To think that "working mums set a great example to their children" is largely nonsense

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I grew up with a SAHM. It was bloody fantastic! Picked up by my mum, home after school, she came to assemblies, sports days, plays etc, I was able to have friends over after school. Plus I just loved being with my mum after school. There was something homely, comforting and cosy about it.

I didn't give the fact my mum didn't work any thought whatsoever. I worked like a dog for my GCSEs, a-levels, degree, professional exams and got a good well paid interesting career. I gave it up when I had my first child 7 years ago.

I'm a SAHM now, however next year I'm jumping in at the deep end. Will be commuting and long hours in a professional role. A number of people have said to me along the line "oh you'll be setting so much of a better example now for your children".

Am I alone in thinking "wtf?". A 7 year doesn't give a flying fig about whether his mum works. He/she would MUCH prefer mum to be picking him up from school, making his dinner, helping him with his reading, not having to go to a child minder / holiday clubs in the holidays?

It certainly didn't stop me pursuing a very good career, and the school I went to (private academic girls school) the vast majority of mothers didn't work, and many of those girls have gone on to have great career success (medicine, finance etc)

Is this just an argument pulled out by working mums trying to make themselves feel better? I'm going to be a working mum on a few months, and I'm pretty damn sure I'm not going to think that my children are benefiting from the example I'm setting. I think some people forget how self absorbed most children are and seeing you dash off to work to do something important really isn't either here nor there for them!

I think we should all try to be financially independent. I will certainly be encouraging my kids to be. Let's hope you don't have to go through a divorce where both solicitors are telling you that you have to go full time or worse find a job as it isn't the mans role to look after his ex wife he only supports the kids. Spousal maintenance is very rare.

Hello
There is hardly a line of your post that is accurate

I am going through a divorce, if you had rtft.

And spousal maintenance is NOT rare at all!

Not read the the thread for a few days, I dip in, read the last one, roll my yes and duck out again. This thread has made me chuckle and sigh with exasperation at the inability of a number of presumably adults ability to read and digest fairly short and simple information.

I do think it largely depends on the circumstances. I'm a SAHM but have had some on/off work when my DD was younger. My DS has never seen me work but Daddy does. So they see it and understands DH works hard so we can have things we wouldn't usually have if he didn't. I see a lot of parents who do both or who are SAHP and they are all brilliant parents. I've only ever disliked one who happened to be a SAHM who seemed to hated having her own kids.

Hellothereitsme - either you know virtually nothing about divorce laws or you had appallingly negligent representation in your divorce.

Only 10-15% of divorces feature spousal support these days so I would say that's pretty rare. A clean break is usually favoured by the courts.

Spousal maintainance is relatively rare and almost never indefinitely.

Spousal maintenance does not need to be indefinite. Being a SAHM is not the same thing as being terminally unemployable...

No one said it did.

But too often on MN posters state that SAHMs are adequately protected upon divorce. Which isn't a fair representation of the nuance of family courts.

I wouldn't want to risk my financial situation and position in the labour market being affected by a long career break and family law and my ex/DH in the event of his illness or our divorce.

Two partners WoH sharing finances is not the same at all because both retain their financial/labour market position.

You can retain one position and lose out on another, however. It's all about risks and value judgements, not right and wrong. I plan for the future but I also live in the present.

' I plan for the future but I also live in the present'

A sensible, balanced approach, and one I share.

However many women don't prepare adequately for their future; this is a fact, not an opinion. It's not just about potential divorce, the figures show that a very high percentage of women have are inadequately prepared financially for old age- a far higher percentage than is true for men.

I've encountered many intelligent women who just don't know the facts ... e.g. They think that if their dh has a great work pension and dies first, the whole pension will pass to them!

Of course there will always be individual women who pipe up on here and talk about their own individual circumstances where they've inherited property, or a high earner husband who whacks a shed load into a private pension for them... but taking a broader outlook, women overall are massively disadvantaged financially in the longer term. I have a number of female colleagues in my field (education) same age as me (50s) who have never returned to full time work since having kids and it's only now dawning on them that their teaching pensions are severely reduced.

Of course it's up to individual families to decide what works for them, but let's not be blinkered about the reality for many women

If there's so much to "lose" by working FT after becoming a parent, why aren't more men working PT or SAH?

I think SAHM and working mums both work bloody hard and are equally as capable of being a great example to their kids. People should choose what's right for them.

Re why aren't men sahp? I know several men who look after the children while the mother works (including my exh.) It is quite common in teaching.

Could we not blame men for once for something not always women!

I have always worked full time and believe women (and men) who work set a good example and also protect the family better against things going wrong including divorce and deaths and redundancies. Better to have two full time incomes than put all your eggs in one basket.

My mom did both. Stayed at home for my first 11 years. She went back to work and her last job was well paid writing policy for ministers. I prefer the working side...It's something to be proud of.

My dh's mom was a homemaker and really is a boring person, has achieved very little and has nothing interesting to say. If she'd had had daughters I don't think she would have given a great example to them of what modern women are capable of.

Maybe she just doesn't know what to say around you. Us mum's have a good antennae about when peel disapprove of us. My mum was at home for ten years then she went to work. It didn't change her essential personality.

people not peel , bloody auto correct!!

PuckeredAhole - I know an awful lot of fucking boring working people, so I'm afraid I think you are making a false connection there... As for your mum - it just goes to show, one can still get an interesting job, despite trying hard to be "boring" for 11 years!

How boring to assume SAHMs are probably boring, based on one MIL example.
Let's face it, 90% of jobs are boring and full of bored people doing it for the money. Personally, I find my kids more interesting.

It's really not common, growup, according to ONS stats. Tiny proportion of SAHDs.

I'm in teaching and I wouldn't say it's common at all to find SAHD. And overall the percentage is very low.

My db was a SAHD for about six years. Now he is the main "breadwinner." Luckily, he's quite chatty and was happy to take the kids along to playdates and soft play with lots of women without feeling particularly self-conscious. It's absolute bollocks that more men don't do it because it has no value or is always a crap deal. Culturally it is unusual. That is all.

Why is it "culturally unusual" though?

Men who become parents wish and get to retain and often improve their economic position: women rarely get both and there is strong social pressure for mothers to "be there" for DC and cut back on paid work.