To wonder what you would think if your OH said that

[Poisongirl81]

Before being with you in his life he has had sex with men! A couple of times just for the sex. He's also had long term things with women and fancies me very much. Just don't know how to feel.

It's nothing to do with trust- it's a complete and utter turn off for me. An absolute dealbreaker.

Can't believe some of you are arguing that if you don't want your partner to shag men you're homophobic. No matter how hard you splutter about it you won't change many people's minds on it! Sexual preferences are what they are- for people of every sexuality. And everyone equally is perfectly entitled to their own personal preference, without being shouted down by liberal nazis.

Having sex with a man doesn't necessarily mean he bisexual - have a google for Men Who Have Sex With Men

I find it strange that Mumsnet pretends to be so leftie liberal right on , prejudice free but as soon as something comes up that is a little bit different from most peoples life experiences they are up in arms

Having sex with a man doesn't necessarily mean he bisexual - have a google for Men Who Have Sex With Men

It does though.

helpfulperson

Men who have sex with men and women are bisexual though.

Can't believe some of you are arguing that if you don't want your partner to shag men you're homophobic.

Who argued that?

I think you can call yourself a feminist...and undertake actions that are not feminist...eg make up.
I understand the whole 'women shouldn't need to adorn themselves to appeal to the male gaze' argument. But I don't agree that wearing make up is anti-feminist.
Isn't feminism all about women's rights to make their own choices about their bodies and their lives without being controlled, stigmatised, judged or demeaned?

If you aren't someone who discusses previous relationships/sexual experiences before getting in to a relationship with someone then i don't think it's fair to now judge him on this.

ME personally, i'm upfront when things are looking like there's attraction significant enough for a possible relationship. I have personal beliefs about sex, i couldn't be with someone who has had casual sex, to me it is about love and i believe in only sleeping with someone you have genuine strong feelings for and want to spend your life with. If someone doesn't want to discuss their previous sexual history, then they're not the person for me. If we have different feelings about when it is appropriate to have sex with someone, they aren't the person for me.

As for would i date somebody bisexual, no, i wouldn't. I don't agree with anal sex, and whilst i know not every man who has a same sex relationship engages in anal sex, i don't want to ever be put in a position where it's something they will potentially ask for, due to an ex threatening me with tying me up and anally raping me.

I am admittedly also insecure about me not being good enough due to past emotional abuse by same said ex, i don't want to have to worry and be irrationally insecure not just about their female friends but their male ones also that they could leave me for.

*Can't believe some of you are arguing that if you don't want your partner to shag men you're homophobic.

Who argued that?*

Here are a couple ...

Nooka: I can understand a bit why people have concerns about being 'enough' for someone who fancies both men and women, but to say that anyone bisexual or who has ever had a gay sexual experience is just flat out unattractive to you really does suggest that you think men having sex with men is wrong.

And
Dixie: so why are you so keen to pretend that your distaste for engaging in a relationship or sex with men who have had sex with men is based on absolutely nothing? Just because, because, because? It seems so disingenuous. You know that anyone reading has to assume it's based on one or more distasteful ideas about men who have sex with men, subconscious or otherwise.

You know what, Pallisers? I don't think you understood what I was saying in that post. Even after all my explaining. Which you called 'justifying', if I remember correctly, which now makes more sense.

Lauder

The app won't let me cut and paste your text for some reason, but in relation to feminists choosing to wear make up, I would say that one of the aims of feminism is to give women choices, but not every choice a woman makes means it's a feminist choice. If it's something that reinforces women's inequality then I would say no, it might be a choice by a feminist but choosing to wear make up is not IMO at least advancing the cause of feminism. I was thinking about this the other day, I have a 14 yo DD and find it deeply depressing how much time her and her friends sit in their bedroom doing their make up whilst the boys are out conquering the world.

You know what, Pallisers? I don't think you understood what I was saying in that post. Even after all my explaining. Which you called 'justifying', if I remember correctly, which now makes more sense.

Yes, I think there's some reading comprehension problems going on here.

I wish OP had mentioned how long she has been with DP, because it really does make a difference. What doesn't much of a difference to me is the gender. When me and my DH met we discussed out sexual history, we were 17, I was a virgin and he has slept with one girl. I can't say I was thrilled, but also it was something he had done before me, that couldn't and wouldn't ever change, and it's probably made him who he is today in ways I can't even fathom. If at the time, he'd told me there was a chap on his list too, or more women, that would still only bother me in the "i wish you'd waited for me" kind of way. But again, he didn't know me, we hadn't met, and his life experiances make him the man I love. If he came home today and mentioned a shit load of people, both men and women on his list thay he failed to mention 8 years ago, I would then be miffed, I wouldn't leave him, because it was before he knew me. But the lying would be a massive trust issue that we'd have to try and get over together. Gender really wouldn't have thay much to do with it, I wouldn't feel any more or less betrayed if a man was on the list, I'd just feel disrespected that he didn't tell me the truth.
But, how long has OP been with her DP? Have they had the sexual history chat already and this was brought up later and now she's wondering why he lied in the first place? What's his reason for bringing it up later, was he worried about her reaction? Lots of unanswered questions that do really impact the situation. I feel like it would be more a trust thing for me, than a gender thing.

