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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To formula feed baby despite OH's objections.

513 replies

Herbie22 · 29/05/2017 17:08

DD is 5 weeks old and exclusively breast fed. I am finding this tough because she is either on the boob or upset.
This is my first baby so I'm not sure what I am doing. I think she might not be getting enough from me as she needs near constant feeds. I would like to top her up with formula as I literally do nothing all day/night but feed her. I know that it's hard work a newborn but I can't even walk down the road to the shops without her screaming. I don't get to see anyone and it is making me sad and lonely.

I tried to speak to OH about this and he said that he doesn't want her on formula. He said that I am making enough milk because she is gaining weight. I don't think she is gaining it fast enough though which worries me.
I also wonder if she would sleep better if she was formula fed. I am up nearly all night feeding her at the moment which is another reason I think I'm not producing enough milk as she won't settle.
I don't want to give up BF completely. Maybe just supplement her feeding but at the moment I feel like I've lost all my zest for life because all I do is sit either on the sofa or on my bed feeding. It is also damaging my relationship with OH as we can't even have dinner without DD wanting to be fed (though I do feed her just before) and I'm starting to resent him getting to do things, even popping to Tesco, without a baby attached to him.
I know I sound horribly ungrateful as I am so blessed to have DD! I just want to be able to do things other than feed her!

OP posts:
Roomba · 30/05/2017 14:15

Your spoilt DH want you to BF as it gives him the perfect opportunity to not pull his weight. He may well do half the household chores, but subconsciously (or even consciously) sees babies as women's work. You aren't his equal with valid opinions and feelings any more, you are just 'Mummy' now. Can you see that?

He may have contributed 50% of your DD's genes, but you are doing 100% of the feeding here, so it is only right that what you say goes. Unless you are doing something that is dangerous (ie not sterilising bottles correctly), he needs to butt right out. It's YOUR body. If he wants your DD to be 100% BF then he needs to take over his 50% to give you a break (I jest, but it is actually possible Shock).

As for telling your DD Mummy doesn't love her any more, I have no words! That is horrendous behaviour. Trust me, you need to stand your ground here or in a few years time he will be expecting you to defer to him on everything while you struggle on miserably. I've been there. Many abusive men only start to show signs during pregnancy or shortly after birth - my abusive ex was a wonderful person until I gave birth, and it all started just like this. Making me do everything for the baby as I was BF so the slightest cry and he was handed back over to me. DS cluster fed forever so I never got a second to myself, day or night. All under the guise of it being best for DS. Nip this in the bud now before it gets too hard to resolve things.

BF is great - I was a volunteer peer supporter at one point. But your needs deserve equal consideration with your DD's needs. If you are desperately unhappy and exhausted, that isn't helping your DD, is it? Or your relationship with your DH either. I do hope he isn't going to start moaning that you are too tired for sex or to spend quality time with him...

LagunaBubbles · 30/05/2017 14:23

Personally I strongly believe BF is best for a child and formula is rubbish and helping to fuel the obesity crisis. I also think BF is one of the things worth persevering with because it's so good for your child...we seemed to have stopped believing we should make sacrifices for our children which is a sad reflection on modern society

And personally I find people that need to come on a thread and try and dictate to an exhausted Mother how to feed their own child by heaping on the guilt in the process a sad reflection on some people in our society.

Original poster
Herbie22 · 30/05/2017 14:30

Newbian
I understand what you are saying. I had anxiety throughout my life and it has been transferred from one focus point to another. As soon as one problem is fixed I'll find another. I can almost tell you what was my fixiation at any point during my life.

I really enjoyed breastfeeding. It's just the clusters that I am finding difficult. There doesn't seem to be any respite. If she would take a bottle ( she has had a few expressed bottles) and I could have a bath ect I think it would make the world of difference.

OP posts:
WellErrr · 30/05/2017 14:42

Herbie have you spoken to a peer supporter of lactation consultant about it yet?

