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AIBU?

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Original poster

I know I'm BU but I'm fed up of DH

166 replies

theclick · 27/05/2017 22:17

DH's friends come round whenever there is an F1 race on as we have a decent TV to watch it on. I hate it when they come over. They eat all the food, leave all their mess in the sink and generally one of them then doesn't leave as he has nothing else to do. I'm pregnant and hormonal and I iust read in his watsapp that he has invited them again.

I'm over this! I do not want to come back to a messy house, with one of them still loitering. I also asked him to come shopping with me tomorrow as I'm sick of carrying heavy bags on my own and he refused. He is obsessed with the races and I honestly feel like hitting him over the head with a frying pan.

OP posts:
ShotsFired · 27/05/2017 23:23

@theclick You know what, I don't know why. His dad always used to do it with his mum. He has a real aversion to it. To be fair I do the shopping list and know what to get etc, but I don't know why he can't spare 30 mins of his time to do it. That is all it takes if I actually remember to bring my list with me. It's just a faff.

My OH used to moan and gripe about the shopping. For some reason he seemed to think I enjoyed it as a highlight of my week! Hmm

He no longer thinks that Grin and (mostly) not a peep from him if we go together.

ShotsFired · 27/05/2017 23:24

(Italic fail there, sorry. First whole para was quoting theclick)

SomeOtherFuckers · 27/05/2017 23:33

@theclick usually just a note saying 'rubbish in the bin please' with an upside down smiley ... it'll make his friends feel awkward/embarrassed so they'll do it

PlaymobilPirate · 27/05/2017 23:35

Honestly, I'd pick my battles. It's crisp packets and glasses, not crack pipes. Tell him to clean up - if he doesn't ram them all in a carrier bag and hoy it in the boot of his car. Repeat until sorted.

HandbagCrazy · 27/05/2017 23:46

I don't understand half of the responses on here.

As you said OP, you have a DH problem: he sounds hugely selfish from what you've posted, however, you're not helping this by doing the running around, providing drinks and snacks and doing the cleaning then building up resentment against your DH.

1- DH needs to step up and help carry the heavy bags. Do you drive? If yes, go shopping then get DH to bring it all in.
2 - DO NOT make any snacks, bring any drinks or do anything even slightly helpful when his friends come over.
3 - Give your DH a heads up that anything not tidied away by his friends will be left for him - and do not relent.

CherryMintVanilla · 27/05/2017 23:47

If you can stand it, let the downstairs get messy, run down the supplies of decent food and drink and stock up on things like healthy grains, water and fresh veg. Be too busy to run out and get anything else. They'll probably just order in a takeaway but at least then it will be their money/food, not yours.

And ignore the aftermath mess however long it sits out.

Your DH needs to know he married a partner, not acquired a free skivvy.

Slimthistime · 27/05/2017 23:50

If he can't be arsed to shop how will he look after a baby?! Ask him that.

Also, go shopping for your food only. Fair enough if he won't do it.

Slimthistime · 27/05/2017 23:51

PS when I was at school, there was a "joke" about what WIFE stood for. Don't be that woman.

Original poster
theclick · 28/05/2017 00:04

I do drive, I've already decided if i go on my own tomorrow I won't be bringing the bags in. Bloody hate those huge bags which end up filled to the brim. Will tell him they are in the boot with perishables inside.

He does do work (I've just come upstairs and there are new curtain hooks on the wall that we needed) but he definitely picks and chooses what he wants to do.

OP posts:
Original poster
theclick · 28/05/2017 00:05

If you can stand it, let the downstairs get messy, run down the supplies of decent food and drink and stock up on things like healthy grains, water and fresh veg.

This is the thing, I can't stand mess in the sink or rubbish lying around for that long, I'm not OCD - it just makes the house look like crap. It's been one of my worries with having a baby, how will the house not be messy!

OP posts:
TathitiPete · 28/05/2017 01:06

I agree OP, I don't see why I (or you) should live with a view of filth waiting for DH to realise that HE should clear HIS fucking dishes. Why (the fuck) should I have to do it ALL the time? Angry Angry Angry

NapQueen · 28/05/2017 01:17

You read through each others phones when you are bored? Seriously?

Unless you have literally exhausted all other written works available and leaf through every printed magazine the week it comes out that it utter bollocks. There is heaps abd heaps to read out there that is a damn sight more interesting than whatsapps of a conversation you arent a part of.

My kindest deduction is you read because you are nosy. But i do think its probably because you want to check up on him.

