AIBU to stay single as no one will match up to my ex?

[pinkandwhite26]

I broke up with my ex last year but we've stayed in touch and see each other sporadically. We broke up because he didn't want a relationship and we moved apart. I've travelled to see him since and vice versa. I'm 28 and he is 30.

I've done a bit of dating but it seems pointless and it just highlights to me how much I miss my ex and how he is perfect. I honestly don't see that I'll meet anyone else that matches up to him.

I'm happy other areas of my life and happy single at the moment but I do want children and eventually I want to meet someone. I can see that there would be benefits to meeting someone that I really like who also wants to commit to me. But meeting other men just makes me so upset as they're not him and we don't have the same connection.

AIBU to just accept that no one else will measure up to my ex and just stop bothering?

[MangosAndPapayas]

And to be honest from his point of view I probably don't give much, other than seeing him.

What about SEX? And knowing he has you on the end of the phone if he wants to call? or (very probably) knowing you would come running if he wants to see you?

It is very very hard if not impossible to conceal your true feelings. You know that advice about watch someone''s actions and not their words. This is true. It won't matter that you haven't told him how much you feel for him. He may not know you love him or see a long term fantasy future but he damn sure will know you are keener than him. You will leak this information left right and centre - from how you look at him when you are together, the fact you broke up with him (not sure you did that properly but there it is) because you want a relationship, the fact you still see him and still sleep with him. He will know on some level you are more into him than he is into you. So he gets that out of it.

I am a big believer in total no contact is the only way for cure here. Sex is physiologically designed to be a bonding activity!!!

[TinselTwins]

This man is hurting you. You need to feel angry at him! When the anger comes, you'll be okay!

[HattiesBackpack]

It's not pointless you asking for a relationship, if he wants one with you he will make it work.

Is it possible you are hiding in this cosy non relationship to keep you from meeting someone new and getting hurt?

[AntsMarching]

OP, he doesn't want to be with you.

I've been there, I've made all the excuses for a man that didn't love me back but kept me hanging on. The only way to get over him is no contact.

He may be a nice guy in most aspects of his life, he may be a great friend to many people, but he's not nice to you and he's not a friend to you. He's using you for his convenience with no regard to your feelings.

Stop making excuses for his behaviour, he knows what he is doing and is choosing to do it.

Choose you OP, you are worth more, break all contact with him. If he does call you, make it clear you aren't interested unless he is offering full on relationship. Don't accept less because you don't want less.

[honeyroar]

You say you're both being honest and open about where you're going with this, but YOU aren't.. You're not telling him honestly hoe you feel, he's calling the shots..

And people overcome distance, jobs with weird hours/travel, you name it if they're with someone they want to be with. That's what a real perfect relationship does.

You do sound like you've got your fingers in your ear going la la la to it all. It's up to you, but you don't sound happy with it.

[sadsquid]

I don't suppose he feels absolutely nothing. He enjoys you. He probably likes you. He doesn't love you.

What are you looking for in this thread? You have countered some points people have made, and there are lots that you haven't really acknowledged. The answers are pretty unanimous. Is that what you were expecting?

[TinselTwins]

You say you're both being honest and open about where you're going with this, but YOU aren't.. You're not telling him honestly hoe you feel, he's calling the shots.

she can't really be honest with him when she's not being honest with herself.
She thinks that by going through the motions of going on dates it means that she's okay with the way he's using her and it's not unbalanced in his favour.

[pinkandwhite26]

Just the whole thought of the dating process... then bothering to find people, the meeting up, the fact that inevitably they are awful/boring/any other than my ex just makes me feel like crying. So I figure it's better to keep contact with my ex in case he changes his mind I guess.

[Nellyphants]

Pink when you don't like or want something do you often change your mind & want it after all? In fact desire it, can't wait to have it?

How long are you going to wait 2 years, 5, 10? You've handed this man your power. He gets to control you & you're smiling sweetly at him

You could forget about dating completely & be on your own for a while. It's not compulsory To date.

[TinselTwins]

why wait? does he not know you yet? If he doesn't want you enough now he never will.

He will commit to the type of relationship you want with him, but it won't be with you.

He may however tease you with a maybe if you go no contact now.. but you won't ever get to cash it in.

