Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel disheartened over daughter's decision to become a housewife

351 replies

user1495062634 · 27/05/2017 20:02

Before you jump on me, please read below.

My daughter (aged 24) is a recently qualified midwife, and has been in her new London job for a couple of months. Recently, she informed me she is planning to leave her career behind, as they are trying for a baby, and her ultimate ambition is to become a housewife/stay at home mum. Admittedly, her and her new husband are financially well-off, and so she doesn't have the financial incentive to work.

It's all so clear to her, but so, so muggy for me. I can't get my head around it and feel so disappointed. After 3 years of gruelling training at university, landing a London hospital job and beginning to move up the ranks, I just can't understand how she can give it all up so easily. This also isn't a job she can easily pick back up where she left, after so many years of not practising she will have to go back and retrain, if that's what she decided to do.

This doesn't come as a complete shock - she has always dreamt of being a housewife/SAHM, ever since being a teenager - but I'm astounded she's really going ahead with it now.

I have not yet spoken to her about how I truly feel, and my plan is to await responses on here before deciding on whether to do that, and how to say it.

I'd appreciate your thoughts.

OP posts:
FrenchMartiniTime · 27/05/2017 20:22

Maybe because she's lazy and has found a gravy train?

Why use your brain when you can just live off a man?

I'm not a massive feminist but your daughter gives woman a bad name.

HotelEuphoria · 27/05/2017 20:23

I would also feel pretty disappointed that she let the NHS fund her training only for her to drop out so soon. She took a massively oversubscribed place, qualified as a professional at the tax payers expense and has given very little back.

Spoken as a mother whose a DD is doing a similar training. Sorry, not your fault OP.

CowParsleyNettle · 27/05/2017 20:25

I love being a house wife, I find it much more fulfilling than my career.

I've actually continued my professional training whilst being a housewife, just like my mother gained a degree whilst being a housewife.

I really love being a SAHP, it's hard work but rewarding and having a husband who works long hours it's great to have his supper ready and a tidy house when he gets back from work. It's probably hugely non-PC to say this but it's how I feel, I'm very lucky to have scored my dream job!

Empireoftheclouds · 27/05/2017 20:27

Her husband will lose respect for and interest in her very quickly because when you stop working your world becomes tiny and insular, your brain turns to mush. fuck sake

Gingerbreadmam · 27/05/2017 20:27

I would definitely mention your opinions on the situation. Not in a way where you are telling her what to do or judging her but it's ok to have an opinion even if it's not one dd agrees with.

FWIW a very dear friend met someone got pregnant and decided she would be a stay at home mum as they could afford it. It shocked me. For me it seemed to go against every grain of the person she is, relying on someone else financially they're not married, no joint accounts or mortgages or anything baby is a few months old now and she already has a return date Grin things change when first babys come along.

nannybeach · 27/05/2017 20:27

I can see you would be frustrated, course, she may not get pregnant its not guaranteed, so being a SAHM and housewife is a goal for some hummmm. She may think its all terribly wonderful having a baby as she has been delivering them, may change her mind.

barrygetamoveonplease · 27/05/2017 20:28

She's 24, an adult, it's really none of your business.
I agree.
You lit the blue touch paper. Now you stand back.

Trifleorbust · 27/05/2017 20:28

FrenchMartiniTime

Bollocks. Wanting to stay at home to care for your child is not giving anyone a bad name. DFO.

Fairylea · 27/05/2017 20:28

To turn it on its head if this is what she's always dreamed of, be happy for her...?

Not everyone wants a career or to work. If she has the choice to stay at home and she's married so protecting herself financially then that's fine isn't it really. What is life if it isn't about doing what makes you happy?

I say that as someone who turned down a place at Oxford to stay home and look after dd. Many years later (after a divorce) I returned to work and worked my way up into quite a senior role in marketing in the city of London and was so miserable I then chucked it all in, moved to Norfolk and worked part time in a minimum wage job. I then met my now dh and decided to stay home again and had another child. I hate working - too much stress and I don't like being around other people much - I'd happily stay home forever.

Everyone is different.

sunshinesupermum · 27/05/2017 20:28

I empathise. But it is her life and her choice. Her training will stand her in good stead should she ever change her mind. Flowers

TheWitTank · 27/05/2017 20:29

I've read some shit on here in my time but your brain turning to mush and giving women a bad name by being a financially stable SAHM is fucking ridiculous. And before I get any accusations of being touchy, I run my own business so its nothing to do with that.

