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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to stay single as no one will match up to my ex?

158 replies

pinkandwhite26 · 29/05/2017 11:13

I broke up with my ex last year but we've stayed in touch and see each other sporadically. We broke up because he didn't want a relationship and we moved apart. I've travelled to see him since and vice versa. I'm 28 and he is 30.

I've done a bit of dating but it seems pointless and it just highlights to me how much I miss my ex and how he is perfect. I honestly don't see that I'll meet anyone else that matches up to him.

I'm happy other areas of my life and happy single at the moment but I do want children and eventually I want to meet someone. I can see that there would be benefits to meeting someone that I really like who also wants to commit to me. But meeting other men just makes me so upset as they're not him and we don't have the same connection.

AIBU to just accept that no one else will measure up to my ex and just stop bothering?

OP posts:
Original poster
pinkandwhite26 · 29/05/2017 12:37

He got a new job in a city which was quite a long way away but actually it fell through and he hasn't left. Which obviously makes things harder as currently he's only 100 miles away.

I wouldn't give up my job for him.

OP posts:
sadsquid · 29/05/2017 12:39

OK, you have some options. The options are:

a) Keep going as you are for as long as he feels like it. It's likely he will eventually meet someone he wants to be with exclusively, at which point he's going to stop seeing you. If you're lucky, that will happen while you still have plenty of time to start a family, if you still want that.

b) Be honest with him about how you feel. There's some chance he'll reciprocate, and probably a greater chance he won't (he's not acting like a man desperately in love, though to be fair you're hiding your feelings too). If he doesn't, and he's kind, he'll then end it. If he's not kind he'll keep you hanging on, in which case see option a.

c) End it properly and for good. Don't have contact with him. Give yourself the time and space you need to see that nobody's perfect, it's just love that makes us think they are - and that love came from inside you, not from him. You can feel it for some other person, who is just as amazing and who loves you back. But only if you give yourself a chance.

BitchQueen90 · 29/05/2017 12:40

Honestly, when men say "I don't want a relationship" what they really mean is "I don't want a relationship with YOU."

If you meet somebody who you really love spending time with, who you want to be with all the time would you ever say "I don't want a committed relationship"?

This sounds really really harsh but while you might think he's the one for you, you're not the one for him.

If you still keep seeing him and sleeping with him you will never be able to move on. You need to stop. Spend some time alone. You will get over him eventually but not while you keep seeing him.

Emmageddon · 29/05/2017 12:40

So why don't you suggest to him that you get back together properly? Be a couple, making plans for the future? Or do you know, that if you did suggest that, he'd run for the hills, or laugh in your face?

If he's perfect, and you seriously think he's The One, then tell him. And if you get any response other than the one you want, then stop wasting your life on yearning after someone who doesn't want to be with you, other than in a very superficial and occasional way.

Comps83 · 29/05/2017 12:40

It is hard when you love someone
You need to tell him how you feel and that it's a relationship or it isn't and you don't want contact with him again if he doesn't want a a relationship
Because you know that one day he will meet someone else and where will your emotions be then?
Trust me I know how painful this is. I'm 34 and still have my ex from when I was 20 on a pedestal but still seeing him afterward would have made it a million times harder.
You need to cut all contact and concentrate on yourself.

PeaFaceMcgee · 29/05/2017 12:45

Also just putting it out there that this isn't love - on either side - it's chemicals and hormones.

Love is a thoughtful committed decision of partnership. You have to work at it and nurture it.

rizlett · 29/05/2017 12:46

Maybe you just haven't tried enough other men op - I bet there is someone even nicer than him who won't have commitment issues.

sadsquid · 29/05/2017 12:47

Also - it's perfectly reasonable to stay single if the single life is what you want, independently of whether this man is in your life or not. You don't have to date, ever, if you don't want to. Just don't base your life decisions around one particular person who isn't your life partner. That's cheating yourself out of a chance at the life you really want, and you only get one life.

MaidenMotherCrone · 29/05/2017 12:48

How are you going to feel Op when one day soon he's going to meet 'the one' and that one isn't you? How will you feel when he's gushing over someone else or stops sleeping with you because he's met someone better, someone he does want a relationship with?

Not good I imagine.

As for the sleeping together, do you both have sex when you want to or when he wants to. I get the feeling it's all on his terms and you go along happy with any crumbs he scatters your way.

I hope not Op, I hope you value yourself above all else.

