People bringing food to a party???

[WanderingStar1]

AIBU? In a foolish moment agreed to host Mil's 90th here next Saturday. We have a big garden and an area where people can park, but if it rains we're stuffed for getting 80+ old dears into the house! Anyway - that's maybe stressing me out a bit (although marquees and gazebos on standby) but my issue is the food. We haven't the tables or cutlery to do a sit down meal so opted for a DIY hog roast sort of thing (rolls and pulled pork, plus apple sauce and stuffing) plus other finger food such as carrot sticks, cherry toms, sandwiches, sausage rolls and crisps etc. I will make her a bday cake but she and various friends said they'd also make cakes and brownies etc (as old people like 'puddings') so that was great. Bit of a wobble on wed when MIL said my DH had agreed to provide forks so people could have coleslaw, potato salad etc!! I said no way as we have no tables so they can't have anything but finger food, which she seemed OK with (and she knew that anyway!). Then tonight DH came home and mentioned that his DM and Dsis were also making sausage rolls, quiches and salads. I've been slaving away over this sodding party for weeks and got really cross - along the lines of - a) it's fucking rude to turn up at someone else's party with food, without agreeing it with the host first, and b) I'd be delighted to have someone else do stuff but would not be happy to spend all saturday making sandwiches/sausage rolls only to find I didn't need to!! So texted SIL at 10.30 tonight to say she needed to sort everyone out as I found it pretty offensive that people were planning all this without speaking to me! Yes I was stressed and yes I was probably a bit OTT! Anyway she rang back all nice and reasonable and I was a bit cross and shouty ("would you like to do a sunday roast and have someone turn up with a tray of roasties in case you hadn't done enough...???"), then she said MIL didn't like to speak to me about it as she was scared I would shout at her!! So feel a bit crap that I'm so horrible but actually both of them need to grow some, and I do get a bit snappy occasionally! Grrr!! But AIBU to feel peed off that people think they can just turn up at a party and bring food? I think the problem is that MIL is a bit forgetful and has told everyone we aren't doing anything except the pork rolls (despite being switched on enough to make sure I would make cucumber sandwiches for the vegetarians) so has maybe organised a secret backlash against our meagre fare - but surely her daughter and friends should have talked to me? Fuming - but also thinking you'll all say she's 90 and I should be kind and tolerant.......

Thanks to everyone for your suggestions - and to those who posted the kinder comments! I love the ideas about a guest book, party chair and photos etc (have photos of her on the cake but will blow some up to pin round as well). We have a large double garage with rubber floor which DH has just painted out so was planning to do the food there, but I might see if he can get the marquee as well, then I will be more relaxed about the weather. And will get forks and do coleslaw etc. MIL was happy with the idea of a garden party from the start - but I am not sure any of us expected her to invite quite so many guests ! And Petronius - think we worded the invites pretty much as you did, "drop in any time between 12 and 5, for buffet and drinks". Downside to that though is when do you cut the cake and drink the toast? Hmm - still stressed but grateful for the (constructive) feedback. I'm sure in the end she'll have a lovely day....!

I'd do the cake/toast at 4.30. It will be like a signal for the wind down of the day too. Unless there is a point like at 2 or 3 where all of the significant people are there - then you could wheel it out.

I was at a graduation party recently where they had strings going between the trees with photos pinned to them.

So it's her own daughter that you've had a go at? For bringing food to her mother's birthday?
And when you say you wouldn't do the same without checking with the host first - I'm guessing that's why she told your DH as you live together, so he is joint host?

By the way you'll get people moaning at you for ages who've just read the OP and not the rest of the thread...

I get where you are coming from, OP! you organise and plan everything to try and make it easy on the day, then find out people are bringing random items which need you to provide more serving space, plates, cutlery furniture... Effectively, it undoes all your prep work.

I cater for big events quite often, and have a table plan to make sure I can get all the food in the space available etc. My kids laugh at me, but I would get the rage if someone put crisps in the bowl I had allocated for cherry toms. Once it's ready though, I can be really relaxed because I know everything is going to run smoothly.

(Think you're right, feelings.... !) Anyway, I spoke to both today and all is good - seems MIL got the wrong idea because I said a few weeks ago something like "don't worry, people won't be expecting a 3 course meal, they're coming to see you". I think she thought we weren't going to have enough or that it was pork rolls or nothing! SIL was fine, accepted my apologies for getting stroppy and said at least we're all being joined up now, so that's good! And have today ordered a guest book and blown up loads of photos - so despite the mixed feedback some good has come from this post - thanks all!

By the way - FWIW - I am still surprised that people think it's normal to turn up with food to a party? I don't mean family and when it's all been pre-discussed etc - but the idea of going to someone's do and just turning up with a plate of something isn't a thing I've ever come across...? Seems there were mixed views on that though.
It wasn't just the family that were/are bringing stuff - DH said "x neighbour is bringing spring rolls and y cousin is bringing cakes" etc etc.... Hence my initial 'WTAF' reaction. (But am still grateful, now I know why they've been roped in, but just needed to know!!)

Hope the day goes wonderfully OP, you've clearly put in a lot of thought & effort.

Older people need to sit down at a table to eat but anywhere between 7 and 60 are perfectly capable of eating most things without a table

In our family, when we host we supply the food and do all the work, Including the clearing up. When my second DIL arrived on the scene she would always ask, 'what shall I bring?' And always wanted to help with clearing up. We were really surprised as it's not something we do. We take wine or flowers but never a desert or a starter. This was always what happened in her family.

She stopped asking, but happily, she always arrives with a home baked cake.

Or even a desser.

Dessert, 😃

How did it go, OP?

Sounds like most people will disagree with me but I think it's rude to start preparing food for a formal party without checking with the host first. The host will have worked very hard and will have thought everything through really carefully and it can (as in this case) cause practical problems if you add different kinds of food into the mix, and also can imply that what the host is going to provide won't be good enough. I'd be really annoyed if this happened to me. A quick phone call to check is not a big deal and gives the host a chance to politely thank them and maybe work out with them what would work best.

You sound like a nightmare and your MIL was pre-disposed to the fact you would shout at her. I'd be made up if friends brought food to my house. A few of my friends often bring cupcakes. So much more gong on in the world to worry about than the kindness of friends.

You are being TOTALLY unreasonable, you should be delighted that people want to bring food. Old people like little mouthfuls that they can pop in their mouths without too much biting/chewing, so the pulled pork stuffed rolls could be a mistake. Also, get some plastic cutlery. It's her party, not yours.

Sounds like you're preparing the sort of food for an 18th not a 90th most a lot of elderly people will have difficulty chewing pork rolls so would probably prefer quiche and sarnies.

I always get stressed when doing parties at home . I think it's a control thing . I don't think you should be angry but I do think it is good manners for guests to check with the host what would be helpful to bring.It won't be helpful if everyone brings the same thing . But they are just trying to help so try and chill a bit.

Im struggling to see the issue, your having party food, which I am assuming is going to be on paper plates, just go to the £ shop and buy plastic cutlery.

I'd have reacted the same way as you op, no problem people bringing things but they should talk to you first, otherwise you end up with 50plates of sausage rolls and no salad, or whatever. I think you sound lovely and were obviously stressed.

and some limp cucumber sandwiches for the veggies (wtf is that about. There's more appetising things than cucumber sandwiches for veggies.

Yes, I bristled at that!

If you are
Going to be such a stress head DONT host OP

If you have not already apologies to everyone if I were you
this is why I never host

I think a traditional old fashioned picnic would be appreciated by all (if you are rethinking the food) bunting in the garden