Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu? ... husband's ex and meddling mother?

179 replies

itsabeautifulday1 · 30/05/2017 16:50

Ok, so I probably sound totally unreasonable, but my husband was in a long distance relationship when I met hiim ( that wasn't working) he and I got married and had 2 beautiful baby boys. This was 10 years ago.

Over the years this ex has caused a lot of arguments between us. She had sent messages saying why did our relationship end ?and I miss you. Was it because of sex ( she was very Christian and refused)
I got fed up with the whole thing and sent a message saying basically... move on with your life, move out of your parents home and stop texting a married man with 2 kids.

The thing is the mother of the daughter is now in the war path and trying to get my husband to contact her daughter saying she has struggled all these years and life is short. Can't you talk to her!

My husband says the family did a lot for him and he cares more for the family than her. He wants to go back home a week before us ( school hols are only 2 weeks and he wants 3 with his parents) he hasn't seen his family for a few years, but I feel he would visit his ex and the family he feels he owes a lot to. What do I do?

OP posts:
MrsSthe3rd · 31/05/2017 16:27

And you do absolutely need Women's aid.

Original poster
itsabeautifulday1 · 31/05/2017 16:29

Yes it did get him a visa. It was a struggle( they thought our marriage was fake) he said he didn't care where we lived though?

His temper is truly horrid. But when things are good they are really good.

He says he left everything for me and I treat him like shit.

OP posts:
FrancisCrawford · 31/05/2017 16:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Chattymummyhere · 31/05/2017 16:33

Well of course Bebe like say hi we didn't think care where you lived. You would hardly marry a person who you know needs a visa and only wants to live in the U.K. When they have a gf back home and you've not been together long.

Does he have perminant residency now?

Eaither way it doesn't matter now you need to get you and your children out of such a toxic environment. Nobody should be living in a house where one partner doesn't speak to the other for days because of a disagreement. You're children are growing up thinking this is normal.

Original poster
itsabeautifulday1 · 31/05/2017 16:33

The mother hasn't mentioned anything to me?they all seem a normal loving family?

This only came out after the text message episode?

OP posts:
Chattymummyhere · 31/05/2017 16:34

God knows what happened to my first sentence.

Well of course he would say he didn't care where you lived

OlennasWimple · 31/05/2017 16:34

blimey, OP, the stuff with his ex is just a symptom of a bigger problem in your marriage.

FrancisCrawford · 31/05/2017 16:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Chattymummyhere · 31/05/2017 16:35

Does the ex gf happen to have a much much younger sister?

Original poster
itsabeautifulday1 · 31/05/2017 16:36

I'm not the one not speaking. I will always try to make the house seem happy and fun and try not to create a mood. My children are my no1.

My husband says I'm his no1?

OP posts:
MrsSthe3rd · 31/05/2017 16:38

Please please call somebody for advice, help & support. This is clearly abusive.

You and your children deserve so much better than this horrendous situation. Your poor children will think toxicity is a normal part of life.

It's up to you to break this cycle.

Original poster
itsabeautifulday1 · 31/05/2017 16:39

I think the sister is older? Her first husband died, her second marriage failed and now she thinks she's a lesbian, but the mum read her diary so now she wants to come and live with my husband?!!!

OP posts:
londonrach · 31/05/2017 16:44

You sure your husband isnt continuing this as 10 years is a vvvvvvvvv long time. Theres either something going on or his ex has a massive problem. All contact should be stopped.

Original poster
itsabeautifulday1 · 31/05/2017 16:49

She is in another country, so nothing is going on? Maybe emotionally?

OP posts:
Chattymummyhere · 31/05/2017 17:13

So for some reason him and her have a very strong bond despite being apart, how often does he go back home?

There is a reason they are that incontact still and care so much you just don't know why.

It also sounds unlikely that his mum was shot by his dad on purpose yet are now a lovely family. Your being fed a line.

You need to get your children out of this terrible set up before it does too much damage.

Original poster
itsabeautifulday1 · 31/05/2017 17:24

He doesn't go back often every couple or 4 years, but we are with him.

OP posts:
Original poster
itsabeautifulday1 · 31/05/2017 18:10

Just wanted to say children are very happy. They are eating a homemade shepherds pie ( one of their favourite requested meals) and will make ice cream soon with different toppings and watch a movie. Feel so bad for them , but they are so happy and hope nonethewiser?! They are very tired from a long dog walk/cycling session.

When over half gets in I hope to have them in bed after reading puppet story books?!! Makes them very hyper! But they laugh so much!

Eveyone has had bad things that have happened to them in childhood and now. We cannot be determined by them.

My job as a mum is to make sure my children feel happy and safe. I hope I'm succeeding.

Everyone had problems. Take one day at at time and believe everything will work out. Xxx

OP posts:
Chattymummyhere · 31/05/2017 20:29

BUt they will be picking up on the atmosphere between you and their dad. It's been said time and time how our parents relationships shape how we view relationships and what we deem as normal.

buttfacedmiscreant · 31/05/2017 20:42

If your daughter met a man and said she loved him but that when he was angry he punched and threw things and she was scared of him what would you tell her? Would you think that was a good relationship worth saving? What if the man was having intimate conversations with another woman and blamed your daughter? Would you advise her to marry him/stay with him?

buttfacedmiscreant · 31/05/2017 20:44

Your children are learning that all of this is normal. That it is normal to be married to someone that scares them.

LeMesmer · 31/05/2017 23:58

But, to be brutal, you are not making sure they are happy. They will remember parents who fought at best, at worst they will think this is a 'normal' happy marriage. This is not your fault, but it is possible you do have the power to change this.

Mammylamb · 01/06/2017 07:42

Thinking the messages accusing OP of being the other one woman are really quite odd. The relationship with the ex sounds like a very childlike relationship; more childhood sweethearts than a proper grown up relationship. I wouldn't really use the term "OW" unless they were in a long term proper relationship at the time. I'm not referring to whether or not he had sex with the ex or not in whether it was a grown up relationship or not; it's not always the same thing (I've had sex with men who I've not been in a relationship with and also been in a relationship without sex)

MissShittyBennet · 01/06/2017 08:24

Sounds like you won yourself a real prince there OP.

And no, of course you can't stop all contact. Not your decision. It's a free country and he can speak to or email whoever he likes. On a practical level, even if he agreed, you'd have no way of knowing if eg he opened up a new social media or email account to contact them and used it just at work, would you? If he won't place your wishes above his desire to keep in contact with them, which it sounds like he won't, then the only decision for you to make is whether to put up with it or not.

Personally I think they all sound batshit and there's not a chance in hell I'd have had a second DC with him after he pulled that stunt with the first. So I certainly wouldn't be still here now. But that's me.

MrsSthe3rd · 01/06/2017 08:34

I just want to clarify, none of this is your fault, OP. However, there is only you who can change the situation.

Please don't be naive enough to think your kids are happy and they don't see or hear things. They absolutely will. And I promise you that this will lead to mental health issues.

IdaDown · 01/06/2017 08:53

I apologise for asking this but several things jump out.

  • does DH have permanent right to stay without being married to you?

He was in a relationship for 10 yrs - that's longer than a lot of marriages.
Could he have religiously married her?
Could he be waiting for permanent right to stay?
Or did he just want to be in the U.K. more than being with her and now has regrets.

I know someone this happened to. NZ girl with right to stay in U.K. and her scummy cheating long term NZ boyfriend with no right to stay.

Swipe left for the next trending thread