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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to stay single as no one will match up to my ex?

158 replies

pinkandwhite26 · 29/05/2017 11:13

I broke up with my ex last year but we've stayed in touch and see each other sporadically. We broke up because he didn't want a relationship and we moved apart. I've travelled to see him since and vice versa. I'm 28 and he is 30.

I've done a bit of dating but it seems pointless and it just highlights to me how much I miss my ex and how he is perfect. I honestly don't see that I'll meet anyone else that matches up to him.

I'm happy other areas of my life and happy single at the moment but I do want children and eventually I want to meet someone. I can see that there would be benefits to meeting someone that I really like who also wants to commit to me. But meeting other men just makes me so upset as they're not him and we don't have the same connection.

AIBU to just accept that no one else will measure up to my ex and just stop bothering?

OP posts:
ProseccoBitch · 29/05/2017 13:22

don't*

TinselTwins · 29/05/2017 13:30

He's being cruel. He is keeping you "on the boil" and available to him until he meets someone he does want a relationship with - and he will! And you'll be devastated!

You cannot heal if you keep picking the scab by taking scraps of sex hee thows at you!

Vroomster · 29/05/2017 13:39

As soon as he meets someone he wants a relationship with you won't see him and then you'll be hurt.

If he was perfect he would want a relationship with you.

Jupitar · 29/05/2017 13:46

This is going to be harsh but if a 17 year old says he's not ready for a relationship it's understandable, when a 30 year old says it then it's because he doesn't want to be in a relationship with you. Don't wait for him cos I can guarantee he's going to meet someone else and settle down with them in the next couple of years
Sorry 😐

Original poster
pinkandwhite26 · 29/05/2017 13:50

His life is very unstable which is the reason he gives for not wanting a relationship. I get it, but it's probably just an excuse.

OP posts:
Vroomster · 29/05/2017 13:54

You'd really wait five years? And then what if he's still not interested, then what? Wait another five? Ten maybe?

You are happy with the scraps you get. You need to delete all contact and move on. Or tell him how you feel.

user1486915549 · 29/05/2017 13:58

I think it is time for a bit of straight talking from you.
It sounds as if you haven't been honest with him about your feelings for him. Pretending to be cool with the situation you have now isn't helping you at all.
Tell him what you want from him , tell him if that's not what he wants then you can't see him again.
What have you got to lose ?

ClopySow · 29/05/2017 14:07

I agree with user there.

You haven't been honest with him. Either tell him the truth or cut contact.

Paddingtonbearscoat · 29/05/2017 14:11

In the nicest possible way you're mad. You're wasting your life and potential happiness on this fool.

If you must, lay your cards on the table and and tell him how you feel, if he doesn't come running which I doubt he will, he's not for you.

Being in love with someone who doesn't love you back is the worst kind. You'll never move on while he's got you hanging on.

Just how exactly is he perfect? I can guarantee he's not. Someone perfect would love you back, respect you, be committed to you, have similar goals and values, you'd build a whole life together.

Your outlook on other men will change once you block all contact with this loser.

TinselTwins · 29/05/2017 14:11

His life is very unstable which is the reason he gives for not wanting a relationship. I get it, but it's probably just an excuse

It's absolutely an excuse! When DH and I got engaged we weren't even in a position to live together at that stage, but we knew we wanted to when our lives stabilised!

honeyroar · 29/05/2017 14:22

Why on earth would you think that this man is perfect?? He won't commit to you, fobs you off with crapoy excuses, and sees other women. He sounds awful! And you're being a mug lapping it up. If you want to have a family you're crazy wasting any more time here. Tell him you don't want to see him anymore unless he's prepared to commit to a monogamous relationship with you. His answer will tell you everything. If he says he's still not ready he's really saying "I'm not that into you but I want to keep shagging you until I find someone I do want to be with, then I'll drop you."

ziggy1986 · 29/05/2017 14:33

He is not perfect though. He doesn't want a relationship with you = not perfect for you.

Someone perfect would want you as much as you want him.

Original poster
pinkandwhite26 · 29/05/2017 15:29

I don't really think I'm wasting my life on him... in all other aspects I do what I want, including dating other people. I just don't like any of them...

OP posts:
sadsquid · 29/05/2017 15:34

Yeah, but the trouble is you're not open to liking other people because you're still giddy over him. It takes time, space and distance to get over someone. You're not giving yourself those. So you're tethering yourself to these feelings and they will stop you moving on to anything else.

