People bringing food to a party???

[WanderingStar1]

AIBU? In a foolish moment agreed to host Mil's 90th here next Saturday. We have a big garden and an area where people can park, but if it rains we're stuffed for getting 80+ old dears into the house! Anyway - that's maybe stressing me out a bit (although marquees and gazebos on standby) but my issue is the food. We haven't the tables or cutlery to do a sit down meal so opted for a DIY hog roast sort of thing (rolls and pulled pork, plus apple sauce and stuffing) plus other finger food such as carrot sticks, cherry toms, sandwiches, sausage rolls and crisps etc. I will make her a bday cake but she and various friends said they'd also make cakes and brownies etc (as old people like 'puddings') so that was great. Bit of a wobble on wed when MIL said my DH had agreed to provide forks so people could have coleslaw, potato salad etc!! I said no way as we have no tables so they can't have anything but finger food, which she seemed OK with (and she knew that anyway!). Then tonight DH came home and mentioned that his DM and Dsis were also making sausage rolls, quiches and salads. I've been slaving away over this sodding party for weeks and got really cross - along the lines of - a) it's fucking rude to turn up at someone else's party with food, without agreeing it with the host first, and b) I'd be delighted to have someone else do stuff but would not be happy to spend all saturday making sandwiches/sausage rolls only to find I didn't need to!! So texted SIL at 10.30 tonight to say she needed to sort everyone out as I found it pretty offensive that people were planning all this without speaking to me! Yes I was stressed and yes I was probably a bit OTT! Anyway she rang back all nice and reasonable and I was a bit cross and shouty ("would you like to do a sunday roast and have someone turn up with a tray of roasties in case you hadn't done enough...???"), then she said MIL didn't like to speak to me about it as she was scared I would shout at her!! So feel a bit crap that I'm so horrible but actually both of them need to grow some, and I do get a bit snappy occasionally! Grrr!! But AIBU to feel peed off that people think they can just turn up at a party and bring food? I think the problem is that MIL is a bit forgetful and has told everyone we aren't doing anything except the pork rolls (despite being switched on enough to make sure I would make cucumber sandwiches for the vegetarians) so has maybe organised a secret backlash against our meagre fare - but surely her daughter and friends should have talked to me? Fuming - but also thinking you'll all say she's 90 and I should be kind and tolerant.......

It doesn't sound remotely like the type of party a 90 year old would enjoy . And you're sucking whatever good there was out of it with your attitude.

Anyone who wants to bring food would be very welcome at mine.

The OP has realised she was getting over-wound up about it and will apologise today.

I think the party sounds fine, I don't know why people are slagging off other's choices- why on earth can't older people eat a hog roast again? Surely coming together is the main point, and there's no right way or exact menu that needs to be provided for it to be a lovely event.

To open up your house up and do this party is a lovely thing, and now you've reminded yourself the true purpose, it'll be fine:)

I hate parties for this reason, and wouldn't volunteer to cater for 80, so you are doing much better than me

We've a small house and garden, parking's a nightmare.

For my 80th, couple of weeks ago, our invite said, '... come anytime between 12 and 4pm, we'll provide nibbles, tea and coffee...'

Worked a treat and so simple.

Op, if you have lots of elderly people coming they are going to struggle to eat standing up. Could you ask your friends and neighbours to lend you their garden/camping chairs?

old dears -

The use of that term, in your first post, sums up your attitude to me. Ageist & somewhat resentful.

It doesn't sound remotely like the type of party a 90 year old would enjoy.

Why not? She can sit in a chair, have food and drink brought to her and spend time with her extended family celebrating her long and (hopefully) happy life.

She will have loads of family members across the generations, some whom she hasn't seen much over the years, so it's about that more than the food, hopefully.

Of course it is OP. My grandad is approaching 90 and he would cry with happiness if we manage to pull something like this off for him.

Ahh it sounds like it's all a bit much... it isn't: it's a fork buffet, not a banquet.

Make a list of food. Put the name of whoever is bringing it next to it.

(Include a sliced water melon/fruit platter).

Buy good quality disposable plates - the cheap ones are useless. Guests need to be able to stand, plate in one hand, fork in the other.

Same for forks - cheap ones are snappy and too small. Costco is the place for this stuff if you know anyone with a membership.

Napkins.

Small spoons for tea/puddings.

Have a pitcher of squash made up.
Cloudy lemonade/ginger beer.
Bags of ice.

Most people like to contribute - I would always ask 'what can I bring'. It's much better for you to direct this than have people turn up with a big pot of chilli. You can always tell them 'crisps or sweets for the children' if you don't want buffet food.

Think of yourself as 'director of operations'

Local church/village hall may also have one of those truly vast metal teapots, so that you can have it brewed for when people arrive to save any queues at the urn - and then use the urn for refills.

Good luck op - I'd definitely accept every food offering - everyone gets to feel useful and hopefully it can save you the effort. Could you use a google docs spreadsheet to track what's been planned and who is bringing what so everyone can see and you don't have to worry?

This has to be a reverse?

You should have booked a hall from the sounds of it.

Re tables. Wallpaper paste tables come in handy for this sort of thing as long as people don't sit on them.

