To think that "working mums set a great example to their children" is largely nonsense

[Blinkyblink]

I grew up with a SAHM. It was bloody fantastic! Picked up by my mum, home after school, she came to assemblies, sports days, plays etc, I was able to have friends over after school. Plus I just loved being with my mum after school. There was something homely, comforting and cosy about it.

I didn't give the fact my mum didn't work any thought whatsoever. I worked like a dog for my GCSEs, a-levels, degree, professional exams and got a good well paid interesting career. I gave it up when I had my first child 7 years ago.

I'm a SAHM now, however next year I'm jumping in at the deep end. Will be commuting and long hours in a professional role. A number of people have said to me along the line "oh you'll be setting so much of a better example now for your children".

Am I alone in thinking "wtf?". A 7 year doesn't give a flying fig about whether his mum works. He/she would MUCH prefer mum to be picking him up from school, making his dinner, helping him with his reading, not having to go to a child minder / holiday clubs in the holidays?

It certainly didn't stop me pursuing a very good career, and the school I went to (private academic girls school) the vast majority of mothers didn't work, and many of those girls have gone on to have great career success (medicine, finance etc)

Is this just an argument pulled out by working mums trying to make themselves feel better? I'm going to be a working mum on a few months, and I'm pretty damn sure I'm not going to think that my children are benefiting from the example I'm setting. I think some people forget how self absorbed most children are and seeing you dash off to work to do something important really isn't either here nor there for them!

You said in your OP that you're going back to work next year. You're now saying 'very shortly'. TBH the latter sounds more plausible, because I can't see many full time professional roles where they'd offer you the job and say, ok, start in 2018!!
But the point is, you're full of inconsistencies which suggests this was just a goady thread aimed at taking a snidey pop at mums (but not dads!) who work

Also, as someone who loves their own space, I loved having the house to myself after school.

I have friends that weren't "allowed" to go to town alone and got ferried everywhere in cars, and their lack of independence always seemed so weird to me.

Having had seven years off work, going back some point between Oct-Jan 2019 does seem very shortly to me!

Sorry that should be 2018!

My mom always worked from as far back as I can remember and me and my sister had a childminder from when we aged between 4 and 11 years old. When we talk about our childhood we find we have very few memories to talk about that include our mum. Apart from holidays and specifically days out we don't have any general memories of doing things with her or her featuring a lot in our life. I do remember what it was like to never have a parent at Sports Days, Award Ceremonies or School Plays etc and although I know in hindsight it couldn't be helped at the time it did make me feel sad.

It's really tough. I know my mom had no choice to work and she worked to the bone to provide for me and my sister, she was AMAZING, but it would have been nice to have her around more.

A 7 year doesn't give a flying fig about whether his mum works

I disagree...my oldest are 7 and 9. Dh and I both work full time usually (I'm currently on mat leave). We've worked our shifts so that four days a week one or both of us are off work and they only spend 3 days in childcare.

We're lucky in that we both work close by and fairly flexibly so don't have to miss much. But on the occasional day where they've not fancied going to the childminders (they generally love it) and asked why we have to work, I've explained that it's because working hard means we have enough money to do lovely things together and pay for our holidays and our new garden and [insert other example here].

They both get it and seem quite...'satisfied' with it...I can't think of the right word. But ds2 has said a few times 'oh is your work today paying for Spain in October mummy?' or similar and seems happy enough at the situation iyswim. I do think it encourages good work ethic too as we've also had them saying that they're definitely going to work hard themselves when they're older and so on.

My dad worked full time; my mum was a SAHM until we were teens, and even then worked only part time in a 'job' rather than career. This was very much the norm for a 60s/70s childhood.

I have lots of childhood memories, some of which include my mum, or dad, or both, or indeed neither! And I wouldn't say my dad working and my mum being a traditional SAHM made me closer to her than to my dad. There's far more to family relationships than whether your mum is the one ferrying you around or doing the washing up!

