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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

BF coming in when I'm in the shower!

246 replies

RedheadLover · 29/05/2017 14:38

My BF has a rather irritating habit of coming the bathroom when I'm in the shower and I really don't like it. I don't think there's anything sexual about it (honestly!), he just doesn't seem to think it's a big deal if he wants to come in and talk to me while I'm washing my hair or whatever.

I've told him I don't appreciate being walked in on and would actually rather have the time to myself. He thought this was strange and said 'it's not like I've never seen you naked before' Angry but has reluctantly agreed not to keep walking in on me.

So today, rather than bursting in as usual, he was knocking on the door. I could hear he was saying something but couldn't make out the words over the sound of the water and the music I had on. Figuring it must be something important as we'd only just had a conversation about how I prefer not to be bothered while showering, I got out of the shower (conditioner still on), wrapped myself in a towel and traipsed across to the door (leaving a trail of water) to see what he wanted.

The message which he'd found so vital to relay to me was that the pizza he'd put in for lunch would be ready in ten minutes Confused

He says I'm ungrateful because he only wanted to let me know so it wouldn't get cold. I think he should have waited until I was out the shower to tell me lunch was ready!

AIBU to be annoyed and to wish I could have just fifteen minutes of privacy?! Does anyone else's partner do this?

OP posts:
Justaboy · 29/05/2017 15:24

Shirley the only reason a man would go forth into ye shower is to ravish and cherish his ladie:-)

Any other reason is very suspect;(.

YetAnotherSpartacus · 29/05/2017 15:24

I can kind of understand him telling you about the pizza only being 10 minutes tbh, he didn't know how long you'd be in the shower did he? Imo that is not unreasonable

Nah - he was too fucking stupid to realise he should not put it in the oven until it was a reasonable guesstimate that she's be ready to eat it.

Titterofwit · 29/05/2017 15:24

Am I the only one wondering if there will now be an emergency that the BF will NOT report until its too late .
"But you told me not to disturb you and I didnt think this qualified as an emergency"
as the housecat gets out or the dinner has burned.

SummerMummy88 · 29/05/2017 15:25

I Don't think I have had a peaceful shower in at least ten years, when I am having a bath my three year old thinks it's great and uses it like a water table I'm usually covered in dinosaurs lol 😂

TheLionQueen1 · 29/05/2017 15:25

I can't have a bath without my DH popping in and having a chat sitting on the loo Grin Doesn't bother me really but can see why you would want your privacy!

NoLoveofMine · 29/05/2017 15:26

He stopped coming into the bathroom when you're in the shower after you asked him, then he made you lunch and told that it was almost ready?

He reluctantly agreed after first complaining and insinuating the OP was wrong to ask for privacy whilst showering, then put a pizza in the oven without checking when she'd be ready to eat it.

indigox · 29/05/2017 15:26

I'd say most people would expect to be able to come into the bathroom when their partner is in there.

Confused
ElinorRigby · 29/05/2017 15:26

I find it slightly weird that people are happy with inserting genitals, mingling body fluids etc. But if the same person wanders in while you're in the bath or shower to tell you something that's violating your personal space.

YetAnotherSpartacus · 29/05/2017 15:27

But you told me not to disturb you and I didnt think this qualified as an emergency" as the housecat gets out or the dinner has burned

Oh Goddess yet. That is the epitome of passive aggression.

I Don't think I have had a peaceful shower in at least ten years, when I am having a bath my three year old thinks it's great and uses it like a water table I'm usually covered in dinosaurs lol

OK - but that's up to you. Personally I teach / uphold boundaries.

NoLoveofMine · 29/05/2017 15:29

I find it slightly weird that people are happy with inserting genitals, mingling body fluids etc. But if the same person wanders in while you're in the bath or shower to tell you something that's violating your personal space.

How is that "weird" in the slightest? Just as consenting to what you describe on one occasion doesn't mean it's been granted on another, neither does it mean you're perfectly happy for that person to barge in on you in the shower whenever it takes their fancy.

Original poster
RedheadLover · 29/05/2017 15:29

ElinorRigby - Yes, that was my BF's point too! I don't agree though.

OP posts:
Original poster
RedheadLover · 29/05/2017 15:30

My thoughts exactly, NoLoveOfMine.

