AIBU to stay single as no one will match up to my ex?

[pinkandwhite26]

I broke up with my ex last year but we've stayed in touch and see each other sporadically. We broke up because he didn't want a relationship and we moved apart. I've travelled to see him since and vice versa. I'm 28 and he is 30.

I've done a bit of dating but it seems pointless and it just highlights to me how much I miss my ex and how he is perfect. I honestly don't see that I'll meet anyone else that matches up to him.

I'm happy other areas of my life and happy single at the moment but I do want children and eventually I want to meet someone. I can see that there would be benefits to meeting someone that I really like who also wants to commit to me. But meeting other men just makes me so upset as they're not him and we don't have the same connection.

AIBU to just accept that no one else will measure up to my ex and just stop bothering?

[randomuntrainedcuntowner]

He didn't want a relationship - I.e. He is a bit fickle and commitment phobic and/or he is just not that into you. Not great qualities in a life partner. One day you will be someone and it will just be "right", no games or messing around.

If it helps I had a couple of "flings" in the early days of dating after my ex. Knew they weren't going anywhere but provided some nice distraction... 😊

[TheStoic]

How long have you been seeing him?

[MidnightAura]

In what way is this guy "perfect"

He doesn't want to be with you. You want a family at some stage, he doesn't want to be with you. He's happy to use you for sex.

You are selling yourself short I'm sorry, but you deserve better.

[Anothernewnn]

Great post from random.

[pinkandwhite26]

Also I have tried to have 'flings' but they just depress me because I find it hard to have sex with someone if I don't really like them. It makes me feel worse because I compare to my ex.

[PeaFaceMcgee]

I was 30 with mine... You don't sound stupid, you sound like you have shit in your eyes, love

He's not perfect because you want different things and he does not love you. Don't mug yourself off. Be honest, has he ever said anything like "you need to get over me" ?

[TheCuriousOwl]

I have been where you are. It is horrible. I don't think it's quite 'limerance' but that feeling that you'd rather have scraps than nothing at all because nothing will measure up.

He's not perfect. In your mind he is perfect because you know and have excused all his faults as things you can live with, he's familiar, you have a connection.

I read something years ago about how if someone doesn't love you back then it's not really love between you and you can just choose not to love someone. Now I don't totally believe that but it did help me when I had to go NC with someone I was in the same situation as you with, I had to say to myself 'I am choosing to not love him any more'.

Being on your own and HAPPY is better than being on your own with scraps from him and being miserable. You need to stop seeing him and stop sleeping with him. You might end up being friends down the line but right now while you feel like this you can't be, you won't move on until this guy isn't in your life and that is horrible and hard.

Only you can decide if you are willing to make the effort and take the pain that this will bring in the short term. I promise 100% that it is better to do it than to let this carry on though.

[Pinkheart5917]

Your not going to get over him when your shagging him are you honestly?

Now is not the time to be dating when your shagging an ex and still hung up on him, you need to stop contact with him and get your head straight before you think of getting involved with someone else.

You can wait around for him to be ready for a relationship and let him shag you and continue to let him have & eat the whole cake OR you can say goodbye and be strong and find someone that wants to be in a relationship with you and thinks you are amazing

[PoorYorick]

Yes we're still sleeping together... most of the time we see each other it's framed as 'for sex' but we don't always do it, a lot of the time it's just talking etc.

Well, that's why you can't get over him and become open to meeting someone who actually wants the same things as you.

I don't think he knows I love him, I think he thinks I'm happy with the situation.

If this is true, he's a gibbering, slobbering idiot, because you split precisely because you wanted a relationship. If it's not true and he knows you yearn for more (much more likely, in my opinion), then he is a cruel, exploitative bastard. Either way, you're better off away from him.

But what's the point dating someone else, if you've already experienced perfection? Just because he doesn't like me, doesn't mean that he isn't perfect.

