To formula feed baby despite OH's objections.

[Herbie22]

DD is 5 weeks old and exclusively breast fed. I am finding this tough because she is either on the boob or upset.
This is my first baby so I'm not sure what I am doing. I think she might not be getting enough from me as she needs near constant feeds. I would like to top her up with formula as I literally do nothing all day/night but feed her. I know that it's hard work a newborn but I can't even walk down the road to the shops without her screaming. I don't get to see anyone and it is making me sad and lonely.

I tried to speak to OH about this and he said that he doesn't want her on formula. He said that I am making enough milk because she is gaining weight. I don't think she is gaining it fast enough though which worries me.
I also wonder if she would sleep better if she was formula fed. I am up nearly all night feeding her at the moment which is another reason I think I'm not producing enough milk as she won't settle.
I don't want to give up BF completely. Maybe just supplement her feeding but at the moment I feel like I've lost all my zest for life because all I do is sit either on the sofa or on my bed feeding. It is also damaging my relationship with OH as we can't even have dinner without DD wanting to be fed (though I do feed her just before) and I'm starting to resent him getting to do things, even popping to Tesco, without a baby attached to him.
I know I sound horribly ungrateful as I am so blessed to have DD! I just want to be able to do things other than feed her!

Thanks ohholy! I can talk bollocks too, as the need arises.

fatoldbag - I feel a bit rude calling you that - no, nothing doing. We didn't exactly try deliberately but obviously babies will have a go at latching on to anything (earlobes, especially ... how did the human race survive?!) and she considers my nipples to be nothing short of an insult to the name. I'm not even sure she understands that they are nipples. She can tell my boobs are boobs and will sigh with contentment at the prospect of a feed, then yell in outrage because they are defective. She won't take a dummy, either.

All of this is a digression, but I do find it interesting (having been on MN for donkey's years hoping to have a baby, and having only been with DP and the baby for such a short time) how little male partners are often expected to do. I forget who it was upthread who said the dad couldn't possibly be expected to share the feeds if he works, but it's such nonsense. What's looking after a difficult newborn if it's not work?

Please be clear with your OH that this isn't about baby gaining weight, but about you. Hopefully he will see your perspective and support the decision vv

Give the baby a bottle and don't ask him. Tell him.

I mean comfort rather than attention.

Your baby sounds totally normal to me. Babies cry and want comforting pretty much 100% of the time in the beginning. They love boobs - very comforting - and if you offer boobs all the time the baby will be very happy. But you can comfort in other ways like wrap jiggling mentioned above.

Good luck OP.

Thank you I will try jiggling. Tends to be as soon as she cries I think she is hungry or she's passed back to me with "Mummy, DD is hungry now" I panic cos I don't want her to starve!

Breastfeeding of not the best option for any baby if it comes st the expense of mums mental well being and comfort.

The only person who has any say in how to feed a baby is the person feeding the baby so if your dh wants to bf he's welcome to while you FF.

I think if he's being an arse now it's time to nip that crap in the bud right away.

You decide what to do with your breasts and if that's feeding a baby then fine and if it's not then equally fine.

No one can spot who was a breast fed baby in the reception class it's completely your choice op tell him to do one.

She won't starve!

She will panic a bit initially, if she's always been passed back to you, because it's strange for her. And I get the impression babies actually don't really know what they want most of the time. They feel scared or uncomfortable or worried, so they cry! And often they just cry because it's a very good way of making sure a tiny defenceless thing doesn't get ignored.

Get him to google different ways of holding a baby. Some of them she'll hate and some she might only tolerate for a bit, but he might find she settles with one or more with him. And then she will bond with him loads more.

When does she sleep best, other than on the breast?

And the calling you mummy all the time is equally annoying. you are still you and not just dds mum so tell him to stop that too.

Why is that annoying. Me and my partner still refer to eachother as mummy and daddy when talking to our daughters. I honestly thought that was normal seeing as the child will call you mummy and not by your first name.

Tell him to man up & learn how to comfort his baby so you get some respite. That's the best way he can help you to persevere with bfing, should you wish to.

Little finger in her mouth to suck on, skin to skin, sling, pram walks - he needs to figure it out.

And cease the passive aggressive emotional manipulation because that's the very shittest start in life for a kid.

It gets better...

The thing is, that's what 5 week olds DO. They feed day and night constantly. That is why new mums say things like "my biggest achievement today was a shower!" and "I only managed 3 slices of toast eating one handed all day".
It will get easier, but what you describe is part and parcel of mothering a newborn. I'm sure your negativity won't spread to the baby!

As others have said, this will get easier. 5 weeks is getting ready for the mega 6 week growth spurt. After another couple of weeks it will be easier. If you want to continue bf I would strongly advise you to stay strong and not introduce formula at the mo. Supply is very affected by demand at this stage so it could really reduce your supply. If you want to do mixed feeding wait a few more weeks til your supply is more established.

I don't think your DH is a total arse but he needs to help you continue bf by taking the baby even if she's crying so you can have a bath etc. A sling could help with this. He also should be doing all the house work even if he's working, cooking the dinners etc etc for the next couple of weeks, until feeding is less relentless

Who checked the tongue tie as it can often be can missed or dismissed. And have you got your latch checked?

She isn't tongue tied. she's been checked by two HCPs. I was unsure about my latch so asked both HV and MW to watch me feed her and they were happy with it and told me I was doing well.