My DM began a three year course of study when I was 7, then became a health professional. My younger sibling and I attended her graduation and were proud of her, at the time and now. She was often really busy and not always available, but we understood why she and dad wanted, and needed financially, to work. She achieved a lot and did important work. When our dad was, some years later, unemployed for a couple of years it was good that there was money coming in. And when they had relationship difficulties she had better options than she would have had she SaH.

You can set a good example either way.

My parents both worked because they had no other choice. My DF worked away a lot and at one point my DM worked 3 jobs. We were never well off but also never wanted for anything.

My DPs DM was a SAHP she had 5 children and it was what they had to do.

Me and my 2 brothers all have amazing work ethics. We saw our parents work hard for everything we had and it rubbed off. On the other hand, DPs DM still has to do a lot for her DCs and I am having to teach DP a lot for when I return to work next month and he stays home.

I think it's dependant on the child and the values you teach them along the way.

This is a horrible goady OP. Shame on you.

OP you are allowed to feel shite about it. That is not unreasonable. People may think differently to you but your feelings can't be wrong. I work, I like working and there are many positives in this for me and my family but the fact remains I hate not picking up my (youngest) DD and she hates it too. No point pretending otherwise.
Perhaps you sense that people want you to be positive about going back to work and that's what you are railing against. But I say you are allowed to have your feelings, whatever they are.

My mum was a SAHM. She set a terrible example to me. She had worked & traveled the world before she met my dad, but she sacrificed it all because he wanted a SAH wife and she would do anything to keep him happy. She (directly or indirectly) taught me that the value of a woman is in how happy she keeps her man, even if it's at the expense of her own happiness. Told me (directly or indirectly) that you have to do anything to keep your man happy. Taught me (directly or indirectly) that men are more important than women and that therefore their happiness was paramount.

She was miserable and tried (directly or indirectly) to spread that misery to me because if she was (knowingly or unknowingly) miserable then I had to be too.

She claims she's proud of me for working and having my own money, but I know she's jealous and resentful.

I'm NOT saying all SAHMs are like this (far from it!) but that my SAHM was miserable and I would have much rather she had worked for her own happiness. It would have saved me from a lot of therapy.

I'm sorry to hear about your divorce, OP - that's a lot of change for you and your family to get used to.

I think being resentful, or guilty and miserable, is what sets a bad example to ones children. A woman's gotta do what a woman's gotta do, so focus on the positives, as there are positives to SAH or WOH. It's nice if you can actively choose your situation, but even where the choice is taken away from you, it doesn't mean the whole situation is negative. You may not be setting a better example as a wohm than you were as a sahm, but you are setting a different and equally good example: dealing with what life throws at you and making the best of it; showing your children the value of resilience and having a back up plan! Hopefully, also, you will enjoy getting back into your career. Your children will know you still love them and are looking after them and their interests.

Excellently put roundaboutthetown. And so true that even when you don't have a choice about something in life, if you approach your situation positively, you'll often find that there are upsides to it.

As I said earlier on the thread, when I went back to work after dc1, I had no choice. We needed my income. This was over 20 years ago when mortgage rates when through the roof. It was a case of dh and I finding a childminder and me returning when dc was 3 months old, or losing our home. If I'd had a choice, I suspect I would have given up work. Not because I disliked my job, but because managing work and a 3 month old bf baby was harder than being at home. However, within a few weeks I was so much back into the swing of it that when I had dc 2 several years later, when mortgage rates had settled and we were financially back on our feet, I returned to work out of choice. Looking back, I suspect that had I not returned after dc1, I would no doubt have felt returning with 2 children would be way too much to cope with and frankly my career could have gone down the pan. So, that's my own experience of a situation where having no choice pushed me into a scenario which turned out really well.
Being able to deal positively with whatever comes your way in life is perhaps one of the most valuable qualities for all of us, adults and children alike

I don't think blinkyblink was having a go at working mothers, so much as, being upset that the comments about setting a good example; were only brought up in connection to her working, and not in connection with the choice she made to be a sahm for seven years.

