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To feel disheartened over daughter's decision to become a housewife
351

user1495062634 · 27/05/2017 20:02

Before you jump on me, please read below.

My daughter (aged 24) is a recently qualified midwife, and has been in her new London job for a couple of months. Recently, she informed me she is planning to leave her career behind, as they are trying for a baby, and her ultimate ambition is to become a housewife/stay at home mum. Admittedly, her and her new husband are financially well-off, and so she doesn't have the financial incentive to work.

It's all so clear to her, but so, so muggy for me. I can't get my head around it and feel so disappointed. After 3 years of gruelling training at university, landing a London hospital job and beginning to move up the ranks, I just can't understand how she can give it all up so easily. This also isn't a job she can easily pick back up where she left, after so many years of not practising she will have to go back and retrain, if that's what she decided to do.

This doesn't come as a complete shock - she has always dreamt of being a housewife/SAHM, ever since being a teenager - but I'm astounded she's really going ahead with it now.

I have not yet spoken to her about how I truly feel, and my plan is to await responses on here before deciding on whether to do that, and how to say it.

I'd appreciate your thoughts.

OP's posts:
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MrsDustyBusty · 27/05/2017 20:05

How is she going to protect herself financially? Have they legally binding agreements regarding access to money and what will happen if he can no longer work? What will the expectations be?

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Mrskeats · 27/05/2017 20:05

I guess she's an adult and has to make her own decision but in your shoes I think I would feel as you do.
What was the point of all that training for one thing?

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opinionatedfreak · 27/05/2017 20:05

I wouldn't say too much as it is her life and her life choices etc.

When friends have raised similar issues with me I normally talk about pension provision and how opting fully out of the workforce it is really difficult to get back in, I know loads of nurses (not midwives albeit) who do minimal amounts of clinical work to maintain their registration and NI contributions while their kids are small.

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Mrskeats · 27/05/2017 20:05

Is she married?

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Cupcakegirl13 · 27/05/2017 20:06

I'd say let her get on with it , pre children we all have dreams and as you know life changes drastically when they arrive , she may love being a stay at home mum or she may be keen to get back to work for something different to do. Either way she is very young to be making permanent decisions so try not to get disheartened she has years of working life ahead if she wants !

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Dogivemeabreak · 27/05/2017 20:06

She's 24, an adult, it's really none of your business.

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AgentProvocateur · 27/05/2017 20:06

If that was always her ambition, why did she even bother training as a midwife? I'd be disappointed too, OP.

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fufulina · 27/05/2017 20:07

Don't say a word. Her life. Her decisions. I agree with pp - financial independence is a big thing for me, but not for everyone. And if you say anything she can construe as. It supportive, that could really affect your relationship. Just support her in her choices - and keep your opinions to yourself.

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ExplodedCloud · 27/05/2017 20:07

OP says 'her and her new husband' so married

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fufulina · 27/05/2017 20:07

'not supportive'

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IloveBanff · 27/05/2017 20:08

Mrskeats "Is she married?"

The OP mentioned her daughter's new husband.

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Mrskeats · 27/05/2017 20:08

Oh yes I missed that
That's something then

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ijustwannadance · 27/05/2017 20:09

Good job she met someone who could financially support her life choice, especially in London.

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TheWitTank · 27/05/2017 20:09

In the nicest possible way, mind your own business. It is her life to live, not yours. Planning to be at home with her family isn't a bum move and doesn't make her hard work and success any less of an achievement. You tell her, she will be upset and/or pissed off with you.

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Justanothernameonthepage · 27/05/2017 20:09

I understand why you're disappointed....but honestly, she's an adult and telling her about how it makes you feel probably isn't the right thing to do. But do (gently) tell her that you're proud of her for doing a job that can be difficult and for achieving what she has. Check she's thought of the financial side of things and encourage her to perhaps think of it as a career break more than just stopping it.