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 28/05/2017 02:05

Actually I would love to read through DH's phone if he would let me. I also know he has some interesting apps and news websites etc. Nosy? Interested? Both I guess. One thing I am certain of is that he has nothing of real importance to hide, he's just pretty private. He could look at mine if he wanted but he's not that bothered.

OP I take it you have already spoken to DH about all of this? I think the standard should be that he leaves the kitchen and living room in the state in which he found it before he had his get together.

The shopping is a separate issue.

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 28/05/2017 02:06

Oh and don't make them food!!!!

emmyrose2000 · 28/05/2017 05:56

Stop. Just stop.

Don't buy or make any snacks. Don't clean up, either before or after. If necessary, pile it all up on his favourite seat/inside his car/wherever will have most impact. Don't do a single thing towards these get togethers. Stick a bin in the living room and tell the guys bluntly to put their rubbish in there.

If you're going to to continue to do any of these things, then it sounds very martyrish.

Shoxfordian · 28/05/2017 06:09

I think you need to speak to your husband about his F1 days and say that you want him to tidy up after his friends. I read the thread but I can't see that you've actually spoken to him?

As for shopping I think you can do online at Asda which is cheap and Tesco. I'd just order it if I were you. Much easier.

BarbaraofSeville · 28/05/2017 06:30

Don't shop for his party snacks. He makes the effort to get them himself and his mates chip in too. If they find themselves with nothing in, they can get delivery.

Don't clean up after the party. Just go and read on your bed or go back out and say you'll come back when it's sorted.

If you don't like the atmosphere when they're watching the race, go out. Go for a walk, cinema, shopping, swim, museum, theatre, spa, see friends or family, whatever.

And you really shouldn't have to do it, but if it seems that you do, explain all the above now in words of one syllable to your DH that you will be going out for the day and he will need to obtain his snacks and clean up after the gathering and you won't be taking any part of any of it and expect to come home to the house in the same state as when you left it.

HerBluebiro · 28/05/2017 07:19

So he hasn't officially told you his mates are coming round? How are you supposed to know to get the snacks in?

We'd never have friends round without telling the other partner. Or more realistically asking permission from the other partner cos they might not want their house invaded. We rarely say no to each other. But we might at any point.

We then both get involved tidying up before/after. And in the cooking.

What will happen if you just don't?

Go out for the day. Phone one of your friends and ask to spend the day with her. Leave him and his mates to it.

Trifleorbust · 28/05/2017 07:27

You don't sound irritated enough. You're pregnant and probably tired. Your DH is treating you like his skivvy. You need to get a lot more indignant about it, because to me you sound resigned.

ShowMePotatoSalad · 28/05/2017 07:29

If my DH refused to come shopping with me to help, I would just go to the shop and buy for myself then let him sort himself out.

LouHotel · 28/05/2017 07:37

I really hope for your sake he steps up when the baby is here. My DH can be a lazy sod when it comes to picking up after himself. But he does all the cooking, hangs washing out and will do the baby stuff without prompting. So in that regard my advice is choose your battles.

However he's an absolute dick not to be carrying heavy bags for you.

Bungleboggs · 28/05/2017 07:42

Can't you nip to the shops and grab plastic cups and paper plates! Chuck everything in a bin bag after?! No cleaning up required Smile

LakieLady · 28/05/2017 07:43

I think your DH and his mates are taking the piss. I'd start making comments about how this will be the last season they can all gather at yours, as the noise/mess etc won't be possible when you have a baby in the house.

I definitely wouldn't be catering for them and I'd also ask them to clean up the mess before they leave, as you're knackered because of the pregnancy.

And I'd do an online shop and arrange a delivery time for when the race is on, but then I'm a nasty cow.

Westray · 28/05/2017 07:49

He sounds quite a catch OP.

swingofthings · 28/05/2017 08:04

You are both acting like self-centered teenagers. His behaviour in regards to his friends coming over and making a mess is unacceptable. He should show some consideration to the fact that it is your house too and control the situation. He isn't though, so just have a calm chat with him, explain why it upset you, say that you need him to tell you in advance when this happens, and that it is his responsibility to clear everything up after they go. Agree that he will ask his friends to go after x o'clock. Your brewing frustration and anger and doing nothing about it but moan is not the way to deal with conflict.

As for the shopping bags? Come on! Many pregnant women carry bags until they are at the end of pregnancy. I did much heavier duty tasks than that when I was almost ready to pop with my two. Pregnancy doesn't make you disabled.

You're about to have a baby, you'll both be chattered and stressed. If can't communicate as adults now, and instead are going to play the tit for tat approach to any conflict, you are going to find it much harder to cope.

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