Page 6 | To wonder what you would think if your OH said that

Poisongirl81 · 2017-05-29T17:38:43+00:00

Before being with you in his life he has had sex with men! A couple of times just for the sex. He's also had long term things with women and fancies me very much. Just don't know how to feel.

motherinferior · 29/05/2017 22:18

Oh and if you found yourself fancying a woman would you expect her to be repelled and reject you on the basis you'd had sex with men before?

LauderSyme · 29/05/2017 22:28

The idea that you are discriminating or sexist if you don't want to shag someone of the same sex is....niche?

That's not what this thread is about though. It's about wanting or not wanting to shag someone who's shagged someone of the same sex. Different scenario.

I'm not actually sure where I stand on this argument. I agree with MrsTerryPratchett at 21:57:47 but I am uncomfortable with a lot of the comments on here which do strike me as homophobic.

velocitygir1 · 29/05/2017 22:28

Wouldn't bother me in the slightest and in all honesty this might be tmi BUT I would be a bit turned on by it.

motherinferior · 29/05/2017 22:32

And what the OP is actually talking about is a 'manly man' being 'bummed'.

Which is the sort of language and attitude which slightly makes me wonder what the hell she'll do if one of her kids comes out.

Ohyesiam · 29/05/2017 22:36

Just a minute, what are you all saying? That there's something a bit wrong with bisexuals ? What is this? Victorian MN?
Op, if I were in your situation I'd be interested in the quality of my relationship with this man, does it tick your boxes? Do you feel loved? Is it what you feel in your heart you want from a relationship? If yes to these, then what's the problem?
He presumably has safe sex? If not you both need to get screening.

Pallisers · 29/05/2017 22:44

Oh and if you found yourself fancying a woman would you expect her to be repelled and reject you on the basis you'd had sex with men before?

No idea. I'd pay her the respect of expecting HER to set her own limits and standards as to what is acceptable to her in a relationship - not me and not sanctimonious cool kids. Imagine that - a woman actually gets to decide what is acceptable to her or not without any supervision.

Pallisers · 29/05/2017 22:47

FFS there is nothing wrong with bisexuals. But I've been down that road before in my early 20s so wouldn't go down it again. Maybe it would be different this time but maybe not. Either way I am a grown up who is capable of deciding I don't want to have a relationship with older men/bisexuals/taxi drivers/bankers/whatever for my own reasons. Your sexual relationship is about as personal as it gets. Nothing to do with anyone else.

BarbedBloom · 29/05/2017 23:02

Wouldn't bother me at all as I am bi sexual myself. My partner prefers anal and he is heterosexual. It doesn't mean that is what we do all the time though as he cares about what I like too.

neonfrog · 30/05/2017 00:28

It's good that he feels he can be honest and open with you, he must trust and care for you a lot.

LittleBeautyBelle · 30/05/2017 04:50

The truth is that it is grotesque to most people. Both his sexual history and preference. Politically correct garbage to please the culture gods to act like it's noble or nothing to be concerned about. I for one will not bow down to that, I don't care what names are thrown at me. It is completely reasonable to be concerned about a partner's sexual history. Live and let live and that includes my instinctive ewww reaction. Dealbreaker absolutely. Would feel the same about someone who had had a lot of partners regardless of preference. Sex is for pleasure yes but it is also a responsibility. It is how we create new humans and we have lost sight of that.

Lules · 30/05/2017 05:47

Of course you get to decide who you have a relationship with for any reason you choose. But that doesn't necessarily stop the choice you make being homophobic. On an individual level that's fine. On a societal level the idea that a man who has sex with a man must be gay is damaging and individual choices contribute to that idea.

littlebeauty's comment above is more obviously homophobic than other comments but essentially it rests on the same ideas. Gay sex is icky. Bisexual men can't be trusted.

showmeislands · 30/05/2017 05:58

Wouldn't bother me in the slightest. And, from what male friends have told me, even many supposedly "hetero" guys have had some degree of experience with other guys, especially in teenage years while experimenting. So what? Sexuality can be fluid. Bisexuality is fine. I wouldn't see it as any more of a threat or an issue than him having slept with women in the past. He's with you now and attracted to you, so what's the problem.

TheDowagerCuntess · 30/05/2017 06:09

Gay sex is icky.

To be fair, I think most gay people would say straight sex is icky.

That's kind of the entire point of having a sexual orientation!

OccasionalNachos · 30/05/2017 06:28

Some of the attitudes on this thread are terrible.

nooka · 30/05/2017 06:48

I'm very heterosexually orientated in that I've never even slightly fancied a woman. I don't think that homosexual sex is 'icky' though. Women don't attract me but I can see that they might attract other women.

