To feel disheartened over daughter's decision to become a housewife

[user1495062634]

Before you jump on me, please read below.

My daughter (aged 24) is a recently qualified midwife, and has been in her new London job for a couple of months. Recently, she informed me she is planning to leave her career behind, as they are trying for a baby, and her ultimate ambition is to become a housewife/stay at home mum. Admittedly, her and her new husband are financially well-off, and so she doesn't have the financial incentive to work.

It's all so clear to her, but so, so muggy for me. I can't get my head around it and feel so disappointed. After 3 years of gruelling training at university, landing a London hospital job and beginning to move up the ranks, I just can't understand how she can give it all up so easily. This also isn't a job she can easily pick back up where she left, after so many years of not practising she will have to go back and retrain, if that's what she decided to do.

This doesn't come as a complete shock - she has always dreamt of being a housewife/SAHM, ever since being a teenager - but I'm astounded she's really going ahead with it now.

I have not yet spoken to her about how I truly feel, and my plan is to await responses on here before deciding on whether to do that, and how to say it.

I'd appreciate your thoughts.

[C0untDucku1a]

Ive a masters degree and a life long ambition to be a sahm / housewife. The dream also includes a cleaner, someone to do the ironing and someone to cook.

On closer inspection my actual dream is not to be a housewife, but a lady who lunches.

Nobody has the right to queation my dream! especially after 16 bastard years at the chalk face

[Fairylea]

KC225 I agree. I also think it's dreadful how people are so quick to say someone will never work again if they have a career break. We are living and working longer than ever before. To say someone has essentially chucked their career down the pan at 24 because they want to be a stay at home parent is madness.

My mum went back to work aged 60 after being at home for 30 years. Sure it wasn't a high level position but she made a living for herself and was even offered a supervisor role. We shouldn't be so quick to write people off. Having a break of several years with good training behind someone really isn't the end of the world and there's plenty of chance they will be able to return to that role if they wish.

[Iwasjustabouttosaythat]

She's only 24! If being a SAHM doesn't suit her there's plenty of time to retrain. She's chosen a career that will always be in demand.

I don't know why you're so shocked, OP. She always wanted to be a SAHM, she was lucky enough to meet someone who can support her doing that, and she has a back-up careeer in case it doesn't work out. Your daughter is getting what she wants out of life. How can you not be happy for her?

Society badly undervalues the work of SAHPs, mothers and fathers. To be there for your children when they need you, to teach them and care for them 24/7 is a privilege. You've raised a person who wants to be with her children above all else. This is not a bad thing!

I think you need to take a step back and realise your daughter has got herself into a very good spot in life. You should be proud of her. Please don't let her think you disapprove of hr when she's just doing what feels right to her.

At the end of a long life she will look back and have more memories of her own babies than other people's babies. That is lovely. Support her.

[BonnieF]

If, when I was 24, my mother had commented on my career choices and her 'feelings' toward them, the ensuing conversation would not have gone well. For her.

By all means try to make constructive suggestions about maintaining her registration etc, but it's her life and her decision. Your 'feelings' are irrelevant.

[HorridHenryrule]

Another thread in two days about SAHM's I wonder if there's a pattern happening.

[Naturebabe]

I think it's her choice, her life and you have to let it go. Why are you so invested in her life decisions? What did it mean to you that she was a midwife? This is more about you TBH.

[HorridHenryrule]

The op didn't return in the last thread on surprise surprise SAHM.

[lalalalyra]

She's 24. Even if she has a baby next year and stays home until the child is 20 she'll only be 44 - that'll probably be 30 years from retirement so plenty of time to retrain or work or whatever.

I'd be asking my DD practical questions. I'm a SAHM. I have no intention of going back to work.

However I have a pension that is regarded as equally important as DH's. Our money is still regarded as our money. I have an equal amount of personal spending money each month. Our savings are also not just in one name either.

Also we've talked about EVERYTHING. I know what I expect from my DH. He knows what he expects from me. I'm a SAHM. I do voluntary work. I'll do more when the kids are all at school. I am NOT the household skivvy. I'm not DH's maid and he and the children still have chores, the children are not only my job.

He hasn't quickly lost respect for me or any of that bullshit. However, I truly believe we've managed better than a few couples I know because we talked about it. All of it. We're not going to be caught out in a couple of years because we discover he's assuming I'll start work when the youngest starts nursery etc.

If she's been utterly sensible, if they've truly considered everything then you should be proud of her - it takes a lot to go for what you want in life. Just make sure she's thought everything through.

[TalkinPeece]

"Employment" is a bit of a philosophical point.