WellErrr · 30/05/2017 14:43

*or

mineallmine · 30/05/2017 14:53

Yes I really get the breast is best thing and had intended to bf my baby. However my mother got very sick just before he was born and I needed to be able to leave him with dh to care for my mother after he was born so had to ff. I have NO regrets. He's now a strapping 16 year old, not now or ever was the slightest bit overweight and has had 2 antibiotics his whole life (he got my constitution.)
When it's working well, breastfeeding is wonderful and when it isn't, there's a great alternative that means your baby will continue to thrive.
And tell that husband of yours to never EVER speak to your child about you in that manner ever again. That is a shifty and horrible thing to do at a time when you are feeling exhausted, emotional and hormonal. That would go on my list of things that I might forgive (if he is very very sorry and understands how horrible that was) but will never forget. My husband put 2 things on my list and both when, like you, I was vulnerable. That comment was really not on.

VestalVirgin · 30/05/2017 14:53

He is now telling DD "Mummy said she doesn't like you anymore." I know he's saying it as a joke but am feeling a bit fragile and wishing I hadn't mentioned formula!

He does WHAT?

You need to get rid of him. Perhaps she doesn't yet understand what he is saying (but perhaps she does!), but if that's how he talks to a baby, how will he talk to a toddler?
It is not only emotional abuse against you (you wish you had not uttered an opinion of your own? This is a red flag!), it is also something horrible to say to a child.

He forces you to breastfeed her, which makes you stressed out and desperate (not letting someone sleep is a method of torture!), and then blames you for not being happy enough about having a baby, when YOU do all the work?

Haven't read the whole thread, and hope you already did it, but in case you haven't: Stop doing anything in the household at all. Including preparing meals. If your OH works outside the house and can't cook for you, order pizza.

Start expressing milk so he can feed your DD at nights.

Then see if he persists in his opinion.

(If he refuses to take over all the other work, just put her on formula immediately. If he refuses to bottlefeed her, you know he's no support and you can get rid of him without losing anything much in the way of support.)

mineallmine · 30/05/2017 14:55

Ps Yes yes to the suggestion that you don't decide to stop bf on a bad day.

mineallmine · 30/05/2017 14:55

Ps Yes yes to the suggestion that you don't decide to stop bf on a bad day.

Lweji · 30/05/2017 15:56

Yes, I wouldn't simply stop now, if for the most part bf is going well.

I would give maybe one bottle a day to start with to see if it helps and to have some rest.

Not a problem if you do decide to stop now, of course, but I wouldn't want to make a rash decision and then regret it later.

picklemepopcorn · 30/05/2017 15:58

I haven't read the whole thread. I'm not a breastfeeding counsellor, just a mum whose done it.

Firstly, your boobs, your choice.
However before you decide, check a couple of things out. If she is gaining weight and producing wet nappies, she is fine despite all her antics! I think babies can be drama merchants- they love their mummy and want to be attached to her at all times, but the world isn't actually ending when she is not latched on.

  1. Have you tried a dummy? Some babies just want to suckle all the time. I had to help mine keep it in at first, but they soon got the knack, and my nipples thanked me for it.
  1. You can safely go away from her for an hour. If you want to go to tesco and have a coffee, leave her with DH. He needs to learn how to settle her, anyway. It's important dads get solo time with their babies for all sorts of reasons. It helps them avoid being interfering gits apart from anything else.

Lastly, your boobs your choice. For me, breast feeding was the easiest option (I bottle fed two fostered babies, and found it messy and expensive).

Did I mention, your boobs, your choice?

WellThisIsShit · 30/05/2017 16:21

Does your partner actually recognize how exhausted you are? And how unsustainable this is?

Can you spell it out very very clearly and see if that sinks in? Or have you already done this?

Sounds like he's used to getting his own way in everything, and hasn't had to stop and notice others pain and desperation before.

Either he can stop and realise what his edicts are doing to you, and that maybe his partner collapsing with exhaustion isn't a good thing to happen... or he's an arse.

Good luck, whatever you decide to do. I hope your partner can become more supportive than his current spoilt ickle child behaviour.

Pallisers · 30/05/2017 16:58

we seemed to have stopped believing we should make sacrifices for our children which is a sad reflection on modern society

Maybe you have stopped believing in sacrificing things for your children which is a sad reflection on YOU. But I haven't and most women I know haven't and the OP certainly hasn't. wanker comment to make to a woman who is struggling with a 5 week old.

