able to drive and I knew this within days of us meeting,it can be so restricting at times as it means I am always on call to be somewhere, and he just gets to do his hobbies when he pleases as he has no ties.
Oh and we are going to Wales on holiday,he has now announced he wants to cycle and meet us there,leaving me with a 6 hour journey with the girls.

OP posts:
Chottie · 30/05/2017 18:51

Give him the wrong address in Wales and tell him you'll see him there. Pack his stuff.

^
This

He sounds a very selfish man.

Frouby · 30/05/2017 18:52

Yeah I would tell him to pack his cycling stuff up, get a cycle trailer and keep cycling out of your life.

He doesn't contribute financially, emotionally or practically to you or your family. You would be better off without him.

Have you looked at what you would get without him there? Tax credits and maintaince? I bet you would be better off there as well. Paying 50% of bills isn't all it costs to raise a family.

Ragwort · 30/05/2017 18:53

Why are you paying for him to go on holiday with you, wouldn't it be nicer just to go away with your DDs and leave him to his cycling buddies?

I think it is really healthy to have separate interests and in our household it is probably me that spends more time away from 'family life' than my DH (although my hobbies don't cost anything financially) but your DH's attitude towards money is shocking.

TreeTop7 · 30/05/2017 18:54

The obsessive cycling in the OP was bad enough, but then you mentioned the money situation, and then you referred to his distaste for holidays with his children. By that point I was wondering why you are still married to him. What are his good qualities?

RoomOfRequirement · 30/05/2017 18:55

First of all, you are great, doing all of that on your own.

I feel bad for your poor DC - do they know he doesn't like spending time with them/won't financially support them moreso than basic electric/food? If they aren't old enough yet, I'd be a little concerned they may pick up on it as they're older which could negatively effect them. I won't say leave him - only you know your family circumstances, but I'd be having a very long, serious discussion about his attitude to you and your children

Msqueen33 · 30/05/2017 18:55

What a shit! It seems that most men's default when they don't get their own way is to sulk and generally be a knob.

Why doesn't he drive? He does realise you're a person and not a nanny/housekeeper/childcare provider?!

Motoko · 30/05/2017 18:56

if he doesn't like holidays, leave him at home. You'll enjoy it more if you don't have to deal with his sulks because he's being forced to spend time with the children he made.

And when you come back, tell him to take his precious bike and sling his hook.

(BTW, you said he cycles to work, so his assertion that he'll get fat if he drops some of the hobby cycling, is bollocks.)

Cuppaoftea · 30/05/2017 18:57

Trial separation? Ask him to leave and see if over time he stops taking you all for granted. Feel for you and your girls.

Flowers
Butterymuffin · 30/05/2017 18:57

Have you ever said to him, in conversations about the clubs 'But you buy yourself stuff all the time that's not essential'. What can he possibly say to defend being such a self-centred tightwad?

Msqueen33 · 30/05/2017 18:58

I missed the bit about money! That's shocking. So you have separate finances and pay for the kids bits and he pays for his stuff and hobbies. He frankly sounds like a bloody arsehole.

LittleBeautyBelle · 30/05/2017 19:00

I hadn't read your latest post. I think he might be lying about his vision. It just happens to be "just under" the legal bar for driving. Hmmmm, he has no problem seeing when he is biking though....I don't believe him. He is lazy and selfish and his attitude is really the worst.

After reading your latest, he really seems so awful that you may want to think about getting him totally away from you all which I guess means divorce. He gives nothing, money nor love, he contributes nothing, he is not a husband or father. If you divorce, at least he will be compelled by the courts to pay you family support. Try the two other things first, taking control of his finances and cutting back his expensive time consuming constant luxury hobbies, and if that doesn't work, time to think about divorce. I don't have any advice about that or how to go about the steps with that but it sounds like it may be necessary. Take heart. You deserve a good partner and I hope someday you will have one. Be strong and stand up to him. Do it today. When I read about these awful husbands sometimes, I am amazed. The women seem to be trained to be subservient and allow the husbands to lord it over them to the degree that it is abusive. It is not supposed to be that way!

user1474439326 · 30/05/2017 19:00

The cycling thing is an awkward one as he must feel crap about not being able to drive. My mums husband has epilepsy and has had his licence taken away now and he feels terribly down about it quite often it can be isolating - especially of public transport isn't great in your area, so I get why he prob goes over the top with the bike thing. However the money stuff would bother me more......it would be a deal breaker if he wasn't wanting to share his money with his own kids

I think an ultimatum is in order- good luck x

Dishwashersaurous · 30/05/2017 19:02

The cycling is one thing but the money is truly truly shocking. You need to honestly ask yourself what benefit this man brings to your life

PurplePidjin · 30/05/2017 19:02

You drive 1.5 miles? My 4yo runs 1.2 in under 14 minutes (junior parkrun)!!