12 Women in a street all staying at home looking after their own child
= 0% employment
= 100% unproductive SAHM
12 women in a street all moving one door to the left and being paid to look after another child
= 100% employment
= 0% unproductive SAHM

and yet what is happening has not changed

[category12]

She may well find it isn't what she thought it would be.

Support her now. Support her later.

At least she's married and if it goes to shit she has some protections.

[NotMyPenguin]

Totally agree with those suggesting part time work. It's surprisingly invigorating to get a break from being a stay at home parent, and luckily midwifery is a profession where this is possible.

With that said -- what a luxury to have the option of being a stay at home parent. It's so good for children, especially those under two. A lot of parents wish they could afford to stay off work and give their children their time and attention instead, and it's a really cool thing to want (and be able) to do.

But yes, obviously it would be even better to maintain a professional standing on the side and then she would also be able to return to a career after the children get older.

[stuntcamel]

Whatever you think OP, please keep it to yourself and don't let her know that you are disappointed in her.

[WhatToDoAboutThis2017]

If she's happy, you shouldn't interfere.

[HoldBackTheRain]

Got to laugh at those berating women preferring to stay at home and raise their kids rather than persue a career. Each is up to the individual. It's those if you with attitudes like this that give feminism a bad name. Appalling and ignorant.

[Doyouthinktheysaurus]

Well, you can't just do 'the odd bank shift' to maintain your registration anymore. With revalidation, maintaining your registration takes a lot more effort and practice hours.

Ultimately it's her choice but it's a sad waste of NHS resources and a training place. Also, in my experience, the NHS can be a flexible employer in terms of part time working so it seems unnecessary as well to give up financial independence completely.

[TheWitTank]

I don't understand the posts telling the op to suggest that her DD -an educated, financially stable and married adult -do this and that. It's not up to her to suggest anything. She is 24, not 16.

[TheWitTank]

I just don't understand the opinion that the daughter must be some scatter brained nit wit who can't make her own decisions about her own life.

[SleightOfHand]

Some of the comments on this thread towards women that choose to be a SAHP are truly awful, so little respect for such an important job.

OP, it's none of your business, it really isn't.

[RainbowsAndUnicorn]

I'd feel the same but we can only guide adult children and they have to make their own decisions. I would be telling her she wasted a lot of funding and a place on a course that is highly competitive in places.

If she felt from an early age that she didn't want to work, the time to intervene was then. Too late now she is an adult.

[Foureyesarebetterthantwo]

The OP isn't trying to stop her, she's wondering whether to say anything at all.

I think that depends on the type of relationship you have, most family relationships work best when you don't offer unsolicited advice, but you may have a very upfront 'discuss everything' type of a relationship. I'd be honest about my concerns, but I wouldn't tell anyone to do anything. I'd also say you will fully support her whatever, as that's more important than being 'right' even if there was an obvious right path, which there isn't.

[user1487175389]

God there are some nasty posts on here.

Looking after a baby is tough, demanding work. If she wasn't planning to do it herself, she'd be paying her salary as a midwife to a childcare professional to do it for her, because that is what the job is worth.

She's not lazy, she's just high on pregnancy hormones and love, and sooner or later she'll realise she needs to get back to paid work for her own sanity.

[HorridHenryrule]

Are you doing a thesis on SAHP?

[Roomster101]

I don't blame you for being disappointed. I don't care what other women do but I certainly wouldn't be happy if my DDs decided not to have a career and be financially dependent on their husband especially at such a young age. The fact that she is planning to give up her career before she is even pregnant makes me wonder if she is not enjoying being a midwife though and wants to leave nursing anyway.
Hopefully in the future, she will change her mind about having a career and will do something she really enjoys, perhaps once her children have started school.

[FairlyConstantNameChanger]

To be fair midwifery (especially in London) is a gruelling career which is often not at all family friendly. When I started off (HCP but not midwife) in my training I could not have understood or foreseen how difficult managing my job with children would be.

An occasional bank shift would not be enough for revalidation but regular very part time bank work would be I would think. Her decision of course but a return to practice course is not fun.

(Not a SAHM but did give up a frontline role and am pretty part time now). Pea , don't feel guilty. If there was more support in place less midwives might leave.

[1golfterrace]

I am a (very happy) housewife. I went back to work part time after my first child. Two years of juggling work, childcare and general life I'd had enough. I didn't care about my work as I had done before dd was born. I stepped off the merry-go-round.

I struggled with my decision at first, but now, having seen the benefits of being available at all times for my children I am glad I did it. I feel lucky that I am able to be at home for my children. And no my brain hasn't turned to mush.