To wonder what you would think if your OH said that

[Poisongirl81]

Before being with you in his life he has had sex with men! A couple of times just for the sex. He's also had long term things with women and fancies me very much. Just don't know how to feel.

Bigoted my arse. Some posters sound like they've been listening to Riley J Dennis.

So the same person, the same relationship, the same sex life - and a couple of same-sex experiences would have you packing your bags? He'd somehow be demoted from 'alpha male' status (whatever that is) for two out of all his other sexual encounters being with blokes?

Should I have somehow thought my couple of experiences with other women were a huge deal I should Explain Frankly to Mr Inferior before sex? In case I was Forever Sullied In His Eyes?

It's all a bit Tess of the D'Urbervilles...

Great post Husky, I agree with everything you said.

There is no such thing as 'bestialityphobia', so that argument doesn't really work.

Homophobia and racism are very real and whilst you don't think making sweeping statements such as "I haven't met all the Chinese men in the world but I know for a fact I won't fancy any of them purely based on what they look like" isn't racist, it all contributes to the wider issue of discriminating against people based on who they are.

With regards to the actual question being asked here by OP, I think it's pretty narrow minded to think your husband is less of a man because he's had sex with other men in the past. I also think it's narrow minded to assume he must be secretly harboring homosexual feelings because he enjoys anal sex. I also think it's narrow minded to say that the idea of homosexual sex makes you feel queasy.

It's not narrow minded to say you personally wouldn't enjoy homosexual sex between two men (although as a straight woman I can't see how that's a predicament you'd ever find yourself in) but that's not the issue being presented here.

I think it's pretty narrow minded to think your husband is less of a man because he's had sex with other men in the past

Really? Okay, well that's your opinion, and you are entitled to it.

But for me, a man who is sexually attracted to other men, and furthermore, has actually engaged in sexual acts with men, is not the kind of guy that would ever, EVER be on my radar, or in my bed. The thought of my man, balls deep in another guy, does not make me swoon. Go figure.

And stop with the "narrow minded" stuff. Not everyone will like everything all of the time. Unless, of course, they are trying desperately to conform to the Politically Correct crowd.

Don't confuse being PC, with actually having your own wants and views stifled.

Saying someone who enjoys homosexual sex wouldn't ever be in your bed is completely different to saying that someone who enjoys homosexual sex is less of a man. One is your opinion, and one is an incredibly offensive and outdated stereotype.

Didn't seem to bother Gwen Stefanie [or I believe stop him and the female Nanny]
Everyone is an individual and till you've been there it's hard to know what you would think.

So should heterosexuals give a run down of everyone they've ever slept with in case something upsets their lover or is it just people who have had same sex relationships?

Huskylover: I don't agree with you. Yes, if I had a husband who decided he was gay and ran off with another man that would be more devastating because it means the marriage was a lie.

If he was bisexual and had an affair with another man? I don't think it would be worse than having an affair with a woman. In some ways it would be easier because you're not in direct competition with a man in the way you would with a woman.

That's just my opinion. Everybody is different and will have their own opinions.

This thread is totally nuts. I really wish the OP hadn't posted. Because when it all comes down to it, it's fuck all to do with anyone else how she SHOULD feel towards her partner in this situation. There really is no discussing it or telling her what's right or wrong, because ultimately what turns the OP on or off is purely individual to her and really no-one else's business.

This whole post seems like a set up. It's just too weird. If your husband is bumming you, wouldn't that in itself make you pause for thought?! I'll find my own biscuit.

x-post with assassin. Couldn't agree more!

Since my vagina is neither a country club nor a job I'm allowed to discriminate. No idea why people are so anxious to pretend it's not discrimination though. It's basically the definition of it.

Yes it is discrimination.

Apparently it is also homophobic to be unwilling to consent to sex with someone who's bisexual, or had bisexual experiences in the past.

So we've all learnt something new about consent today.