OP, he is not perfect. Nobody is perfect. If you think he is perfect, and there is absolutely nothing about him that could cause you any friction or piss you off, then you don't know him. Your entire perception of him is based around a fantasy, a construction. You are in love with who you think he is, not who he is. Who you think he is is a person who does not exist.

It's pointless trying to tell you this, of course. I've been where you are, and you won't ever truly believe or understand this until the relationship, or whatever the fuck it is, goes on for long enough and through enough trials and tribulations, that you begin to see what's hiding beneath the shiny surface. Though if you do stop seeing him (which of course you should do) and eventually meet someone else (which you will, if you're truly open to it), you'll start to see how relationships evolve over time and how he is just not fecking perfect.

I would say that the fact he is not perfect, and what you had would not have been perfect, does not necessarily mean you aren't suited or couldn't be happy. All people are imperfect, all relationships are imperfect, but many relationships are long and happy nonetheless.

But I'm not going to say that this time, because in this case it is clearly not true. Firstly because he doesn't want to be in a relationship with you. That's the first indication that you two aren't suited. Secondly, because despite not wanting a relationship and knowing that you do, he is still using you for sex and intimacy without any commitment in return. Which, as I said before, makes him a moron or an arsehole. Either way, not good.

[Peanutbuttercheese]

Being intelligent and earning a good wage has nothing to do with emotional maturity or making the right choices in love.

You must stop seeing your ex.

I guarantee as soon as he finds someone else you will be dropped and then you will feel used. This isn't a friends with benefits situation because you still love him and he finished with you. I think he is far from perfect he sounds like a monumental shit.

[EllaHen]

He is streets ahead because you can't have him.

Complete break from him is the only way forwards for your sake.

If you don't heed this advice (from every poster) then you will only have yourself to blame.

Think about it logically - can every man really come a poor second to him? Unlikely.

[pinkandwhite26]

He hasn't said anything like that. The most he has said is that 'we are shit at ending things' when he realised it's been over a year since we broke up.

I am happy by myself but obviously having that window into my exes life means I know things that upset me, e.g. I know when he is seeing other people.

[randomuntrainedcuntowner]

And I think sometimes it is harder when you have ended it, especially when it is due to their behaviour rather than how you feel about them - because there is no closure and you always wonder if whether you should have just hung on in there.

I ended it with my dp as I felt he just didn't have any respect for me, but afterwards I wondered if I was being too "high maintenance" and wondered if my pride was worth having to ultimately live without him. However I now realise it absolutely was worth it, he was slowly destroying me, like Japanese water torture! My dp now is amazing, and I truly believe he is "the one".

[pinkandwhite26]

Yes I totally feel like I should've hung in there.

I ended up because I've been in this situation before (breaking up with someone then carrying on seeing them). I thought this time I was doing the right thing as he didn't like me enough.

Now I wish I hadn't done it at all.

[specialsubject]

brutally - you are a convenient shag with history, so he gets some interesting conversation as well.

you can do better. This is going nowhere.

say goodbye and move on. You won't meet anyone else worthwhile while you are still shagging this bloke.

[PoorYorick]

What would having 'hung in there' meant with a man who wasn't prepared to commit to you?

Anyway, you are still hanging in there. And he's got the best of you. And he still doesn't want the rest.

You're 28, my darling. You probably don't feel very young, but I promise you you really really are. And sooner than you think, you'll realise how young you are. Now, at least. Good God, don't waste the best years of your life on this TWAT.

[TheCuriousOwl]

Harsh truth:

If he liked you enough he would just have got back with you.

He doesn't.

My now DP and I got together finally after years of on-off and addressed the reasons we'd not got together in the first place. It wasn't because we didn't like each other enough. We are now incredibly happy.

This guy wouldn't have stayed with you if you'd 'hung in there' because he doesn't want a relationship. You just bailed before he did and you just don't want to own the fact you called time on it; if he'd dumped you you feel it would have been easier. Actually you'd be here going 'why am I not good enough, what could I have done to make him not dump me'.

