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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu? ... husband's ex and meddling mother?

179 replies

itsabeautifulday1 · 30/05/2017 16:50

Ok, so I probably sound totally unreasonable, but my husband was in a long distance relationship when I met hiim ( that wasn't working) he and I got married and had 2 beautiful baby boys. This was 10 years ago.

Over the years this ex has caused a lot of arguments between us. She had sent messages saying why did our relationship end ?and I miss you. Was it because of sex ( she was very Christian and refused)
I got fed up with the whole thing and sent a message saying basically... move on with your life, move out of your parents home and stop texting a married man with 2 kids.

The thing is the mother of the daughter is now in the war path and trying to get my husband to contact her daughter saying she has struggled all these years and life is short. Can't you talk to her!

My husband says the family did a lot for him and he cares more for the family than her. He wants to go back home a week before us ( school hols are only 2 weeks and he wants 3 with his parents) he hasn't seen his family for a few years, but I feel he would visit his ex and the family he feels he owes a lot to. What do I do?

OP posts:
indigox · 31/05/2017 15:14

Also he will say things like I messaged her or friend requested because I was angry at you after an argument.

He's truly pathetic isn't he?

Original poster
itsabeautifulday1 · 31/05/2017 15:19

Also this is probably a vital piece of info

He told me that his dad used him as a punchbag due to wrong medication he was taking and that he shot his mum? Then the family took him in. His mum is fine btw.

Can I really stop all contact. I accepted it when he was talking to just the mum, but the mum seems hellbent on causing problems. She obviously knows I read his messages and writes in English to him (not their first Language)

The real mum takes anti depressants and when she came to visit she kept leaving them lying around. I kept licking them in her suitcase and in a cabinet and asked her many times to be careful. One day my 3 year old came downstairs and said he swallowed a small blue sweet. I said show me. She'd left them out on his bedside table. I went berserk and shouted at her. Called nhs etc. It was horrible. I feel like I don't want to go to see them tbh

OP posts:
DoloresTheRunawayTrain · 31/05/2017 15:26

That really changes everything imo.
This is a surrogate family for him, an idealised version of his own. If you had put in your OP that they took him in and protected him from his own deadbeat family, you would have had some very different responses.
It doesn't change him being an arse and contacting the daughter out of spite when he argues with you and it doesn't change his temperament and arsehole tendancies.
It is however unreasonable in light of this new information to expect him to cut them out of his life. It looked weird when it was an ex's long distant relationships family trying to keep in touch. A foster family who took him in when he most needed it and he just happened to have a long distance relationship with the daughter, is totally different.

Original poster
itsabeautifulday1 · 31/05/2017 15:29

I never used to read his messages. I saw the first one when his phone was in the kitchen. I was making him a birthday breakfast and I saw happy birthday I miss you? I picked it up and saw all the messages between the ex etc. Now I'm paranoid private detective retrieving deleted messages. He's crap and hiding stuff!

Also when we got together he told me afterwards he had a kind of girlfriend but it wasn't like a proper relationship. She had come to visit him in England b4 we got together. When we moved into our first house I found naked pictures of her. He said he was just messing around? Is that a brother sister relationship?!

OP posts:
Original poster
itsabeautifulday1 · 31/05/2017 15:30

He lived there for a short while and has a close almost too close relationship with his real mum and dad.

OP posts:
Original poster
itsabeautifulday1 · 31/05/2017 15:33

I should probably just ignor it?

I am thinking I'm being unreasonable. He never spoke to the ex's mum really until she found out he got married?

OP posts:
picklemepopcorn · 31/05/2017 15:33

I think you might be a bit unreasonable, here.

They were like another family to him, and yes, perhaps had unrealistic hopes that he would marry the daughter. None the less they took him in when he needed it, and he lived with them for a while.

I don't think it's unreasonable to stay in touch. If you had been more in touch, sending family photos etc, it may have helped everyone move on.

If they need some support now, due to ill health etc, it's not at all unreasonable of him to want to give it.

