To feel disheartened over daughter's decision to become a housewife

[user1495062634]

Before you jump on me, please read below.

My daughter (aged 24) is a recently qualified midwife, and has been in her new London job for a couple of months. Recently, she informed me she is planning to leave her career behind, as they are trying for a baby, and her ultimate ambition is to become a housewife/stay at home mum. Admittedly, her and her new husband are financially well-off, and so she doesn't have the financial incentive to work.

It's all so clear to her, but so, so muggy for me. I can't get my head around it and feel so disappointed. After 3 years of gruelling training at university, landing a London hospital job and beginning to move up the ranks, I just can't understand how she can give it all up so easily. This also isn't a job she can easily pick back up where she left, after so many years of not practising she will have to go back and retrain, if that's what she decided to do.

This doesn't come as a complete shock - she has always dreamt of being a housewife/SAHM, ever since being a teenager - but I'm astounded she's really going ahead with it now.

I have not yet spoken to her about how I truly feel, and my plan is to await responses on here before deciding on whether to do that, and how to say it.

I'd appreciate your thoughts.

Loving and caring for your adult children doesn't mean judging their choices and expressing opinions uninvited. It means supporting them in their choices and living their life as they choose, not as you think they should.

If your opinion is asked for, express it in a respectful way. But if you express it were it isn't wanted or voice some of the opinions aired here...expect your relationship to suffer and for your adult child to distance themselves.

And bollocks can you not return to midwifery or nursing after a career break.

She's an adult and it's her life. If you are too judgmental of her choice you may end up pushing her away.

I made the same decision. I am aware I will need to do a retrain full time year but I am in the lucky position where I can afford to spend the time with my children and go and retrain once I'd like to without worrying financially.

My mother was extremely judgmental of this and felt deeply disappointed that I was prepared to 'throw away' everything I'd worked so hard for. She missed my daughters first year but I'm glad she now has learnt to accept that it's my decision and has a fantastic relationship with my children.

HildaOg

"Her husband will lose respect for and interest in her very quickly because when you stop working your world becomes tiny and insular, your brain turns to mush."

May I ask what line of work you're in?

And upon what evidence you're basing that statement?
(Assuming that post in its entirety is not simply extrapolating from your own experience).

FrenchMartini

"Why use your brain when you can just live off a man?
I'm not a massive feminist but your daughter gives woman a bad name."

Arguably not even a minor feminist, by judging a clearly intelligent woman leaving paid employment to be doing so for the sole purpose of "living off a man".
Let alone implying she's incapable of maintaining her own intellect without external input from others.

Women supporting and encouraging each other? Righto...

And bloody he'll maverick, your dd is 24!! She's got decades to meet someone, support her in living her life for herself ffs.

I was a trained primary teacher and gave it up to be a sahm. Loved it. Never regretted my decisions. Gradually l moved back into subbing and finally full time. I love my job now and my colleagues are fed up as never had a break.. My dh had a good salary and supported us all. The nature of his work meant long hours so l was glad to be home. Recently he retired due to ill health so we are glad now to have my salary. She will be fine. She may not get pregnant for a while but whatever happens she will be grand.

I have a friend who has been qualified as a midwife for 2 years. If she could, she would love to give up, if her husband earned enough for her to!

The pressure, even in a non London hospital is great! Absolutely horrendous, to be fair!

If she has realised this before burning out and having a breakdown, then, as a mother, you should be grateful, rather than disappointed!

You being disappointed is unhelpful and irrelevant, and would be harmful to your relationship with your dd if you let her know you are disappointed. It's your dd's career, your dd's life, your dd's choice, not yours. It is valid to be concerned that she might regret it if she lets her registration lapse, or that she may currently be unhappy with her career choice, but ridiculous and extremely harmful to tell her that you feel disappointed in her choices.

Of course you can return after a career break. You'd just have to do some degree of re training, even if just a returners course, and it'll be harder if you never got s lot of experience in practice in the first place. So it seems unlikely in this scenario.

Doesn't necessarily make it a bad idea though.

To those saying she should not have taken the uni place.......

None of us have a clue what it is like till we actually experience it. The training sort of prepares you for it, but in the case of a Midwife, you suddenly, actually have responsibility for two lives, on your very own, with little support. That is terrifying!

You do not get the pressure, until the pressure is on you.

Don't you judge until you have been in that exact position yourself!

What MammaTJ says. 100%.

I would love to have this worry.
My 24 year old DD has not got a boyfriend/partner and just can't seem to meet one

Oh deary, deary me!! Can a woman not function without a man?

Ha. The next thread under 'active' is the one from that DH complaining about his stay at home wife. I agree with you completely OP but not sure what you can do about it, practically speaking.

I could not be a midwife for that reason - I'm too shit scared. Stakes much too high for me, thank you very much. I think it's very understandable to do it for a while and realise it's too much - especially if she went into training as a very young woman. I know I have so much more fear now than I did at 18.

If I'm honest with myself I'd probably be disappointed too if she was my DD. However I'd support her decision and keep my disappointment to myself.

If she lets her registration lapse(and pp are correct that the odd bank shift here and there will not cut it for revalidation) then she can do a return to practice course. Apparently it can be hard work but not impossible.
I'm not surprised she wants to be a sahm to be honest. Working in the NHS and being a mum is hard, they claim to be family friendly but judging by my own and everyone I knows experience it is on the surface only and you constantly have to fight against the system.