LovingLola · 27/05/2017 20:31

What is so awful about wanting to care for your own children?

FlyingElbows · 27/05/2017 20:31

Only on mn does choosing to look after your own children make you the human equivalent of venereal disease. What you're reading here is not "feminism" in action it's full on flag waving misogyny, the very worst kind. But what would I know being a parasite with mush for brains?'

user1493759849 · 27/05/2017 20:32

I agree the 'it's sod all to do with you' attitude is horrible.

I am all for women being SAHM's if they want to be, but it seems bizarre to train so hard for a career like this and then not bother to do anything with your qualification. Hell will freeze over before I stop caring about my (adult) children, and I think I am entitled to an opinion on what they do, especially if I think they are making a mistake.

I would suggest she at least goes part time.

intravenouscoffee · 27/05/2017 20:32

She hasn't had a baby yet. Keep quiet, support her decision and see how she feels in the longer term. Lots of people think that being at home with a baby will be bliss until they actually do it!

LoisWilkersonsLastNerve · 27/05/2017 20:34

I gave up a career to be a SAHM, now I am older and wiser, I see it wasn't a good idea but was determined. In my case though, I had tried to go back after having my first dc but commuting, tiredness, childcare costs made it so difficult, I gave up so not quite the same as your DD. She maybe has rose tinted glasses on. Ultimately its her business.

JacquesHammer · 27/05/2017 20:34

I'm not a massive feminist but your daughter gives woman a bad name

What utter bollocks.

She is making a valid life choice. She is an adult. It is totally their choice.

AngeloMysterioso · 27/05/2017 20:34

I think it's a shame that she took up an NHS funded university place when it could have gone to someone who was genuinely committed to a career in midwifery

littletwofeet · 27/05/2017 20:35

I have been a SAHM/housewife for about 5 years, previously in a professional job.

I am sooooo much happier, love my life and wish I'd done it sooner.

I'd be gutted if my mum felt like you (I hope she doesn't).

Be happy for your DD that she has achieved what she's always wanted to do. She's also got a profession behind her if she does want to return to work (even if it means some re-training) plus she could do the occasional bits of work such a private midwife/Douala if she wanted.

I hope that I can be proud of my DC whatever they do when they are older. My main aim is for them to be happy.

JacquesHammer · 27/05/2017 20:35

your brain turns to mush

Speak for yourself.

fc301 · 27/05/2017 20:36

OP please please do not express to her your disappointment in her life decisions. Nothing good will come of it.
Work is just work. I've done (& do) both. Raising my children is the most meaningful thing I will ever do.

PeaFaceMcgee · 27/05/2017 20:37

I have also done a midwifery degree in central London and I cannot describe the levels of stress, depression and burn out that exists within the profession - it's across the board including students, newly qualifieds and longer qualifieds.

So much bullying, so much firefighting and lack of support. Knives always out in some units.

One of my cohort killed herself after working just a few short months as she thought she was responsible for an adverse outcome and it wasn't handled properly by the hospital.

Be under no illusion that this is an easy decision for her. If anything it takes a lot of bravery to change course in your life when everyone else thinks you must be crazy.

She could always go back to it, or do something related. At least 50% of my cohort couldn't hack it in central London, so go easy on her. It's her life, please support her.

ohtheholidays · 27/05/2017 20:37

I wouldn't say anything negative to your Daughter I know it's been a shock for you and your allowed to be disapointed but for the sake of yours and your Daughters relationship and I wouldn't share that with her.

She may have a year of being at home with a baby and being a housewife and decide it's not for her and go back to work.Or she may love it,either way if you push against her decision to much and show your disappointment to freely even if she does decide she wants to go back she might find it to difficult to effectively be telling you that you were right!

Cackleberry4 · 27/05/2017 20:38

Whilst I admire her wanting to be a SAHM.

I am a tad infuriated she has taken up a palacement for midwifery and is going to walk away so soon.. There is a shortage of midwives and to have someone simply flirt with the profession I frustrating.

Leonardo44 · 27/05/2017 20:39

I would love to be a sahm/housewife but I agree it's not practical if things go tits up.

I would try and encourage her to do one shift a week so that she still has the option to go back if she wants/needs to but ultimately it's her life. She could get a bank contract and then she's free to work as little as she likes. Does she enjoy her job?