Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I know I'm BU but I'm fed up of DH

166 replies

theclick · 27/05/2017 22:17

DH's friends come round whenever there is an F1 race on as we have a decent TV to watch it on. I hate it when they come over. They eat all the food, leave all their mess in the sink and generally one of them then doesn't leave as he has nothing else to do. I'm pregnant and hormonal and I iust read in his watsapp that he has invited them again.

I'm over this! I do not want to come back to a messy house, with one of them still loitering. I also asked him to come shopping with me tomorrow as I'm sick of carrying heavy bags on my own and he refused. He is obsessed with the races and I honestly feel like hitting him over the head with a frying pan.

OP posts:
WomblingThree · 28/05/2017 08:04

Your husband is an adult. He can invite his friends to his house. He can watch F1 on his telly. You are not the boss of him. F1 is 4ish hours, once a fortnight at most, for 8 months if the year. You seem to be purposely wanting to do the shopping at that exact time, just to cause yourself problems. You are pregnant, not incapacitated. You are more than capable of doing a bit of shopping. I'm sure single people manage to carry their own bags. Or do it online. Ive never seen the need to make supermarket shopping into a "couples" activity.

Why are you running round after him buying his bloody snacks? He's more than capable I'm sure. Or invite his mum over while the race is on, and she can host them.

I think you both have a lot of growing up to do before the baby arrives. For a start you need to learn to communicate by talking to each other. You seem to enjoy being martyred, and it will get a million times worse with a new baby, unless you stop it now. Passive aggressiveness has no place in a healthy relationship.

Fragglez · 28/05/2017 08:07

I don't know what time the race is - is there time to go shopping before? Lidl is good for snacks, could you use that to prompt him to come with you?

Then go out while they are there, leave them a bin as suggested, and tell him it's there and that you expect the house to be the same state when you return as when you left.

Not in an arsey way, just in a I'm not budging on this way.

MilesHuntsWig · 28/05/2017 08:12

Personally I'd do the internet shop (I find it cheaper as there's no danger of browsing). I'd also be very open and blunt with his friends "hi chaps - enjoy the race but could you do me a favour and clean up a bit afterwards please? I'm pregnant and shattered".

Keep it factual and short. Wrt loiterer organise something afterwards.

C8H10N4O2 · 28/05/2017 10:01

the loiterer once went for dinner at the other guy's house and got told to bring his own meal as the rest of their family were already sorted!

Take lessons from this woman - she has likely been where you are now.

Seriously is he 5? If you have a daughter does he want her growing up and learning that men are self-centred, lazy and treat women like doormats when it suits them? Do you?

C8H10N4O2 · 28/05/2017 10:02

Sorry realise that sounds unhelpful and it isn't intended that way but you do need to find ways to assert yourself in this situation - YANBU

happypoobum · 28/05/2017 10:20

I don't understand why you are buying food and facilitating this.

I would tell DH if he wants them round he has to deal with it all, including the clear up. If he refused to clear up I would be showing him the door.

It sounds as though he treats you like his mum? And you are in danger of responding the same way.

Nip this dynamic in the bud before the baby arrives. Things aren't going to get easier. Flowers

Original poster
theclick · 28/05/2017 11:54

WomblingThree Christ, I've never seen so much psychoanalysis from one internet post. A few messages from me and you seem to think you have a whole insight into my marriage!

OP posts:
Original poster
theclick · 28/05/2017 11:56

Just an update from this morning though. He definitely sensed I was annoyed, hormonal etc because he came downstairs and straight away asked what time we were going shopping to Tesco. I said it was Lidl we were going to, and not for another hour. So now he is hanging around after we've done a joint clean. None of the friends here yet.

OP posts:
Original poster
theclick · 28/05/2017 11:59

C8 she's never once been where I am now, she just wouldn't allow it. She's very clear on her boundaries - e.g. We've all been on nights out before and she's just upped and said "right I have a gym class tomorrow, so we have to go now" and dragged her DH off. He just follows. She's never once given them food or drink etc. They live a good hour away though, so it's not as convenient for everyone to gather at theirs, and they are not as used to "entertaining" (I mean that loosely, having people round to watch TV isn't really that)

OP posts:
Original poster
theclick · 28/05/2017 12:02

swingofthings I know that - I still gym and do pretty much everything I used to do. I'm not one of those women who is precious about their pregnancy. In fact the other day when my BFF was worried about me crossing a busy road I told her to stop worrying! Other women would have relished in that. I don't even have a bloody baby on board badge. I'd just like a bit of help with tiny things from time to time.

