Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu? ... husband's ex and meddling mother?

179 replies

itsabeautifulday1 · 30/05/2017 16:50

Ok, so I probably sound totally unreasonable, but my husband was in a long distance relationship when I met hiim ( that wasn't working) he and I got married and had 2 beautiful baby boys. This was 10 years ago.

Over the years this ex has caused a lot of arguments between us. She had sent messages saying why did our relationship end ?and I miss you. Was it because of sex ( she was very Christian and refused)
I got fed up with the whole thing and sent a message saying basically... move on with your life, move out of your parents home and stop texting a married man with 2 kids.

The thing is the mother of the daughter is now in the war path and trying to get my husband to contact her daughter saying she has struggled all these years and life is short. Can't you talk to her!

My husband says the family did a lot for him and he cares more for the family than her. He wants to go back home a week before us ( school hols are only 2 weeks and he wants 3 with his parents) he hasn't seen his family for a few years, but I feel he would visit his ex and the family he feels he owes a lot to. What do I do?

OP posts:
Original poster
itsabeautifulday1 · 30/05/2017 17:29

The mum said she would never meet anyone now?

She does say you are the son you I never had.

I have her email and number and really want to tell her to stop now!

My last message was sent to the daughter and was really bad:-

Stop texting a married man with 2 kids.

Stop being upset that he chose me not you.

Make a life for yourself and stop living with mummy and daddy you are in your 30's

Just stop and find your own life and you'll be fine.

I hate myself for sending that. Now I am just staying silent 😞

OP posts:
InvisibleKittenAttack · 30/05/2017 17:30

Iit's probably then he rather likes having a "plan B" option, or likes being wanted and causing you to feel like he could leave you easily if he wanted to.

If that wasnt the case, he'd be telling her "I split up with you because I met itsabeautifulday and fell in love. I'm very happy and could never be this happy with you or any other woman, I would like you to stop contacting me." He's definately enjoying the drama and being "a catch".

Sunshinegirls · 30/05/2017 17:31

You say things happened quickly when you met your DH, does this mean you got pregnant very quickly? Is it possible that he has held a flame for his ex all these years and stayed with you because of your DC's? I ask because it sounds like it's not just his ex who hasn't moved on.

HildaOg · 30/05/2017 17:31

I don't think calm is the best approach. People disrespect you because they see you as a weak person who will take it.

If it was me he'd be told to tell them to go fuck themselves or divorce and they'd be getting an earful from me too.

Weakness is not strength. It's weakness. They're making a fool out of you and passively accepting it until he leaves you for her (he's playing along with them against you so....) isn't going to benefit you in any way.

Kick him out or put the boundaries around your marriage now. Don't be a victim of circumstance. Take control.

FrancisCrawford · 30/05/2017 17:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Oldraver · 30/05/2017 17:36

The part about her mother contacting you - its just a mother trying to look out for her daughter, her daughter is hurting

A decent mother would tell her daughter to grow the fuck up and move on...it's been 10 years fgs. Instead she is feeding her daughters drama

I'm afraid I would of lost patients by now and would definitly be giving out some fuck offs...Your DH is spineless as well

Original poster
itsabeautifulday1 · 30/05/2017 17:37

They never had a sexual of loving relationship according to my dh. His friends told me he'd ring and she'd just ignor his calls and wasn't interestied, they had nothing in common. He just saw the dad as a father figure he never had. So I feel like a cow if I deny that.

OP posts:
GrimDamnFanjo · 30/05/2017 17:39

Your DH sounds like he is just as much of a problem tbh. I really feel sad for the ex as she sounds like she has a lot of unhappiness and she is wishing her life away on something that has not happened. Keeping in touch with her family is not helping them to move on. If he'd made a clean break years ago this wouldn't still be going on.
Is there anyone els who can gently persuade him to cut ties?

lalalalyra · 30/05/2017 17:39

TBH he has friend requested his ex( although not spoken,.. I think!) he talks to the mum and her sister asking how she is?

So it's not just one sided then...

Why is your husband contacting them to ask how she is?

He's stoking the fire of this. You need to forget about them - he is your problem. He needs to decide if he's getting in contact with them or if he's not. Then once he decides then you can decide if his choice is acceptable to you.

Original poster
itsabeautifulday1 · 30/05/2017 17:40

We got married and I was pregnant on our honey moon btw☺️

OP posts:
PyongyangKipperbang · 30/05/2017 17:42

Why cant you all go to see them then?

Surely if they care for him they will be happy to meet his wife and children?

I would want that to be a condition of visiting tbh.

Jaxhog · 30/05/2017 17:45

It's been 10 years!!!!!! High time he broke off contact altogether. But he should be doing this, not you.

Original poster
itsabeautifulday1 · 30/05/2017 17:45

The mother doesn't ask about his wife or kids. All visiting not an option 😞

OP posts:
Original poster
itsabeautifulday1 · 30/05/2017 17:47

I am seriously thinking of sending the mother a message. Her husband is ill, her daughter depressed. That would be wrong ?!

OP posts:
BluePeppers · 30/05/2017 17:48

I think that both for yoiu and for his ex and ex's mum, it would be better fi you were going to see them together with your two dcs.
They all need to realise that he has moved on and there is no going back.
Also being there with him and with the dcs around will probably avoid guilt tripping etc... from the mum that he would probably get going on his own.

Greyponcho · 30/05/2017 17:51

TBH, sounds like it's her mother that hasn't moved on from 'losing' someone they saw as a son.
Her family need to get a grip and accept he's no longer part of their lives.

Justaboy · 30/05/2017 17:51

They sound like a right bunch of weirdos, best to stop replying to them a simple F off is all they deserve and your other half ought to man up and sort it all!.

Original poster
itsabeautifulday1 · 30/05/2017 17:51

It's awkward now as I sent a message to the ex saying back off ets😬

OP posts:
Sugarformyhoney · 30/05/2017 17:52

Your husband needs to grow a pair of bollocsld mate

Original poster
itsabeautifulday1 · 30/05/2017 17:57

Husband ...he is adamant he is going a week before i and our 2 boys.i won't take them out of school early.😭

I just wish he could see the mum for who she is? It's not even the daughter she is leaving it now?

OP posts:
228agreenend · 30/05/2017 17:57

Good idea going to see them en masse. It seems a good solution. Dh gets to see the family which mean a lot to him. Ex gets to see you as a family?

How long were dh and ex together? Did he date her bcause he was expected to as he was close,to,the family?

HildaOg · 30/05/2017 18:00

Tell him to pack his bags and move in with them so. Tell him you want a divorce.

He'll either leave because he doesn't love you or he'll cut them out if he does love you.

Don't let him tell you that these people are going to be in your marriage.

Gazelda · 30/05/2017 18:01

Surely he can't argue with you if you say you want to meet the family who have made him the man he is?
He gets to see them, they get to see him with his family. That should be closure for everyone and then Contact should cease except for polite Christmas cards.
If I understand correctly, he hasn't seen them for 10 years, so the Dad has long ceased to be a father figure.
If he respects you as his wife, and respects his ex's mental health, then he needs to wise up and cut the contact.

Original poster
itsabeautifulday1 · 30/05/2017 18:02

They dated in school and have nothing in common. He really admires the dad and is worried about him. Why isn't the mum concentrating on that relationship rather than her daughters? So confused?!

OP posts:
Only1scoop · 30/05/2017 18:02

How odd