To formula feed baby despite OH's objections.

[Herbie22]

DD is 5 weeks old and exclusively breast fed. I am finding this tough because she is either on the boob or upset.
This is my first baby so I'm not sure what I am doing. I think she might not be getting enough from me as she needs near constant feeds. I would like to top her up with formula as I literally do nothing all day/night but feed her. I know that it's hard work a newborn but I can't even walk down the road to the shops without her screaming. I don't get to see anyone and it is making me sad and lonely.

I tried to speak to OH about this and he said that he doesn't want her on formula. He said that I am making enough milk because she is gaining weight. I don't think she is gaining it fast enough though which worries me.
I also wonder if she would sleep better if she was formula fed. I am up nearly all night feeding her at the moment which is another reason I think I'm not producing enough milk as she won't settle.
I don't want to give up BF completely. Maybe just supplement her feeding but at the moment I feel like I've lost all my zest for life because all I do is sit either on the sofa or on my bed feeding. It is also damaging my relationship with OH as we can't even have dinner without DD wanting to be fed (though I do feed her just before) and I'm starting to resent him getting to do things, even popping to Tesco, without a baby attached to him.
I know I sound horribly ungrateful as I am so blessed to have DD! I just want to be able to do things other than feed her!

first of all, your body, your choice ! Whilst i am in the pro breast feeding camp i also also believe fed is best and is a very personal decision.

Have you considered expressing milk and bottle feeding this way ? DP can also help with feeds then and may help you get some much needed rest - or let you pop out for some "you" time. I know they don't recommend going between breast/bottle ebm for the first 6 weeks but there are lots of good quality products on the market designed to stop nipple/teat confusion - its about finding what best for you and baby.

I actually read this article that a friend posted on facebook www.herfamily.ie/parenthood/pressures-routines-sleep-blame-low-breastfeeding-rates-267077 and i found the difference in opinion refreshing and allot of it made sense. As a nation we are so focused on routine - how often baby is sleeping, how often they are feeding etc etc. DP is right - if baby is putting on weight you are making enough breast milk, try not to worry, sounds like you are doing a fab job :)

Have you had her checked for a tongue tie? My first ds had this and would feed for hours but not be satisfied, wouldn't sleep for more than a few minutes at a time etc. Once that was sorted out he was a much happier baby and we continued to breastfeed for 6 months.

The only time I could get expressed milk was if I did it first thing in the morning before I fed dd. Then had a half hour gap before feeding. Just FYI. But I didn't start expressing until my milk supply was very well established so not before 2 months.

Herbie22 is great that he is obsessed with the baby and usually does 50% of the chores.

However he needs to know that you are currently at the toughest time of breastfeeding. The best way he can help the baby he is obsessed with is:

Doing 100% of the chores
Treating you like a queen
Being emotionally supportive and truly listening to you
Reading up on BF on sites like Kellymom so he can be helpful and rational
Understanding a joke is only funny if someone else is laughing
Acknowledging that much as he loves this baby, this is the fourth trimester and he is not the primary person in this baby's life right now

I have a 5 week old who's mixed fed and has been since day 3. I'm confident in my choice having mixed fed her big sister to 10 months. Both children had tongue tie, separated at 2/3 weeks. I have pcos which I think doesn't help with supply. I feel I'm not a great breastfeeder. On just BM dd would snack all day so on and off for most of the day. I'd still be able to have a shower though, but I wouldn't get out to the shops and back without her wanting milk.

I think your baby cluster feeding is normal, but if she's feeding all the time she's awake, that's not normal. A good latch makes a real difference, but of the 10+ midwives I've seen, I only have confidence in one of their abilities to help with latch. It's a shame that you haven't quite found the specialist support that might make things easier.

If DH wants to insist on your baby being exclusively breastfed, he'll need to start lactating himself, or maybe find a wet nurse. This is your decision.

I think introducing limited formula wouldn't hurt, but I wonder whether you might regret it later. I think persevering a little longer might be a good idea but it's your call. I wouldn't just have the same week again though. Try something different, specialist support and/or getting DH to take baby out in pushchair/car so she can sleep and you can have a break.

good advice from pp here - check for a tongue tie, it is one thing that is so easily missed xx

LRD you don't half talk a lot of sense

The midwife told me to supplement my BF as while I had milk I didn't have much. My sister had loads of milk she could express and fill bottle after bottle even after feeding her DD but I never got more then a few drops of.milk when expressing.

