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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel disheartened over daughter's decision to become a housewife

351 replies

user1495062634 · 27/05/2017 20:02

Before you jump on me, please read below.

My daughter (aged 24) is a recently qualified midwife, and has been in her new London job for a couple of months. Recently, she informed me she is planning to leave her career behind, as they are trying for a baby, and her ultimate ambition is to become a housewife/stay at home mum. Admittedly, her and her new husband are financially well-off, and so she doesn't have the financial incentive to work.

It's all so clear to her, but so, so muggy for me. I can't get my head around it and feel so disappointed. After 3 years of gruelling training at university, landing a London hospital job and beginning to move up the ranks, I just can't understand how she can give it all up so easily. This also isn't a job she can easily pick back up where she left, after so many years of not practising she will have to go back and retrain, if that's what she decided to do.

This doesn't come as a complete shock - she has always dreamt of being a housewife/SAHM, ever since being a teenager - but I'm astounded she's really going ahead with it now.

I have not yet spoken to her about how I truly feel, and my plan is to await responses on here before deciding on whether to do that, and how to say it.

I'd appreciate your thoughts.

OP posts:
dataandspot · 27/05/2017 21:36

Fairylea

Could you tell me more about how you mum got back into work?

I need some inspiration!

Voice0fReason · 27/05/2017 21:42

Have they legally binding agreements regarding access to money and what will happen if he can no longer work?
What the fuck is that? Do people actually do that when they get married and have children together? A happily married couple work through problems together.

HildaOg What a truly horrible post. You would be pissed off and disappointed in your child for following their dream and doing what they want with their lives?
Her husband will lose interest and respect in her? Utter bollocks!!

And it's NOT impossible to get back into the workplace. Her training might open up other possibilities for her in the future.

I am appalled at what I have read on this thread. Your job is to guide and support your children into adulthood. Why would anyone be disappointed in their adult child who was living a happy fulfilled life raising children? Since when did that become a symbol of failure?
Be proud of her and be happy for her.

Original poster
user1495062634 · 27/05/2017 21:43

Thank you for your messages so far. She is not aware of how I feel yet, I maintained a very nonchalant stance when she told me her plan for the next few months.

A big tugging part of me is delighted that she feels so loved and settled in their home that she wants to devote her life to it, her relationship and in hopefully the near future, a brood of children. But I just so hoped she would balance that with the profession she's worked so hard for.

Your replies have made me think very hard about her happiness in that profession, however. Probably for professional/confidentiality reasons, she's always been quite closed off when it comes to being asked about how she finds her job and how her day has been etc. So thank you to those of you for offering your insights into life as a London midwife. This also makes me feel rather shameful of how I'm feeling, because whilst I sit here and write this about her, with a cup of tea and my slippers on in front of the TV, she's an hour or so into her 3rd 12 hour night shift in a row, and her next 13 hour shift is on bank holiday Monday. Maybe there's more to this than I thought.
I think I need to talk to her, even if it's just to make sure she's coping OK.

OP posts:
Beachhairdontcare · 27/05/2017 21:48

PeaFace same....I left midwifery and then retrained as a health visitor. My mother still tells everyone I'm a midwife Grin

You're right fairy, sodding revalidation!

Maverick66 · 27/05/2017 21:48

Hi OP

I would love to have this worry.
My 24 year old DD has not got a boyfriend/partner and just can't seem to meet one Sad

So my advice, for what it is worth,would be to express your concerns. Point out the pros and cons and then let her get on with it. As others have said she hasn't been in the situation of being a sahm yet and may decide after experiencing being a sahm that she would actually like to work.

Also I think she is right to consider having her children now when she is young and energetic.

Foureyesarebetterthantwo · 27/05/2017 21:49

user you sounds a lovely mum and hopefully this thread has opened your eyes. I might have thought the same, but working in the NHS on those long shifts which aren't predictable would be a nightmare for childcare, and it seems from the statistics that thousands of midwives and nurses just can't do it any more, and given they have a lot to gain from working and often enjoy their jobs, the fact they are leaving suggests the problem is structural and your daughter shouldn't feel obliged to stay in difficult circumstances not of her own making.

FairlyConstantNameChanger · 27/05/2017 21:52

Foureyes, so, so true sadly. I couldn't do it anymore. I know lots of colleagues in the same position. For my own sanity I got out and was lucky to be able to stay in my profession but take a sideways move.

EC22 · 27/05/2017 21:53

She could still do bank and even if her registers toon lapses return to practice doesn't take all that long.

It's a seriously stressful job though, especially in London so that may be contributing to her decision?

neveradullmoment99 · 27/05/2017 21:54

I think that its good. She wants to bring up her baby. Nothing wrong with that. She can pick up her career later on. Plenty of time. Don't stress. She may even decide, even after she has made a decision that being a SAHM is not for her. She has loads of choices.

SleightOfHand · 27/05/2017 21:55

Women are their own worst enemy, some vile vile comments on this thread, shocking, I didn't realise there's so much hate towards looking after your own children full time.

FairlyConstantNameChanger · 27/05/2017 21:55

She may have seen colleagues run ragged trying to balance young children and work (yes, there are challenges in all jobs but midwifery in London is right up there at the top) and not want that for her family Sad. You sound like a caring mum - have a chat with her over a cup of tea. TBH she may be making a sensible decision (with the caveat of looking into ways to maintain her hard gained registration- I know, I am a stuck record).