You don't have a sport problem you have a selfish twat problem.

Original poster
Giraffelover22 · 30/05/2017 19:03

Thank you ladies,I am going to sit down with him later tonight and just lay it all out on the table.
Have given ultimatums in the past and even gone on holiday,just me and the kids,he soon texts and says how much he misses us.
I think it's just the fact we have been together so long,the thought of being single after 20 years,even though we realistically aren't spending much time together is just a bit scary,plus I worry about the effect on the children but things can't carry on as they are at the moment.

OP posts:
JaneEyre70 · 30/05/2017 19:04

Your poor kids Sad. A dad that puts everything before them. That can be pretty damaging to their self esteem OP. I think you need to make him see how unhappy you are. If he carries on regardless, you have your answer.

BikeRunSki · 30/05/2017 19:04

These threads are nearly always about cyclists. Most of the rest are about runners.

DH and I are both cyclists and we've both had to cut down considerably since we had DC, but we manage. We both used to do far, far more than we do now, but we can't fit it in. That's life with children (and no nearby family). I consider myself lucky if I get out on my bike 2 or 3 times a month. DH too. I try and keep fit for cycling by running (short runs only!).. It's not ideal, but it'll pass. The DH in this situation sounds very selfish with his time and money indeed.

As for new kit - we each have "spending money" after all bills are paid for. We have separate ours gir holidays, kids stuff abd home stuff, as well as bills. What's left is divided between us to spend as we wish and if we want to spend £100 on a seatpost, so be it, but the dc definitely don't go short.

cremedelashite · 30/05/2017 19:05

Good luck op. No way could I put up with that selfishness. I'd begin to hate him. Hope you can turn it around.

ComedyofTerrors · 30/05/2017 19:05

Perhaps you should tell him that you've cancelled him off the holiday as it's not essential that he goes. If he's cycling there, I can't imagine that you'll be seeing that much of him anyway. Sounds like he'll be off on the bike all the time.

I don't understand why his eyesight stops him driving but doesn't stop him riding a bike on the roads

AnyFucker · 30/05/2017 19:06

I don't know any hobby cyclists but they don't sound very decent

No offence Bike Smile

viques · 30/05/2017 19:09

if he has to stay in he can be pretty arsey so it is easier to let him.

I think you need to send man child straight back to his mother and tell her he appears to have developed a fault which must have occurred during manufacture.

Goingtobeawesome · 30/05/2017 19:10

He is a bully. He sulks if he doesn't get his own way and makes a bad atmosphere. Don't give in to that nonsense.

Original poster
Giraffelover22 · 30/05/2017 19:11

It's just because they are busy roads and the late finish for Brownies and Guides,by the time we walk home,especially the 7 year old,who is a bit of a dawdler,would take her 25 minutes,half an hour and The by time she is ready for bed,teeth done,story it's going to be getting on for 8:45ish.
The older one isn't too bad,used to long distance runs,better walking,so walking her back could be an option.
If the weather is nice I do walk them there,it's just on a later finish there is one woody Path from our estate onto the road which is very isolated and I don't always enjoy walking through,but it saves 15 minutes on going right round the other side of the estate on to the main road.
So although I agree 1:5 miles isn't much,it's the route that is sometimes an issue.

OP posts:
YouWhatMate · 30/05/2017 19:11

He's constantly spending money on his own non-essential hobby, but refuses to spend money on his own kids' hobbies? How can you have any respect for a man like that?

And on top of that, he's not interested in spending time with you or them either? Sounds charming.

Clairbel · 30/05/2017 19:11

As an eyesight-related non-driver I would be concerned about road cycling too!
I hope your chat tonight goes well OP - stay calm and be strong.

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