To think that "working mums set a great example to their children" is largely nonsense

[Blinkyblink]

I grew up with a SAHM. It was bloody fantastic! Picked up by my mum, home after school, she came to assemblies, sports days, plays etc, I was able to have friends over after school. Plus I just loved being with my mum after school. There was something homely, comforting and cosy about it.

I didn't give the fact my mum didn't work any thought whatsoever. I worked like a dog for my GCSEs, a-levels, degree, professional exams and got a good well paid interesting career. I gave it up when I had my first child 7 years ago.

I'm a SAHM now, however next year I'm jumping in at the deep end. Will be commuting and long hours in a professional role. A number of people have said to me along the line "oh you'll be setting so much of a better example now for your children".

Am I alone in thinking "wtf?". A 7 year doesn't give a flying fig about whether his mum works. He/she would MUCH prefer mum to be picking him up from school, making his dinner, helping him with his reading, not having to go to a child minder / holiday clubs in the holidays?

It certainly didn't stop me pursuing a very good career, and the school I went to (private academic girls school) the vast majority of mothers didn't work, and many of those girls have gone on to have great career success (medicine, finance etc)

Is this just an argument pulled out by working mums trying to make themselves feel better? I'm going to be a working mum on a few months, and I'm pretty damn sure I'm not going to think that my children are benefiting from the example I'm setting. I think some people forget how self absorbed most children are and seeing you dash off to work to do something important really isn't either here nor there for them!

I feel a bit sorry for the OP as she has been a bit misunderstood.

Unfortunately OP, I think you came across as slating working mothers, and saying kids are better off with mum at home. And although I agree this is great, and fab for some, it's not always great for some kids, and not always the cosy, lovely, mumsy, Walton-esque scenario that you paint.

I know some SAHM's who are complete eejits, who barely pay a scrap of attention to their kids, who are on their phones 24/7, who scream at their kids to STFU when they whine, who dump them on nan at the drop of a hat so they can piss off out with their mates, and who F and blind at them. And some working mums who are fab mums, who think the world of their kids, and who spend every moment away from work with them.

Then I know some SAHM's who are hands-on mums who do loads with the kids and do go to every play, sports day, school play etc, and pick them up from school etc, and whose kids are lovely, happy, secure, lovely kids; and some working mums who have no time or patience for their kids, and work and throw themselves into their career/job because they really can't be arsed with their kids, and who have no connection or relationship with their kids now they're teenagers/young adults.

So there are good and bad in working mums AND SAHM's.

You are correct though OP, that it's bollocks to say that children benefit from both parents working. That is strongly implying that the mum staying at home, means the kids will automatically want to be a SAHP, they will not want to go to uni, and they will not want a career.

Rubbish. I know many, many young adults whose mum was a SAHM, who went to uni, travelled extensively, and who now have a successful career. I know some people who have mums who are now 50-55, and the mums haven't done paid employment since they were 20; yet the (adult) children have still gone onto higher education and a successful career.

So a child whose mum is a SAHM is no more likely to want to be a SAHM herself, than a child whose mum is a 'career woman,' (who sent the kids to nursery and childminders,) will want to have a high flying career themselves, and send THEIR kids to nursery and childminders.

One of my neighbours is a very successful business woman with 13 shops throughout the south, and 33 houses she rents out; she is 55, and has been self employed since 18. Her only child (a daughter age 34,) got married at 20, and now has 3 kids aged 3 to 11. She wants another 2 children before she is 40, and has no intention of stopping her SAHM life. Her husband works and has a successful career, and they are both happy with their roles in life, and in their family.

How very stereotypical that the assumption is made that all these working mothers are 'working in an office' and not doctors, lawyers, engineers, etc.

peppatax obviously I don't think all women work in an office any more than all men are brain surgeons. I was making the point that people consider ANY job outside the home to be superior to childcare within it. Hence a previous poster being told it would raise her self-esteem if she had a job, when she was already single-handedly caring for two disabled children.

Do you have daughters? Just that in your OP you mentioned a 7 year old not caring if "his" mum works. I believe that for girl children, seeing a woman/mother achieve and find fulfilment outside the domestic sphere is important to allow them to model their aspirations.

Personally I wouldn't find much fulfilment being a SAHM but I know lots of people who do. Each to their own.

Bewty - but he's now able to see that. The op has a 7 year old and most 7 year old won't realise. Mine certainly won't. People criticising SAHMs for not being a good example usual mean mothers of younger kids, as in the OP. I doubt your son would care if you had stayed home five years rather than one. He'd be just as impressed.