I've been with my husband for nearly 9 years now (married nearly 2, two children - eldest is 5).

We got our sexual history out very early on in the relationship. To be fair, there wasn't much on his because he's not that kind of guy. I'm nearly 3 years younger than him and my history was triple his.
I would be really curious how he felt about sex with a man to be honest! I don't think it would bother me if I knew at the start of our relationship. If he said it now then I wouldn't be happy.

There is one person, when I was younger who told me the day after we slept together, that he had slept with his cousin (a boy). I promptly broke up with him because I felt like he'd lied to me, we'd only been together a month but he had been my best friend for a couple of years so had plenty of time to tell me!
6 years later I became friends with someone I went to school with, we spoke about that guy - her boyfriend is that boys cousin (not THE cousin)! She told me that she heard a rumour about him at school that he slept with his cousin.. I was like "no it's true, I told my friend who decided to spread it"
Her boyfriend was there when I was talking to her and he said "omg, I wonder if that's the reason that part of the family don't talk anymore"

That was very nasty of you banana... And still gossiping about it.

This would be a deal breaker for me.

I can't put my finger on why exactly but I think I just wouldn't find my dh as attractive.

Sexual attraction is a huge part of our relationship, dh loves everything that is "womanly" about me and I couldn't reconcile that with the fact he finds/found a man sexually attractive.

I make no apologies for my opinion, I know I'm not homophobic. Some posters here are tripping over themselves to be politically correct and it's quite pathetic really.

Sexual attraction is an individual thing we don't have to justify our preferences to anyone!

There is one person, when I was younger who told me the day after we slept together, that he had slept with his cousin (a boy). I promptly broke up with him because I felt like he'd lied to me, we'd only been together a month but he had been my best friend for a couple of years so had plenty of time to tell me!
6 years later I became friends with someone I went to school with, we spoke about that guy - her boyfriend is that boys cousin (not THE cousin)! She told me that she heard a rumour about him at school that he slept with his cousin.. I was like "no it's true, I told my friend who decided to spread it"
Her boyfriend was there when I was talking to her and he said "omg, I wonder if that's the reason that part of the family don't talk anymore"

What a beautiful story, banana. You must feel very proud.

Some posters here are tripping over themselves to be politically correct

Some posters here have very direct and personal experience of being rejected, abused and demeaned for our sexual orientation. It may be a matter of "political correctness" to some, but to us it's our mental and emotional wellbeing and day to day lives.

summer I'm sorry you have experienced homophobia as I said above I don't believe my sexual preference means I'm homophobic.

Sexual attraction is a huge part of our relationship, dh loves everything that is "womanly" about me and I couldn't reconcile that with the fact he finds/found a man sexually attractive.

I love B&J Chocolate Fudge Brownie. I love how rich and chocolatey it is.

I also love B&J Cinnamon Buns. I love how cinnamony and sweet and slightly salty it is.

Am I somehow less of a fan of Chocolate Fudge Brownie because I also love and appreciate Cinnamon Buns for some very different qualities it has to those of Chocolate Fudge Brownie? No. HTH.

yeah but Dixie - that's still all ice-cream.

What I take from your metaphor is that you like ice-cream. The poster you are referencing is saying that her husband likes women. I imagine he likes all all types of women, but women nonetheless.

But Blazing it's people who come to the same conclusion that you do that you don't want a relationship with some of us because we've had same sex experiences that reject and hurt us. I'm struggling to understand how people can explain that if it's not about homophobia. One minute we're okay, the next you find out we've had same sex experiences and we're not okay. The only difference is the same sex experience.

I am still struggling with the fact that men having sex with men 'makes them less manly'. And that being disgusted by that attitude is somehow Rampant PEECEEE GONE MAD!!! and makes me some sort of COOL WIFE.

Dixie that's a shit analogy. HTH

summer I think personal sexual attraction or preference is difficult to define.

I have no problem with gay men or women, I'm not disgusted by gay sex it just doesn't appeal to me. I have lots of family members and friends who are gay, I wouldn't have a problem with my children being gay.

It would just be a huge turn off for me if my dh had had a same sex relationship/sex.

I appreciate that it might be hurtful for you and that's not my intention, to me it's the same as people not being attracted to short/ginger/tall men.

What I take from your metaphor is that you like ice-cream. The poster you are referencing is saying that her husband likes women. I imagine he likes all all types of women, but women nonetheless

Swap ice cream for sex, not women.