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FairlyConstantNameChanger · 27/05/2017 20:10

Would she consider doing bank work to at least keep her registration up?

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redcaryellowcar · 27/05/2017 20:11

I'm not a midwife, but left my very full time job with lots of travel after we had our first baby, I don't regret leaving that job, but do think from a sanity point of view, I wish that going back in a very part time capacity (maybe a day or two a week) had been possible as I will now really struggle to get back into work and will almost certainly not be able to go back to a very similar job to the one I had and certainly not on the same pay.
I have had the benefit of having lots of time and great flexibility with my lovely children, but I do have family nearby and could have relied on them with a bit of nursery to help look after the small ones!

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DecisionsDecisions33 · 27/05/2017 20:15

I'd persuade her to continue and go part time

My DH earns £95k plus bonus etc and with one child it was do able. But with 2-3+ kids, their activities, needing a 7 seater car plus 5 bedroom house (I know not essential) plus cost of their meals too eating out and flight seats we would be hard up now if I didn't work

One toddler child is pretty cheap, older 2-3 kids are much more expensive! My son probably eats £10 worth of food per day.

Gymnastics is £6 per class, ballet is £10, football £7, cricket is £8 etc

A family meal even at Pizza Hut for 5 of us is about £45, zizzi etc would be more

I think sometimes you think you'll save money as you're a SAHM but often you spend more due to extra activities / boredom / leisure

I think she'd be crazy to give it up. I was 25 when had my first and in very similar position and so so glad I pushed myself to get back into banking with a young baby

I don't know a single family in london with a SAHM except 2 where mum as 45 when had first baby and they had paid mortgage off (both women now 53-56)

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Trifleorbust · 27/05/2017 20:16

Her decision entirely. Stay right out of it.

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Empireoftheclouds · 27/05/2017 20:16

She's 24, an adult, it's really none of your business.. That's a really shit way to view things. I will always have an interest in my children's lives. I agree that at 24 she is an adult and the is not much OP can do, but I completely understand the OP way of thinking.

This 'they are an adult' thing doesn't work for me, you don't stop living and caring because your kids have another birthday ffs

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Empireoftheclouds · 27/05/2017 20:16

*loving

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wildflowerfable · 27/05/2017 20:18

I understand why you may not have wanted for her, but she is a grown woman who I'm sure knows what's best for her.

I too had always dreamt of being a sahm. I became pregnant at 23 and had dd shortly before turning 24, in a loving, stable marriage. My parents have both said it's been the making of me, and how much more confident I am. It's difficult, but I truly love being a mum. Although I did enjoy my job, being a mum is what I always knew I was meant to do.

Her career field is difficult to get back into, but if she wants to in the future I'm sure that she can do some further training.

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BouleBaker · 27/05/2017 20:20

As an adult she has free will. As long as it is her and her husbands choice that their relationship and marriage works that way then it is none of your business whatsoever.

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ollieplimsoles · 27/05/2017 20:21

Hmm tough one op, she might be a bit caught up in the excitement of an impending pregnancy and motherhood, once shes had a baby and done a year of mat leave she might be going crazy and want to get back to it.

I worked very hard on my career since I was 22, it was everything to me. When I got married and fell pregnant all I cared about was having my baby. Then she was born and I would have happily thrown my career down the toilet to be with her 24/7.

20 months in I'm so glad I went back to work.

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HildaOg · 27/05/2017 20:22

I would be pissed off and very disappointed in her. Once you're out of the workforce, it's impossible to get your foot back in the door and you'll never be on equal footing with peers who had the sense to continue working.

Her husband will lose respect for and interest in her very quickly because when you stop working your world becomes tiny and insular, your brain turns to mush. She'll have no pension, no financial protection and in the event of a divorce she'll be fucked because judges will expect her to financially support herself because she can. But she'll never be what she could have been...

How does she expect to turn up to a job interview in ten or twenty years having never had a job? I would want to strangle her for her stupidity.

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