People bringing food to a party???

[WanderingStar1]

AIBU? In a foolish moment agreed to host Mil's 90th here next Saturday. We have a big garden and an area where people can park, but if it rains we're stuffed for getting 80+ old dears into the house! Anyway - that's maybe stressing me out a bit (although marquees and gazebos on standby) but my issue is the food. We haven't the tables or cutlery to do a sit down meal so opted for a DIY hog roast sort of thing (rolls and pulled pork, plus apple sauce and stuffing) plus other finger food such as carrot sticks, cherry toms, sandwiches, sausage rolls and crisps etc. I will make her a bday cake but she and various friends said they'd also make cakes and brownies etc (as old people like 'puddings') so that was great. Bit of a wobble on wed when MIL said my DH had agreed to provide forks so people could have coleslaw, potato salad etc!! I said no way as we have no tables so they can't have anything but finger food, which she seemed OK with (and she knew that anyway!). Then tonight DH came home and mentioned that his DM and Dsis were also making sausage rolls, quiches and salads. I've been slaving away over this sodding party for weeks and got really cross - along the lines of - a) it's fucking rude to turn up at someone else's party with food, without agreeing it with the host first, and b) I'd be delighted to have someone else do stuff but would not be happy to spend all saturday making sandwiches/sausage rolls only to find I didn't need to!! So texted SIL at 10.30 tonight to say she needed to sort everyone out as I found it pretty offensive that people were planning all this without speaking to me! Yes I was stressed and yes I was probably a bit OTT! Anyway she rang back all nice and reasonable and I was a bit cross and shouty ("would you like to do a sunday roast and have someone turn up with a tray of roasties in case you hadn't done enough...???"), then she said MIL didn't like to speak to me about it as she was scared I would shout at her!! So feel a bit crap that I'm so horrible but actually both of them need to grow some, and I do get a bit snappy occasionally! Grrr!! But AIBU to feel peed off that people think they can just turn up at a party and bring food? I think the problem is that MIL is a bit forgetful and has told everyone we aren't doing anything except the pork rolls (despite being switched on enough to make sure I would make cucumber sandwiches for the vegetarians) so has maybe organised a secret backlash against our meagre fare - but surely her daughter and friends should have talked to me? Fuming - but also thinking you'll all say she's 90 and I should be kind and tolerant.......

What Pannalash said. Pulled pork rolls aren't old people food - not elegant party food either because they are hard to eat whilst chatting etc. Could have been better thought through I think. I know people who like to bring food - I embrace it now! Old people love sausage rolls and stuff on sticks. Smaller finger food is easier to eat.

Smile, enjoy and accept all offerings gratefully, even if brought on a flowery plate! At least you won't run out!

and I do get a bit snappy occasionally! Grrr!!

Is it possible that you are more than a bit snappy occasionally and others have to deal with the 'real' you? The one you probably dont think is that bad, or doesn't actually exist

Ooh, afternoon tea/picnic is SO much better at 90. She'd love it. Pretty plates, finger food, share the work and anything random people bring can just fit in! You can BBQ later for younger/hardier people.

I like a theme. May steal it for dad's/dh's joint birthday which is on Father's Day.

I would never dream of turning up to a party in someone's home without taking something. This is the norm in our social circle though. If the host said they were fine we would assume they were lying and bring a cake or similar

For goodness sakes! YYABU. People are offering to help ffs! Stop being so aggressive and pissed off. If there's too much food that can only be a good thing. Bit of advice. Don't offer again. You're far too prickly.

Glad you've apologised to SIL and have had a reality check OP.
Also glad you do actually like your MIL.
Now just relax as much as you can and graciously accept ANY offers of help on the day and food that people bring.

Can i recommend putting up the marquee regardless of the weather please?

If it's sunny people that want shade can use it (you can take the sides off) and if it's rainy / breezy you have shelter.

What you really really don't want is to start trying to put the sodding thing up last minute because of unexpected weather.

Put it up the day before ideally.

Trust me on this - i seem to spend every spare minute putting up our village marquee for one fete or another....

Oh and get plastic cutlery, plates, bowls, 'glasses' and paper napkins in.

Good thinking Fragglez :-) xx

She's friggin 90!!! Many people don't even get as far as 70! Get over yourself and just enjoy the day. You never know, you might even be nice enough to offer any decent leftovers to a homeless shelter. Or freeze them for another day. Or leave it out for the wildlife.

haha, poor OP!
I understand the stress, you're getting a bit overwhelmed with all the preparations and being a host!
Tell your fam in law you're just tense because you mean well and want it to be a nice celebration. Usually people think bringing food is a favour and a nice gesture, you're just wound up atm because you have lots to think about!