If you have a good marriage, this will not threaten it. He chose you, you had your daughters together, you have more history with him than they do.

picklemepopcorn · 31/05/2017 15:34

Cross posted! Try and support him, not make him compete. He must feel very pressured and conflicted.

Original poster
itsabeautifulday1 · 31/05/2017 15:35

I know I am torn.

He says it's the ex's dad he cares about, but he is obsessed with his ex always looking her up?🙁

OP posts:
NellieFiveBellies · 31/05/2017 15:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

picklemepopcorn · 31/05/2017 15:41

Perhaps he has good reason to worry about her? Wouldn't you look up someone you had been close to, but heard was not doing well? I would, I think. Talk to him about her, so he doesn't have to worry about her in secret. Get her into the real world, with you and his dds. If there is any spark left, it won't survive being part of everyday conversation with you!

Original poster
itsabeautifulday1 · 31/05/2017 15:43

They only like pictures on fb that don't have me in them?

They don't ask about me or his kids.

Although I am so grateful they took him in. I feel like they don't really care. He has told them the contact is causing problems in the marriage. The dad said concentrate on your family now.

I wish I didn't feel so angry and 😭

OP posts:
InvisibleKittenAttack · 31/05/2017 15:47

If he has a bad temper, are you scared of him and his reaction? This is emotional abuse, do you have any real life friends / family you could talk to about this?

Your relationship seems very unhealthy, not just that he's in contact with them, but all of it. (And contacting her after an arguement with you - he's using her to punish you. To keep you in line, I would worry what else he could use if she does move on and find someone else so he can't use the threat of an affair/leaving you for her to modify your behaviour)

Original poster
itsabeautifulday1 · 31/05/2017 15:48

Now I have brought this up with him we won't speak for days.

I feel wrong for saying how I feel.

I literally cannot talk to him about it, as he'll be angry.

I feel it is probably best to not say anything

OP posts:
Original poster
itsabeautifulday1 · 31/05/2017 15:50

My family know, but not offered much advice.

The one friend I opened up to turned out to be toxic.

OP posts:
AyeAmarok · 31/05/2017 15:55

You absolutely have a DH problem.

This is ALL him. Not the other family/mum/daughter. Him.

picklemepopcorn · 31/05/2017 15:56

That's a,, starting to sound a bit different, now.

Original poster
itsabeautifulday1 · 31/05/2017 15:57

One side of me says... leave it, let him contact them, visit them, have an emotional relation with ex,. He chose me. It's fine.

The other says this is wrong, he puts them before us, he is infatuated by his ex and it will never stop. The mum says she'll never marry and will look after her in her old age? It feels me a back up plan

OP posts:
Original poster
itsabeautifulday1 · 31/05/2017 16:06

before we got married he invited his parents to the uk to stay with us. They all seemed really close and we and they visited many times after. Then this story came out? I just find it all really confusing?

OP posts:
MrsSthe3rd · 31/05/2017 16:13

I absolutely agree with Nellie.

The additional info you've given does not justify the constant texts and photos about the Daughter.

Your DH can absolutely have a relationship with the parents but there's no need for him to keep looking her up and/or messaging her.

My opinion hasn't changed.

Iloveyouthismuch · 31/05/2017 16:17

LTB!

Original poster
itsabeautifulday1 · 31/05/2017 16:18

But the family come as a package. So I can't say anything?

OP posts:
Original poster
itsabeautifulday1 · 31/05/2017 16:19

I sometimes feel he is using the mum just to keep in contact with the ex tbg?

OP posts:
Chattymummyhere · 31/05/2017 16:20

I think your dh has always emotionally been involved with the ex... did marrying you get him a visa at all? You say his family are all in a different country.

The fear of him alone is enough to say you need to leave without him being emotionally connected to his ex after so many years, he can care about the dad all he wants but has no need to check in with the ex when the dad or mum can keep him updated.

You need woman's aid not advice on how to stop him connecting with her, sounds like he always will and deep down husband picked her for many years.

MrsSthe3rd · 31/05/2017 16:26

I'm not even sure I believe the stories he's told you about his real parents. It sounds more like more emotional abuse.