To think that "working mums set a great example to their children" is largely nonsense

[Blinkyblink]

I grew up with a SAHM. It was bloody fantastic! Picked up by my mum, home after school, she came to assemblies, sports days, plays etc, I was able to have friends over after school. Plus I just loved being with my mum after school. There was something homely, comforting and cosy about it.

I didn't give the fact my mum didn't work any thought whatsoever. I worked like a dog for my GCSEs, a-levels, degree, professional exams and got a good well paid interesting career. I gave it up when I had my first child 7 years ago.

I'm a SAHM now, however next year I'm jumping in at the deep end. Will be commuting and long hours in a professional role. A number of people have said to me along the line "oh you'll be setting so much of a better example now for your children".

Am I alone in thinking "wtf?". A 7 year doesn't give a flying fig about whether his mum works. He/she would MUCH prefer mum to be picking him up from school, making his dinner, helping him with his reading, not having to go to a child minder / holiday clubs in the holidays?

It certainly didn't stop me pursuing a very good career, and the school I went to (private academic girls school) the vast majority of mothers didn't work, and many of those girls have gone on to have great career success (medicine, finance etc)

Is this just an argument pulled out by working mums trying to make themselves feel better? I'm going to be a working mum on a few months, and I'm pretty damn sure I'm not going to think that my children are benefiting from the example I'm setting. I think some people forget how self absorbed most children are and seeing you dash off to work to do something important really isn't either here nor there for them!

Agree Yolo

I don't mean this in a sneery way myself (I'm just trying to be factual) I think you'll find that attitudes like providing home cooked food, reading to your child etc have far greater correlation with other factors than whether the parents work. If parents value those things, then they provide them.

And it's been said before, work expands to fit the time available. So while it's perfectly possible to spend an entire afternoon producing dinner from scratch (and I sometimes do this myself in a leisurely fashion when I'm on leave) it's equally possible to rustle up a healthy home cooked meal in a fraction of the time

I was a SAHM for about 6years when the children were little.

I now work ft and I love it.

One great thing that has come out if this is that DP has had to take on a much greater part of the care and maintenance of our three children

He makes breakfast and packed lunches, he cooks dinner. We share dental/doctors appointments. It's pretty hectic but we manage.
Our house could be cleaner, washing isn't always done etc

But the kids just get on with it and know the value of money and the benefits of working for it.

I think you need to define what setting a good example means. Personally I don't think SAHM set a good example in the way that WOHM do because I wouldn't want my daughter to aspire to be a housewife with no career. That's my personal feeling - it's not the role model I want for my kids - others might think it's a great role model in other ways. And it certainly has a lot of value in other ways but it isn't necessarily a good EXAMPLE. That was the OP question. You can't ignore the fact that in our current society it's confirming to traditional gender roles.

I had my hard hat on - don't want to create more anger on this thread - just trying to point out the subtleties of what we are actually talking about

Hmmm

I'd say a lot of the SAHMs I know contribute a good deal to the community through voluntary work/pta etc.

And it's horses fur courses isn't it. Most people are just trying to do their best.

Wow yeah, heaven forbid people look after their own children.

If ds wanted to stay at home and focus on raising his kids I'd be thrilled and glad he was happy.

OP I think you have misunderstood what people are saying to you. Setting a good example doesn't necessarily mean doing what children love - a parent who serves up vegetables for tea, discourages screen time and encourages perseverance may not be doing what the child would most like (eating haribo and watching television) but they are 'setting a good example'. Equally - working whilst your children are young may not be their first choice but you are showing them that work is important and that women are valued in ways other than homemaking.

Haven't read the full thread, so apologies if this is just going over old ground. Suggesting that working out of the home sets a better 'example' only follows if you buy into the prevailing (patriarchal) norm that paid work is the most valuable kind in our society and you gloss over the many ways employers fail to make adequate provision for family life.

I'm shaped by my own experience here, as I work in consultancy, which makes enormous demands on me, both in terms of my time and my mental energy.

It is not always possible to juggle work and motherhood and do both to a standard you are happy with. I absolutely refute that it's setting a 'bad example' to prioritise family in this situation.

Part time is a good compromise. And those jobs are like gold dust.

I think it might have been Steve Biddulph, who writes about raising children; but I think in one of his articles he said one of the biggest regrets society will feel when they look back on this time, is the lack of respect for mothering of all kinds.