Fairylea · 27/05/2017 21:55

Data my mum just applied for everything and anything to be honest! She took herself off to a recruitment agency and got them to help her do a cv. Her cv made it very obvious how old she was in its style and the way it listed how many previous roles she'd had etc so they whittled it down and also changed her lists of things she'd done into attributes for an employer. I won't lie, she did get knocked back lots of times and of course she shouldn't have had to "hide" her age on her cv but it gave her a foot into the door and she managed to get a job working in a theatre in the box office. She also had a teaching assistant role for a while. She's now nearly 70 and is very active and still works part time. She has more of a social life than I do! Grin

TalkinPeece · 27/05/2017 21:59

user
if your DD carries on working then she will have to use a LOT of her wages in childcare
or are you offering to do it for free?

Tory Governments hate SAHMs as they do not generate taxable income
Mumnsnetters have fallen for that same narrow minded approach

Original poster
user1495062634 · 27/05/2017 22:02

I appreciate all of your thoughts. Especially from those who have experienced working in the NHS. I have no experience of healthcare myself, and this kind of insight is really opening my mind as to why my daughter may be thinking what she's thinking. Perhaps even that maybe this 'plan' is her way of coping with the work pressures for now. All I can say is thank you.

OP posts:
PolarBearGoingSomewhere · 27/05/2017 22:08

Are you my mum?!

I qualified aged 23 and discovered I was pregnant during final exams. I worked for about 6 months and did fully intend to go back (although I didn't have a great job - local hospitals were on a recruitment freeze so 38/40 of us from my cohort went into nursing homes, overseas etc) When it.came down to it, I just couldn't face leaving DD, and here we are almost six years later. We are financially comfortable.

I will probably do a return to practice course when the children sre bigger.

I think you just have to let her be. Isn't the old line "as long as they're happy"?

AndyPerkins · 27/05/2017 22:11

my wife wanted to be a housewife.. and then after 12 months of baby sitting, she was clawing at the doors to get out and back to work! :)
time will tell, she's still young!

CheeseQueen · 27/05/2017 22:23

Her husband will lose respect for and interest in her very quickly because when you stop working your world becomes tiny and insular, your brain turns to mush.

Cheeky sod - my brain's fine thank you, and I'm betting with such tripe you'e coming out with your brain is a lot mushier than mine.

Slimthistime · 27/05/2017 22:30

OP "Maybe there's more to this than I thought. "

I think a lot of people go to uni with ambition and energy. Equally a lot of us get to 25 and think the hours just aren't worth it. I was going to have a big career. Now I just work because I have to.

I thought the point that a pp made about 100% employment and looking after your DC or someone else's was very interesting.

Also, aren't midwives in demand? Surely she could return if she wanted to?

LostSight · 27/05/2017 22:36

I trained as a vet. Gave it all up to be a housewife. I lasted five months after the birth. Then I took a part-time job.

The training will stand her in good stead. I bet she'll find something to do with it in future. And if not, it's her decision. I'll be happy if my children are content with their lives, however they choose to lead them.

MissShittyBennet · 27/05/2017 22:38

To say someone has essentially chucked their career down the pan at 24 because they want to be a stay at home parent is madness.

Well, she will have pretty much chucked her midwifery career down the pan if she does that, no? She'd need to keep her registration up and probably do at least a few hours now and then.

That's not to say there couldn't be other opportunities, or that even if there aren't, this isn't a good decision for her. But I can't see how what OP is saying about this ending her career is factually wrong, even if you think she's wrong, should MYOB etc. There are jobs you can leave for a while then go back to no problem but this isn't one of them.

neveradullmoment99 · 27/05/2017 22:39

Women are their own worst enemy, some vile vile comments on this thread, shocking, I didn't realise there's so much hate towards looking after your own children full time.

I think its called guilt although few would admit it.

TalkinPeece · 27/05/2017 22:44

So much nasty sexist bollocks on this thread.

A qualified midwife is just that.
If they take 5 years out and then decide to refresh, the NHS will accept them
as there is a huge shortage of midwives

I get the feeling that there are lot of really jealous women who wish they had been as brave as OP's DD

Bumplovin · 27/05/2017 22:49

I work in the NHS and I can tell you I have a six month old baby and wish I had the guts to leave my career it's really hard even though I love it. I will be going back two and a half days a week but I long to be with my daughter. I'd say good on her ther retraining courses are not too bad I'd lose my registration if I didn't work for 5 years so I'm going back but would love more time with my daughter. If they can afford it and her marriage is secure then I think she is doing the same thing. I always said I'd go back after my first and if o have more children reconsider then however if I did eventually quit then was it really going back to work and missing out on my first child's early years? It's a tricky one it really is id just be there for her and not pass judgement

Bumplovin · 27/05/2017 22:50

The right thing not same

zeezeek · 27/05/2017 22:53

Then she shouldn't have taken the place on the course of someone who would have been more committed.

If either of my daughters say they want to be housewives then I will be very disappointed in them, as will their father. The one important lesson that we are teaching our children are to never rely on another person for an income. I say that even though my family are wealthy and I and my daughters have trust funds I have brought them up to work for a living.

She's very young and idealistic and possibly not yet equipped with the skills needed to do a high pressured job. Hopefully she will come to her senses.