My dd is bi, and I would not be at all surprised if ds is too. It's sad to see how prejudiced people are. Some people fancy both men and women. It's really not that big a deal, and it's not something they have a choice about (although sure they could in fear stick to one side or the other).

Of course no one should ever feel pressured to have a relationship or sex with anyone, but it's not a sexual orientation issue to say that if you discovered your partner had had same sex relationships in the past you would no longer find them attractive. They are still the same person with the same body after all. That you would suddenly see them differently is about prejudice.

carjacker1985 · 30/05/2017 07:24

Some of the replies on this thread are disgusting. OP, sorry if you think him having sex with men in the past makes him less of a 'manly man', but that is entirely your problem and not his. It's homophobic to suggest that men who have gay sex aren't manly, to use phrases such as 'bummed', and to suggest that gay sex grosses you out- I hope you realise that.

To the other people on this thread who say it would be a dealbreaker, either you think that being bi is more likely to make you cheat- it isn't, and it's offensive to even suggest- or the idea of having sex with someone who has had men before disgusts you. This isn't a sexual preference, this is homophobic. Unless you'd dump him for having had sex with anyone before you, then it is homophobic. Imagine if someone started a thread "I've just found out DH had sex with other women before me! The idea of him putting his penis in someone else's vagina grosses me out a bit. I don't know what to do!" I can't imagine anyone would be crying dealbreaker, I imagine most would tell OP to get a grip.

If he has a preference for anal sex then this doesn't make him a bad person either, or the homophobes on here are allowed their "sexual preference" then so is he. Obviously if this is all he wants to do and refuses to do anything else despite OP not wanting to then this is a serious problem, but nowhere in the OP does it say this, and it seems convenient for the homophobes that because it's anal sex it is okay to condemn. Plenty of straight people like anal sex as well, you know.

histinyhandsarefrozen · 30/05/2017 07:36

Plenty of straight people like anal sex, yes, but some would find a partner who 'preferred' anal sex a bit.... irritating.

I wouldn't find his history a problem though.

Lules · 30/05/2017 08:03

dowager i meant there are attitudes on this thread not just that they don't want to have gay sex (which is obviously completely unproblematic) but the idea of a partner having had gay sex in the past is such a turn off they couldn't fancy them anymore.

AceholeRimmer · 30/05/2017 08:09

It wouldn't bother me at all, what matters is he is now with you and only you. It was just sex. But I've had encounters with women so it would be weird for me to feel weird about it!

TheStoic · 30/05/2017 08:12

the idea of having sex with someone who has had men before disgusts you. This isn't a sexual preference, this is homophobic.

Genuine question: if someone is not sexually attracted to Asian men (for example), would that make them racist?

If so, what could/should they do about it?

MargeryFenworthy · 30/05/2017 08:18

It absolutely would bother me and would be a deal breaker.

motherinferior · 30/05/2017 08:22

No, it's racist to find the fact someone else had sex with an Asian man a 'dealbreaker'.

Two, a mere two, one-offs in the past with blokes to see what it was like? Can't see what the fuss is about.

Onemorewonthurt · 30/05/2017 08:30

I can't understand the references to anal sex, everyday who is sexually active is able to have anal sex also to call it being bummed is just embarrassing...

To the other people on this thread who say it would be a dealbreaker, either you think that being bi is more likely to make you cheat- it isn't, and it's offensive to even suggest- or the idea of having sex with someone who has had men before disgusts you. This isn't a sexual preference, this is homophobic. Unless you'd dump him for having had sex with anyone before you, then it is homophobic.

This is a ridiculous thing to say!

I feel this way and I am definitely not homophobic, a male friend of mine is also completely put off if a guy he is seeing has ever been with a woman.
Is he homophobic too?

confusedat23 · 30/05/2017 08:31

I once dated a bi-sexual man OP and I didn't even think about it being a problem at the time!

He also never went anywhere near my bum area, i didn't even need to say I didn't want him to!

Willyoujustbequiet · 30/05/2017 08:39

Actually I find the accusations of homophobia on this thread deeply offensive as well as ignorant.

My sexual preferences are mine and mine alone and anyone who tries to judge, influence or restrict my choice as a woman when they don't know me or play any part in my life is a misogynist.

If I'm not attracted to lesbians it does not make me homophobic. If I'm not attracted to transgender I am not transphobic. If I am not attracted to bisexuality then that is my choice.

Accusations of homophobia are ignorant as well as sinister. Anything that seeks to influence a woman's choice in the area affects her freedom of consent.

Should we sleep with people we don't want to just to appease?

It's scary how some replies on this thread are so eager to vouch for one group yet can't see how potentially damaging their stance is to another ffs.