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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu? ... husband's ex and meddling mother?

179 replies

itsabeautifulday1 · 30/05/2017 16:50

Ok, so I probably sound totally unreasonable, but my husband was in a long distance relationship when I met hiim ( that wasn't working) he and I got married and had 2 beautiful baby boys. This was 10 years ago.

Over the years this ex has caused a lot of arguments between us. She had sent messages saying why did our relationship end ?and I miss you. Was it because of sex ( she was very Christian and refused)
I got fed up with the whole thing and sent a message saying basically... move on with your life, move out of your parents home and stop texting a married man with 2 kids.

The thing is the mother of the daughter is now in the war path and trying to get my husband to contact her daughter saying she has struggled all these years and life is short. Can't you talk to her!

My husband says the family did a lot for him and he cares more for the family than her. He wants to go back home a week before us ( school hols are only 2 weeks and he wants 3 with his parents) he hasn't seen his family for a few years, but I feel he would visit his ex and the family he feels he owes a lot to. What do I do?

OP posts:
19lottie82 · 30/05/2017 16:56

No way. Does your DH really think a visit will put a stop to her attempts at contact? It will just encourage her and make things worse.

I think he needs to send a letter to her, and one to her mother basically saying not to contact him again.

shinyredbus · 30/05/2017 16:57

ok - so technically they were together and you were OW?

I can see why the ex is upset and confused - she just wants answers. Why doesnt your husband talk to her - explain why he did what he did (did he cheat on her?) and maybe then she can move on.

Yes - she really shouldn't be texting a married man with two kids, but it does sound like she needs closure. Surely your husband can afford her that? The part about her mother contacting you - its just a mother trying to look out for her daughter, her daughter is hurting. Think about it - her daughter was in a relationship with a man and then suddenly boom - man leaves her for another woman, gets married and has two kids with new woman - this is probably what his ex thought would happen with her and is struggling to get over this.

Your husband sounds like he cares about the family, and i can't really say if he will see ex's family if he goes back - but maybe it could be a good thing and could give his ex the closure she needs to get over him?

Chattymummyhere · 30/05/2017 16:59

Contact needs to be cut completely.

She's hanging on to him all these years later is not healthy. He needs no contact with her or her family. She's clearly not well and that is what her family need to care about not what an ex from years ago does.

lalalalyra · 30/05/2017 16:59

If you have to stop your husband visiting her to prevent a rekindling of their relationship then she isn't your problem.

Why were you the one who had to tell her to back off? Why didn't he tell her?

Chattymummyhere · 30/05/2017 17:01

shiny

It's been 10 years no mentally healthy person would be hanging on to a long distance ex they never even slept with.

The women needs medical help not her ex to say well you know fancied someone else and our relationship wasn't going anywhere.

Original poster
itsabeautifulday1 · 30/05/2017 17:01

The mother sends pictures of her daughter on a regular basis? My husband says he has a strong connection to the family and they did a lot for him. All I think is the mother is angry and trying to stir? If she cared about him, wouldn't she just leave him alone?( I should never have sent a message to her daughter but I was so angry!)

I think they have had a conversation my dh said it was nothing to do with sex but he met his wife and although he can't be there as a husband he will always be there for her. This also made me angry!

OP posts:
twoheaped · 30/05/2017 17:02

It's not as if he's going to be jumping in the sack with her, unless she has renounced her religion.
Maybe him admitting to cheating on her with you will be the slap in the face she needs to move on.

OlennasWimple · 30/05/2017 17:03

He needs to stop sending mixed messages.

Who needs all this drama in their lives? Sounds like an Eastenders plot

Libitina · 30/05/2017 17:06

What cultural background are they from?

witsender · 30/05/2017 17:07

Has he never changed his phone number or email in over 10 years? He needs to block the lot of them.

Seenoevil · 30/05/2017 17:09

Why hasn't he blocked them all? Like years ago!

Original poster
itsabeautifulday1 · 30/05/2017 17:09

He had a conversation with her saying it was over. She kissed one of his best friends and it wasn't really a proper relationship. He said he did up cars with the dad( who he has a lot of respect for)

He was in another country and always rang her but she would never talk?

