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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To discourage my friend from getting a 'Manchester Bee' tattoo

213 replies

CircleofWillis · 30/05/2017 09:15

My friend is from Manchester but moved to London 25 years ago. She wants to get a bee tattoo to show her support for the people affected by the awful tragedy and to give financial support to the appeal. She doesn't have any tattoos and has previously stated she doesn't like them. AIBU to want to talk her out of it as she may regret such a permanent statement in the future. Instead I want to suggest she think about just donating the money. I know it is her body and her choice but I feel she is being swept up in the emotion as some of her friends from home have posted their tattoos on FB. I don't have any tattoos myself but not because I have any dislike of them but I would hesitate myself before having a permanent reminder of such a sad event on my body.

OP posts:
PainCanBeBeautiful · 30/05/2017 18:24

Onto me rather. Darent think about getting a tattoo in me lol

PainCanBeBeautiful · 30/05/2017 18:24

I apologise for all the typos Blush

AnyFucker · 30/05/2017 18:24

Time for this thread to disappear too ?

StarHeartDiamond · 30/05/2017 18:26

C'mon guys Smile tattoos are personal choices. Some people will have felt very threatened by the recent events and protective about their home town, and if getting a bee tattoo makes them feel solidarity then that's their choice. Just as nobody is forced to get a bee tattoo.

AliTheMinx · 30/05/2017 18:34

I actually agree with the OP - especially given the fact that her friend has previously expressed a dislike of tattoos. As long as she talks to her friend sensitively, which I am sure she would, then there's no problem, surely? It will just hopefully make her friend consider her options a little more before committing to a lifelong decision. I would value the input of a friend like the OP, who clearly has her friend's best interests at heart.

GahBuggerit · 30/05/2017 18:34

I think some of these posts are designed to get the thread deleted tbh AF

Mumzypopz · 30/05/2017 18:36

I don't agree with everything Hilda says, but I do hate it when quite a few people shout down another person on a thread. So if you don't agree with what she has said, perhaps let her know, if you want to, and then walk away, ie agree to disagree. She has as much right to an opinion as others.

redshoeblueshoe · 30/05/2017 18:38

But the reason given for the last one being deleted was that the Fund was closed.
I'd better call Ariana as she is coming to Manchester to do a concert here on Sunday.

ShapelyBingoWing · 30/05/2017 18:41

She has as much right to an opinion as others.

Yes, and if she was presenting it in an inoffensive way then most people wouldn't feel the need to respond directly to her. As it is, if she comes out with this kind of tripe in real life, I'd assume she's very thick skinned anyway.

NotACleverName · 30/05/2017 18:43

Tattoos are awful and make you look like a Chav. The Manchester bombings were terrible but two wrongs don't make a right.

ODFOD 🙄🍪

I see the Cats Bum Mouth Brigade are out in force again in this thread.

I'm from Manchester and long before the attack happened I considered getting a worker bee tattoo because I fucking love my city. Would it still be okay if I got one? I wouldn't want anyone to think I was a chav (that being said I have three tattoos already, so that ship has probably sailed). Nor would I want to be accused of grief jacking/virtue signalling by the oh-so-holier-than-thou MNers.

Mumzypopz · 30/05/2017 18:47

Yes shapely, there was possibly better ways of putting it, but not everyone is able to present things in a way everyone likes, and I think there's a difference in responding to someone directly and hounding someone down. To me it feels like she is being attacked.

MissShittyBennet · 30/05/2017 18:49

She has as much right to an opinion as others.

Once again, she's not being shouted down because she has an opinion. She's being slagged because she thinks she gets to decide what's disrespectful to the bereaved families, and also because she's by definition wrong because some of them have had the tattoos done. That is, she's trying to have her own facts. There's a distinction.

If you don't like seeing lots of people shout down someone who is wrong and unrepentantly so perhaps you should be the one to agree to disagree with the people who are doing it and walk away from the thread...

ShapelyBingoWing · 30/05/2017 18:52

To me it feels like she is being attacked.

I understand why you'd feel like that but from the other side, we're not the people accusing others of pretend grief, saying it's pathetic, or any of the other disgusting things she's come out with. If you say outrageous and offensive things, multiple people will respond.

Mumzypopz · 30/05/2017 18:56

Miss.....in her belief she thinks it's disrespectful, in your belief it's not. I don't think you are going to agree here. You have told her this a few times. She may be right in some cases, and so may you. I have heard some of the grieving families have had tattoos done, and I've also heard some find it disrespectful that others get it done as they feel people are stealing their grief. Of course that may not be their intention. Hilda could say you are wrong as much as you say she is. I shouldn't need to walk away from the thread. As mumsnet hq often points out, mumsnet is meant to be about supporting people, not arguing with people.