Stop speaking to him. Stop shagging him. You are his ego boost and he is loving that although you walked away you can't resist going back. He's thinking 'See how irresistible I am, she can't help herself coming back for more'. Bin him off OP.

[stompingonthinice]

I don't think he knows I love him, I think he thinks I'm happy with the situation. I don't see the point telling him how I feel because I know he doesn't want to commit, all the signs are there.

I know how it feels to love someone who doesn't love you. I'm right there now but I broke up with him for that reason - so I am totally sympathetic.

I think you should properly break up with him (go no contact), tell him how you feel and that is why you can't see him any more at all and don't want him to contact you. This has many benefits:

• you won't spend the rest of your life wondering IF I had told him, what would he have said
  

• if he is not a total shit, then if you tell him how you feel and he's not interested, he will leave you alone. Total no contact is the only way to deal with this situation to allow you to recover your heart - and that is the problem here. There are billions of men in the world, it's not very likely that this is the only one who would suit you.
  

• if you tell him and he doesn't honour your wishes, that means he is self interested, cruel and quite manipulative - seeing that side of him should help you to move on and get over this Mr Perfection.
  

• if you tell him how you feel, it will help you to move on yourself - because it will be hard or impossible to do the whole cool with it thing. It will be embarrassing to keep seeing him and that is actually what you need here - you need a motivation to cut the ties and move on.
  

• not very likely I know but it is possible that if he is faced with this as a stark choice and knows how you feel, he reassesses the situation and what he wants.
  

So whichever way you look at it and whatever he says, telling him how you feel as part of a proper "this is totally over I need no contact" situation.is a win-win.

[ChasedByBees]

Firstly, he's not perfect, no one is. You think he is because you love him.

Secondly, if you ended things and don't think he knows how you feel, tell him. What do you have to lose? You can also say that it's too hard seeing each other on and off so you either need to try making a real go of things or break contact.

Then break contact. Don't see him, it will prolong things. You won't get over him while you're still sleeping with him and so of course no one else will compare.

[peachgreen]

If he was perfect he would want to be with you too. Properly.

Right now he's having his cake and eating it - all of the benefits of dating you without having to put in any of the hard work or commitment. Not good enough.

You need to cut off all contact and start living your life again. Have adventures, date people even if they're not quite perfect, enjoy yourself. The right guy is out there.

[FlyingElbows]

Op he's quite simply the human equivalent of heroin. The only way to kick the habit is to go cold turkey. You have to stop. It's a complete mind fuck and it's cruel. It's not good for either of you. He's not perfect. He doesn't want you, he simply wants the sex. It hurts to accept but it's true. I'm sure lots of us have been where you are. Give yourself time.

[Iloverichtea]

Excellent advice from Stomping

I've been here OP - now I'm very happily married to someone else I can look back and see what a manipulative dick my ex was. I know it feels ridiculously hard at the time, but getting rid is the best thing you can do.

[pinkandwhite26]

He is pretty close to perfect though. All of my friends think I'm crazy for ever considering ending it.

[Brogadoccio]

He's not perfect.

If he were a mature adult he'd know that people bring feelings to any type of relationship but he's willfully sitting in convenient blind spot.

I have been in this situation. I was ''used as a girlfriend''. Not used for sex as that's easier to spot and reject. But used by a man who wanted somebody on the end of the phone, wanted somebody to listen, chat to, laugh with, eat with, follow his day........ and he did the same for me too to be fair but he would not label it. It hurt and he ignored that. Not so perfect. I did used to see him as perfect at the time. Now i look back and think that although we clicked and I learnt a lot from him not least that it's important to have your own agenda now I see his blind spots.

[PeaFaceMcgee]

So what do you want? For him to give up his job and move in with you? For you to give up your job and move in with him?

Or to carry on the status quo, leaving you open to increasing heartbreak? (It only gets harder).

Or for you to have a clean break and start to get this guy out of you head?