Like I said above, that's fine if this is what you want from life. But I don't think it is or you wouldn't have started this thread.

PoorYorick · 29/05/2017 15:36

He is pretty close to perfect though. All of my friends think I'm crazy for ever considering ending it.

No. I don't believe this. Unless you've told them something vastly different to what you've told us.

PoorYorick · 29/05/2017 15:37

You don't like other people because you're not emotionally available to them. And you're not going to become emotionally available while you're still hanging on this guy who doesn't want you. Bitchqueen is right.

Boulshired · 29/05/2017 15:39

My niece waited 10 years for he ex to be ready for more than casual sex, to have to stand by and watch him find his Mrs right. Within 3 months they got engaged and started living together and within two years married with a child. Even after that she blamed herself and believed he would see the light. He cut contact the night he met his future wife. My Mr right has to love me like I love him otherwise he is Mr whatcouldhavebeen.

Brogadoccio · 29/05/2017 15:43

I went on about 12 dates when I was seeing Mr I don't want a relationship with you and of course I never really saw them. I would go home, ring mr I don't want a relationship with you and I'd describe the evening, humorously, and he was always relieved that I hadn't met somebody who 'd see him kicked to the curb but I never gave them a chance. Only after I walked away properly did I meet somebody. That didn't work out! but I know if I'd still been with mr I don't want a relationship with you I would have gone home and gently mocked the guy I went out with for a short time. I'm glad I gave it a go.

sadsquid · 29/05/2017 15:45

I was once in ruins over a bloke who dumped me. I spent the most miserable year of my life getting over him, trying to be friends, occasionally copping off with him, until I gave up contact altogether. And then I had four more flings, mostly unfulfilling, before I met DH. Now I look back at Mr Perfect and realise he may have been a shit hot bassist but he also had some pretty weird ideas that seemed OK when I was infatuated with him - and moreover that I was never comfortable with him. I was so into him, and so aware that he was less into me, that I spent every minute trying to impress. Couldn't let my guard down, even though I kidded myself I was having a good time.

I didn't see that when I was in love with him. It's blindingly obvious to me now. That's what zingy honeymoon love does - makes someone seem perfect. It's great if you're both in love the same way, miserable if not.

welovepancakes · 29/05/2017 16:06

Honestly, when men say "I don't want a relationship" what they really mean is "I don't want a relationship with YOU."

This is true, even though clearly not what you want to hear. You've been seeing him / sleeping with him for a year. He's also sleeping with other people. He doesn't want to be in a relationship with you (and fair play to him for being honest about that)

I suggest you cut ties with him, take some time out & start dating again when you're ready.

HattiesBackpack · 29/05/2017 16:09

It's time to take control OP, you owe it to yourself.

Tell him how you feel and ask him to commit to a relationship with you.

If he won't then cut your losses and move on- you won't be able to connect with anyone else while you are still emotionally invested in this bloke.

Vroomster · 29/05/2017 16:18

I do what I want, including dating other people. I just don't like any of them...

Because you're still hung up on him. Until you let go of him you will never meet anyone else because you have him up there on a pedestal.

Honestly, when men say "I don't want a relationship" what they really mean is "I don't want a relationship with YOU."

^^This. You see it all the time.

Apairofsparklingeyes · 29/05/2017 16:34

Nothing you have said makes this man sound 'perfect' to anyone reading this thread. He's using you until he meets the woman he considers to be 'perfect' and, sorry to be blunt, it won't be you.

TinselTwins · 29/05/2017 16:37

I don't really think I'm wasting my life on him... in all other aspects I do what I want, including dating other people. I just don't like any of them..

WHY are you dating if you're not open to a relationship with anyone who isn't your ex (and you won't be until you cut contact and get over him) - is it to convince yourself that you're fine with him dating because you're dating too?

Let me tell you something, he is not dating the way you are dating - he is dating and open to meeting someone, and he will, and it won't be you! and he will find a way to fit a relationship around his unstable life, which he would have done for you if he liked you enough.

You are not dating the way he is dating. You're dating to make yourself feel less used by him, not to find someone you like.

milliemolliemou · 29/05/2017 16:39

If you're "seeing people" and he's "seeing people" and those people are "seeing people" I hope you're both having safe sex.

Otherwise agree with PPs - give him an ultimatum if you really think you can and/or give him up.

And no one's perfect. He clearly isn't whatever your deluded gfs say about you offing him in the first place. They know he won't commit? His life is "unstable"? Why are they saying this? Quite frankly you need to ditch him and gfs both.

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