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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel disheartened over daughter's decision to become a housewife

351 replies

user1495062634 · 27/05/2017 20:02

Before you jump on me, please read below.

My daughter (aged 24) is a recently qualified midwife, and has been in her new London job for a couple of months. Recently, she informed me she is planning to leave her career behind, as they are trying for a baby, and her ultimate ambition is to become a housewife/stay at home mum. Admittedly, her and her new husband are financially well-off, and so she doesn't have the financial incentive to work.

It's all so clear to her, but so, so muggy for me. I can't get my head around it and feel so disappointed. After 3 years of gruelling training at university, landing a London hospital job and beginning to move up the ranks, I just can't understand how she can give it all up so easily. This also isn't a job she can easily pick back up where she left, after so many years of not practising she will have to go back and retrain, if that's what she decided to do.

This doesn't come as a complete shock - she has always dreamt of being a housewife/SAHM, ever since being a teenager - but I'm astounded she's really going ahead with it now.

I have not yet spoken to her about how I truly feel, and my plan is to await responses on here before deciding on whether to do that, and how to say it.

I'd appreciate your thoughts.

OP posts:
IonaNE · 27/05/2017 20:41

If they can afford it, she is right to do it. A much better life than juggling a job and kids.

Foureyesarebetterthantwo · 27/05/2017 20:41

I would feel delighted if she felt happy in her relationship/marriage and wanted to have children.

I'd also feel fine about her taking a year or two out of the workplace, or even longer term, but would strongly emphasise the importance of keeping up her registration so as to have the option of working later down the line.

I wouldn't feel happy about her doing costly paid for training on the NHS public purse and doing it for only a year or two.

I would be a tad disappointed, but I would also think she was a bit naive and would work out that there's plenty of part-time jobs in the NHS/may be advantages to being employable (fine to be dependent for a while, not fine to give up chance of ever being employable) in case she does need to be financially independent later on.

Don't sweat it, what you intend isn't always what happened, I intended to give up work whilst pregnant, instead I carried on in my field and have ended up loving my career.

She has to find her own way through this.

crazykitten20 · 27/05/2017 20:42

Good lord. Some of your comments. Oy vey 😳

Have an accepting non judging conversation with your daughter ( who you love with no conditions therefore no need for you to feel disappointment) about pensions and career breaks and how to keep her qualifications up to date.

Then cheer her on in her life choices.

Empower her to make those choices freely and joyfully.

And if it goes bad be there to support and help her.

That's what parents do (imo)

dataandspot · 27/05/2017 20:43

I would like to point out that being married is not some magical protection.

My ex and many others do all they can not pay for their children. My ex didn't want me to work, said we would not split , didn't make sense for me to work when he earns so much etc etc etc

ha fucking ha..... I have two additional needs children and he doesn't give a fuck that I have no pension, patchy child support, appeals to get dla etc

I tell every girl, teen, women I come into contact with never completely give up work. Always keep your hand in at some level.

Rockspin · 27/05/2017 20:43

Wait and see OP. I had the opportunity to be a SAHM and for years thought I'd love it and I was so looking forward to it. But reality was very different and as much as I love my children, I felt so unfulfilled without work. Until you're living that life you don't really know for sure it's for you so I'd wait and see until the reality is here before you get too disappointed.

InDubiousBattle · 27/05/2017 20:44

I don't think you should say anything. My dad has made his displeasure/disappointment known about me becoming a SAHM, and whilst we are still close it has affected our relationship. It's something we just can't talk about.

Can't you be happy that she's living precisely the life she's always wanted?

drinkingtea · 27/05/2017 20:45

Hilda what deeply unpleasant nonsense you spout.

YoshimiPt2 · 27/05/2017 20:46

I gave up my career to be a SAHM. It was a huge mistake. Much of what HildaOg says applies to me unfortunately.

I don't know if its wrong to share your views like some posters have suggested, I can understand how you feel. I think however she is unlikely to change her mind so I'm not sure it would achieve much.

TheweewitchRoz · 27/05/2017 20:48

I agree with crazykitten but sadly also agree with Data after having seen first hand what has happened to a few friends who were SAHMs based on their husbands jobs & his level of income & then were literally up shit creek when he decided he didn't want to be married anymore (nor pay for their own DC sadly either).

Xmasbaby11 · 27/05/2017 20:51

I wouldn't panic too much as it isn't even imminent yet. She may feel differently once she's had the baby, and realise she misses work or that it's too much to give up. Equally she may stick to her plans. You can only point out the benefits of continuing work, and ultimately you need to support her.

If she's working shifts and or long hours, she may be thinking it'd be too difficult with a young family - which is very sensible! As others say, there may be better job options for her and she's just not looking into it yet.

I think sometimes when you work very hard, you do really really look forward to time off work to focus on your kids. For most people that's maternity leave but if she wants longer off, it is understandable. A lot of my mum friends would rather not work but feel they have to, usually for money, or to keep career going, or for future financial protection in case of a split. I'm not saying it's wrong - it isn't - just that there are still many mothers who would be happy to be sahm if the cucumstances were right.