MitzyLeFrouf · 30/05/2017 17:01

Wanker comment indeed.

TheLegendOfBeans · 30/05/2017 17:13

we seemed to have stopped believing we should make sacrifices for our children which is a sad reflection on modern society

Why do we equate martyrdom with motherhood?
Why does the greater the struggle/sacrifice mean the better the mother?
Why shouldn't mums do what they can to save their mental health?
But - and I really freakin' do mean this in isolation - why on earth if something is a stressless alternative would you not choose that?

I'm not saying that ff is the "easy way" FWIW; it's just that this "sufferance" attitude has popped up on a few threads on here of late and it grates my yams like nothing else.

Bet these holier-than-thous also "love a chuckle" at the Unmumsy Mums/Hurrah for Gins of this world whilst crucifying those who dare cut themselves some slack IRL.

Sorry, derailing rant over, kisses x

WellThisIsShit · 30/05/2017 17:28

Pallisers thanks for highlighting that comment as I'd missed it. It deserves highlighting in order to show how wrong it is.

No, we haven't stopped making sacrifices for our children. What has happened is weve stoppped recognizing the true nature of the sacrifice, in the rush to ignore and minimize what amazing strength and self sacrifice parents (mums particularly) do on a daily basis.

WellThisIsShit · 30/05/2017 17:30

Also agree with TheLegend in that making sacrifice-as-standard creates a skewed version of motherhood. It's all got rather out of whack in both ways...

UnbornMortificado · 30/05/2017 17:32

And personally I find people that need to come on a thread and try and dictate to an exhausted Mother how to feed their own child by heaping on the guilt in the process a sad reflection on some people in our society.*

This x 1 million.

FWIW Herbie I remember a BF thread where a poster had, had a full mastectomy. Some posters still thought it was fine to lecture her on the benefits of breastfeeding.

Because everyone knows they just grow back Hmm

NotYoda · 30/05/2017 17:41

I think parenthood is a long haul and a bit of self-protection at 5 weeks in is permissible in the grand scheme of things

My oldest is 16 and we've had 16 years of different decisions to mull over. What he was fed in the first few weeks is only one of them. An dnot the biggest, by a long chalk (though it feels that way at the time)

Neutrogena · 30/05/2017 17:44

It is bugger anybody else's opinion how you choose to feed your child. Do what is right for you, your baby and your mental health. Yanbu.

Should the father not get any say?
I don't understand this 'It's MY baby. I'm the mother and it's MY baby'
Surely the other parent has a valid opinion?

NotYoda · 30/05/2017 17:46

Neutrogena

That one's been answered many times

NotYoda · 30/05/2017 17:47

In fact, the whole thread pretty much hinges on answering that question. Did you read the thread?

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 30/05/2017 17:51

Should he get an equal say on what his partner does with her boobs, though, @Neutrogena? Because that's the problem here - the OP's partner wants her to go on doing something that he can't do at all, so can't help with directly, that is leaving her exhausted and unable to detach the baby from her boobs for long enough to get a shower.

That, to me, makes it different to him expecting to have an equal say on discipline, or schooling, or diet post-weaning.

NotYoda · 30/05/2017 17:56

SDTG

Darn it! You answered. make her read the whole thing like us poor buggers have had to Grin

lelapaletute · 30/05/2017 17:57

Sorry OP haven't RTFT as it's waaay long. But had to say:

  1. please don't worry your daughter isn't getting enough, if she's gaining weight and has lots of wet and dirty nappies, she's fine. Her behaviour is normal - exhausting, infuriating and totally draining, but normal! Hug

  2. your breasts, your choice. Formulaay not give you the peace you crave, as bad idea feed for any number of reasons not all of them hunger - you may find baby just as needy for your closeness and smell even if they have formula in their belly. But if you want to try it to claw back some normality, you do that. He should be supporting you as much as possible to stay mentally and physically well, not bullying and blackmailing you.

  3. the thing about you not loving her any more... Is shit. Unbelievable thing to say. Please make it very clear to him that sort of remark is UNACCEPTABLE.