OP posts:
CoteDAzur · 28/05/2017 12:09

OP - If it's any consolation, at least the race isn't happening in your part of the world. Imagine 500,000 nutters like your DH's friends coming to town. All main roads are closed so you can't drive anywhere. Can't walk either due to the aforementioned 500K. Cell phones don't work due to network overload, again due to the 500K fuckers. Oh and have I mentioned the NOISE?

Run run run away is what we do. I recommend that you do the same.

ThePlatypusAlwaysTriumphs · 28/05/2017 12:15

On line shopping definitely the way to go! I couldn't stand to go shopping any more, much less dragging my DH in tow! He'd moan about things I was buying, put things in that I don't want, and distract me in general. Kids are even worse! On line shop cheaper too, because you don't see special offers and if the total is too much you can put stuff back without trudging round shelves. Also if you forever anything it's easy to go back for it, and it's easy to check if you need something just by nipping to the kitchen and looking. No dawdling pensioners, gossipers clogging up ailses, no screaming children, no wonky trolleys. I honestly don't know why ANYONE goes to an actual supermarket nowadays.

ThePlatypusAlwaysTriumphs · 28/05/2017 12:15

Oh, and they bring it all right into your house. No bags to carry!

RainbowJack · 28/05/2017 12:24

theclick I like your friend. She has the right idea.

thatdearoctopus · 28/05/2017 12:32

I think your biggest issue here is the fact that your dh seems to think it's your role to wait on him and his friends.

What other things is he going to decide are your department only once the baby arrives?

WomblingThree · 28/05/2017 12:40

Nah it wasn't psychoanalysis, I'm not that clever. If none of what I said is true, then I don't actually know what your issue is.

According to your update, he is back dancing to your tune, so problem solved really. (Although why he needs to "sense" you are hormonal and annoyed, I'm not sure. Why can't you just tell him 🙄).

Chloe84 · 28/05/2017 12:56

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

harshbuttrue1980 · 28/05/2017 13:09

You do sound a bit controlling when you're complaining about one of his friends staying longer - this thread would be full of people saying LTB if a man was saying that his wife's friends could only stay as long as the he allowed them to. Being married doesn't give you a right to isolate someone and control their access to other people.
HOWEVER - his friends = his mess = his responsibility. Stop cleaning up after them until he gets the hint. As others have said, you aren't his maid. Do you have your own friends and interests? If so, you could go out when he has his friends round and not be there to host.

messofajess · 28/05/2017 13:16

OP I think you should try Amazon Fresh - actually all works out cheaper than lidls - it Morrisons foods.

My DH also had a mother who absolutely served him like this and he thinks its normal. If the loiter stays and doesn't help clean up after him go in there and have a big heavy pregnant cry and ask them again

smithin · 28/05/2017 13:48

You are not a slave so New rules:
He buys the snacks
He cleans up afterwards
He gets single friend out of the house together with the others or you will (rudely) show him the door

If he doesn't agree you will sell the nice tv.

Original poster
theclick · 28/05/2017 14:05

harshbuttrue1980 I don't mind him loitering as long as that doesn't then turn in to more snack time/dinner time. Also, I know I'm moaning but DH and I do other "fun" things together as a couple such as gumming, going for a run in the sun, going out for a meal, watching a movie, and when he is there, yes he is the third wheel. Sometimes those plans have been cancelled as he's still hanging out.

Anyway I just popped to Primark while they were here to pick up some underwear and have also picked myself up some watermelon and feta for my lunch to make a salad. Have decided to go for a run, come back, make salad, and eat it all on my own. I sure if they are hungry DH can sort them out with some Walkers.

OP posts:
Original poster
theclick · 28/05/2017 14:07

Also hatshbuttrue my mates come round and really make an effort to keep the place clean (i.e. Pick up after themselves) which is basic courtesy. So I feel like his should too.

OP posts:
BlurryFace · 28/05/2017 15:27

I'm surprised his mates aren't bringing round their own snacks and soft drinks, that's what happens with our crowd.

Then again, my DH's mate suggested he stop coming round and DH go to his more when DS1 was little as he could tell I was anxious he would wake the baby - he is a nice bloke. And yeah, your OH should clean up promptly after his mates, that's just decency.

Squishedstrawberry4 · 28/05/2017 15:30

DH should instruct the one who hangs around at the end to help him tidy up. Your husband has the ultimate responsibility for tidying the mess up though.

Do the food shop on line and get it delivered.

Squishedstrawberry4 · 28/05/2017 15:33

I would just tell DH and the man that DH promised you he'd run at 3 so you could jane somebody time together

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.

Swipe left for the next trending thread