OP posts:
YetAnotherSpartacus · 29/05/2017 15:30

I find it slightly weird that people are happy with inserting genitals, mingling body fluids etc. But if the same person wanders in while you're in the bath or shower to tell you something that's violating your personal space

Yes means yes, no means no. There are some places and spaces where it is expected that there will be no privacy and others where there is. Saying yes to one does not mean saying yes to another and where the OP has said 'no' then that should be respected.

FrenchMartiniTime · 29/05/2017 15:34

I'm just imagining some poor bloke somewhere innocently eating a pizza while he's being called a controlling asshole on the internet by a bunch of strangers.

Do you think he's on dadsnet slagging his GF off to other men about how batshit she is?

Grin
elevenclips · 29/05/2017 15:36

I should think it's something completely alien to him op which is why it's been so hard for him to understand.

My dh gets in the bath and calls for me to come and sit in the bathroom so we can chat whilst he's in the bath. So you can see that from the perspective of a person like that, privacy is completely unexpected and unwanted.

Somerford · 29/05/2017 15:38

He reluctantly agreed after first complaining and insinuating the OP was wrong to ask for privacy whilst showering, then put a pizza in the oven without checking when she'd be ready to eat it.

It doesn't matter whether he "reluctantly" agreed, he agreed. Emotive language doesn't undo that. He agreed to the request. As for putting the pizza in the oven, it's probably a £3 frozen pizza. Not the end of the world if OP doesn't eat it so he's put it in the oven when he got hungry and told OP that it'd be there for her in 10 minutes if she wanted it. If she wants to stay in the bathroom for a longer routine (shaving legs or whatever) then fine but its not unreasonable at all for him to put a pizza in the oven or to tell her that it would be ready soon. It's certainly not controlling or passive aggressive. Just think about that. Putting a pizza in the oven = controlling behaviour. Really.

WhatToDoAboutThis2017 · 29/05/2017 15:38

This wouldn't bother me at all. DH and I often wander in and out when the other is in the shower.

MrsTerryPratchett · 29/05/2017 15:39

Small things sometimes indicate big things. Boundaries are important even f they are not the same as other people's boundaries. Just because someone is fucking you, doesn't mean you don't have boundaries any more.

IME when I've dated men who ignore the small boundaries, even seemingly for good reasons, they invariably start thinking they are allowed to break some bigger ones.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 29/05/2017 15:39

Why is it weird to not want to shower or shit in front of someone? Surely everyone is entitled to their own boundaries? I find it more weird that people struggle with that Grin

Judydreamsofhorses · 29/05/2017 15:39

We only ever lock the bathroom door if there are guests in the house, but always knock if one or the other of us is in the bath/shower and the other needs to come in. I'm a fan of a two-hour bath, while my partner will happily stay in the shower until the water's run off, and we only have one bathroom, so we are pretty laid back about it.

AmenacingWhistle · 29/05/2017 15:40

I had this with an ex. It drove me insane.
In the end it turned out to be a red flag in my case. He ended up being a controlling abusive cunt.

SapphireStrange · 29/05/2017 15:40

Is it not quite easy to understand? The OP likes a bit of time, in the shower, to herself.

It doesn't matter a jot that they otherwise, in other context, share body fluids etc. What a stupid argument.

It also doesn't matter if it doesn't bother you –it bothers the OP.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 29/05/2017 15:41

Also it's how you were brought up. We had a toilet just outside the house so it was unthinkable for me to have wandered into the toilet when one of my parents was in there. Therefore I hate not having privacy

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 29/05/2017 15:42

And the argument about sharing bodily fluids etc is like saying that because you had kinky sex, then you don't get to object in the future

irregularegular · 29/05/2017 15:43

Gosh this is an odd thread.

All he did was try to tell that that lunch was nearly ready! I guess he hadn't realised that you wouldn't be able to hear him in the shower. Bit dozy maybe, but hardly a hanging offence.

He'd agreed not to come in after you asked him and he didn't. So what's the problem? I know people keep saying he was reluctant, but maybe it was just a really odd concept to him! It certainly is to me.

I don't consider the shower to be a particularly private place. If DH wants to ask me something he will come in and ask. So will I. In the morning he often brings a cup of tea ready for when I come out. It would not occur to me to ask him not to. If he asked for privacy I would be amazed and it might come across as reluctant.

People are reading an awful lot into this.

On the other hand, there may be other issues. There usually are. In fact there must be, otherwise this just wouldn't be a thing!

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