Brogadoccio · 29/05/2017 12:48

don't be a place holder girlfriend

You said something about thinking about waiting for him to be ready. Don't do that. I guarantee it won't be with you.

filler girlfriend

Hell yes or fuck no Sadly for him you are NOT ''hell yes'' so do not wait for him to be ready for a relationship.

As painful as it was (it isn't anymore) I realise now that the man I thought was so great 2015 and early 2016 was holding out for something that may or may not exist. He didn't value me and now I see that as an enormous flaw. Also he used me as a filler gf for nearly a year knowing I wanted a proper relationship. He pretended to be 'ok' with me doing OLD as well as our friendship or whatever it was but he would always say something to make me doubt another guy or decide not to show up, or if I was about to go off and meet somebody new he might suddenly invite me out with his friends.

Brogadoccio · 29/05/2017 12:51

Honestly, when men say "I don't want a relationship" what they really mean is "I don't want a relationship with YOU."

This is so true. And I grew to think so much less of the man I wasted time on because he didn't clarify this. I had a lot of feelings for him and he used that at my expense. I don't think he's the devil or anything but the situation suited him and he knew it was at my expense and he let it continue. So, that's not ''Perfect'' not close. And this time last year OP I thought I had walked away from a perfect man and I doubted myself.

morningconstitutional2017 · 29/05/2017 12:55

There's nothing wrong with being choosy and you wouldn't be doing yourself or any prospective partner any favours if you're constantly comparing them with Mr Perfect.

So no, there's nothing wrong with staying single if that's what you want, but don't forget that there are a lot of nice men out there - it's just finding the right one that's the problem.

I agree that seeing your ex though is prolonging the agony of parting.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 29/05/2017 12:55

PINK, you are right, you won't find anyone who matches up to him, and you shouldn't want to, he knows how you feel about him, and is currently having his cake and eat it, so to speak.So you won't meet anyone who matches up to him, you'll meet someone better.
In order to achieve this, you have to allow yourself.
Stop sleeping with him, I appreciate its good and you're comfortable with him, but it's holding you back.
You are young, go catch your dream Lovely. 🌸

PoloStar · 29/05/2017 13:00

You love him so much, he is so perfect.... but you wouldn't give up your job for him??

You know he is seeing other people?

Stop sleeping with him, and move on with the rest of your life.

indigox · 29/05/2017 13:02

He'll meet someone and be magically "ready for a relationship", he just doesn't want that with you.

valeriej43 · 29/05/2017 13:04

End it, he might realise he misses you after all

Original poster
pinkandwhite26 · 29/05/2017 13:06

He's seeing other people but so am I obviously, it's been a year. Of course he hasn't only slept with me. There was a three month period where I did cut contact and we didn't see each other but then he got back in touch.

I am happy in other areas of my life, it's just this one part that seems to be the sticking point. I wake up thinking everything is going great then this just seems like the dark cloud problem in the sky.

OP posts:
Only1scoop · 29/05/2017 13:07

Indigox is probably right.

You're still having sex and chats, only now he's doing that with others aswell. You could end up hurt by this I would knock it on the head.

AyeAmarok · 29/05/2017 13:08

What is so good about him?

Flightywoman · 29/05/2017 13:13

Do you sleep with him and hope that he will look at you and realise that it's you he wants? Are you waiting for him to have a flash of realisation about you?

I can almost guarantee you that it won't happen.

I do think you need to tell him it's time for all or nothing, put your self-worth at a premium and stop selling yourself short when you want so much more.

You'll never be ready for someone else while you're still in thrall to this man, and TBH, I don't think it would be fair to anyone else to present yourself as ready to date when you clearly aren't.

Take some time off, be honest with yourself, think about what you don't want as much as what you do want.

Brogadoccio · 29/05/2017 13:15

When you get time read those links OP!

They really helped me last year.

Original poster
pinkandwhite26 · 29/05/2017 13:18

I sleep with him not because I think he'll change his mind but because I genuinely enjoy hanging out with him. He came to see me last week, took me out for dinner, we had some drink and we talk a lot and yes, the sex is good.

It's the in between seeing him parts where I get a bit wobbly.

OP posts:
maddening · 29/05/2017 13:20

He is using you for casual sex and ego massage - get rid and do not see him

Anothernewnn · 29/05/2017 13:21

Tell him how you feel. But tell him in the spirit of getting it out of your system so that you can MOVE ON with your life once and for all.

ProseccoBitch · 29/05/2017 13:21

Why do t you just tell him the truth about how you feel and see what he says? I expect that will make the decision for you either way.

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