Ethylred I agree, and in denial about it too

If your husband is bumming you, wouldn't that in itself make you pause for thought?!

Of course it is "discriminatory". My entire sex life is discriminatory. You should try it - you'll have less sex with people you don't want to have sex with. You have no idea how many men I discriminate against. I won't have sex with men who are significantly older than me or younger than me, or who have heavy beards, or who like anal sex (although that one is easy as they wouldn't want to have much sex with me either - are they discriminatory??), or who are very hairy - I could go on.

If I fell hard in love with someone who hit the above buttons, I suppose I might consider it (all except the anal - no way) but really it wouldn't get that far because I would screen early on.

I don't discriminate in the legal or even social sense in any way against men who are older than me or younger than me or who have heavy beards or who are very hairy. I don't discriminate against the anal-sex lovers because I don't know who they are but I wouldn't anyway - whatever floats your boat. I do hope they wouldn't discriminate against me either.

And you can add "men who have had sex with other men" to that list. I don't want to have sex with them but other than that they are like any other man in the world to me.

People on this thread are such fluffy thinkers. If the word "discriminate" can be used in the sentence then we are suddenly back in apartheid South Africa instead of in a personal relationship involving sex and bodies. Can't you think about the issue a bit more subtly?

I think the problem for those of us who are not heterosexual is that a lot of comments in this thread are exactly the same prejudice we face day to day - once you "admit" to your sexual orientation (which makes us feel queasy) then we will decide whether that (alone and nothing else) means we do not think you are acceptable in some way (to be our lover / friend / colleague / service provider / customer / near our children) regardless of anything else you may have said or done. I'm not suggesting the solution is that everyone goes out and sleeps with a bisexual, but I don't think you can divorce it from wider homophobia in society and that's what needs to be addressed.

I honestly feel really sad about some of these attitudes. Particularly those talking about gay sex being grotesque and thinking this is worth ending a relationship over.

I wonder if deep down you know and accept that you are homophobic bigots? Or do you reject this because you don't mind the idea of gay people as long as you are not actually faced with one, in which case you find the grotesque, and can't get the idea of them being 'bummed' out of your head. I wonder if you spend as much time considering the ins an outs and gritty details of previous heterosexual encounters your OHs have had. The language used is extremely indicative of the underlying feelings of discust and contempt.

Genuinely really really hope none of your children find themselves questioning their sexuality and have to 'come out' (wouldn't it be nice if that weren't a thing anymore) to parents who will be sat across the table troubling themselves with how icky gay sex is and having trouble reconciling how their 'manly' son can possible be gay.

disgust and biggot

In answer to the person who asked about being attracted to Asian men, the difference is this.

You wouldn't be in a long term relationship with a person, discover he is half Asian, and suddenly find him grotesque.

It would be bigoted to wish to deny gay/bi people the same rights as everyone else in society. Nobody has a right to sex or a relationship unless you don't believe in consent.

Completely agree Beadoren - I think there's a difference about discrimination based on specific rational choices, e.g. my partner and I are not sexually compatible for whatever reason, and on prejudice based on stereotypes and false assumptions, e.g. it makes me queasy, he's not manly, he'll run off with a man. This goes to the heart of unfair discrimination against people, and even if there are some things that hold true as generalisations at a population level (e.g. men are stronger than women) they don't necessarily hold true for all individuals yet we are treated as if we are all the same, whether that's as women, people from different ethnic groups or people who have / have had same sex relationships.

It's not homopbobic to be put off by a partner having engaged in certain sex practices. Just as it's not hetrophobic to be put off by a partner engaging in certain practices or with certain types of people of the opposite sex.

Sex is one area we should discriminate on our personal preferences. We all do it. We all have different standards, different things we're attracted to and dealbreakers.

As for certain people saying that there's something wrong with not liking men who you view as being 'less then men..' because of how they behave, nobody has the right to tell anyone what they're not allowed to be turned off by. Everyone is entitled to be attracted to who they want.