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AIBU?

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Original poster

To wonder what you would think if your OH said that

484 replies

Poisongirl81 · 29/05/2017 18:38

Before being with you in his life he has had sex with men! A couple of times just for the sex. He's also had long term things with women and fancies me very much. Just don't know how to feel.

OP posts:
Shockers · 30/05/2017 08:42

I've heard my gay friends use the term 'bummed'.

I'm not homophobic. I have close gay friends of both sexes. If DH told me that he'd previously had sex with men though, it would bother me because that's not the DH I know. I'd also be worried that whatever made him want to, is something I can't put into our sex life.

TheDowagerCuntess · 30/05/2017 08:46

I'm basing my comment on the dawning realisation that my DB was gay (well before he came out) when he visibly shuddered when a friend mentioned a female sex act.

Of course not all gay people think straight sex is icky, or whatever - and vice versa.

But someone being put off by a certain sex act doesn't necessarily mean they're homophobic either.

Being entirely honest, I know I would be viewing my DH very differently indeed, if it came to light some time after we'd met and been together, that he'd had sex with men.

If that makes me homophobic, so be it - even though actual homophobia and inequality based on sexual orientation upsets me on a profound and visceral level.

bailz · 30/05/2017 08:57

It's not about trust though. I would have to seriously consider whether I wanted to proceed with the relationship. Not because I felt that he wouldn't be able to commit, but because I would wonder if he missed engaging in sexual activity with other men? Would he be seeking something from me that I am not prepared to give?

carjacker1985 · 30/05/2017 09:06

Obviously nobody is forcing you to have sex with someone you don't want to in order to appease, what a ridiculous thing to say.

But to everyone for whom this would be a deal breaker... why would it? I am genuinely curious as to what reason you could have that isn't based on finding homosexual sex unappealing.

A lot of the responses on here suggest that a bisexual man is a gay man, which is offensive and untrue.

And to the poster upthread who asked if saying they'd never be attracted to an Asian man is racist- yes, clearly writing off an entire race is racist.

kaytee87 · 30/05/2017 09:16

Is there something wrong with finding homosexual sex unappealing? I find it unappealing, doesn't mean i don't like or am friends with gay people.

carjacker1985 · 30/05/2017 09:18

Of course there is! The fact is- nobody is asking you to do it, or making you watch. Why do you think your opinion on how gay people have sex is worth airing? Imagine being gay, and hearing people say things like "gay sex is gross, it makes me feel queasy, I find it unappealing". That is homophobic! You don't have to hate gay people to say homophobic things, you know.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 30/05/2017 09:20

kaytee: oh but that would make you homophobic according to some people on this thread. If the thought of 2 men having sex doesn't float your boat then you are homophobic apparently.

carjacker1985 · 30/05/2017 09:22

Nobody is saying to has to float your boat. If you're a straight woman, clearly homosexual sex between two men isn't something that you'll ever be asked to participate in, so why do you care what what other people get up to? I wouldn't be interested in having a partner urinate on me in bed, but as it's something that nobody is going to force me to do, it doesn't fucking matter what I think! Other people do it, they enjoy it, have at it. If I found out DH had peed on people in a previous relationship I wouldn't end it on the spot, as some people are suggesting here.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 30/05/2017 09:24

Ok. Here's an analogy. If my partner said he'd done swinging in the past and really enjoyed it then that would put me off. Even if had been just normal man on woman sex then it would really put me off him. I would think he would still have the urge to do it and be repressing it because he knew I didn't like the idea.

Does that make me grossed out by anyone who is into all that? Of course not.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 30/05/2017 09:27

Carjacker: but can't you understand why In your scenario it might make people very uncomfortable thinking that that's his sexual "thing", and wondering if he's dying to do it again?

kaytee87 · 30/05/2017 09:35

carjacker do you actually know what unappealing means?

carjacker1985 · 30/05/2017 09:37

"Normal man on woman sex" Hmm

I'd assume if my parter was with me then it was because he wanted to be with me. I don't see how the fact that he may have had sex with men before me would make me trust him any less than finding out he'd had sex with women before me.

My peeing analogy was a bad one, I apologise, homosexual sex is not a kink and I shouldn't have likened it to one.

carjacker1985 · 30/05/2017 09:38

Kaytee- yes, why do you ask? It was the OP who actually said that homosexual sex makes her feel queasy, which is why I included it in my quote.

kaytee87 · 30/05/2017 09:38

Finding something unappealing doesn't mean you care if someone else does it. It means you find it uninviting or not attractive. I would say that finding gay sex unappealing makes you heterosexual and finding straight sex unappealing makes you gay.... surely?
Have I walked into a parallel universe?

kaytee87 · 30/05/2017 09:39

Queasy and unappealing aren't the same thing

carjacker1985 · 30/05/2017 09:41

But nobody is asking you to partake in homosexual sex? The OP's DH isn't asking her to! Her opinion on whether or not it's appealing to her or not is frankly, by the fucking by.

If you can't see why saying that gay sex is disgusting is homophobic (which is what a lot of the comments on this thread amount to) then it seems we're not in a parallel universe so much as the dark ages.

kaytee87 · 30/05/2017 09:43

Disgusting and unappealing aren't the same thing either carjacker. I don't find gay sex disgusting or queasy but it is unappealing to me. You're saying I'm homophobic to find it unappealing, I'm saying actually I'm just heterosexual.

TheStoic · 30/05/2017 09:44

I am genuinely curious as to what reason you could have that isn't based on finding homosexual sex unappealing.

But it is OK for people to find homosexual sex unappealing.

TheStoic · 30/05/2017 09:45

And to the poster upthread who asked if saying they'd never be attracted to an Asian man is racist- yes, clearly writing off an entire race is racist

So what should that person do, if they do not want to be racist?

carjacker1985 · 30/05/2017 09:46

TheStoic- stop writing off entire groups of men based on the colour of their skin? It's not really my problem to solve, is it.

carjacker1985 · 30/05/2017 09:49

Kaytee- the issue here isn't whether or not you're heterosexual. The issue here is whether or not you would find someone who had homosexual sex with someone else unappealing when they try and have 'normal' (Hmm) heterosexual sex with you. In that scenario your opinion on homosexual sex is completely irrelvant, to make it an issue most certainly has homophobic implications.

TheStoic · 30/05/2017 09:49

TheStoic- stop writing off entire groups of men based on the colour of their skin?

Sure, but in practical terms what would that actually look like?

I know it's not your problem to solve, but it would be interesting to know what you would suggest.

carjacker1985 · 30/05/2017 09:51

In practical terms, just stop doing the racist thing?

kaytee87 · 30/05/2017 09:53

Carjacker, you were implying there was something wrong with finding homosexual sex unappealing and saying I was homophobic to find it unappealing.

In ops scenario I don't actually know if it would bother me that much depending on what the relationship is like.

That doesn't stop me finding homosexual sex unappealing.

TheStoic · 30/05/2017 09:53

In practical terms, just stop doing the racist thing?

How? What could that woman do to 'stop doing the racist thing'?

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