People bringing food to a party???

[WanderingStar1]

AIBU? In a foolish moment agreed to host Mil's 90th here next Saturday. We have a big garden and an area where people can park, but if it rains we're stuffed for getting 80+ old dears into the house! Anyway - that's maybe stressing me out a bit (although marquees and gazebos on standby) but my issue is the food. We haven't the tables or cutlery to do a sit down meal so opted for a DIY hog roast sort of thing (rolls and pulled pork, plus apple sauce and stuffing) plus other finger food such as carrot sticks, cherry toms, sandwiches, sausage rolls and crisps etc. I will make her a bday cake but she and various friends said they'd also make cakes and brownies etc (as old people like 'puddings') so that was great. Bit of a wobble on wed when MIL said my DH had agreed to provide forks so people could have coleslaw, potato salad etc!! I said no way as we have no tables so they can't have anything but finger food, which she seemed OK with (and she knew that anyway!). Then tonight DH came home and mentioned that his DM and Dsis were also making sausage rolls, quiches and salads. I've been slaving away over this sodding party for weeks and got really cross - along the lines of - a) it's fucking rude to turn up at someone else's party with food, without agreeing it with the host first, and b) I'd be delighted to have someone else do stuff but would not be happy to spend all saturday making sandwiches/sausage rolls only to find I didn't need to!! So texted SIL at 10.30 tonight to say she needed to sort everyone out as I found it pretty offensive that people were planning all this without speaking to me! Yes I was stressed and yes I was probably a bit OTT! Anyway she rang back all nice and reasonable and I was a bit cross and shouty ("would you like to do a sunday roast and have someone turn up with a tray of roasties in case you hadn't done enough...???"), then she said MIL didn't like to speak to me about it as she was scared I would shout at her!! So feel a bit crap that I'm so horrible but actually both of them need to grow some, and I do get a bit snappy occasionally! Grrr!! But AIBU to feel peed off that people think they can just turn up at a party and bring food? I think the problem is that MIL is a bit forgetful and has told everyone we aren't doing anything except the pork rolls (despite being switched on enough to make sure I would make cucumber sandwiches for the vegetarians) so has maybe organised a secret backlash against our meagre fare - but surely her daughter and friends should have talked to me? Fuming - but also thinking you'll all say she's 90 and I should be kind and tolerant.......

I'd be glad if the help.

I don't mean to slight your hog roast efforts but your target audience will not be into a big filled pork roll in a napkin.

I agree, I'm afraid. Pork rolls are kind of messy and difficult to eat, fall apart, get stuck in dentures, etc.

I'm not sure I understand, though. Are you having only 'finger food' because you expect everyone to stand and eat? I don't think that will happen. This demographic will want/need to sit.

Thanks Squirrels - that's what we're planning. We have borrowed lots of chairs and will have tables, just think some will have food and drinks on. MIL seemed happy enough with the food when we talked about it, just forgot it later when talking to other people I think. (we're cooking pulled pork allthebest , not doing a full hog roast). She will have loads of family members across the generations and some whom she hasn't seen much over the years, so it's about that more than the food, hopefully.

Koala no we have lots of chairs just not tables. But am starting to think we maybe need to rethink that. Do you all think we really should be offering knife and fork stuff like potatoes and coleslaw?

Bless you, you party hosting mad woman So now you know everyone is coming from a good helpy place, harness that! First thing tomorrow tag your SIL on FB with a plea to borrow tables. People will respond for a special party :)

Coleslaw and potato salad isn't knife and fork food - you can just fork it up. But if the plan is that people are going to be sitting down and eating on their laps, and you're getting disposable forks anyway, why not chuck in plastic knives as well?

It sounds like this party has really stressed you out and I expect that your SIL and MIL thought they were being helpful by offering to bring sausage rolls and salad. Perhaps you would have reacted better if they'd offered rather than presenting you with a done deal, but they aren't really being rude, and I'm glad you are being nice about that now.

It depends on the crowd, but my 80+ relatives would be much, much more comfortable to sit down and eat with the option of a knife and fork that wrestle with a big pulled-pork sandwich in their hands. As a previous poster has said, think about possible dexterity issues, dentures, etc.

a) it's fucking rude to turn up at someone else's party with food, without agreeing it with the host first

YABVU.

Bringing food, especially for an event like this, says "I care about the success of the event, and I want to help". Nothing else.

I went to a bring-a-dish event once when it seemed every third person brought chicken so there wasn't much balance in the dishes at all, but everyone still had a lovely time.

she said MIL didn't like to speak to me about it as she was scared I would shout at her!! So feel a bit crap that I'm so horrible but actually both of them need to grow some, and I do get a bit snappy occasionally! Grrr!!

YABVVVU and should get over yourself .Your poor MIL. You should be ashamed of the way you carry on.

...and also "cucumber sandwiches for the vegetarians" doesn't really say party to me, I'm afraid! I'm a meat-eater, (if that's relevant) but if I didn't eat meat for whatever reason and the host said brightly "Oh yes, everyone's having pulled pork and stuffing rolls but I've got some lovely CUCUMBER SANDWICHES for you" I'd feel a bit miffed. I think some quiche and salad is a nice idea.

I think you need to loosen the reins a little. You are getting very stressed out. Making the birthday girl too scared to talk to and shouting at people for bringing extra food is a bit over the top. Divvy up some jobs, there us no need to be a martyr.

Oh and YABU for thinking you are switched on for providing cucumber sandwiches for the vegetarians when the others are having a hog roast

Are you joking?

It's absolutely normal to take food to a party but you've accused people of being rude for wanting to help. People like doing it and all you need is a table. You've massively over reacted and I think once the party is over you'll be able to see your stress has got the better of you.