Beachhairdontcare · 27/05/2017 20:51

I'm with PeaFace. I've trained and worked on a labour ward in London, it can be bloody awful on so many levels. I'm sure you are incredibly proud that she survived it, qualified and has got a job. If she chooses to leave I can't blame her, perhaps suggest that she does the odd bank shift to maintain her registration, or in years to come she can return to practice or retrain as a health visitor. There are still lots of options. If she's 'always dreamed' of being a sahm then let her do it. She might decide that the grass is not necessarily greener....

nuttyknitter · 27/05/2017 20:52

I took ten years out to be a SAHM. My DC, all in their 30s now, have all said how much they appreciated me being at home. When my youngest was 5 I took up my career again and had another 25 very happy and successful years. I loved my job, have a good pension and don't regret my career break at all.

MatildaTheCat · 27/05/2017 20:54

I was a midwife for many years and had my DC in my mid twenties so can see this situation form both sides. It is hard working as a mw with young DC. Childcare is a nightmare because the shifts are different every week so booking nursery, for example is only possible if you book full time despite only needing, maybe 2-3 days.

The shifts are brutal. 12-13 hours plus travel and inevitable delays getting away are the norm. You need a partner who can always be there at night in case you are on call or on night shift. A partner who can go to school events that you cannot attend. A partner who will cope with spending Christmas Day at home with the DC if you are working.

Part time is possible but still all of the same applies, it's very unusual to be given a fixed work pattern.

For all of these reasons, plus the ones cited above by pea, midwifery has a huge drop out rate. To blame the midwives for this is so unfair when so little is done to support them to stay. The pay is relatively poor and the stress, unless you've experienced it, is hard to describe. Some midwives love delivery suite and the adrenaline, some prefer the quieter pace of another area ( relative to DS and not quiet at all, in fact) yet until much later in your career you get little choice where you are working.

I did it and I'm glad because after the DC were at school it was far easier but boy, was it hard. So I would not judge your dd as such but support her in exploring ways she could develop her practice to make some work possible should she choose to do some. It is,mof course, also one of the best and most rewarding careers.

She may be exhausted and stressed and be in the fortunate position of having a choice. So help her see ways in which she might be able to maintain her precious registration and some financial independence. But try not to be angry with her.

MudCity · 27/05/2017 20:55

I'd be disappointed too, not least in the fact that she has taken up a NHS funded training place without demonstrating commitment to midwifery as a career.

FairlyConstantNameChanger · 27/05/2017 20:56

Actually having thought of it more I do understand some of the many challenges in midwifery and can totally see why it does not entice people to stay. Matilda and pea explain it well. It would still be good for her to maintain her registration but it has to be her choice of course.

Fairylea · 27/05/2017 20:56

The thing is, as someone who has been through a deeply unpleasant divorce, you shouldn't live your life worrying about the what ifs all the time. If being a stay at home parent is what someone wants to do, they should do it if they can afford to. Life is too short to worry about what might happen in the future. We all might die tomorrow, you can't live your life worrying about something (divorce) that may or may not happen.

I was left near destitute after my divorce and I still do not regret for one second the choices I made to work less and stay home with my dd. I could never have got that time at home and those memories back.

dnwig · 27/05/2017 20:58

I took 12 years out of my (medical ) career, mostly because I wanted to be there for my children. No regrets!

Am back in my career now and enjoying it.

She may be able to go back to work if she wants to.

Wishspex · 27/05/2017 20:58

Her husband will lose respect for and interest in her very quickly

Sorry to be blunt but what the actual FUCK?!

PeaFaceMcgee · 27/05/2017 21:00

Thank you to those who agreed with me - I still feel guilty for leaving midwifery and telling my mother was one of the scariest things I've ever done!

sadsquid · 27/05/2017 21:00

Her husband will lose respect for and interest in her very quickly because when you stop working your world becomes tiny and insular, your brain turns to mush.

That's funny, my husband gets this look on his face sometimes. Like when I score firsts on every essay I produce all academic year, or when I finish writing a chapter of my book, or when I do something great with/for the kids. I thought it was pride, but now I realise it must be disinterest and disrespect.

KC225 · 27/05/2017 21:01

You know what disappoints me - the number of women condemning and demeaning the choice of an educated woman. Sometimes I think women are their own worst enemies. They are so quick to stick the boot in it makes me feel quite ashamed.

Wishspex · 27/05/2017 21:03

Fully agree KC225 It's appalling.

YoshimiPt2 · 27/05/2017 21:03

What a lovely positive approach Fairylea.

Sunbeam18 · 27/05/2017 21:03

Is she leaving her job before she's even pregnant? Why??? She might not even be able to have kids, who knows?

NataliaOsipova · 27/05/2017 21:04

What is so awful about wanting to care for your own children?

Absolutely. Some of the shit posted on here is breathtaking. I had what you'd call a serious professional job. And I earned serious money. I have had a serious education. But was any of that more fulfilling than looking after my own children? No, it wasn't. It was more lucrative, sure. And I got to wear clothes that didn't need to be machine washable while I did it. But I don't regret for one minute that I was the person who looked after them rather than paying someone else to have done it.