[HattiesBackpack]

I think it could help you to properly take some time out from all things bloke-wise, have a break, try and get your head clear and start figuring out what you really want, find out what makes YOU happy.
Good luck OP xx

[sadsquid]

the fact that inevitably they are awful/boring/any other than my ex

But the sadness that they are not your ex comes from the fact that you're not over your ex. Not that he's the one and only perfect man on earth, because that does not happen. And you won't get over him while you are still seeing him. I do get why you're hanging onto the hope that he'll change his mind, but that hope is perpetuating this situation where you can't move on.

[PoorYorick]

Just the whole thought of the dating process... then bothering to find people, the meeting up, the fact that inevitably they are awful/boring/any other than my ex just makes me feel like crying.

That's because you're not over your ex. And you're not over him because you keep seeing him and sleeping with him. It's a vicious circle.

Putting yourself back into dating, properly, is daunting, I get that. But ultimately I don't see how it can hurt or drain you more than hanging around a man who has explicitly said he doesn't want you, and doesn't seem to care about the effect he must know he is having, if he isn't actually as thick as pigshit.

So I figure it's better to keep contact with my ex in case he changes his mind I guess.

If he changes his mind, OP, he will seek you out. He will be able to find you. If he wants you, he will pursue you. (Though if he does suddenly appear out of the woodwork in five years' time or whatever, I'd advise you to run like hell, because he'll almost certainly be looking for a cushion following a breakup, and then you'll be right back where you started, only five years older to boot.)

Rather than trapping yourself in this shitty situation with a man who doesn't want you, the best way to hedge your bets is to cut contact, get over him and be open to a relationship with a new person who wants you. If your ex changes his mind, he will seek you out, because men pursue women they want.

[PoorYorick]

One more thing to add, OP...don't fall into the trap of feeling you mustn't get over your ex because that would mean it wasn't love and wasn't as important or significant as you feel it is. Don't cast yourself as some romantic heroine whose love was simply too great ever to be surpassed. On that path madness and delusion lie. And nobody else will share that narrative, but it will destroy you and any chance of happiness.

You can love him, you can always love him, but you can still be over him and ready for new love. People do it all the time.

[WaitingYetAgain]

Just the whole thought of the dating process... then bothering to find people, the meeting up, the fact that inevitably they are awful/boring/any other than my ex just makes me feel like crying. So I figure it's better to keep contact with my ex in case he changes his mind I guess.

I so understand this. I have been there too. I hate it and hated it. I have thought the same way as you once and nearly twice. First time, I was 29 when I had to begin to 'wait' for him to he ready to move on to the next stage (we stayed in the relationship but long distance). He left discarded me 6 years later without a backwards glance.

I regret it and I don't. He was imperfect. There were many serious issues in the relationship. For whatever reason, I needed that time to come to my senses get over him. I learnt a lot about myself in the process. I sometimes regret wasting those years of my fertility.

The second time, I met a guy who was/is seemingly perfect for me. This was my guy the one. He was/is far less imperfect. The only striking imperfection is that when things went wrong/got tough, he couldn't cope and ran away. He has not come back. I am just waiting, yet again, for him to either end things or come back. I promised myself, this time will be different. I won't let a man play around with me or leave me hanging that way. To be fair to him, he did try to tell me to be free so that I didn't wait/live in limbo, but I was not ready. I will be cutting the cord shortly if he does not commit, because I deserve someone who wants me enough to know that, to show that, to seal that... Not to leave me hanging.

Anyway, the thing that really stood out for me from your posts is that you say this guy of yours is perfect compared to others. I know what you mean about the spark, the compatibility and everything, but I do not believe he is perfect for you. If he was, he'd commit to you. He wouldn't let you go.

Perhaps it will take you time to come to this realisation. Cutting contact is the only way you will get there. If you keep that cord of connection with him, you will not be free until he decides to cut it. Imagine how you will feel if one day he suddenly cuts it and you wait for him a year, two, three or more.

I accepted the pain I underwent because I freely chose to wait. When the second guy tried to spare me the wait, I told him it was okay as I wanted to give the relationship the full chance to work out/recover. I wanted to know that I had done everything I could to make it work if it was meant to work. That is how my brain and heart work and for me it is a painful process as throughout this period of not knowing, I have felt pain at the lack of proper connection with him, but I accept that is my pain to bear because I chose to stay. I can't blame anyone else but myself.