I get where you are coming from OP. When you are organising something, you make sure everything is done. When someone brings something without telling you, it means you have wasted your time. You really need guests to let you know what they are bringing to be helpful. Otherwise it's likely to be a waste. Every Christmas I host, and people bring stuff-which is nice but pointless. I'm going to have already bought the xmas crackers, cheese board etc unless they tell me, which they don't. It's only useful to contribute if you tell the host.

Id be more concerned about old people not having seats can you really accommodate that many as they will all want to sit down? You family are probably concerned that you have so much to do and know that whilst some like a slab of pork with apple most don't, so want to provide some choice other than a few cucumber sandwich's and cake, Its not just the elderly who struggle with meat dumped in a bit of bread and trying to hold it in a piece of paper. (imagine the false teeth) How lovely of everyone to want to help you despite you biting their heads off....and bringing food is actually good manners.

I would love it if people brought food to a party - it's great to have contributions of things like coleslaw / desserts.
If I was you I'd pass as much of the food preparation on as possible. Mil & sil could each bring a couple of sweet and savoury dishes for example.

I'd say the offers of food from various sources was because you were hosting it at home. They may have thought they were lifing some of the load from your shoulders. I wouldn't turn up to a venue (hotel / hall) party with a plate in hand!

It takes a strong person to take in board some of the tough comments on here. You sound amazing the way you have turned this around! I hope you all have the best party. X

Lorlorr2 I love your response. So much kinder than some of the comments on here.

People will cope fine with a paper plate and a fork. If you've got kids coming too just throw some blankets down for them.

Seriously, chill out. No one likes an uptight host!

Aw Nowabruptly thanks so much. Glad if the sensitivity I normally curse can be useful

I did apologise to SIL and she was fine, haven't been stroppy with anyone else (except DH who hasn't a clue how much time all this is taking/will take, so when I said what I have to do on the morning of the party and he said 'but that won't take long' he did lose his conjugal rights at that point....). lborgia it's the saturday coming, forecast is showers, so hope they're wrong! We've bought strong plastic plates so won't be floppy, but I am going to get some forks and do coleslaw etc as that seems to be the general consensus. And to those of you who say it's MIL's party not mine - I totally agree, but she was up for it all when DH first suggested it, I think things have just escalated and she misunderstood/forgot some conversations we'd had so thought we were only doing pork rolls! She's amazing for her age but the last few years she has started to forget stuff etc. But she hates confrontation/upsetting people (apart from digs at our parenting skills, lol) so didn't say anything. All good now. And there's a range of ages coming - one lady is 80 and some in their 70s but many are the next 3 generations down - so hopefully most will enjoy the pork rolls. And there are only two vegetarians that we know of (it's a farming family...) so hopefully the quiche, spring rolls, salad items and cheese, egg or cucumber sandwiches will suffice. And cakes and cheese and biscuits etc. Hoping no vegans (probably should have asked, but given the family they would probably have said or will bring a packed lunch as per a PP ).

I think some people have been a bit harsh on you, OP. The relations just needed to communicate with you and now they are, so all's good.
My top buffet tip is if you possibly can, don't put the table up against a wall/fence. People do it to save space but if people can get round both sides of the table it helps reduce the buffet queue of doom.

Thanks Strawberry - never thought of that but will make sure we do, makes total sense! And growingweeble you have exactly explained why I was stressed when DH said what was going on - glad I'm not totally U! I know I handled it in an OTT way but guess nobody's perfect.......! And thanks again to those who didn't say nasty stuff - and for those who did, yes - I can occasionally be snappy but mostly I think I'm quite nice, and actually MIL (who is quite adept at the innocent 'dig' herself.....) generally thinks I'm a pretty good DIL! We go shopping every week, and I take her to the doctors etc, and do all her paperwork so we do spend quite a lot of time together. I've been with DH 20 years so we really are family - and families do bicker occasionally. I'm sure she didn't really think I'd 'shout' at her but she seems to have thought we were doing pork rolls or nothing, and I'm guessing she didn't want to give us the opportunity to tell her not to do other stuff. Lucky SIL mentioned it, really....

OP I totally see where you were coming from. On minute your organising the party and suddenly your told all and sundry are bring stuff too as if you aren't putting your heart and soul into it and just giving everyone a pulled pork roll and that's it. Sadly is often the case it seems that miscommunication was the fault here but good for you for taking the bull by the horns sorting it out and being graceful when admitting your fault. I would go with some of the others in saying have the marquee up anyway as if it's hot some people will be glad of the shade and if it rains it's nice to have the extra space from your living room. Perhaps invest in some citronella candles to dot about the place to help ward off bugs. I've been to some lovely outdoor parties where there's been picnic blankets and cushions dotted about too. I hope it goes off well for you whatever the weather. Just remember to have a large G'n'T (etc) beforehand.

Leave dh to sort out. Get him and SIL to split food as it is their mum. I would not stress. If MIL wants to bring food to her party, let her.

Sounds like debra and marie, on everybody loves Raymond. .....lol