I can feel your stress.
Possible answer is to move venue. Use a local church/village/scout hall with garden. They are usually cheap, have tables and chairs and sufficient loos for old people. They also usually have large catering equipment, urns, teapots etc.
Arranging a party should be fun. I also wonder whether a huge pile of sandwiches might be a good idea. Lots of wrinklies start having difficulty with some foods but sandwiches are often well received. I say this having done FILs 85th last year. They loved old fashioned foods like cucumber and egg mayo sandwiches, sausage rolls and quiche. I did an afternoon tea with scones and cakes.Your right they seem to develop a sweet tooth.

Voluntarily hosting & catering 80+ big birthday in your back garden? Especially a demographic who needs tables & chairs - gosh, it's like hosting an informal wedding reception. Kudos to you! Rather you than me. Maybe, you should provide some portaloos as well.

I nearly got railroaded into hosting a similar party. My idea of a family/close friends party of approx 20/30 people quickly morphed into 70/80and the expectation that I would be having relative strangers camped all over my house. We hadn't even finished renovating the house and the thought of having that many people, half of whom I didn't know, stilettos trampling through my house, spilling red wine over my pristine new wooden flooring, was too much. Furthermore, it was clear that they expected quality catering and I could envision myself footing the bill and running around like mad, stressed out and resentful. I had the balls to say no though!

You're clearly a more generous person than I.

Arranging a party should be fun I love that other people love to do this stuff, but I hate arranging parties, my usual one for 10 kids at birthday time is bad enough!

Try not to stress - I wish my family would bring a dish! DPs family always do, and I love it!! Lots of different yummy things to try. Coleslaw/salad/mac n cheese/potato salad are all doable with only a fork - it'll be fine x

Seriously, I hope your DH & his sister are stepping up to the plate to help with the organising, catering & costs. Our families are foodies so for us, sandwiches, sausage rolls, quiches & salads definitely wouldn't cut it. Can you throw some more money at it to relieve some stress? If I did this, I would seriously consider paying for professional catering along with waiting staff. Nothing is worse than everyone else but you enjoying themselves on the day. Either that or change the venue.

I think you sound stressed, your DH sounds like he nods his head to anyone's suggestions but doesn't communicate properly with you and MIL thinks she's in charge but is elderly so thinks cucumber sandwiches means vegetarians are sorted.

I would cut your DH and MIL out of all further organization and have a committee of you and SIL (who sounds lovely and helpful) and make it clear that any other helpful suggestions have to be run past you both before being agreed to.

As long as the very elderly have a table plus plastic knife and fork you are fine, everyone else will be fine with laps.

Just read your update, I can see how their sudden involvement would make you a bit miffed, but maybe they ha e readied the enormity of the task and are trying to help. I so agree they should be running it by you first.

Make time to enjoy the party you have spent a lot of effort in arranging.

"I would cut your DH and MIL out of all further organization"

Please don't take this advice unless you wish to behave like an unpleasant control freak.

Wow poor woman! I think it's rude if people don't turn up with something to offer and I'm sure these people are just being polite. Think your being VVU

OP I feel your pain people are bing a bit harsh. You are just stressed and trying to organise something in your house because you know what will work. Really pisses me off when people try and change things in your own house (my mum hovering on the stove with her bloody xmas pudding whilst I'm trying to sort the rest of the xmas dinner springs to mind!) feed them all sherry and you'll be fine!

Imagine reaching the age of 90, your daughter in law offering to host a party in her back garden, and then flipping out because you'd brought some sausage rolls.

Poor OP, I don't think that you sound awful (some of the bitchy people calling you awful do though!), I think you sounded stressed and worried. In later posts you sounded like you've trying very hard and taking comments onboard.

I would have coleslaw and a bowl of new potatoes in butter and perhaps mint. Easy to eat with just a fork.

We have big annual parties for 100 people. I'd suggest putting the mini marquee up even if it's fine. We have one, we put a long trestle table (a wallpapering table with tablecloths on works well) for the food at one end, a second small table with plastic knives, forks (stood up in mugs works well, napkins and condiments. We have a third table at the other end for drinks and glasses (we use a long coffee table for this, boxes of beer stack underneath). That way all your food is undercover from the word go, no panic if it suddenly rains, plus shade is good too and also it's easy to decorate and make it look personalised.

Oh and have plenty of bins around. You need more than you think if everything is throwaway.

This is how we set ours up (Halloween!)....

I think you sound really worked up about this party and are getting stressed about things that you don't need to. I've never hosted a party where people didn't turn up with stuff. It's the done thing for a lot of people not intended as an insult.
My gran went one better at a party once, I'd provided a full buffet, she brought along a packed lunch just for her and sat in a corner eating it and saying "you never make anything I like!"
My mum was ready to shoot her.... I just found it funny!!

Ps, I know that mini marquee looks a bit scruffy as it's Halloween, but we used it at our wedding when we had drinks at home with balloons, voile on the walls and roof and white tablecloths with table sparkles and confetti, it looked lovely.

I remember getting stressed in the run up to our earlier parties too! Now I've done that many I'm fine.