I think today working mum's get far more respect, as it's the norm now. I'm always amazed how many people bring up the fact I'm not in payed employment; my neighbour keeps going on about how it must be hard for me to manage to work because my husband is away a lot, but I've never mentioned working to her! I think it's because she worked, but she talks about cleaners and gardeners and her husband was around a lot, so it's really a different situation to mine.

But the only job I really loved was part time as a teen;I found work quite depressing, and find I have more creative outlets at home. I would really like my girls to find something they enjoy doing, whether that's volunteering, mothering or being paid.

Hate Steve Biddulph. My mum bought me his book "Raising boys" when I was expecting our first (son). It basically said if the mother didn't stay at home for the first 3 years you might as well not bother. I had no choice but to work - massive mortgage (small house!) and higher earner so no choice. It's the only book I've thrown in the bin, after a lot of crying on the train every morning.
He turned out ok!

I also read Raising Boys and quickly concluded that Steve Biddulph is a sexist guy with an axe to grind and book sales to make, rather than any intellectual rigour

I'm sorry for reminding you of bad memories. I think I just read an article about all mothering should be respected.

Thank you stuck. I agree all mothering (and fathering, where applicable) should be respected.

I agree that the example thing is rubbish for young children and just said to make you feel less guilty about going to work. (although as many have said it's just a comment to make conversation and no-one really cares anyway!)

As a child I much preferred it when my mum was at home after school etc. However it's important to have happy parents too and let's face it most mums these days will be doing some work at least, because they need to financially but also because they want to. Does the kids no harm to learn that they aren't the centre of the universe, and it's a very positive thing if fathers and other family take care of them as well as mum.

For older kids/teenagers/young adults it probably is a positive role model to have a capable confident working mother rather than one that stays home living off her partners income even when children are not needing as much care.

oh dear sounds like your having a go carefree. I don't think I live off my partners income. We jointly contribute to our family; just in different ways. He would be lost without me and I would be lost without him; we both rely on each other for so much.

And just because my children are older, nobody understands the support they have needed with various problems, including medical and health problems. everyone's circumstance is different, we don't all have relatives around to deal with a multitude of appointments and help with house stuff.

Please be empathetic to differing circumstances, that aren't always obvious.

As a few others have said - OP you misunderstand what is meant by "setting a good example".

It doesn't mean the child likes or is proud of having a working mother.

It means that when the child grows up and makes their own life choices, they have a good example of a family with a working mother to follow. So they're not hidebound by the idea that SAHM is better for DC like you seem to be.

You don't need a working mother as an example when there are are other relatives children are in touch with and a father that works. My relatives don't live close by but we regularly travel to meet them and some work and some don't; their is a variety. And my girls say I am not mumsy at all, nor is my sister in law who doesn't work because she is her mums cater; I think you can be just as mumsy when you work. Although mumsy is something lovely I think. People like that come across as so warm and reassuring; I think it's something to aspire too. Mumsy people make the world go around!😀.

oops meant carer!, my spelling is appalling today!, and the lack of paragraphs!

For me it's important to set an example of being financially independent.

If you can self finance (not reliant on a dp) sahming go ahead!

Most mothers have to be in employment to be financially independent though.

If you're in a situation where working would cause extra stress for your whole family, I can't see how it would be more beneficial, apart from financially.

My sister lives near my mum and although she works she has to rely quite a lot on aging parents, who would probably quite like a bit more rest and relaxation.

I am proud of her and the job she does though, but she has a husband who is around more and relatives to help; we all rely on situations and on others; it wouldn't do my family good to never have time to sit and talk; or take them to medical appointments. I don't know whether you know but children have to be accompanied to medical appointments until they are 16; and if you have teens and children with different health issues , that's an awful lot of needing to be there for them.

Just consider not everyone will have the resources you have.🙂

Bollocks to the example of financial independence. Since so many families these days need two earners, it stands to reason neither earner is in reality financially independent - they are interdependent, as indeed are families where one adult does the unpaid work and one does the paid work.

I think yabu

Isn't it about examples in general. My kids see me doing paid work, family work and volunteer work. I want them to see there are all sorts of ways of contributing to society after they've protected their own independence.

And yes I do want my daughter to earn her independence - surely we've all got those acquaintances who've divorced in their 50s acrimoniously with nothing and their self esteem on the floor. If you choose that make it a conscious choice.