[oslolou]

It is one of those situations, I could hire every billboard close to your house and write his a loon leave him but until you are ready to it's pointless - honestly wisest words ever are actions speak louder than words, what is he actually DOING to make you feel wonderful x

[MangosAndPapayas]

Just the whole thought of the dating process... then bothering to find people, the meeting up, the fact that inevitably they are awful/boring/any other than my ex just makes me feel like crying.

Sounds like you are talking about OLD which is a total waste of time generally but all the more so when you are in love with someone else.

You are wasting your time dating if you are hung up on this guy. Someone up thread summarised it well when they said your exbf is dating to meet someone but you are dating to pretend you arent making him the centre of your life.

OLD is only ever an add-on to real life and ways to meet men. Never put all your eggs in the OLD basket. It only works as an add-on if you are up for it and have a healthy attitude -which you don't have.

Look at it this way, if you were handed a full emotional CV of a man before you went to meet him and it was a male version of you about his exgf - would you want to meet him? No of course you wouldn't because you would know you are totally wasting your time.

My advice is:
1. Telll him how you feel and that this is why you are going no contact
2. Go no contact. Properly and ruthlessly.
3. No online dating for at least 3 months.
4. Take up a new activity/join a club for something you like and has a good proportion of men there. Somewhere between knitting and car maintenance.

In 12 months, if you can stick no contact you will feel alot better.

[mygorgeousmilo]

If he cared that much then he'd make damn sure to be with you. Don't waste your life on a man who is "just not that into you". You have to stop seeing him, cut him off for a few months or you'll never move on. I know it's hard, I had a 'the one' man in my early twenties, it was only when we cut contact that I met my husband and was able to realise what the right man will do for you, and to be with you. We (ex and I) are now in loose contact and have a nice chat if we see each other once in a while, so it's not that you have to completely delete someone from your life - but you need a cooling off stage to move on.

[mimishimmi]

If you were trying to change his mind, best way is to cut contact. Otherwise you are making it too easy for him, he gets the sex and companionship without having to make a commitment. Why would he be motivated to change that? If you cut contact and you never hear from him again, well you know it wasn't meant to be and he hasn't left you dangling.

[Vroomster]

I figure it's better to keep contact with my ex in case he changes his mind I guess

Why would he change his mind? No strings attached sex, no commitment. You've made it easy for him!

You need to find your self respect.

[peachgreen]

If your ex changes his mind he'll come back and find you. I promise. It's happened to me twice - once after a break up, and once with a guy who I had met at what was a bad time for both of us, so we hadn't been able to pursue a relationship. Both came back after a year or more of absolutely no contact. If his feelings are real, no contact won't change them.

(P.S. I married the second guy and we're blissfully happy. :))

[welovepancakes]

OP - deep down, I suspect you know that you're being offered wise advice on this thread, although it's not what you wanted to hear. I expect you were hoping for romantic tales of people holding out for true love and eventually, it all came good

So far as I can see, your ex is enjoying your company when it suits him, using you for sex and will likely drop you like a hot potato as soon as he meets a new girlfriend

A lot of this is down to self esteem. When you truly believe that you deserve to be treated well, you don't accept being treated like that. But sometimes you have to learn the hard way.

If / when you do move on from this (whether your choice or his), dust yourself down and try to stay optimistic

[millifiori]

I'm puzzled OP. There's a man in your life who you desribe as unstable - not mentally, but in his life set-up. He doesn't want to commit to a relationship and you don't trust him enough or feel close enough to him to tell him you're in love with him? In what way is this 'perfect' for you? That's not perfect for anyone.
Is it that actually you're not ready for a relationship either - with him or anyone else? You don't want commitment, so this on-off suits you fine. You miss him, of course, because you like him and the sex is good, but are you kidding yourself that it would be perfect of he moved to your town and were available 24/7? If you met an identical version of him but in a stable job five mins from where you live, would you want him?

[millifiori]

Sorry I meant that to read, is it that you don't want commitment. I'm not suggesting i know how you feel!

[millifiori]

And if you really do love him, give the poor sod a chance, and tell him! he may be saying he;s not ready for a relationship because he's hanging around for you, wishing you cared more than you pretend you do.