I can't understand when people are mean about either choice. I wonder whether they only make friends with people that make the same choices as them. I haven't had a job for years, but my best friend has mostly always been a working mum. We can't be like each other, we wouldn't want to be, but we do love each other hugely.

he he! ,perhaps if I had been in paid work, I'd have worked out why the hell all my comments keep coming up pink; I must have pressed something! Very annoying!, when my favourite colour is blue.

Exactly stuck! Some posters have got that's but the majority didn't bother to read to me posts and waded in. I've left them to it!

Sorry typos.

I'm actually excited to go back to work!

My only issue. Literally my only issue. Was the idea that the time that I spent being a SAHM was somehow not setting a good example to my children, whereas once I re enter the work place I will, at that point, be setting a good example. I disagree, as I don't think when I'm a working mum I will suddenly become superior to the time when I was a SAHM! But of course mumsnet being mumsnet it became a brawl.

I definitely admired my mum for both working and raising me, just as I admired my dad for taking a likewise full and active part in raising us while also working. My mum was an LSA at a school for children with severe learning disabilities. You couldn't get a better example for a mum to set. Our dinners were also home cooked by both mum and dad, we also had help with our homework when needed by both mum and dad.

Blinkety- I suspect what ruffled a few feathers was your blanket assertion that 7 year olds prefer their mum picking them up from school then someone else/ going to childcare.

That may be true in your personal situation (though how you know yet when you're not working I'm not sure!) But even if your dc initially would prefer you still be picking him up, that's only because it's what he's known all his life. Choose good quality care and he WILL adjust; children are pretty resilient and learning to be comfortable in a variety of environments is important for well being.
And it's certainly not a blanket statement for all children. I was working 3 days a week from when my dc1 was 12 weeks. She was happy when i did the school pick up and also happy when it was after school club.

Of course you're not going to become superior when you return to work- but neither have you been superior for having been at home

It is so frustrating that we cannot have these debates without the hate. people are all different. Some women hate being stuck at home with children and some love it. For those of us who love it, it is very offensive to read/hear that we are not setting our kids a good example. Basically, for most families, there is a certain income needed to survive and you have to decide between you how you will achieve that. From a childs point of view they will just want you both to be as happy and stress free as is achievable. Children will all have different needs too and for some, having to go to breakfast and after school clubs and childminders etc will upset them and other kids will thrive on it. We have moved from both working, to me SAH with 3 pre-schoolers, to me working PT and DH fT(condensed hours-to cover my PT), to DH having 2 years unemployed and me FT to DH getting a home based job and me continuing FT. We now have 2 salaries for the first time and are now able to buy new clothes and have holidays abroad! What I would say though is that we have managed to remain fairly stress free throughout by always having one of us at home before and after school. We have managed the childcare between us with occasional help from family. Our kids have seen a variety of set ups and currently they see dad do most of the shopping/cooking and me do most of the housework/laundry but if I put a washin before work, DH will hang it out and if he is away, I will cook/shop etc. I think households where both parents work FT whilst the kids are young can be incredibly stressful and something that can be achieved by having a SAHP is reduction of those stress levels. To come home to a tidy house and cooked meal means you have far more time to listen to your children and spend quality time with them. It is not setting a bad example having a stay at home parent but it is a shame that it is not shared more between couples. Even when kids are at school there should be no compulsion to both work if the income is not needed but the SAHP should use their time usefully. I was a school governor, youth group leader, pastoral care co-ordinator at church etc. You can set a very good example to your children by being involved in volunteering locally.

To come home to a tidy house and cooked meal means you have far more time to listen to your children and spend quality time with them.

This is a bit sneery. My parents both worked FT and we always had a spotless house and home cooked meal (made by dad). A home cooked meal takes 1 hour tops.

This isn't exclusive to SAHP. I feel like you're insinuating that working parents live in a dump and feed their kids frozen food. I never got to eat a ready meal till I went to uni!

But overall I agree with your post. Work and housework need to be split evenly.