Original poster
CircleofWillis · 30/05/2017 18:56

I really regret starting this thread now. I didn't know about the previous threads and that they had been deleted. My friend was absolutely fine about me asking was she sure and I'll even go with her and hold her hand while she gets inked if she decides to have one in the end.

I feel very uncomfortable the tone the thread has taken. I'm not sure why being 'honest' really means being extremely snide and derogatory about people you have never met. I support the tattoo and all the money it is raising but was worried about this one instance of a person who I know well who was considering doing something out of character. I did not mean this to be generalised to hundreds of people who I have never met and don't know.

OP posts:
Mumzypopz · 30/05/2017 18:59

Shapely....I agree multiple people will respond, it wasn't the responding that I was raising, it was the constant responding, and turning it into a fight that just doesn't feel right. I often think we should be more wary or careful of who is the person sitting behind that post, ie the author. The author could be a victim herself, we just don't know. Just because we see a post that seems to not sit right with you, doesn't give us the right to attack, attack, attack.

GahBuggerit · 30/05/2017 19:01

The irony is the tattoos are intended to be a sign of support and standing together and 3 threads on the subject, 2 of which started off by people just asking if anyone else was getting one done, have descended into chaos and there's no need for it.

A lot of money has been raised, people are feeling united and proud of their city and fellow citizens and are showing their support for the victims. Whether you agree with them or not that's pretty fucking amazing at a time when I honestly don't feel like leaving the house and don't want my kids to either.

MissShittyBennet · 30/05/2017 19:02

Miss.....in her belief she thinks it's disrespectful, in your belief it's not.

Once again mumzy, this is not a matter of belief. Some of the families have said it is not and at least one has had a tattoo themself, which means it isn't. If she'd said could be or some, that would be ok. But she failed to use those qualifiers, which means she is trying to have her own facts, not her own opinions. She is setting herself up as better able to judge than a bereaved relative who has had a tattoo and supports the appeal. There is no possible way that is ok. You cannot justify it.

With that in mind, your lectures are rather misplaced.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 30/05/2017 19:04

I believe that the immediacy of the coverage of something like this, and the way that news outlets can focus so deeply on them (more channels and more bandwidth means that news programmes can put aside other programmes in favour of News Specials when these things happen) does make them more real for people, and hence can produce more of an emotional reaction.

TV can bring these things into our homes as they are happening, which makes the shock more immediate.

I don't think it is a bad thing. I believe that the vast majority of people are genuinely upset and empathetic towards those directly affected. Some may not be - some may be grief vampires - but I would prefer to give people the benefit of the doubt.

MissShittyBennet · 30/05/2017 19:04

Just because we see a post that seems to not sit right with you, doesn't give us the right to attack, attack, attack.

There is something truly wrong with your understanding if you think this needs to be told to the people who were correcting hilda, not hilda herself.

ShapelyBingoWing · 30/05/2017 19:06

Attacking and responding are not the same thing.

GahBuggerit · 30/05/2017 19:07

Don't feel bad op, as the other threads were deleted (rightly so) you wouldn't have known.

You sound like the sort of friend I would be in this situation, although I wouldn't be concerned about it referencing a sad event as that's not what it's about, but if my bestie said suddenly she's getting a tat after saying she hated them then too right I'd be "say what?!"

Mumzypopz · 30/05/2017 19:07

A thought entered my head earlier, that actually there were thousands of people at that concert, so thousands affected in one way or another. Those thousands all have families that will equally feel affected. Half my family came literally within a cats whisper of being blown into smithereens, and even though I wasn't there I'm still going over and over it in my mind. I too hate tattoos, but even I have considered getting one. Not for anyone else, but for me and my family. It doesn't feel like faux grief, as I'm extremely lucky not to be grieving about my family members, but a little bit of me understands what Hilda may have been trying to express.

Mumzypopz · 30/05/2017 19:13

Miss.....I have said I don't believe everything Hilda has said is perfect. I think you are being a bit picky to be honest. Yes she may have said it as if it's fact, but that's what I mean, that's her belief that it is. It is your belief that it is not. You do not know for a fact that all the victims like it either. There may well be some that don't. So, in that sense, some of what Hilda has said may be true. You seem to not be showing yourself in a good light here.

Mumzypopz · 30/05/2017 19:14

And miss, you seem to be the person attacking. As I've said, although I don't agree with everything she has said, you seem to not be able to leave her alone.

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