Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7

Original poster

AIBU to stay single as no one will match up to my ex?

158 replies

pinkandwhite26 · 29/05/2017 11:13

I broke up with my ex last year but we've stayed in touch and see each other sporadically. We broke up because he didn't want a relationship and we moved apart. I've travelled to see him since and vice versa. I'm 28 and he is 30.

I've done a bit of dating but it seems pointless and it just highlights to me how much I miss my ex and how he is perfect. I honestly don't see that I'll meet anyone else that matches up to him.

I'm happy other areas of my life and happy single at the moment but I do want children and eventually I want to meet someone. I can see that there would be benefits to meeting someone that I really like who also wants to commit to me. But meeting other men just makes me so upset as they're not him and we don't have the same connection.

AIBU to just accept that no one else will measure up to my ex and just stop bothering?

OP posts:

honeyroar · 29/05/2017 16:55

Yes what kind of friends tell you someone who won't commit and sleeps with other people is perfect for you!!

Seriously, you're never going to find Mr Right while your head is fixated on Mr Wrong (I know from experience!). You need to be on your own for a while, get over him, find your feet. These strung out break ups are the worst, much easier to be angry and walk away!

dustmotesinthesun · 29/05/2017 17:02

Have you read the book 'He's not that into you?'

You really need to. It's a quick read and it might save you years of unhappiness. It's very painful to twig that the person you are infatuated with isn't that into you. But it's liberating too. It frees you. You deserve to be with someone who is very much into you. And someone else will come along eventually.

Go no contact. Ban yourself from dating for at least 6 months to a year. It's miserable shagging other men when you only really want someone else. Do as much as you can in the next year to have lots and lots of fun. Travel, read great books, invest in your friendships. Write a novel. Do anything. Just make the most of life.

After that I think you'll find yourself forgetting this guy and ready to move on. It hurts, I get it - I've been there. But this isn't going anywhere and at worst he could string you along for years using you for sex. Life is far too short for that kind of thing. You really don't want to be late thirties, childless if you want children and to be sat wishing you'd not been so blooming stupid as to get hooked on someone who didn't really want you.

TheNaze73 · 29/05/2017 17:03

Your ex doesn't give a fuck about you op. Wake up

Atenco · 29/05/2017 17:09

Sorry I haven't read the entire thread, but I used to use my inrequited loves as a bar to measure any new boyfriend. Would I keep them or leave if my unrequited love suddenly declared his passion for me.

And nobody is perfect

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 29/05/2017 17:16

This ship has truly sailed OP.

crazykitten20 · 29/05/2017 17:23

He will never want a relationship with you. He will never want to marry you. He likes having sex with you and he is treading water and using you until .... whatever happens , happens. With someone else.

Believe me ....I'm right 😉😊😜

He's just not that into you.

Your choice to do what pleases you. But I'd look at how ^^ affects your self respect.

Imo - of course!

Sierra259 · 29/05/2017 17:28

I wholeheartedly agree with dust in that you need to focus on yourself for a bit. It is so, so hard but long-term it's the only way you're going to get over this guy. To get over my unrequited "love" (because it actually wasn't) I joined the gym and lost almost a stone, bought some lovely new clothes on shopping trips with sisters and mates, took a holiday and took the opportunity to reconnect with friends I'd lost touch with. Interestingly, that 6 months I had more guys show interest in me than probably in the previous 5 years combined! It wasn't reciprocated by me until I agreed to a date with a guy from work, who is now DH. Funnily, unrequited guy also suddenly rekindled his interest at that point, but by then I'd had the distance to see that there were much better options for me out there than him.

Please tell him how you feel so you know for sure one way or the other, and if it doesn't work out the way you'd like, get him out of your life for good. Good luck

Imamouseduh · 29/05/2017 17:31

Saying he's not ready for a relationship really just means he's not ready for a relationship with you. He could meet the right person tomorrow and suddenly be magically ready. Sorry if that sounds harsh. Don't waste any more of your time on him. You will eventually get over him (if you stop seeing him) and meet someone better.

SouthWindsWesterly · 29/05/2017 17:40

He's not perfect. He doesn't seem to connect the emotional connection women can attach to sex. Actually, if I'm really harsh, he probably does seeing no. As you were in a relationship before. He just doesn't care.

Which kind of kills the perfect image. He doesn't care that you can be emotionally hurt by his having sex.

Stop having sex with him. And stop seeing him - the best way to have a clean break when there's no children involved is to have a complete break, at least until the wounds start to heal.

Let yourself heal. Refind you outside of this wishful relationship because it is wishful, not potential.

TinselTwins · 29/05/2017 17:51

Word of warning OP: if you pull back, stop having sex with him, and distance yourself, what men like this do next is often to elude to the vague possibility that they miss you and might be ready to settle down with you soon…. it's bullshit! Make yourself emotionally and sexually available again and he will go back to being less interested in you!

Original poster

pinkandwhite26 · 29/05/2017 18:34

The problem is that I've done all the things..: I've had lots of break ups before.

I've read 'He's just not that into you'. I've travelled alone. I've read lots of books. I moved to a new city with a new job, new house and new friends for gods sake.

In all the other areas I'm very happy.

But I still think about my ex all the time.

OP posts:

HattiesBackpack · 29/05/2017 18:38

Then you need to ask him to commit to a relationship.

TinselTwins · 29/05/2017 18:38

But I still think about my ex all the time you're thinking about him because you saw him last week
The longest you've tried without contact was just 12 weeks.
OF COURSE you think about him all the time - that's not a sign that he's the one, its just a sign that you haven't given yourself space to forget him (actually no: its a sign that he's not LETTING you forget him!!!! - not because he likes you in a relationship way, he just likes keeping his back-up sex ex on call!)

