To think that "working mums set a great example to their children" is largely nonsense

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I grew up with a SAHM. It was bloody fantastic! Picked up by my mum, home after school, she came to assemblies, sports days, plays etc, I was able to have friends over after school. Plus I just loved being with my mum after school. There was something homely, comforting and cosy about it.

I didn't give the fact my mum didn't work any thought whatsoever. I worked like a dog for my GCSEs, a-levels, degree, professional exams and got a good well paid interesting career. I gave it up when I had my first child 7 years ago.

I'm a SAHM now, however next year I'm jumping in at the deep end. Will be commuting and long hours in a professional role. A number of people have said to me along the line "oh you'll be setting so much of a better example now for your children".

Am I alone in thinking "wtf?". A 7 year doesn't give a flying fig about whether his mum works. He/she would MUCH prefer mum to be picking him up from school, making his dinner, helping him with his reading, not having to go to a child minder / holiday clubs in the holidays?

It certainly didn't stop me pursuing a very good career, and the school I went to (private academic girls school) the vast majority of mothers didn't work, and many of those girls have gone on to have great career success (medicine, finance etc)

Is this just an argument pulled out by working mums trying to make themselves feel better? I'm going to be a working mum on a few months, and I'm pretty damn sure I'm not going to think that my children are benefiting from the example I'm setting. I think some people forget how self absorbed most children are and seeing you dash off to work to do something important really isn't either here nor there for them!

I never really understand the whole MN obsession with "judging".

I am a wohm. Obviously, I decided that was a better choice than being a sahm. If I didn't think that, I wouldn't be doing it

That is not the same as thinking that other people are stupid or wrong. They make decisions that make sense to them. As is their right. I just happen to see things differently to them.

So no, I won't raise DD to believe all choices about working are equal. Just like I won't raise her to vote Tory, or practice fundamentalist Christianity. Other people can do what they like, but I don't think not working is great, and I won't pretend I do.

Surely the important thing is that children see their parents having choice? It is beneficial for children to see parents making choices and sharing responsibilities, rather than taking the roles expected of them purely because they are expected.

There is no problem with children seeing their mother stay at home and their father work, as long as they also witness their father doing his fair share of the housework and childrearing, and the mother not being financially controlled.

There is no problem with children having both parents work, as long as the parents show their love and affection when they are present, and take an interest in their day, and discuss why they have made the choice to work and the factors that make up that decision. Equally, there is no problem with children having both parents at home, if that is the choice of the parents.

DH and I have done all sorts. We were full time students when DD was born, so in her three years she's had experience of full-time nursery while both of us studied; me working part time, full time and now shifts, DH working part time and full time, both of us being at home in between jobs, and now that neither of us can afford childcare, he is a stay at home dad while I work shifts.

I'm not arrogant enough to think that any of these arrangements will benefit DD more than any other. What will benefit her, I hope, is that she has grown up seeing her parents make choices together, and not falling into the trap of believing that men go out to work while women stay at home, but recognising at the same time that if families do choose that arrangement, it is not a bad thing either.

Some of you are being really bitchy and spiteful about sahm.

I don't give a toss about SAHM v working mum

Well read your post again then, because you clearly do.

My mum worked full time. As a child, I wished that she had been able to stay at home, collect me from school and watch my school plays. My brother and I were sent to a dreadful childminder who was really nice around the parents, but used to shout and swear at all the children once the parents had gone. I still remember the envy I felt when my best friend's mum kissed her goodbye in the playground. She used to give me a kiss too, bless her 😊 Not once as a child would I have thought that my mum is a better role model than my friend's mum because she went to work. I don't believe children see things that way. However my mum had to work to support our family and allow us to have the things we wanted and needed. I always understood and respected that as a child, even if I did feel sad.
I work part time now and feel very grateful for the time I get with my children. I would prefer to be at home all the time, but as with my own mum and many other working mum's, the financial situation doesn't allow that.
Some women love being at home, some women prefer working, some women wish they didn't have to work, some women would hate being at home all the time. All our situations are so different.

My mum was a SAHP, not through choice though (child care fees). I don't think it did her good in end, for her mental health anyway. She was and still is a very good mum, though I think if she had something on the side to do (e.g. Working) she wouldn't of been so down all the time.

Also, whilst growing up, I was envious of the kids who went to theatre holiday camps, interesting holiday clubs.

I work, though I'm still able to do the school runs. I do spend time with DS on the holidays, take him to museums, shows, parks etc. Though I think it is a good for him to socialise with other children ( the majority of DS friends parents, at school, work so organising outings with his friends is difficult !). I also don't think me tagging along with him everywhere is healthy. Plus ! going to certain holiday clubs enhances new interests. It's a balance. So I do a mix, a few days DS will spend time at HC, a few days with me.

So Shasta, if, as you say, my son wouldn't care if I stayed home 5 years or 1, why are you trying to infer that it is better to be at home?

I knew I shouldn't have posted, because these threads are usually populated by people that cannot accept that there is no one right way.

