To think that "working mums set a great example to their children" is largely nonsense

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I grew up with a SAHM. It was bloody fantastic! Picked up by my mum, home after school, she came to assemblies, sports days, plays etc, I was able to have friends over after school. Plus I just loved being with my mum after school. There was something homely, comforting and cosy about it.

I didn't give the fact my mum didn't work any thought whatsoever. I worked like a dog for my GCSEs, a-levels, degree, professional exams and got a good well paid interesting career. I gave it up when I had my first child 7 years ago.

I'm a SAHM now, however next year I'm jumping in at the deep end. Will be commuting and long hours in a professional role. A number of people have said to me along the line "oh you'll be setting so much of a better example now for your children".

Am I alone in thinking "wtf?". A 7 year doesn't give a flying fig about whether his mum works. He/she would MUCH prefer mum to be picking him up from school, making his dinner, helping him with his reading, not having to go to a child minder / holiday clubs in the holidays?

It certainly didn't stop me pursuing a very good career, and the school I went to (private academic girls school) the vast majority of mothers didn't work, and many of those girls have gone on to have great career success (medicine, finance etc)

Is this just an argument pulled out by working mums trying to make themselves feel better? I'm going to be a working mum on a few months, and I'm pretty damn sure I'm not going to think that my children are benefiting from the example I'm setting. I think some people forget how self absorbed most children are and seeing you dash off to work to do something important really isn't either here nor there for them!

So many posters too busy frothing at the mouth to notice the part where OP says she's soon going to be a working mum...

YANBU, OP. The idea that going out to work sets a better example than staying at home to take care of children is arguably due to a patriarchal society which doesn't value childcare because it inevitably starts out as women's work. Our culture seems to believe that wiping bottoms and breastfeeding are jobs that any fuckwit could do, whereas working in an office... that takes skill

My 7 year old so doesn't care about what we do really. Raised properly, they are proud of their parents full stop, regardless of what we do.

Some SAHM are amazing and giving a fantastic childhood to their kids. Others stay plonked in front of the tv, smoking and are completely useless.
Some working mums have great childcare, and the kids are happy. Others relay on unpleasant childcare, family or not, holiday clubs and the kids hate them and would be so much happier at home.

It's the same for everything: some kids will thrive in boarding school, others would be absolutely miserable.

Teaching your children that a person is not defined by their job, to respect others and their choices, and that being a SAHM doesn't mean someone is uneducated, dull and uninteresting or that having a full-time job doesn't make you wonderful is the only valid lesson. Teach your kids they need the tools to have the life they want, and the freedom to stop working or go back to work if they wish. Stop looking down at people who have made different choices than yours. It reflects badly on you, not them.

Believe it or not, doesn't matter to me. But as a working (self-employed) mum, I know the positive effect that it has had on my children. They have seen what persistence and commitment can achieve, and I know the impact that has had because I have been told. By my teenage son.

Personally I don't think it matters if a mum works or not - a good parent will always set a good example to their children.

Our culture seems to believe that wiping bottoms and breastfeeding are jobs that any fuckwit could do, whereas working in an office... that takes skill

How very stereotypical that the assumption is made that all these working mothers are 'working in an office' and not doctors, lawyers, engineers, etc.

I agree that people saying you are setting a good example are making polite small talk. They probably don't care but want to say something positive. Everybody's circumstances are different.

My mum worked and I did miss her but my best friend's mum was a home maker and she was depressed. She was a very smart educated cultured middle class lady who stayed at home to provide for her daughter. She suffered from terrible migraines and spent most afternoons on the sofa lying down. Her dd is a very successful film producer. My mother was a professional and I am successful in my job too. There are no hard and fast rules. I also know that my best friend rebelled against her parents and did everything the way she wanted to do since she was a teenager. Her parents wanted her to work in banking or something sensible and she became a documentary film maker travelling the world and having her own company. She is very needy though and craves almost undivided attention from her partner. She settled down very late in life and her her first dd at 43 and has an on / off relationship with her boyfriend.

BORING. OP, it would have been so much more refreshing if you'd come on to talk about the great experience of being a SAHM and now looking forward to the change and something new.

Frankly you sound quite conceited and you are certainly stealth boasting regarding your upbringing (private school etc etc....)

Being a good parent is what matters and don't do the back handed compliment thing about working mums. Get over yourself and stop divisive conversations like this.

I think all mums are great, stay at home, working or whatever. About time we all looked out for each other rather than trying guilt trip into what is, isn't best!

My experience was very much like yours Strawberry, my mum worked full time throughout my childhood and I hated it. I hated having to go to the childminders before and after school, hated spending every summer at various aunties houses, hated her missing school events. I didn't tell my parents any of this as a child. I would have loved one of my parents to be part time. I thintk perhaps pride in your parents jobs comes in retrospect when you become an adult. My mum died when I was a teenager and working full time was a huge regret. We could have afforded for her to be part time, money would have been tighter but doable, we would have had fewer holidays, one car, smaller house but more time and in the end time was what we ran out of.

Both me and my sister became SAHM s

Should add however she would never have wanted to not work at all. Said it would have driven her mad and she was probably right!

