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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Aibu? ... husband's ex and meddling mother?

179 replies

itsabeautifulday1 · 30/05/2017 16:50

Ok, so I probably sound totally unreasonable, but my husband was in a long distance relationship when I met hiim ( that wasn't working) he and I got married and had 2 beautiful baby boys. This was 10 years ago.

Over the years this ex has caused a lot of arguments between us. She had sent messages saying why did our relationship end ?and I miss you. Was it because of sex ( she was very Christian and refused)
I got fed up with the whole thing and sent a message saying basically... move on with your life, move out of your parents home and stop texting a married man with 2 kids.

The thing is the mother of the daughter is now in the war path and trying to get my husband to contact her daughter saying she has struggled all these years and life is short. Can't you talk to her!

My husband says the family did a lot for him and he cares more for the family than her. He wants to go back home a week before us ( school hols are only 2 weeks and he wants 3 with his parents) he hasn't seen his family for a few years, but I feel he would visit his ex and the family he feels he owes a lot to. What do I do?

OP posts:

Chattymummyhere · 30/05/2017 21:13

So his on the defensive. I think that tells you everything about how he really sees you vs them.

A normal person who wasn't overinvested in his ex and their family would talk and offer compromise, a man who is over invested possibly more than you know with the ex and family will say you are the problem to avoid him looking bad and admitting his issues/the truth. Just like cheaters.

twisterinyogapants · 30/05/2017 21:32

This is so odd. What would happen if she wanted to be with him and would forget her religion ( sleep with him) . I would tell him he is taking the piss massively going there the week before. How much holiday does he get ?
Would he be with her if she put out ?

Boomcack · 30/05/2017 21:40

I'm sorry but this situation is your husbands doing. He never cut the contact fully but continued to maintain the relationships as normal. Therefore his ex and her parents have never moved on. Once he established a new relationship with you, he should have withdrawn from these relationships over time. I agree with other posters his lack of boundaries have sent mixed messages. Maybe he likes the attention but it my opinion it's weird

Greyponcho · 31/05/2017 11:27

Maybe ask him what benefit there is to either side in sustaining a relationship with that family? Surely, if he hasn't been in contact with them for ~10 years then they aren't that close?

Chloe84 · 31/05/2017 11:39

in the words of Xtina Aguilera:

They say if you love something, let it go
If it comes back, it's yours. That's how you knooooow

Original poster

itsabeautifulday1 · 31/05/2017 11:45

I have told him how it makes me feel. We are now not talking. He says I have a problem and that he is not doing anything wrong..
This is the only thing we argue about and I'm not wanting an argument. I only want to voice how this makes me feel.
Not really sure what to do now?

OP posts:

Original poster

itsabeautifulday1 · 31/05/2017 11:47

He says he is going a week early to spend time with his real family but I know he will see the other family when there.

The mum is saying the dad and daughter are ill. He says he will get on a plane if he needs them to. They also have another daughter who messages him constantly asking to come and stay with him?! Ahhh

OP posts:

HildaOg · 31/05/2017 11:59

Why deal with this drama? He's not prioritising you and your children. He doesn't care about your feelings. Or your marriage.

Pack his bags, tell him to go to them and not come back. Tell him you will be filing for divorce ASAP.

He'll either go and not look back in which case you're better off without him.

Or, if he does love you, he'll cut them out and not go.

There's no point telling him how you feel again. He doesn't care because he believes he can treat you like shit and you will stay there taking it.

NellieFiveBellies · 31/05/2017 12:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

InvisibleKittenAttack · 31/05/2017 13:02

Agree that he clearly cares more about them than you.

Telling you that you're crazy for not wanting him to spend time alone with a woman who has made it clear she wants to have an affair with him, is not the act of a loving man. "you are crazy" is the defense of a man who has decided his wife doesn't have a right to feelings that complicate his life.

She wants to have an affair with him. Her parents want him to dump his wife and DCs and get back together with their daughter. These people are a threat to your marriage because they have been quite clear they do not want your marriage to continue.

But rather than working out how to explain to them that he is not interested, or distancing himself. Or thinking about how he can show them he's happy with you (by seeing them with you and the children), he's working out how he can see them without you being there and telling you that you are the one in the wrong for thinking his priority should be your feelings not theirs.

Original poster

itsabeautifulday1 · 31/05/2017 13:18

I'm not strong enough to tell him to pack his bag and would hate the effect this would have on the kids.

I once told his real mum that this was really effecting me and she said they were a messed up family and the mum is a nasty piece of work. She said that she would talk to the woman and to him? I don't know if she has done this... it obviously hasn't worked if she has? Don't know whether to ask her? Probably not today as it's her birthday!!