'Is this just an argument pulled out by working mums trying to make themselves feel better? "

Well for one, as a working mum, what would I need to feel better about? I work to provide a better standard of living for my dd and myself, because her dad didn't bother to.
I don't 'pull it out' to make myself feel better. Do I sometimes miss out as I'm working and someone else needs to take my place? Yes I do but the important thing is that someone who loves her and invests in her future as I do is there.
I do think I'm setting a good example, we have a certain lifestyle, not fantastic but better because I work, and my dd see's that, if you want something then earn it.
However I don't think sahm are setting a bad example either, but then I wouldn't judge someone for making a different choice based on what they believe and what works for them.
If I were to I might say something like a sahm using the argument that their kids need them at home and benefit from it is just an argument pulled out to make them feel better about themselves.

I don't really get the SAHM v WOHM thing as surely pretty much all of us will be both? There aren't many women back at work two days after giving birth and there aren't many who are at home 20 years after their youngest child was born anymore either.

I work full time with two small DC (both under 3.5) and went back after maternity leave of five months. It is hard but luckily dh and I are able to be with them most of the time with minimal outside childcare.

My mother did not work as I agree with the poster who says it was stifling.

I guess, op, every persons experiences, personality types etc makes every situation different. My mother is very depressed and self absorbed. As she hasn't worked, she never really developed social skills/tolerance towards others. I totally state this is in my own experience and u know 99% of other sahm might be perfectly the opposite and do not wish to cause offence at all - that is just what I have experienced and do not want to risk that life for myself.

Also she is quite resentful - often comments that she gave up everything for us - I think she has too much time on her hands and has become bitter. Sadly our relationship is hanging on by a very fragile thread. I genuinely believe she would have been better working outside the home.

I wonder if there's a culture difference between the UK and Australia re expectations for parental involvement at school?

I have 3 DC at school and certainly the youngest, who is in her first year, brings home more invitations to attend various things in the classroom. However, for the other 2 who are mid-late primary there's very little I (or DH) need to attend. Prize giving, big drama productions are after hours. They don't particularly want me at their weekly interschool sport competitions and while some parents go most don't. One of my DD's will likely do well in the upcoming athletics carnival - she's hoping for the school team - but even though I've talked about coming she says cheering parents are embarrassing. All I've needed to make time during the day for the older 2 are their external drama competitions and one orchestra performance and with enough notice I can rearrange my part time working hours. There's more going on with my 5 year old but even then there's not enough to justify not working at all to attend stuff.

I should add that last year one of my DC made the school team for athletics. There were a small group of SAHM who intensely went to every training session, with stop watches and notebooks. Massively overinvested in the athletic performance of 8 year olds.

I think both non working and working set good examples but in different ways. Bringing in the bacon in order to provide is one way.

I've read a few studies around this and it's definitely better for a mother to be out working than to stay at home. Better for mother and child. I'll try to post some up soon.

Agree with op. I loved having a mum at home when I was young. She went back to work when her youngest child went to school which was fine except when she had a very difficult boss for a while and was upset and stressed with us which wasn't great.

Of course kids love it when they have someone loving around to tend to their needs as much as possible.

But you can't really deny that going out and working to earn your own money to take care of your family is NOT a great example, can you?

Or to paraphrase you, OP - is that something that SAHMs tell themselves to feel better?

Most importantly, for me, is being aware of what I'm modelling for my daughters. I was very academic at school, did an academically challenging degree then long hours etc to get to my current level. I have smart daughters, one is very STEMy. I don't want to send them the message that you work hard, choose a challenging career and then give it all up when you have kids because that's what mothers do. Fair enough if they want to but I want them to appreciate that it's feasible to work and have kids.

Why are you going out to work after being a SAHM OP?

The important example is to enjoy work, approach it positively and never to complain about the time you're away working

Couldn't agree with you more.

I think as mothers we are 'damned if you do and damned if you don't'.

One of my friends wrote on Facebook complaining about when SAHMs say they are "full time mums" and what does that make mums who work then?
I totally get what she was saying, but it was the comments she got that made me very 🙄...

"It makes you a bloody miracle worker"
"It makes you a supermum"
"It makes you a hard working mum that's what"

I piped up after those comments and said. "Doesn't matter if a mum works or stays at home.
It doesn't make one a better mum/person than the other!"

I hate these sentiments that if a mum goes to work she works harder and does more for her children because she earns money. Equally so I hate the sentiments that SAHMs care about their kids more because they see them more than working mums do. There are irritating comments from either side.

Perhaps those who can tolerate the boredom of a life devoted to child rearing and housework without outside paid employment are superior to me, in a moral sense

I dunno, you clearly feel superior in your choices.....

I've read a few studies around this and it's definitely better for a mother to be out working than to stay at home. Better for mother and child

That's not how studies work - it isn't a dead cert, only averages extrapolated out. The only important thing is to work out what works best for YOU and YOUR child.

I have been a SAHM - I now work from home. I am pretty much baffled by the people suggesting choosing to stay at home to bring up your child means you're not a feminist. Who knew?

My mum was a sahm until the last of us went to school. Her working or not is not what inspired my work ethic, it was my dad who grafted in a difficult job working shifts, pulling overtime, studying to better himself and still making time for us and doing improvements on the house.

What my mum ever did wasn't a concern.