Literally when we met it was like we knew each other and things happened very quickly.

If he had a strong tie to the family I feel wrong for trying to break that, but she was his girlfriend. I saw her messages she misses him.what good can come of him being in contact.?

OP posts:
HildaOg · 30/05/2017 17:14

Tell him he calls them once more (in front of you) to tell them he is a married man and to fuck off out of his life. Then cut contact altogether. Any attempts at meeting or even responding to an email or call will be met with divorce.

Put your foot down now.

littleshitebing · 30/05/2017 17:14

I think he needs to cut ties with the lot of them. It's not healthy for her or her mother to be holding to something that happened over 10 years ago. Your dh should say no more and block them all

Original poster
itsabeautifulday1 · 30/05/2017 17:15

My dh had a bad relationship with his parents and they took him in. I am being unreasonable I think if I don't let him see them. It's just the comments from the mother saying she has never moved on and is hurting. Basically my husband is going back to his home town a week before and and are 2 boys and I feel very uneasy

OP posts:
Original poster
itsabeautifulday1 · 30/05/2017 17:17

I have told him... the family helped you I understand, but you have a family now and please just talk to them and get on with life. TBH he has friend requested his ex( although not spoken,.. I think!) he talks to the mum and her sister asking how she is?

OP posts:
228agreenend · 30/05/2017 17:18

I think your husband needs to send a strongly worded letter to both ex and her family to stop the letters, photos etc. And then leave the only contact with them to be Christmas cards (with lovely happy family photo to enforce 'happy married man' status.).

You sound like you trust your husband so the three week,holiday should be fine.

Sprinklestar · 30/05/2017 17:20

This sounds so messed up! They were together (but never had sex) 10 years ago! And she still hasn't moved on? What a load of old cobblers! If your DH was friends with the parents prior to his relationship with their DD, maybe a quick cuppa would be the end of the world. But catching up with an ex 10 years on, when she clearly still holds a torch for him? No chance!

HildaOg · 30/05/2017 17:21

No. You do not owe these people anything. You are not required to have them in your marriage. They are disrespecting you and your marriage and children, as is your dh by tolerating this nonsense.

You teach people how to treat you. If you insist on allowing this because he 'owes' them then you may as well just file for divorce now because by the sounds of it they won't stop until little darling has 'her' man and he's indulging them!!!!

Find some self respect and a spine. If your husband loves you then he wouldn't treat you like this. You should come first. These people need to be cut out. If he won't do that then leave him but there is no compromise here. Their agenda is not in your interests.

Sprinklestar · 30/05/2017 17:21

*wouldn't

228agreenend · 30/05/2017 17:21

Just saw your update. I guess the mum hoped that your dh would become her son-in-law, and maybe ex has implied this still could happen.

Willyoujustbequiet · 30/05/2017 17:21

You've got a nerve as the former OW to be annoyed at her texting your DH. Pot kettle?

I'm not surprised you're uneasy about it. He's got form as a cheater.

Original poster
itsabeautifulday1 · 30/05/2017 17:23

I have had this conversation with him many a time. It's the only thing we argue about. He never stops. The dad now has Parkinson's and the mum is saying he needs to visit and the daughter is struggling.

If that was me I would concentrate on my husband and daughter. I just get these really bad vibes when she sends pics saying look how beautiful she looks in this photo.

I am really trying hard not to ring her and tell her to F off!

Calm is the best approach I think and not question my dh. 😞

OP posts:
OnTheRise · 30/05/2017 17:25

It's been ten years. It's way past time for her to move on.

I can understand your husband wanting to see her parents if they took him in and looked after him, but bearing in mind the baggage there, he needs to realise this is a very bad idea.

But it's his problem to solve, not yours. If he won't tell them to leave him alone then he is the issue here, not her.

228agreenend · 30/05/2017 17:27

I'm not sure op was an ow. Yes, she did meet dh when he was still in a relationship, but did he broke it off quickly after meeting op, and when did op know about ex?