Oh fuck off

Glitter - bollox. The OP had a SAHM and I had one without a qualification to her name but we both have good degree and professional careers. Family wealth has more impact than a SAHM on a girl's future career aspirations - unless there are other influences, e.g. Culture.

Stop criticising when you have no evidence. Most SAHMs probably do return to work by the time their children are old enough to understand anyway.

I had a temporary full time contract when DS1 was in reception. He noticed and cared that he was early in breakfast club and the last to be picked up 5 days a week. He's much happier with me being a SAHM and able to interact with his school life and having more time to relax at home.

Everyone has different circumstances. For our family, my income is not essential and my time is more valuable in enhancing family life at this point. As a SAHM I have more time to support DS with reading, writing, activities and just being there for him. That's better than having me permanently tired and sitting in my classroom in the holidays watching me mark 50 books.

I get what you mean OP. I have had the same said to me after considering taking a slightly longer career break after my third child. "Oh well you will set a better example if you go back to work."

It is circumstantial surely?

In my situation DP works long hours, I do most of the home stuff, my job is stressful, financially I could afford an extra year or two off; so would I be setting a better example by working and feeling constantly, tired, overwhelmed, snappy with the kids, having no time for them etc? I'm just showing them how to be a martyr.

I believe that for girl children, seeing a woman/mother achieve and find fulfilment outside the domestic sphere is important to allow them to model their aspirations.

And I feel that for children is is important to see that all different choices should be valued.

And I feel that for children is is important to see that all different choices should be valued.

This.

"Family wealth has more impact than a SAHM on a girl's future career aspirations"

Don't they say that it is the mother's intelligence that determines how able a child is?

Children inherit their intelligence from their mother not their father, say scientists

"A mother's genetics determines how clever her children are, according to researchers, and the father makes no difference.

Women are more likely to transmit intelligence genes to their children because they are carried on the X chromosome and women have two of these, while men only have one."

So whether we are at home or work doesn't matter but how smart we are. Mine must be super duper mega smart then .

Gosh there's a lot of touchy people on this thread. Why are all the working mums taking this so personally. Get a grip FFS

BLINKYBLINK has literally done nothing wrong whatsoever or said ANYTHING remotely offensive at all! All she is saying is that she doesn't appreciate people giving their opinion on how she is setting a better example for her children. She isn't knocking SAHM or working mums. I think some have missed the point of her post and to swear at her or call her a 'goady fucker' is bang out of order. Stop getting so defensive, bloody hell some MNers

I'm now a working mum. Needs must.

But I agree with the OP.

Is this just an argument pulled out by working mums trying to make themselves feel better?

This is what has probably offended people.

Different choices should of course be respected, but choices are not made in a vacuum and men who are parents very rarely choose to SAH or work PT.

MsGame

I agree

It isn't about thinking you're superior to other people. Perhaps those who can tolerate the boredom of a life devoted to child rearing and housework without outside paid employment are superior to me, in a moral sense. I don't much care - I just know that way of life is boring, and looks it, and that's why young girls don't generally aspire to it, in my experience anyway.

Yoloswaggins

Do not assume all SAHM's are baking effing cakes, dusting skirting boards and getting their nails done! How rude!

I just know that way of life is boring KarlosKKrinkelbeim

In your opinion...You've stated that as if it's fact. Just because it's not for you doesn't mean you're right.

peppatax

Sorry to sound dim, but why is the comment so offensive.
Is it wrong for a wohm to say this to make herself feel better?
It is true anyway and if I'd have worked ft this might have been the thought that kept me going, especially if the reason for work was to pay bills with no enjoyment.

For others, I'm not saying sahm's arent good role models, or don't provide a good work ethic.

.

meh

do what works best for your family.

some kids need more time, some parents need to work.

I hated having a wohm, but mainly because she was a teacher so had no flexibilty with time off and dads just did not do sports days then. nor did I go to after school care but let myself in. It was good that she had holidays at home though.

things have changed. afterschool care is good, dad's can do sports days etc.

I agree it can be lovely got kids to have a sahp when young. I really appreciated my dm at home until I started school. However, once I was a teenager I think it was important to see her having a career. It also meant she wasn't the default parent all the time and her marriage to my dad was equal.

Perhaps those who can tolerate the boredom of a life devoted to child rearing and housework without outside paid employment are superior to me, in a moral sense.

It's not boring 😊.

And I agree that I am definitely superior to you in a moral sense as I would never sneer at and dismiss other parent's choices and enjoyment of their chosen path in life the way you seem to.