PoorYorick · 29/05/2017 19:13

But I still think about my ex all the time.

That's because you see him and sleep with him all the time!

honeyroar · 29/05/2017 19:16

You're thinking about him because to you he's not your ex. In your head he's your boyfriend (only he doesn't want to be). Hes not your ex because you've not cut ties or got him out of your system. It wasn't a break up at all, it was just him saying he didn't want a relationship with you then continuing to string you along... You need a conversation with him to see where you really stand and whether he's changed his mind.

Sierra259 · 29/05/2017 19:25

Moving to a new city with a new job and new friends has not stopped you seeing and sleeping with him though! The space is literal, but not actually achieving anything if you're still meeting up to have a dinner and a shag on a regular basis. As a pp said, 12 weeks of little/no contact is really not that long unfortunately, and at the end of the day, a decent period of time (6 months +) completely non contact from him is the only thing that will start to dilute your feelings for him a bit.

IfNot · 29/05/2017 19:49

You are not giving you self the headspace to meet someone you really like, and who likes you back. Stop romanticising it.
If a man wants to be with you he will make it happen, Whether you're in another town, fresh out of jail , have 5 kids and sick in your hair. Doesn't matter.
If a man wants you he will do his damndest to have you. This man doesn't want you, not really.
So, dust yourself off and say " fuck him" .
Then you will suffer for a while, but it will wear off. You will feel better. You will meet someone who wants you as much as you want them.
I'm older than you and have made a twat of myself more times than I like to admit, but now my personal line in the sand is that if they don't show very clearly that they know I am amazing, I'm moving on.
This mindset eventually led to finding a man who just fucking loves me, and I have no doubts. I would never go back to half arsed " not ready to commit" scenarios for all the tea in China.

Don't waste your best years !

BitchQueen90 · 29/05/2017 19:58

You need to stop seeing him though. Cut him off, block his number. If he gets in touch, tell him you're not interested.

He's seeing other women. One day he'll meet someone that he does want to be with. Don't let it get to that. How long do you want to hang onto this? What if it goes on for years and years until suddenly you find your chance to chance to meet someone else and have children is gone?

You don't have to go on dates with anyone else, in fact I think that's a bad idea when you're trying to get over someone. Just be by yourself and figure out what you want.

Umpteenthnamechange · 29/05/2017 20:01

Can you consider an experiment?

6 months of zero contact. Cold turkey. Not even one message. Nothing.

And then see what the results are?

The only rules would be -

(1) zero contact
(2) not giving in by thinking you'd still feel the same anyway so why bother

Vroomster · 29/05/2017 20:13

But I still think about my ex all the time.

Because you're still seeing him and having sex with him! 🙄

sadsquid · 29/05/2017 20:17

No you haven't done all the things. You haven't stopped seeing him. You haven't even stopped shagging him. You tried for three months, you didn't stop wanting him - all that tells you is it'll take longer than three months. Of course it will, you're in love with him. I took longer than three months to stop being a bit sad that Sainsbury's stopped selling my favourite naan bread.

You've done everything to make a clean break except for actually making the clean break. A new city, job etc. won't put him in the past if he keeps coming to see you!

TheCuriousOwl · 29/05/2017 21:00

Yep and you have to do the break and not think 'I will let myself see him in 6 months'. You have to say it will be never.

Because he doesn't want you. You can't change his mind.

PoorYorick · 29/05/2017 21:10

If a man wants to be with you he will make it happen, Whether you're in another town, fresh out of jail , have 5 kids and sick in your hair. Doesn't matter.
If a man wants you he will do his damndest to have you.

I really, really, really agree with this. And it's the reason I don't advise women to pursue men.

I know that sounds patronising, patriarchal, outdated etc and maybe it is. But in my experience, a man will pursue a woman he really, truly wants. But he will not be anywhere near so requiring about a woman who pursues him. If she's offering sex, like the OP, and easy intimacy, then Christ, he will most definitely take it. But it doesn't mean he truly likes or wants her or will mind too much if she goes. Whereas if he really does want someone, he will take action to get her.

Bitchqueen was 100% right that men who say they don't want a relationship really mean that they don't want one with you. I think that explains the very common phenomenon of a woman hanging around a man forever while he refuses to commit, then suddenly two weeks after they break up, he's found someone. He was happy for her to stick around with no strings, until he found someone he DID want to commit to.

This doesn't mean women can't subtly make the first move and let men know their advances will be welcomed (I think the Americans call this 'game'). But actively pursuing a man who makes no effort, offers you nothing, has shown no interest? Bad idea.

Original poster

pinkandwhite26 · 29/05/2017 21:26

I think to say he feels nothing is a bit harsh though. I haven't just pursued him with nothing in return. And to be honest from his point of view I probably don't give much, other than seeing him. We're both quite open about how our lives are going and he says he doesn't see himself getting in a relationship in the next few years, which means it's pointless me asking for one. His life is very unstable - he works abroad a lot and goes with a few days notice. Even when we were together there were long periods where I wouldn't see him. That's why it's difficult; I don't think he's just being a selfish twat.

OP posts:

TinselTwins · 29/05/2017 21:39

I think to say he feels nothing is a bit harsh though

Oh HE feels lots of things:
he feels horney - he goes to you for sex
he wants a company that he doesn't owe anything back to - tick

It's YOU who is not supposed to feel anything - or what you do feel matters less than his needs

OP I know couples who have been married for years despite stints of work abroad, long distances, all these things that you're saying make his life incompatable with a relationship - and FFS, he already sees and sleeps with you, he just doesn't want to owe you anything or respect your emotions - and he could do that part from the other side of the world!

He doesn't see himself in a relationship because he hasn't met anyone recently who he feels is worth him commiting to!

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.

Swipe left for the next trending thread