Vegetarian options. Quiche, some little pizzas (big pizzas cubed or sliced), Greek salad. Good potato salad & coleslaw etc.

You need to start a spreadsheet.

Find out from SIL what everyone is bringing and make sure you have a balance.

To be honest if you are catering for 80 people the more food the better.

Regardless of what you are serving you need plastic forks and plastic spoons.

As per a PP ask if anyone has folding tables you can borrow. You'll find that lots of people have camping tables and wallpapering tables that you can cover with plastic table cloths.

Make sure you have lots of cling film and extra large plastic plates so that you can give people any left overs to take away with them.

If children are coming buy cheap Cornetto type ice creams cones, much easier for them to eat without mess.

Best of luck.

Apologise to your DH's family

Blimey. Not read the whole thread, just replying to the OP.
This bit jumps out AIBU to feel peed off that people think they can just turn up at a party and bring food
Chill out and see it as it is! People wanting to help. I've been to a bring a dish parties before, and no way was it as a slight on the host/hostess.

You sound as if you were panicking. A couple of days before the party, DH drops into conversation that his mum and sister had big plans. I'd do a double take tbh. And I don't care how old anyone is, if you are used to remarks such as "but I loved my children", and someone who criticises a lack of socks....I can see that you might feel a little twitchy.

Sounds as if you've mended fences, so well done on that. If you are so freaked out about the weather, can you throw money at a last minute marquee/awning/rental something. Does DH have a role (apart from bearing good news)? Could he give some thought to logistics?

Sorry - never meant to suggest that we were only doing cucumber sandwiches for vegetarians - just that MIL had asked for that so she knew we were doing more than just pork rolls right from the start. We would have done lots of other stuff and are delighted that SIL is doing quiche and sandwiches, that was never the problem. I just had a totally unjustified (clearly) huff that everyone was doing this without talking to us about it as a) it seems like a slight, that we 'aren't doing it well enough' (so in which case why not talk to us...?) and b) a risk of double effort which could be avoided. Anyway SIL was good about it all and agreed that DH is a complete 'sit on the fence' person best left out of these discussions going forwards.....

...and also "cucumber sandwiches for the vegetarians" doesn't really say party to me, I'm afraid!

Was thinking that too! Is that all there is for veggies? I'd quite happily tuck into the pulled pork, but veggie DH would love and accept the cucumber sandwiches, but come on it's not exactly the same, is it?!
"Here you go, everyone pile into the pulled pork, and there's a few cucumber sandwiches for the non meat eaters."
Surely there's something else as well.

lborgia you are right I am massively panicking. And clearly overreacting! We have a small marquee on standby I think - and a couple of gazebos - but DH said all along they won't be needed and now I am wondering if he has actually asked the owners?

Fingers crossed for good weather! xxx

Well, he's sounding more helpful by the minute! Can you speak to gazebo owners and find out how long they take to put up, whether you should have them in next door garden ready to go ..etc etc - presuming you have a nice obliging neighbour of course.

From my experience of my parents 75th/and 80th b-day parties (sadly never got further than that) I think you should plan that the older people will really really want their food asap. At the 75ths my sis and I ran around filling plates, handing them to older people (like older than 75) and making sure they had a drink. I don't think you can expect 80 year olds to queue up for the buffet or wait for food to be brought out.

You could easily rope in all the grandchildren as "food servers" for the elderly. All it needs is for them to say "may I get you a plate of food" etc. Having somewhere to sit is essential. to be honest, having a fork and knife would have been fairly essential to my parents.

May I also suggest that you take a deep breath and realise what this celebration (and well done you hosting it) is about. 90 is a great age. It is worth toasting and pausing to think about. If you have photos that could be strung up it would be great (you probably have this already done)

My dad and especially my mum's 80th parties were really memorable for us - last time we and extended family and friends of mum and dad were together. It was lovely to pause and make a toast or a bit of a speech etc. My mother, who never made a speech in her life made a speech at her 80th. I used it in my eulogy at her funeral.

I don't know whereabouts you are but tables are pretty cheap to hire

chairhire.co.uk/trestle-table-hire?gclid=CjwKEAjwpJ_JBRC3tYai4Ky09zQSJAC5r7ruXQ3g5IoR7QPgGYJY2yLNpPRhovRXds0pC7gEXgQtyhoCFj_w_wcB

I agree, deep breath. Apologise and move on.

Can you borrow or hire some folding tables from somewhere? Ask around, the village hall might lend you some or the school or something. It doesn't have to be a sit down meal but tables to put drinks and plates on are essential.

If you've already bought the pork and everything, just use it. It will be fine.

I'm guessing other people might bring a dish of something. It's actually perfectly polite and reasonable to do so. If a friend organised a garden party I'd probably take a dish of something too. If you have tables you can just put all the food on it and people can help themselves.

I'm sure it'll be a lovely party. I'd have some music playing and put out some garden games, bubbles, etc

I don't think you are being unreasonable. It wouldn't have hurt for your SIL or MIL to contact you first to discuss.

As for those people who would turn up to a party with a dish, would you really do this first without checking with the host? If not, how very strange

I think your food is great. Just add in some salads. Make sure you have enough seats at the table to sit elderly people. Then as suggested above get grandchildren to play waitress to them. Also I kind of agree with you. It is great your in laws are willing to bring food. But they should co ordinate with you so that you aren't wasting your time. You will have enough to be doing. Hope the party goes well

You sound awful, OP.

And I think it is quite frankly bizarre to feed a group of old age pensioners pulled pork rolls. Teeth? They are going to want forks and probably sandwiches.