The "setting a good example" line is something I tell myself to stop torturing myself with guilt over working, and not being around all the time for my kids. I have no choice but to work, and there's not a day goes by when I don't feel guilty about it.

OP your opening post about the loveliness of having a SAHM is the sort of thing that leaves us working Mums feeling worse than we already did, which is, in my opinion, the reason these threads get so heated.

It always baffles me that SAHMs don't seem to realise that working mums feel guilty. And often envious, in my case.

My 9 yo was telling me the other day that my job sounds really interesting and she'd like to do it when she's older because it sounds fun. She might be unusual, but I don't think the statement is completely far-fetched.

Pros and cons on both sides, I'm a stay at home mum always have been, sister in law has always worked, so I have her kids in the holidays and after school, all children are fine and all seem happy in both situations. I get your point I don't think it sets a good example or bad one just a different one.

My DM worked FT and we were proud of her because she did an important job (health professional).

My DC would doubtless prefer I didn't work. But I don't think they feel the same about DH: they assume all fathers work.

DC see many, many more men than women who are parents still WoH. And see women doing more parenting and domestic work.

My dd is definitely inspired by my example. She is very not inspired by the idea of staying home, having babies, cleaning houses etc. She thinks that's boring. And I think she's right,
Well done op for turning things round - let's hope it's not too late, eh?

She is very not inspired by the idea of staying home, having babies, cleaning houses etc. She thinks that's boring.

It's a bit sad if that's what you are teaching her. I might work, but I still don't think that spending time with my babies is ever boring.
On another note, I still have cleaning, cooking, laundry and so on to do.
How can anyone be proud to encourage their children to look down at other people, I'll never know.

My DM felt and told me that WOH FT had been really hard at times, but that SAH meant big, personal economic risks.

It always seemed unfair to me, still does, that men got to be parents AND achieve things at work. Enabled by women who were equally talented at work diverting energy into home life. Almost never men doing that.

This is why I wish it was easier to have a good part-time career. How brilliant would it be to have both parents doing good part-time jobs.?

I had a SAHM growing up - she had no life, no friends, no opinions of her own and I had very little respect for her. The fact that she was always there bugged the hell out of me. The working mums I knew growing up all seemed so much more intelligent and full of life.

I'm a working mum, but I work part-time so I think I have a good balance.

Bewty - that's a teenager not a 7 year old. I have a 7 and 5 year old and they don't know what I do, they don't care even if I'd like them to. By the time they are teenagers I'll be well into a second career and hopefully be a good example at that point. My time as a SAHM won't be remembered even if it had benefits for them in other ways.

Although not everyone can be "uber successful" we're all different and we can't all be top of our professions as there isn't enough room at the top for all parents. I'd never want to be CEO but I'd like to be good at my job and interested with challenging work in a professional field.

Minty, I don't know of any mother who doesn't feel guilty about something. I'm not sure we can ever 'win'.

Shasta, he told me as a teenager the positive impact it had on him - that's why I mentioned age, because he is a typical teenage boy, not very known for saying things like that.

I have worked all his life, other than one year maternity leave.

My dd is definitely inspired by my example. She is very not inspired by the idea of staying home, having babies, cleaning houses etc. She thinks that's boring. And I think she's right
Well done op for turning things round - let's hope it's not too late, eh?

Do wohm not have babies, clean then?

I would hope that my dc don't ever judge another person's life choices and deem themselves superior.

After all, most whom are not in high flying careers anyway.

I remember my best friend and I having an ongoing "my mum works harder than your mum" rivalry. We grew up in an area with historically high male employment, where the women worked their arses off.

E.g. my mum worked in an office mon-fri and then did a cleaning shift sat & sun. My friend's mum worked in a factory mon-fri, then in a kitchen 7 weekend days in 8. So she had one day off a month. Lazy cow. Children are idiots.

I was proud of my mum, and how hard she worked, and the quality time we spent together regardless. But if she hadn't worked i would have been proud of something else, because she is my mum and she was a pretty good one.

Mintychoc - you feeling bad doesn't give you the right to make a statement to make others feel bad. Working is good for lots of reasons and we bring all our life experience to parenting and explaining the world to our kids, work is one factor but doesn't have the monopoly on worthwhile examples. I selfishly enjoy working for my own reasons and my kids are very very happy with their childcare. No guilt at all. They also get more financial security and better food and clothes etc.

I have a fairly well paid job, quite interesting, nothing ground breaking but going to work really doesn't feel like a punishment. That said, I don't need to work to keep me occupied and find interesting things to do, I only work for the money.
I am amazed by the amount of people who think life without a job is boring, don't you have any interests at all? Even if I didn't have a job, or children even, I would not have the time to do half the things I am interested in.
Staying at home is boring? How sad. You should try to get a hobby or something, to be a good example for your kids and broaden their interests.

My Mum gave up work for 5 years as it was the done thing when I was a child she actively regretted the impact it had on her career she pretty much insisted (!) I carried on working when my children were tiny. My MIL never worked, my SIL has never worked (supported by the state) and both think I'm the spawn of satan for working (2 days a week) not that I give a shit! My SIL
Says she doesn't work as it is what her mum did and wants to be there after school. Like I don't?!