I'd say, it'a a valid choice and she's still young. At least she has the relative security of marriage. Let her get on with it. Chances are she'll be bored as sin within five years.

OP I became a SAHM when I was 27 and it was absolutely the right choice for me, my husband, our kids: in short, the best choice for our family. My mother AFAIK wholeheartedly supported my decision (she even came to help out with the grandkids on a regular basis). If she disapproved at all that my 2 degrees wasn't going towards a paid job, she never let me know and I am 100% grateful for her support.

We had a good relationship regardless of minor, usual niggles. If she had expressed disapproval of my life choices, I doubt our relationship would have remained so good.

I'm glad to see the "sisterhood" is so strong and thriving on this thread Way to go about supporting the right for a woman to choose and make her own decisions. It's no wonder parenting is so undervalued when you see some of the mushy brained comments. I guess there's really no point in educating women if all they're going to do is waste their education on raising their children

Don't you just want your child to be happy? My parents made it feel like my only option was to go to uni, I got into every one I applied to, all in the top ten for my subject, two with unconditional offers. I went to my first choice but I was miserable, had a breakdown and dropped out, I was suicidal. Then I found out I was pregnant and everything changed. The moment I held DD in my arms my hideous depression that I'd suffered for years disappeared completely. I live a life now that makes me happy but I was always ashamed to admit I wanted, because people do not consider it a worthy use of time.

I've worked in loads of different jobs and although I've enjoyed them and I think I have been good at everything I've turned my hand to I didn't find it fulfilling. It didn't make my life worth living. Since having DD and becoming a SAHM I am so happy, I feel I have found my purpose and have a reason to live. My brain isn't mush, I spent my whole pregnancy (and continue now) researching and researching everything I could get my hands on about child development and common childhood illnesses, paediatric first aid, vaccinations and positive pregnancy practices, I read academic papers and medical journals which require far more brain power than any other job I've done.

Yes it isn't the most financially astute option, and you may be unlucky and end up in the 50% of people that get divorced. But the majority of these women aren't getting a divorce settlement that will set them up financially for life, and they manage. She always has the option to retrain later. But I wouldn't give up the option to spend my child's first years with them as much as possible. I'd happily struggle for a while if everything did go wrong in my marriage for having that precious time.

I don't see anything negative in raising your own children. If you pay someone else to look after your children then how can you look down on a SAHM? She is doing the same job, just not in a 'professional' capacity. You can put so much effort into making a lovely environment for your child to grow up in, more effort than many put into their office jobs, and probably derive more enjoyment from it too.

It's not your life OP, so not your decision to make. You can state your opinion and concerns but not dictate, and be prepared for it to sour your relationship with your daughter if you phrase it wrong.

A lot of envy on this thread, a doubt most would chose their job if there was no financial incentive to work. Pouring scorn on those fortunate to be doing something they love and derailing the thread into a misogynistic SAHM bashing session is irritating.

Why did she bother training at all if she wasn't going to stick with the job at least for a couple of years? No wonder you are disheartened, I would feel the same.

I think all you can do is make sure it's her choice (which sounds like it is) and that she can change her mind. I would also speak to her about keeping her hand in. Working PT is def worth it IMO.

I work FT and have had short leaves with my 3DC. It worked for us. Doesn't mean it works for everyone.

Her husband will lose respect for and interest in her very quickly because when you stop working your world becomes tiny and insular, your brain turns to mush.

My tutor might disagree with you. I'm currently achieving a distinction in my Philosophy degree while also a SAHM.

HildaOg that was a deeply, deeply unpleasant post. And quite stupid really. Are you saying that all SAHMs are in unhappy marriages? Since their husbands can have no respect for them My DH is a much better man than that thankfully and my brain certainly hasn't "turned to mush". Maybe you're projecting a little and need to worry about your own relationship rather than other people's.

Yanbu OP. I agree somewhat with CoolCarrie's post. I know people must make their own way and own choices, but it's both sad and frustrating when NHS health professionals give up the jobs they've been trained for after a short time when there is such a shortage of them. I guess you just need to support your daughter (but really try and convince her of the benefits of PT work, just a couple of shifts a week).

When I was working as a crime analyst I still found more intellectual stimulation from the reading and thinking I did outside of work, about my children, my wider work field, politics, everything.

I'm sorry for you, Hilda, that the only mental stimulation you can get is from your paid job.

Would you say the same if the SAHM had resigned from an unskilled or low skilled manual job? That wouldn't make much sense, would it? Given that being a SAHM is unarguably at least as mentally challenging as that. Maybe you think women in these jobs have mushy brains right from the start and can't possibly find a husband that respects them?

I would suggest (gently) that she take a full year's maternity leave and then consider. She may feel very differently by then.

The one important lesson that we are teaching our children are to never rely on another person for an income. I say that even though my family are wealthy and I and my daughters have trust funds I have brought them up to work for a living.

zeezeek in that case, both you and your children are relying on others (not your own work) for a living. Working when you don't actually have to, because you'd have money anyway, is not the same as relying only on yourself for an income.