My moment of realisation came a few weeks in when I have DD a bottle for bed. She fell asleep and slept 8hrs straight. Then I woke up and expressed a full bottle. I could have cried. I obviously didn't quite have enough milk so we started on formula bottle for bed and DD was a different baby and BF became a whole lot less stressful. I never got more then 1 bottle expressed and was terribly jealous of my sister but in hindsight that was just.my body and baby and me managed to work out a solution to keep everyone happy.

Trust your instincts. There's nothing wrong with formula.

Also personally if my DH had said he didn't want to use formula is have told him to BF himself Then! Being a new parent is hard u need support not criticism.

I found this "pump" great for expressing - hands free and you stick it on the other boob while you're feeding so time isn't an issue.

www.amazon.co.uk/Haakaa-Silicone-Breast-Pump/dp/B01N4OZPYK?tag=mumsnetforum-21

I find that I need to play with the angle a bit when I first put it on to get it working properly but that's it.

OP I feel your pain. My DD is now almost 16 weeks and i was where you are.

What saved my sanity as getting a sling. Meant she would sleep long enough so i could get out. (Also can feed her in ot)

If you do decide to top up with formula then thats your choice. I talked about what feeding methods with DH but if i had wanted to use formula to give myself a break then i would have regardless what he said. He wasn't the one who was feeling drained.

Do what makes you most comfortable. When he'e personally experienced 5 weeks with a baby clamped to his nipple for what seems like 20 hours out of 24, then he can lay down the law about what you should be doing.

I'm so glad I started all mine on formula. I would have resented having to breast feed. Your baby so your choice. Everyone else can mind their own business!!!

YADNBU. If you don't want to carry on, don't. Breastfeeding is great if it's working out, but if you're feeling that you're not getting to leave the house and it's making you unhappy, it's absolutely fine to call it a day and crack out the bottles and formula.

FWIW my DD was almost exclusively formula fed, she's a bright, happy, wonderful toddler. If you put the babies from our NCT group together you couldn't pick out the breastfed ones!

I agree with so much of what's being said here and your sheer exhaustion screams out from your posts OP, I really feel for you. Your DP is not supporting you and that makes what is already a hellish time for you even worse, it must be incredibly lonely and you shouldn't be having to find mental energy you don't have to fight your corner with him on top of everything else.

There's been a lot of wise advice on this thread, NapQueen's list of things your DP should be doing, all of LRD's post and the numerous posters saying your breasts, your decision and that whatever method of feeding keeps both mother and baby happy and healthy is best. I can't add much to that but those posters are absolutely right and you mustn't let your DP make you doubt it.

The only advice I can give is that you need to resolve the issue you have with DP because you can't carry on battling through each day on no sleep, no time for even the most basic of things for yourself, no respite and battle DP imposing conditions which make this even harder for you on top.

What you decide about feeding has to be just that, your decision so we need to find a way to make DP see that and support you instead of fighting you. How you do that depends on the dynamic of your relationship I suppose, in my relationship it would likely involve me having a bit of a meltdown and letting him have it full force that I was at breaking point, that it was coming down to a stark choice between formula and my mental health and that he needs to decide whether he's going to support me or contribute to my decline. It baffles me in situations like this how someone can suddenly show such lack of care for the woman they chose to have a child and a life with.

I don't know if that would work for you with your DP OP, I know my DH would react to it with deep shame that he'd been so blind to my needs but only you know whether that's what's going on with your DP or whether there's a deeper problem.

I hope you find a way forward and that things get easier really soon

He is now telling DD "Mummy said she doesn't like you anymore." I know he's saying it as a joke but am feeling a bit fragile and wishing I hadn't mentioned formula!

I'm getting the rage just reading that! If he tries that passive aggressive shit again say "no dd, Mummy just doesn't like Daddy anymore. you wouldn't either if you could understand what he is saying". Fucker.

breastfeeding can be hard at the beginning. It also isn't worth jeopardising your physical or mental health for it. I b-fed 3 children and felt like you did with my middle one. It was different to the others - got to the point I was dreading her - not good for anyone. So at around 6 weeks I introduced formula and we had a much nicer time from then on. Do what suits you - not your husband.

