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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu? ... husband's ex and meddling mother?

179 replies

itsabeautifulday1 · 30/05/2017 16:50

Ok, so I probably sound totally unreasonable, but my husband was in a long distance relationship when I met hiim ( that wasn't working) he and I got married and had 2 beautiful baby boys. This was 10 years ago.

Over the years this ex has caused a lot of arguments between us. She had sent messages saying why did our relationship end ?and I miss you. Was it because of sex ( she was very Christian and refused)
I got fed up with the whole thing and sent a message saying basically... move on with your life, move out of your parents home and stop texting a married man with 2 kids.

The thing is the mother of the daughter is now in the war path and trying to get my husband to contact her daughter saying she has struggled all these years and life is short. Can't you talk to her!

My husband says the family did a lot for him and he cares more for the family than her. He wants to go back home a week before us ( school hols are only 2 weeks and he wants 3 with his parents) he hasn't seen his family for a few years, but I feel he would visit his ex and the family he feels he owes a lot to. What do I do?

OP posts:
Inertia · 01/06/2017 09:03

Given that you were the OW originally, you must already know that you have married a man who has no sense of loyalty, so it's unrealistic to expect that he will remain faithful to you.

It sounds like he's kept this woman dangling with notions of her and him being soulmates - perhaps he even believes it himself. I expect he's told them all that he only married you because you were pregnant.

If your husband were genuinely committed to you and your family, he would willingly have cuts contact long ago.

MissShittyBennet · 01/06/2017 11:20

I'm horribly afraid inertia is right.

Original poster
itsabeautifulday1 · 01/06/2017 16:34

I told him last night that maybe he should just go on the holiday by himself. He said fine but would takes the kids. I told him no as they can't miss school. He said fine he wouldn't go. However when he got in from work he did his voice raising thing and took my car keys, locked the doors etc. He wanted to wake the boys and tell them that mummy was a bad personal. I said leave them alone. I struggled so much with him to stop him going upstairs that I am covered head to toe in bruises. I even scatched his back with my nails ( I was so enraged and trying to stop him with everything in me) he did wake them up and had them sobbing. I feel so helpless. He said he will take them and I will have nothing. He will stop payment on the car so I cannot drive them to school or anywhere. He said my parents hate me, I'm an unfit mother and said I can be another mans whore.

I did not sleep. I feel like vomiting. I made sure the kids had a beautiful day out today and spoke to them trying to reassure them.

I feel like the worst person in the world. I have nobody apart from him, I don't work, the kids just want is to get on.

I have no energy for anything. I just want to do the best for them but literally don't know how. Placating him is the only way

OP posts:
MissShittyBennet · 01/06/2017 16:42

You're not am unfit mother and my arse is he going to take them. If you're worried about him taking them back to his country, you can get a court order and their passports stopped.

InvisibleKittenAttack · 01/06/2017 16:43

Forget the holiday - forget her.

Call woman's aid - 0808 2000 247.

You are in an abusive marriage. Of course he'll say that everyone hates you, but Im sure it's not true, he just wants you to think you have no choice. Get through this half term. Then start to plan. You cant live like this.

Call WA when you are safe to do so. Start a plan.

Do you know where the DCs birth certificates and passports are? First step would be to get them to a safe place. Copies of other documents as well would be useful.

Agree for now with what he says to keep the peace while you plan an escape route. Do you get on at all with your parents? Do you really have noone other than him? Is that because of his behaviour to isolate you? Please call WA and see if you can find a way through.

Your DCs were scared by him, he didn't care he was upsetting them to hurt you - that's dangerous situation that he doesn't care about them as long as you are hurt and controlled.

(And he can say anything he likes, but he can't just stop paying for the car if he has a credit agreement on it, he can't just take the DCs out of the country without your permission)

Chattymummyhere · 01/06/2017 16:43

You need to get to women's aid.

They will help you and your children.

Original poster
itsabeautifulday1 · 01/06/2017 16:48

He is trying to make me sound bad infront of them. I say nothing of the sort to them. I just say it's ok nothing bad is going to happen, everything is going to be alright, please don't worry. This will not keep happening.

He shouts that yes it is bad I'm a bad person and I'm causing it.

He laughs when they come to him saying look that shows everything. All I can do is nothing. Just say it's all ok.

My oldest tries to comfort the younger at and says mummy please stop. My heart is broken. How could I be letting this happen?

I have hidden their passports

OP posts:
Goingtobeawesome · 01/06/2017 16:50

I think you were very unkind to say she shouldn't be living with her parents. No need for that.

Whatever is going on with his ex and her mother they are obviously upset and you could be kind not bitchy.

If he wants to talk to them that is up to him. He married you and is caring towards his exes parents. Nothing wrong with that.

Original poster
itsabeautifulday1 · 01/06/2017 16:55

They will be so traumatised if I take them out of their home away from their pets.

Btw we have a large puppy ( he bought and I didn't want) and the dog went for him last night. The puppy is also suffering today. Poor thing. I love that dog now and couldn't leave him or take the kids away from him.

He is on a large salary. I have nothing. He can give them a better qualitiy if life.

If I was to leave him he would make it so nasty

OP posts:
Goingtobeawesome · 01/06/2017 16:58

Well. I didn't refresh or read the whole thing. My mistake. This is all kind of mixed up and I'd be concentrating on dealing with being married to a controlling bully and not thinking about his ex and her family.