Definitely get a wrap, moby or hana do lovely ones. The only way my DH could settle DD in the early days was in the wrap otherwise she just cried because she didn't have a boob in her mouth.

As others have said, breastfeeding and carrying on with it is completely your choice and yours alone. Although I agree and support fathers being as actively involved as possible, in the case of breastfeeding it's no boobs no say!

Also what he said regarding not liking dd, is not on at all and I'd be making that very clear to him.

In regards to the feeding, it's difficult at first yes! But I'd baby constantly feeding or does it just feel like it? I'm not wanting to sound patronising or not believing, but I remember those early days and it does seem like a constant cycle and I'd often not realise how long she was actually going between feeds. Also how long do you or more importantly your dh, spend trying to settle her before offering boob?
I found with my dd, that she'd settle easier without needing to feed for her dad or anyone other than me.
Some things that worked for me.....
He'd dad would take her out in the pram or for a drive in the car for a hour or two, so I could get a break.
Through the night, he'd sit up through some feeds and I'd sleep while feeding her.
As she got a bit older 3 months ish, I'd go into the spare room some nights and he'd only bring her through to feed. He'd try settling her first, this was how we got her sleeping through.
He does bath and getting ready for bed too, so I get a break then and I just take over to feed once she's already for bed.

Of course if you want to try formula, then that's your choice and I wouldn't feel at all guilty about it. And your dh certainly should make you feel so.

Is baby not I'd!!

It's very early days still OP! Both mine were very unsettled and like velcro to me for 6-7 weeks.
Babies don't just suck for food. They suck for comfort. It's their natural pleasure (presumably designed like that to promote regular feeding) and just about the only thing they have control over at that age.
I was like you with my eldest and I was so exhausted I thought I'd die. I cracked and started giving him bottles at 4 weeks. He wasn't any more settled though!! It wasn't a feeding thing - it was a sucking thing.
With my second I was a less pfb and gave her a dummy between feeds. (Originally I was the ultimate dummy snob!) OMG what a difference! I managed to breastfeed until shortly before I went back to work. (She did have one bottle of expressed milk from 6 weeks. )
Some babies are just very very sucky and I got two of them.
As for your husband ... it's his baby too so he gets some say. But they're your boobs so you get the final say.

I honestly think combi feeding saved me from having a nervous breakdown when DS was a newborn.

Aha. I did the same. Feed at every whimper and created some bad habits with DS1 which I only recognised with hindsight. If she has had a good feed (say 20-25 mins), your breasts are drained, you heard her sucking milk, then she should be able to go at least 90 mins if not longer. Try and find other ways of soothing her. Use a dummy. Carry her. Let her sleep in your arms.
Also look for hunger signs. Is she rooting? DS2 who is 6 weeks old has a very specific hunger cry that I recognise. It's very different from his 'I am exhausted and need to sleep' cry.

Also as soon as she is fed hand over to your partner. He can change the nappy, burp, settle, carry. If she is sleeping in his arms then you go and get a nap. Let him do literally everything other than feeding.

I feel your pain. DS2 would only settle if he was stuck on my book 24/7. I was exhausted. From two weeks I offered him a bottle every evening and eventually at six months he started taking it and sleeping 3 hours in addition to taking the dummy instead of waking every 30/60 min.

Do what feels best for you and your baby. Also try a dummy if she is feeding for comfort rather than food.

Don't listen to the people who are saying you'll have to give up breastfeeding. If you only offer one bottle a day, you're not going to loose your milk.

The thing is, that's what 5 week olds DO. They feed day and night constantly. That is why new mums say things like "my biggest achievement today was a shower!" and "I only managed 3 slices of toast eating one handed all day".

See... that's not necessarily true, though.

My EFF babies were going 3 hours between feeds easily enough at that age, sometimes 4. By no means did they feed constantly all day and especially not at night. I certainly couldn't manage to put them down much, and did the aren't I doing well because I managed to have a shower and a wee routine, but this picture a lot of posters paint doesn't correspond to my experience. They wanted held a lot, but not fed necessarily. Dare I say it, the other EFF babies I've been around of that age have been the same.

I am not saying FF babies never do as you've described, they do, but it doesn't seem to be a near given in the same way it does with EBF babies. There seems to be more variation.

Tends to be as soon as she cries I think she is hungry or she's passed back to me with "Mummy, DD is hungry now" I panic cos I don't want her to starve!

OP, you need sleep, energy and exercise (going for a walk etc).
Neglecting your needs will only get you down and you could be at further risk of PND.

I think your OH is taking advantage of your tiredness to keep you in a passive state.
It's easier to manipulate and gaslight someone when they're running on 'empty'.
He's manipulating this situation into making sure he gets 'his' way.

As others have said, to support you he needs to be doing more to enable you to look after yourself.
Instead he's trying to dodge responsibility,
He just wants to enjoy the 'good' bits and leave you to deal with the rest.

Speak to your HV about introducing some formula feeds into the baby's feeding routine.
Your OH can do the bottle feeds and learn to parent his own child - whether he likes it or not.

Hopefully it will also enable him to have some empathy and consideration for others.

Your dc has just pipped him to the No.1 spot so he doesn't have much choice except to accept it.

Iv ff one dc and bf two dc. Tbh if i had to do it again then baby would be getting bottle top up at 10pm by dh so i could get more than 2/3hours sleep

and my bf babies had dummies as they were so sucky