Are you sure that this is all linked to breast feeding? My DS was formula fed from 3 days but he was exactly the same for months - I was either holding him or he was screaming. He had reflux and was a 'Velcro baby'.

Apart from the issues relating to your OH, I'd think it's worth talking to a Health Visitor or a doctor to see what could be affecting the baby.

It's not exactly normal to be this fussy and attached at 5 weeks, IMO.

Regarding the weight, remember that breast fed babies often don't gain weight as fast as formula fed babies. Did you check against a bf chart?

Sorry to hear your DP is being so unsupportive, OP.

Combination feeding was absolutely, without question, the best thing I did with my DD. I certainly never had any issues in terms of it affecting my supply and was able to carry on breastfeeding my DD for months and months longer than I would have done if I had been trying to struggle on exclusively breastfeeding. Even just one formula top-up a day can lift an enormous pressure off and actually make the rest of the breastfeeds feel like more of a pleasure than a chore. Plus your baby is still getting all the benefits of breastmilk. For me, it was absolutely the best of both worlds and a win-win. I do remember 5 weeks being a particularly tough time, though, and I think breastfeeding suddenly 'clicked' for us at about 7 weeks. Still carried on mixing bf and formula top ups, though, as it just worked so well for us.

You are doing brilliantly and, quite frankly, unless your DP can suddenly start lactating and taking over some of the breastfeeds himself, his opinion and preferences HAVE to come second to yours. Comments like the one he's made to your DD are (clearly absolute bollocks) utterly unacceptable.

Soon you will find that things will improve. Your babe will take larger less frequent feeds as you both get in synch. But if you are not prepared to wait for this, then clearly you do have the choice to stop and formula feed. I think that half and half will make it take longer to get settled into a proper routine with the BF. Your OH is trying to do the best for the baby, and that is a good thing.

With a first baby things do take a while to settle and there is this sense of panic....will I ever get to have a normal shower/wee? - will this babe be sucking at my boobs all the time for ever? Once you've already had one baby you do feel secure that things will settle. So, I think you should have faith that things will settle and the BF will go to plan soon. But you can choose to go for formula if that feels right to you.

I tried to speak to OH about this and he said that he doesn't want her on formula.

How cute of him. Is he prepared to lactate?

I say this as bf mum- do what works for your health and sanity. If her latch is right and there's no tongue tie or allergies etc and you're just not getting on with it, formula is a perfectly sensible choice.

I haven't read the thread (and I hope someone has already said this) but IMHO you're "feeding" her too much. If you've just fed and she cries she'll be crying for attention not because she's hungry. You don't have to feed her every time she cries. I strongly recommend getting a wrap, snuggling her up in there and bouncing her around a bit. No boob required.

I don't understand this. Are you saying you need your husbands permission to formula feed...he won't let you...is that right?

By your own admission, he's spoiled. Put your foot down NOW and let him know this is NOT about him and his wishes. And as for his comment to your child about mummy not liking her...I have no words.

Shes your baby and you know whats best for her simple as that. Do what ever you think is best. Good luck OP.

I have an 8 month who has been exclusively breastfed - in the beginning I did nothing but BF - basically all the time...it is normal. My baby was also the baby that always was screaming or at least that is the way it felt. Happy to say that is not nor has it been the case for a long time. You should do what is right for you and baby. My husband was the opposite of yours and wanted me to formula feed but at the end of the day it is your choice. Within my NCT group we had a mix of FF, EBF and combinations - all babies were up for hours at night and they all have different sleeping habits even now, no correlation to how they are fed. I would say (from my very limited experience -FTM) routine is key. The first few months are so hard. If you can - get out...get a cape if not confident feeding in public yet and go for coffees/cake...baby can sit and nuzzle on the whole time. On the other hand my SIL is french and is completely FF, her baby sleeps 6 hours a night at 5 weeks but she has never fed her baby more than once every 4 hours which is french guidance but goes against the UK guidance. Both her baby and mine will be healthy and happy - we just have different ways we want to care for our little ones, no right or wrong. Good luck!

Tell him to go and get a court order forcing you to breast feed if he feels that strongly