What do you want to do now?

Original poster
itsabeautifulday1 · 01/06/2017 17:00

That's ok.

I said worse than than anyway- I said get a life, get a personal trainer,, get a stylist, stop texting other people's husbands, start living your own life.

I don't know what to do? The boys would be devastated if I took them away and would hate me. He is not abusive to them.

I wish I had a magic wand

OP posts:
Goingtobeawesome · 01/06/2017 17:03

He is abusive to them as he's abusive to their mum and showing them his version of a marriage.

Original poster
itsabeautifulday1 · 01/06/2017 17:07

He says he does everything for me and I just take and take. He puts me infront of the kids and I put them infront of him- why wouldn't I they are children.

He wants people to be happy all the time and when they aren't he snaps.

When I was miscarriying he said what the f&@£ is wrong with you I want a divorce.

Then he says I love you more than anything and will never divorce as I made a promise and will stick to it.

OP posts:
Original poster
itsabeautifulday1 · 01/06/2017 17:14

Also, I sent an apology straight after the text I sent.

Saying as a mother I am so glad you took him in. I wasn't thinking and I'm sorry. I put 2 and 2 together and made five.

They did not reply and I did not expect that.

It is a truly messed up situation

OP posts:
buttfacedmiscreant · 01/06/2017 18:54

he took your keys and threatened to take your kids and called you "another man's whore" and you think your boys are better off staying with him???

You are raising boys to think that that is how a father and husband should act.

MrsSthe3rd · 01/06/2017 19:20

I'm extremely worried for you and your DS's safety.

Have you managed to contact anyone yet?

Your H is abusive and is manipulating you all. You are none of those things he is saying about you.

Please don't concentrate on the situation with these people. Start to plan your exit strategy.

CouldntMakeThisShitUp · 01/06/2017 19:32

This is what i see - he used you to get a visa and permanent stay in the UK.
Of course he told you he would happily live anywhere with you - he knew full well you wouldn't move abroad. Plus it would ruin his chances of getting a UK visa.

He lied to you about the 'she would never speak to me on the phone' and the nature of their relationship.
He most likely DID have sex with her unless those naked photos were of another woman.
He has remained in an emotional relationship with her throughout your marriage - possibly been having a long distance affair with her in some form.
How often has he holidayed there without you?

He's always had strong feelings for her but she couldn't give him what he needed - a visa to stay in the UK.
He doesn't care about your marriage because he has what he needed - he could bring her over here now and sponsor her visa.
(That's probably what all the talk about the 'sister' moving was really about)

I'm not surprised the family haven't stopped their behavior, it's probably part of their plan - give dh the excuse he needs to leave his 'unreasonable/bad' wife and bring his ex over.

For yours and especially your dc sake - leave this man.
You've been fooled and controlled by him for too long - and do not allow him to take your dc abroad anywhere until you've got things sorted legally.

Chloe84 · 01/06/2017 19:43

He wanted to wake the boys and tell them that mummy was a bad personal. I said leave them alone. I struggled so much with him to stop him going upstairs that I am covered head to toe in bruises. I even scatched his back with my nails ( I was so enraged and trying to stop him with everything in me) he did wake them up and had them sobbing.

But the above behaviour is abusive to the boys. And it's extremely abusive to you. They hear things and they will remember and it will have an effect on them. They know their homelife is not safe. It will just get worse. Please leave him.

PeaFaceMcgee · 01/06/2017 19:55

Please please please consider that a happy loving home with one parent is worth so much more than this ridiculous excuse for a life.

I grew up in an abusive home and really wish my mother had been brave enough to get rid. Nothing is more important than children growing up free from fear and anxiety.

Please do call Women's Aid for just a chat - nothing more x

twisterinyogapants · 01/06/2017 23:15

How close is he too your family?i don't think he is worth fighting for. Tell your family the truth and get help.

picklemepopcorn · 02/06/2017 07:03

This is terrible! I'm so sorry. Can you get advice from CAB? Women's Aid? He's controlling, abusive, violent. Well done for hiding passports.

Original poster
itsabeautifulday1 · 02/06/2017 08:41

All I could do is try to get away I have no money no job.

I could get him named from the house but he would stop paying for everything.

How would I get the kids to school etc

I just don't know what to,

Just trying not to cry infront of my boys

OP posts:
MrsSthe3rd · 02/06/2017 09:22

You're very strong to hold all this in and not show the children how much you're hurting.

Please call women's aid - they will advise and support you. And they'll be in a better position to help when you tell them more details.

Inertia · 02/06/2017 09:33

I'm so sorry it's turned out like this. Please do call Women's aid for advice,and please call the police if he becomes threatening again. To he honest, if he has threatened to take the children to his own country you might need to ring them anyway.

coconutpie · 02/06/2017 09:42

Better to have less money than stay in an abusive marriage. He will have to pay maintenance etc and you will get a divorce settlement. Do not stay in an abusive marriage because you think it's better for your DC - it's not. They will also suffer from the abuse because they will see their father treating their mother so terribly. Call Woman's Aid, if you feel up to it go to your GP or the police station to report your bruises and make a statement. He will not be able to take your DC away.

And do not under any circumstances allow your DC abroad with him. If you do, they'll probably never be allowed back to you.