The woman never asked about us. She sends pictures of her daughter holding babies!!! As if to say look what a good mother she'd be! She keeps saying my beautiful daughter this and my beautiful daughter that. She once sent him pictures saying look my daughter kept these photos of you in her passport all these years!

I literally was so close to sending her a ranting email last night, but I think she would feel she's won😩

OP posts:

FrancisCrawford · 31/05/2017 13:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

itsabeautifulday1 · 31/05/2017 13:25

When my first child was born my husband woke up from a nightmare saying he dreamt of his ex and she was covered in blood. He then sent her a message saying sorry would you mind if I call you. I know it's been years but I have a nightmare that you were covered in blood and I feel I needed to be there to protect you, but I cant. She said maybe you had the dream because I'm not ok etc and I miss you and not getting on with my boyfriend. He said although I can't be there for you as a partner I will always be there.

Whole thing makes me feel ill.

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indigox · 31/05/2017 13:29

He's putting their feelings before yours and being derogatory towards you in the process. Speaks volumes.

As far as the mother goes, she sounds bat shit crazy and he's enabling it.

Cuppaoftea · 31/05/2017 13:41

I'd tell him he can go on his own for the whole trip, you and the boys won't be joining him at all.

Sounds to me like he enjoys having this fantasy thing going with her on the side.

Make it real to him. This is how it will feel if you are living away from me and the boys in another country. Messing around with her means divorce and you'll have to deal with the reality of that.

Him spending time with her may be no bad thing. People change, she'll be a different person 10 years on. He's hankering after who she was.

thenightsky · 31/05/2017 14:01

So he got back in touch with her on the basis of a dream? Un-fucking-real! They sound like teenagers hooked on drama.

Poor you OP

Original poster

itsabeautifulday1 · 31/05/2017 14:09

He promised he wouldn't contact her.

Just seen a LinkedIn message he has deleted- asking how her dad is and hoping she ok😐

OP posts:

WellThatSucks · 31/05/2017 14:12

Your DH is a massive self-absorbed Dick. He's loving the fact this needy woman with clear self-esteem issues is so hung up on him, he doesn't really want her but he damned sure doesn't want her to stop wanting him and has strung along her for years under the pretext of 'concern' throwing her crumbs of attention - I dreamed about you when my wife had just given birth wtf??!! - to keep her on the hook instead of doing the decent thing and cutting her off. He's also loving the fact that you are jealous and fighting for him and is playing you both against each other so he can continue to enjoy the ego-stroking. It's quite probable he'll somehow end up sleeping with this poor woman during his week there alone and the excuse will be he felt sorry for her. Your problem isn't with this woman or her mother, who is rightly concerned for the mental and emotional wellbeing of her daughter, it's with your twat of a DH. Bin him.

Roomster101 · 31/05/2017 14:14

He is obviously stringing her along to make himself feel good and boost his ego. I bet he is really enjoying the thought that two women love him. I think you need to crush his ego a bit i.e. tell him to fuck off.

buttfacedmiscreant · 31/05/2017 14:15

You do not have a problem with this family, you have a problem with your husband. He clearly doesn't understand "leaving and cleaving".

Suggest you enlist professional help.

This would be a deal breaker for me.

buttfacedmiscreant · 31/05/2017 14:16

really sounds like he is having an emotional affair with her and her family. He wants his cake and eat it.

NellieFiveBellies · 31/05/2017 14:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GotToGetMyFingerOut · 31/05/2017 14:27

Sounds like the only reason hes not with her is because of the distance.

MrsSthe3rd · 31/05/2017 14:59

I think you need to start detaching from this 'man'. Act cool and like you don't care what he's doing - that should also tell you something too.

He's clearly showing you who comes first.

I don't mean to sound harsh, but you've asked for advice and I'm not sure if you're actually willing to do anything about the situation.

You come across as too scared to give him an ultimatum as you know the choice he'd make.

You're either going to have to put up with the situation as it stands and keep quiet or say something and risk change.

for you.

Original poster

itsabeautifulday1 · 31/05/2017 15:11

I'm actually afraid to tell him anything as he has a bad temper. Something the family don't see. By that I mean he throws and punches things.

I wanted advice to see if Anyone thought I might be over reacting. I sometimes think I'm going mad.

I gave him an altermatum last time and he promised not to contact again. I deleted numbers and blocked numbers but then he can always contact via Facebook and LinkedIn. He will just say he has to talk to them as the dad is really ill with Parkinson's and the daughter also ill.

I don't understand the LinkedIn message to the ex though? He can find out how the dad is via the mum? Also he will say things like I messaged her or friend requested because I was angry at you after an argument.

Should I tell him I've seen the deleted LinkedIn message?

OP posts:

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